I’m meeting a divorced woman that has been extremely helpful comforting me and helping me understand it’s not my fault. She has told me what happened in her marriage in hopes that I can use it to save my own.

My problem is up until now I have told my wife everything and I think she would be very upset that I’m discussing our marriage with anyone.

****WARNING****

Hey Fool,

Meeting a divorced woman? Is this a friend of you and your W? Someone you recently met on your own?

If this is someone you know and W does not..STOP!

You have no idea how vulnerable you are right now to having an affair. Marriage on the rocks, needs not being met...next thing you know....

How about some details FOTH?

The problem, whats going on, how long married, kids, what you've been doing, what W has been doing...

RM

Red flags everywhere.

She's divorced and knows that it's Never one persons fault. I would love to know why it's not at all your fault.
OW often use this line.

Be careful of this "friendship" if you are working on your marriage. Talk to a counselor not an available woman who is most likely looking out for her own needs.

Welcome to MBers, although I’m sorry you need to be here. There are many wonderful people on this site who have gone through the same pain from betrayal than you and who will be able to help, guide and support you through this whole process. Please give us more background on your situation. Has your wife ended her affair or is she still in contact with the OM? When was DDay?

My answers on your questions:

If you want a totally honest and open marriage (especially after your W’s betrayal) then yes, you have to tell her about the conversations with the divorced woman. Secondly, you need to stop discussing your marital problems with this woman. It’s dangerous and inappropriate to discuss marriage problems with a opposite sex person, especially now that you are vulnerable and are at risk of getting involved in an affair yourself if you’re not careful. Discussing marital problems with an opposite sex person is one of the elements of an EA (Emotional Affair). Rather seek help & advice from the people on these boards; caring and trusting same sex friends/family members who care for both you, your wife and marriage and/or a professional outside person like a pastor or counselor.

Blessings,
Suzet

Oh, I forgot to add...

Underneath are a view links you will find helpful (just click on th links):

Plan A and Plan B

WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

Bob's Newly Betrayed Spouse MB Toolkit

Thanks all, I updated my BIO

I’m new here and never expected to be here! My WS has told me she understands she lost her friend and promised never to see him again. But I did notice her sending him some business literature that he requested the other day! We fought about it and my WS said I have done every thing you asked, this was just a small favor he asked. She said FYI, everything is over!

The person I’m speaking to is a friend of mine, my wife knows her name but has never met her. This person has told me some of her mistakes and offers me some feed back on what I’m doing. I like talking to her and she knows I’m in love with my WIFE! That’s why she wants to help.

Foot...

MY OM...he was a friend, who listened to my pain...that's all he was. H knew him and was friends with him...He gave me feedback and suggestions on how to work on things with my H, he knew I was in love with my H....but the more we talked, the more I wanted to talk about things with HIM and not my H, and pretty soon, I was in an EA, then a PA...and even then - I STILL told him my H came first and I would never leave my H and I STILL wanted to work on my marriage, and I would complain and get support from him in order to get advice for my marriage.

WHAT A CROC - I should have never been seeking advice from the OPPOSITE Sex while I was vulnerable to an affair..I should have talked with my H about things bluntly, gone to a councellor or found MB!

you are vulnerable - don't think you aren't....my H 7 months into recovery from my A, met a divorced woman who comforted him...He had an A and temporarily seperated from me so he wouldn't feel guilty...he left for her. He was vulnerable...she listened and supported and comforted him - although he didn't talk about our R, he just explained what had happened and how he never wanted it to happen again...

PROTECT your vulerability - don't see that woman again without your wife by your side. And don't talk to her anymore about your marriage.

Thanks Dorry,

Knowing the risk can help me avoid its pitfall… But remember my unfaithful WS changed the rules of our marriage! So far I don’t believe everything she is telling me and until such time, I’m not sure if volunteering information is the right thing to do. I find my friend very comforting but I kind of would like my W to find out. Guess I would like to find out how it makes her feel…She might not even care…I’m just not sure.

Actually my WS suggested I get more friends and go out. So I made dinner plans with my friend tonight, I just don’t know what I’m going to tell or not tell my wife.

No your W didnt CHANGE the rules of M, she BROKE the rules!
Rules are still the same.
So are you suggesting two WRONGS make a RIGHT?
Have you read the concepts here at MB?
Read the articles?

I hope you do not proceed with your new FRIENDSHIP.
Listen to dorry.
I hope you make the right decision.

Fraggles is right - she didn't CHANGE the rules - she broke them. Just because she broke them - doesn't mean you can too. you are treading on dangerous grounds, and like all us WS - we all thought we could control that dangerous ground...trust me - once feelings start - there is no control...and enjoying your talks with her more than you do your wife...you are already headed to disaster.

Don't doubt that it wouldn't hurt your wife as much as she hurt you because she had one and she can rationalize it. My H's affair hurt more than I can tell you, and even though I could compare, and say I did it too, that only made it hurt worse because he KNEW what the A did to us.

The fact that you find a member of the opposite sex comforting and she is not your wife is an extremely BAD place to be.

Finding more friends is one thing, but hanging around a woman who you find comforting, ALONE - with no other firends aaround is probably not what your W had in mind..and it shouldn't be what you have in mind too.

I know you think it's nothing, you can control it...and possibly if things were better in your marriage you may - but you have already done two things that you shouldn't have - ONE, you talk about your maritial problems with her, and TWO - your wife doesn't really know about her.

Do the right thing and protect yourself right now.

As a BS I understand your need for comfort and understanding. That is an Emotional Need that you are now allowing another women other than your wife to fill for you. STOP right now!! Talk to your wife tell her everything. Post here for support or find a male friend. It sounds as if you are already emtionally bonded to the divorced female friend.

This was how my WH affair started with a mutual friend (his more than mine). In the beginning I believe there was no intent to have an affair. But they talked...a lot.She became his sounding board instead of me. I saw it happening and it hurt like hell that he could build a bond with her and walk away from me. Every conversation you have with this "friend" you are taking a step away from your marriage. If you want to save you marriage, PLEASE stop now!

I know its a lonely and confusing time...continuing on the road you are now will only make it worse. Talk to your wife.

Keep posting

Hey Fool don’t fall off the Hill,

Thanks for some of your recent comments, now here is one of mine. DO YOU WANT AN INTIMANTE REALTIONSHIP WITH YOUR WIFE?

The only way to achieve that is through honesty, even when you spouse isn’t there yet. I really struggle with the last part.

I was in a similar situation one week after D-day; my wife went to a girl’s night out thing with old classmates, My WS suggested that I go out that evening, I shouldn’t just sit around. I started the night watching TV and mainly feeling sorry for myself. I thought it might be better to go out get a beer and see if she would have a little jealousy when I wasn’t home. I thought what the hell and went to a local bar. I sat at the opened of the bar where I could watch the Brewer game and drink a beer. All I could think about is this was a dumb idea and how am I going to stay here until my WS calls. Than this woman is standing next to me asking if the seat next to me is taken, I told no have a seat. She asked my name and said asked if I would like someone to talk to, I told her “Yea, that would be nice but I want to be upfront with you I’m married and showed her my wedding ring” she told me how nice and refreshing it was to see a man that was honest. We exchanged a lot of small talk about how long I was married and how it was going. That question hit me kind of funny and didn’t know what to say so I said they all have there challenges what about you. She told me she was recently divorced and we spent the next hour discussing her husband’s affair. I felt like I cheated and all we did was talk. When I got home my WS was already there, I thought I should tell her about my night wanting to be honest, guess I was hoping for a little jealousy. Turned out to be another thing I shouldn’t share, it kind of made her angry with me and kept calling the women I spoke to as my divorcee. I was hoping it would show my W how much I value her and having honest open communications. She didn’t see it that way!

Changed broke I agree there not the same; they need to be restored somehow. I suggested to my WS that we get remarried. I believe that something needs to be done to setup your new boundaries. OR you’re going to play in Pandora’s Box too!

Actually, it's not over. Its not over until contact ends. When she ends contact, the affair will be over. When contact is ended, your marriage can begin recovery.

It would probably be a good idea for her to send him a NO CONTACT letter that is mailed by you. Here are some samples. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918;p=0#000000

oh goody! Why not invite your W and you can all be "friends?" Sounds like a nice evening to me!

Guilt alleviation?

Justification?

Bud do not do it...do not go out.

Fool

For your own sake, do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, discuss your situation with an unattached member of the opposite sex. This is how many affairs begin.

I think you know that.

Grievance is the seed for selfishness.

Selfishness ends in misery.

The short-term fix will lead to long-term pain.

The divorcee may thing she's helping. If she were wise, she would stay far away from you. This is not a wise person. This is quite probably a lonely, needy person.

You need to get healthy before you get involved with anyone.

ML,

You where right about the OW and us talking, she started to make me feel good but than she turned the conversation to us instead of how things where going with my W. Once this happened everything started to feel wrong! I thanked her and went home; I think she was using the A to get to me!