Is it healthy or not to want to know the details like the 1st time and where and how many times over what time frame. I really am not asking for details like which acts were performed. Just when and where (like dinner- then hotel)...should i even be asking for those details?

anybody experience these?....whats the scoop.

ask away----whatever you need in order to heal you should be able to ask and have answered. just mentally prepare for it---it will hurt. but you need to put the puzzle together and she is holding all the pieces...

michdad...

it is very common for the BS to want to know...BUT and I do mean BUT...this is an exercise that requires humility and lots of love...

the big picture of wanting to work through this together must be kept in the forfront...

when seeking informatiom a large responsibility lays with you the seeker...as to how you HANDLE the information..

it will hurt
it will make you angry...
it will make you feel lots of things...but beyond the emotions is also the gift of someone willing to make themselves vulnerable to your reactions in an effort to help you heal...
it is on some level of the bigger picture a gift....

it won't be perfect..
it most likely won't iniatally be the truth....human nature calls us to test the waters so to speak...lets give some information and see how it is handled before we drop the big guns......

the more you can view this act of sharing as a willingness to try
the more you can view this act as not a power struggle of forcing someone in to being honest (which will never work)

the more you can keep you eye on the bigger picture of WE are in this together...so lets address this issue together....the more we will move together through these trecherous waters...

you must seek the truth with as much humility as you can offer....though the info may humiliate you...

you can offer a great gift of our ability to forgive and heal..

the safer you or any BS can make the divulgence of details for the WS the less time will be wasted on this information...and the less time will be wasted on these small steps....

keep it short not drawn out hour after hour.
negotiate times for you to ask questions....
you have every right to show emotions...the anger the pain..but do it with control and safety

thank your WS for sharing in both words and actions and MEAN it...

if you are seeking true rebuilding keep that in your head at ALL times.....

how is your plan A going??????

How bizarre. I just posted a few minutes ago something similar.

Here it is

For me, asking details gives me the chance to close the door and begin to heal. Without the facts I will always wonder and feel like I will never move on. The pain is there, but it will pass.

Ark

Thanks for the input. Plan A -as far as me loving my wife....I have been ectending those things. We have been talking about the issues that lead up to the affair and her feeling of it. She wants to seperate the affair from the issues that she says let her come that choice/place...

I have still not exposed to OM's wife.

She still can not bring herself to a place to trust and forgive as she mentions in her POST HERE: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=2#2772612

" So where do we go from here? I have no reason to trust my husband on an emotional level I've heard all the promises before...i've witnessed them being broken, i honestly don't know if i have it in me to love him again and I have my children to think about. The best recourse is not always keeping the family intact at all cost for the kids sake...because the kids have been greatly affected in a bad way because of our relationship."

Thats where she at..she says very sorry for affair.

I just want to rebuild and have many questions and of course she isn't committed to me or this mariage yet...other than she is back and we are talking..she needs to just come to the conclusion that reconsiliation is what she wants to try ,I suppose. I can't force her to love me or trust me or even to try.