What is it that drives BS's to want details? Isn't it bad enough that we know some of the details?

D-day was 30 days ago and my wife had told me about her EA/PA with OM that lasted three months. She told me that they had intercourse one time and that's when she felt sick and broke it off with him.

I knew about many things... the emotional attachment, the sexual affair, the happiness she had when with OM, but there were other things that she was not telling me because she was afraid of hurting me more than I already was.

For the last month I've gone through a wave of emotions that I've never experienced. Two days ago I finally broke down and went to the doctor because of an anxiety attack that I'd been having for nearly 5 days. First time I've ever had one. Had NO idea had to control myself or my emotions. It was like I was watching myself on TV and had no control over anything other than to watch what would happen next.

I'm now on AD's (Wellbutrin and Xanax) and for the first time I felt like I was back in control. My FWW and I went out Wednesday evening and I had fun. Been a while since I could smile.

Yesterday was a good day and last night we made love. My wife has always told me that I'm the best lover she has ever been with and that no one else has ever come close to making her feel the way she does.

The fact that she had intercourse with the OM never really bothered me. Maybe because I knew she was sickened with guilt afterwards and broke it off with him. I still couldn't help but wonder about other detais.

After making love we were laying in bed and I finally had to ask her more questions. The questions that she had been afraid of because she knew it would hurt me. Why? I figured I'd already taken a Xanax about 4.5 hours ago and kinda felt emotionally numb, so now would be the time to ask the questions.

I looked at her and asked if she and OM ever had oralS. She hesitated which instantly answered my question and then followed it with a "yes". I then asked how many times and she said a few times.

OS between my FWW and I has always been very personal for me. Again, she has stated since day one that I've been the best she ever had. In a way I pride myself on my performance of OS and what I could do for her. Also, I never really cared about recieving OS from anyone till I met her.

This hit me harder than anything else she had told me. Maybe because she had it more than once and didn't feel the same level of guilt and disgust as when she had intercourse. Or maybe it was good enough to have it more than once and now I felt like I was in second place rather than being the best.

I laid back down and she reached over to touch me. For the first time EVER I became disgusted by her touch. I removed her hand from me and ran to the kitchen. I couldn't get to the Xanax fast enough. I knew I was gonna start shaking again so I better take care of this now.

Afterwards I was sitting on the couch thinking about what I just heard and how I felt. The disgust, the fact that I didn't want her to touch me. It tore me up. I'm a very touchy-feely kind of person and I couldn't be with someone that I couldn't touch.

Then I realized that I love my wife so much and that this feeling of betrayal will pass. Though to me it was the ultimate betrayal, more than the intercourse, my love for her was greater than my current feeling. I needed to feel the touch of my wife and I wanted her to want me.

She came downstairs to look for me and I immediately grabbed her and held her. The feeling of her touch was so warm and inviting and I was so relieved she was near me.

She asked why I asked her and wanted to know. I told her that sometimes people want to know the details, even if it hurts, so they can put this problem to rest. For me, if I don't know the facts my mind starts to race and create other senarios or events. They only get worse and I get anxiety attacks. At least this way I can say I know and now I can start to deal with this. Plus, I told her that I would rather know everything now while I still have a lot of fresh pain rather than being told something like this in four months and starting the pain all over again.

Anyone else feel that way about wanting the details? Does knowing the facts, no matter how painful, seem to close a door so that you can move on, stop wondering, and begin healing?

For me, yes!

I used this analogy with FWH the other night because I have felt...two years later...he is holding back the details so as not to hurt me.

To put him in my shoes...

Imagine if I had spent our first year of M in prison. He never knew what I went in for, and I never wanted to talk about it because it was a bad time in my life and I was ashamed of it. I thought it would hurt him if I told him details. Why would he need to know? For one, he would want to if I would be capable of doing it agin in the future, or if it was a simple, one time mistake. He's want to know what my experience was like in prison because it effects the way I view the world now, and me as a person. If I never want to talk about it, then over time it would seem like I was hiding something and I am still up to the old tricks, just don't want to be caught.

No, I was never in prison...

But think on this for awhile...the analogies are uncanny.

For myself I want to know EVERYTHING. I'd rather have all the horrible truth now than to continue tormenting myself with my imagination. I read a nice letter on another website and I used it to write one of my own to my wife. So many people say things so much better than I ever can.
It helped me to organize my thoughts and she said that she understood where I was coming from after she read it. I'll just paste it here without permission and give the URL for those that want to browse the website.


"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

Last night, I hurt my H again...

He asked for "details of my intimacy with the OM"...

I told him the truth and then wished I could have taken it back. It was the part of the A I just did not feel comfortable telling my H about but I know that honesty right now is the key. So I was honest...After I told him he reacted in a way I was so afraid he would. He left our bed. when I found him downstairs, he was out of sorts... lost. I asked him to come to bed, before we laid in our bed he told me the worst part of the answer was the feeling of disgust when I touched his arm. That sent shivers down my spine... I never thought he'd feel that way. he said it was only for a moment... and then he realized how much he needed my love and touch that the feeling of disgust washed away. (At least I hope it won't creep up in an intimate moment) I asked him, why sis he want to know... he said because knowing was better than his imagination running wild. And, he needed closure for that part of the A and it was better to get it all now rather than get bits a pieces later in life and re-open that cut. I could understand that... but I still hurt him.

This morning, he told me how deeply hurt he was because this had always been a very personal, fantastic part of our marriage. I didn't want to give him anymore "details" but I felt these were details he needed to hear... my intimacy with the OM was not satifying, matter of fact, it was dissappointing. He felt a huge weight off his shoulders. Felt his confidence was restored. So sometimes, some details "do" need to be shared... I feel we're on the road to recovery... and we made it through a pot hole. :-)

Honey... I love you.

Undo

You want the details because without them that period of time is an illusion for you it is not real. Without the details/truth I felt as though that period of time was erased from my mind almost as if I did not exist for that period of time. I needed to know the truth, at least with the truth I could see the true path of my life to the present. Without the details my life was too disjointed. Does that make sense?

For me, I need to know all of the details - every single last one - so I can truly believe that I can trust what she tells me. If I ask a question, and she trys to avoid it, how can I ever trust anything that she says? But, if she answers even the hardest questions, I know I can start putting my faith back into her.

Details are important for the reasons listed above. We need facts to take the place of our imaginations. We need facts to understand what happened, so that we can process and heal.

Once I felt that my husband was willing to provide me all the details, that was enough. I didn't have to hear it all. I knew that if I needed to know, I could get it.

I had spent so much of my time before recovery trying to determine reality from fiction - and the lies and coverups helped to make me feel crazy and delusional and off balance.

My husband's honesty helped me to get grounded. It also helped that I was able to take much of what he said and verify it elsewhere.

Those details were a huge part of our recovery - and had he not been willing to part with that information, I don't think we could have recovered.

My reasons for wanting details was because I needed the truth. While we were divorced she took her old EA partnet and very publicly took it to a PA. Of course, I never wanted the divorce and immediately thought that that it was always a PA. I was devastated. Within a week as a friend tried to console me he told me that "you know she had an affair 2-3 years ago". I did not really know. Of course I was even more crushed. My marriage really was the joke she said it was. I was really gone but she would never answer me about the accusation. She simply said "it doesn't matter now does it".

When we decided to try and reconcile we immediately set up some pretty tough boundries. It was time to air dirty laundry. She told me that I was right, she did have an affair but the details were unimportant. She would not share anything with me. It was then that I found MB.

For about 7 agonizing months I had numerous D-days. Her affair went from a couple of out of town flings related to work to a full fledged EA/ PA(2x) that lasted a year. She lied about timing, lied about events. Imagine how I felt when I realized I actually had caught her in 1998 while she was in Vegas (for work??) and I was in Florida with our babies visiting and taking them to a race. When she went away she called the boys 2 -3 x a day. I had taken my oldest to see the NASCAR boys practice and he was really excited to tell Mommy. She never called that night and did not call until the next afternoon!! I went Ape$hit. I called her out: "Who is the man that is more important than your children?". She got extremely angry and did the "I'm nothing but an F'ing liar, You know how busy I am at these conventions, how tiring it is, yada"...I again asked her "WHO IS IT?" She hung up. Never did talk to the boys. When she called back an hour later, assuming I had left I refused to let her speak to them. She lambasted me for years about this, how cruel it was. In fact her anger deflected my concerns, I put away all of teh red flags....I ignored them.....the reality I find out was it was the first time....and she called after she decided NOT to kill herself. So my reaction made it worse.

I found out about all of this after much thought. I say I had no idea because I trusted her. I thought I knew when she lied. I tought a lot of things. She lied about social events and who was there. I could care less about what they did or did not do. She said it was not about sex and that there was no OS (I LB'd that one time when I caught her lying).

The morning after D-day she called me as I wept at home...wanted to know if I was "all right". I told her no.
I went to pick up my boys to take to the babaysitters. I could not look at her. She was devastated. I was worse.

So for me, she doesn't talk about it, she answers questions and for quite some time she lied about it. To me sharing the details puts things in perspective for me. It also would build trust because she was opening up on a secret. One she said was killing her, was a basis for her continued pressure for a divorce. "she knew I'd never forgive her"...


My 200th post..and look at it...man that sucked writing all of that...