WH and I separated for a month, and he moved back in Jul 16 saying that he wants to see if there is still something between us. On July 14, he told the OW (almost divorced) that he wants to commit to our marriage and see if there is still something. Yesterday I pointed him to this site and told him of an affair book. He checked out the site and read a bit of the book. His response: I was reading your book a bit this morning, following all your links that you send me yesterday. It’s just that all these things point in one direction and it’s all to one side. Maybe, just maybe, there is another side!? I read nothing about any other possibility. Maybe since I was in one serious relationship before this, I didn’t know what emotional needs were being met and what weren’t. And can just anyone meet someone else’s emotional needs? My opinion is a definite NO. I don’t know if this is the case or what in my situation. That’s why I enjoy talking to my family. They don’t encourage me either way; they just want to see me happy. Do I think at this time I could be happy with the OP – yes! Do I think I could be happy with you in the future? At this time my answer is NO, but I can’t be certain that won’t change.

We have a night away planned for Saturday, our first in 5 yrs without kids. I told him if I knew he felt that strongly, I wouldn't have planned it. He said no, he wants to go to see if he feels something. He asked that I don't talk to him about getting on antidepressants because he doesn't have an illness or disease.

I am at a loss at what to do. Do I keep trying to plan things for us, like things we used to enjoy together, or do I make him leave? He says he doesn't want to leave until he knows for sure that he doesn't believe there is anything between us. Please give any advice you can.

As long as the OW is in the picture (they are working together, right?), he won't get back his feelings for you. He has to have no contact with her.

The statistics for going on with the affair partner and being happily married are dismally low - less than 3%. But of course, he will think that he will be in that 3%.

Personally, I wouldn't go on vacation with him, because he is trying the impossible - getting feelings back for you, while still addicted to her.

Does he make enough money to pay you child support?

Marriage is not "feelings based"

it is a committment

the problem with affairs ... all of them are 100% feeling-based ... and what's wrong with that?

feelings always change, they must ... our brains cannot sustain one feeling for the rest of our lives.

So, the "in love" feeling of courtship which is an affair ... is not a fair comparison to the mature committed love of a long term marriage.

If you are going out on a date to "audition" for a place in your husband's heart ... that is part of Plan A ... so go ahead. But do not for a minute buy his load of foggy-brain horse manure that his "feelings" for OW are any more permanent than any other affair.

He's alien-headed ... so listen to his non-logic affair-speak with a grain of salt, meet his needs ... get yourself well versed with Plan A ... and that means EXPOSE this affair to whomever has value in your life as marriage/family supporters.

You will likely need to go to Plan B very quickly. Perhaps within a matter of 4 weeks or so ... depending on the situation.

Right now, your H is enjoying the flattering attention of 2 women .... and once he gets used to this, it usually takes a STRONG Plan B to wake him up to the fact that he is going to lose his wife=life with his stupid affair!

Plan A ---> includes exposure ... prepare for Plan B and give your husband NO WARNING pre-exposure or pre Plan B either.

believer ~ As far as I know (I asked him yesterday) he has bumped into her at work 2 times (just said hi in the hallway). Otherwise he isn't talking to OW. Does bumping into each other like that put you back at day 1? And you are right, he does think he will be in the 3%. He has said he doesn't know if OW is the one he would want, but right now he doesn't know that I'm the one he wants.

I earn more than he does (he works PT to spend a day with the kids), so child support from him would be minimal.

The thing is, he doesn't want to leave until he is sure that he knows it won't work between us. While he was gone he had enough thoughts of maybe it will work that made him want to come back. I know he didn't come back for the kids because they adjusted fine to spending 2 nights with him.

[color:"red"]YES ! [/color]

Have you studied the information on this site? Not just the discussion boards but on the concepts pages.... If you had, you would not have asked this question.

Go read or re-read. It's important you get better clarity of the enemy you are dealing with.

I have tried to get him to quit his job. Told him it was really important that he doesn't see her EVER. He doesn't think that bumping into her would affect him. He has sent out a few resumes, but nothing so far. I think he is waiting for the perfect job to fall in his lap. He tried to justify not changing jobs because he has it so good there - casual dress, flex hours, works PT, and switch schedule at a moments notice, put in just 8hr days so he has time with the kids. I have tried to tell him we can get by if he quits, but he doesn't want to impact our kids by him not working and having less income.

The above "convincing" is not part of Plan A.



Once you put this out there ... let it go, save your breath .. assume the affair is still hot-heavy-nasty as long as they are "bumping" at work.

Have you studied this sites concepts fully and to the level of excellent grasp and understanding?

I do not expect your H to buy into anything at this point (except his feelings right now that is all he has ... other than that, he is lost to his old self for awhile) ...

I am not convinced you know the concepts well enough yet to implement them.

Do you?

Pep ~ I have recently read Plan A but have not implemented it. I was doing much of it without knowing it is plan A. So I will now focus on Plan A.

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