Hello all. I am having a really tough couple of weeks. I am so confused and shocked at my feelings right now, and wonder if it is normal- and how long I might feel this way?

I just want to know if this is normal to cry every day because you wanted to be happy and lost all of your feelings, etc. for your H due to cheating, and all kind of other crap that hurt you ... I did love him but it was really really deeply hidden for some time.

ugh... I cannot BELIEVE I am going thru this. I wanted him out, practically forced him out, cut off my love, my sex, was mean, didnt want to be in the same room w/him..... I was just so hurt from so many past incidents that it all caught up to me and I was numb. He showed me SO much love and attention all the time-- adored me- YET all of that was mixed with very negative things also. When things got hard, he turned elsewhere- very quickly and he would be mean and nasty to me for my attention---- always tried to force me to get over things WAY too quickly.

GEE not so numb now.... WHY THE HECK DOES THIS HAPPEN!!!

For those of you who may have felt the marriage was miserable- and then he / she was gone... did you feel sick and emotional for very long- and do you feel much better now that you realized it was NOT healthy to stay?

Where are you getting help besides this board?

are you sure you don't still love him?

Pep-
I am getting no help anywhere, really. I am pretty much alone in this, as I do not talk to my friends much about any of the paticular problems- I don't want to do that as their advice would be very jaded.

eav- I do still love him. I have always loved him. There was very little good in our relationship the past couple years- but we always loved each other. I know that sounds dumb, but its true. I love him so much I just didnt know how to unbury it with all the pain and post-tramatic symtoms of past cheating,oc, etc. It hurt very bad to feel this way but I felt helpless to it, and I felt so miserable with him because I never properly dealt with our past. Just swept it under so I could "be happy" and just "get over it" and keep my family together. That did not work very well.. like I woke up one day and went numb, completely.

Are you still considering reconciling? if you both still love each other and can learn from this experince how to have a stronger, happier marriage....why not at least try?

WARNING: This is not typical marriage building advice I am about to give you... it's not even advice, just something to think about.

I am 33 years old and recently divorced from a man (term loosely used in this case) who had multiple affairs over our 11 year marriage. We have 3 children together: two girls (10 and 8) and a 1 1/2 year old boy.

One day, in the midst of trying to save my marriage, I realized that I had mistaken love for dependance. There were a lot of other factors too... our children, our home, our families, our shared history, etc.

But LOVE? I look back at my threads from that time and I look back over our history together. I don't know that I can really say that it was love.

I'm a very independant woman. I don't think most people would use the term dependant to describe me...ever.

And that was a hard thing to come to terms with for me. Here I was trying to save a marriage to a man who repeatedly disrespected me, our children, our family, our vows. He lied constantly, abandoned our children, used his mother for money to finance his affair and put his own needs and wants before everyone else.

DId I truly LOVE this man? I do believe that people can change and I believe that a marriage can be rebuilt and be better after an affair. You only have to spend a short time here to see that.

I was during the time that I realized it wasn't really LOVE I was fighting for that I started to be able to move on.

I realized that my children would NOT be better off seeing this relationship as a model for their adult lives.

I realized I wanted to 'win' at any cost. The truth was the cost would not outweigh the benefit.

He swore to change after each affair that I knew about. He never did and I realized the chances of him really truly changing were not strong enough to gamble on when it came to me and my children.

I realized I was dependant on many things... him in my life a husband regardless of the quality of our marriage. I was dependant on the effects of the affair (checking on him, wondering, and I hate to say it but I was dependant on always being the more upstanding of the two of us because I had been faithful. I was always one step up. Bad, bad thinking). I was dependant on him as a father, as a friend (we had been together for 11 years when we divorced).

I was comfortable and a bit scared to actually go out into this big world as a divorced mother of three children. I was dependant on the constancy of a person regardless of the quality of the relationship.

I don't know how this came to me, but when it did I started healing. Naming my weakness helped me to overcome it.

I was dependant and it was my choice to stay that way. I had to make the choice to stay and attempt to change someone (which you can never do) or to live my life to the fullest and healthiest for me...and for my children.

Just something to think about. I don't believe every marriage is meant to be saved. Mine wasn't.

I have a bias towards the viability of marriages with multiple affairs but I know it is possible.

I would say that you might want to sit back and decide if it really is "LOVE", however you define it, that you feel.

Even if it's not, there is always the possibilty you can return that feeling.

Do you really want to? Is the probability of a better marriage there?

I'm not saying it's not. Trust me, I believe a person must decide for themselves what is right and best in their life. Only you know that. My beliefs are built upon my own knowledge and experiences only.

Just thinking about it may strengthen your resolve and you may realize that YES!! it is what you want to fight for and that you can have a better marriage.

This is just a long way to say (cause I can't say anything in a short post) really think about it and what you want and believe you can do.

I do not regret a bit that I left that marriage. I am much happier today. I wouldn't wish a single moment changed in the end because I certainly learned a lot that I would not have otherwise.

One of my favorite quotes is "The more sorrow carves out of your being, the more joy you can contain".

My lessons were necessary to my growth and served a purpose. Realizing my dependance was necessary to take the next steps in my life.

Just a thought. Best of luck to you in whatever road you take.

FIM