Caught WH the other day "taking care of business" when thought was alone (luckily kids not in house yet). I was SO angry because they could have walked in on him and also that he chose that instead of being with me!! I know, I know, Dday was 6/21 and things are still fresh but he has had no contact with her for 3wks today and I have offered anything related to SF I can think of (starting slow, doing the sensate touching as described in "after the affair" , asking just for hand holing, hugs, quick kiss, etc.) Always turned down. Have told him still desire him, tried to talk about his needs, etc. Our last encounter was April and it is very difficult; I know I have to create + experiences for him in other ways before he feels close to me again. I know he is not ready but I fear our history of avoiding sex is what he is hiding behind--it hasn't helped in the past, why would it help now??? He was very embarrassed, said "I've had to do this for 15 years anyway" and my favorite "I wasn't even thinking of her" (didn't ask for details). I'm not a prude but it hurts he would rather turn me down and choose this way to release his stress! Any ideas, enouragement, commiserating would help!

No, do not be offended.

How intimate are you emotionally?

My WH and I have never been very open about our feelings (hence our problems now); since dday I have been encouraging him to open up; I have & have told him about an incident in my past that I kept from everyone where I was attacked; he was very supportive, said it explained some of my behaviors and should have told him earlier--only night he ever "spooned" with me since--I can't remember when. He has had some impotence issues (with OW as well--that cheered me--sick,huh?)and have tried to talk with him about this. Through our M I would withhold sex as punishment--if he wasn't home fr work I was mad, then came home and was still mad; not fair to him but I was overwhelmed feeling like single parent, being in a new state, etc (military) and other issues I'm working on. I have told him these things as well. We did the his needs/her needs survey prior to dday so am trying to work on those. He opens up sometimes but I feel he is punishing me (my turn to see how it feels). There are times I ask questioons and he is totally silent. Told him not to be afraid to hurt me more; ways to phrase his answers--"I need......." vs. "she does..........". Besides, how can the pain get much worse???