Here is my situation short version,

my h and I were in school, and got pregnant with twins, dated 2 years before that. We got married I was 21, h- 23, hard for him, becuase he didn't want kids. Earlier, I told him stay in school I would return home. He chose to be a father to his kids, and move to Alabama with me back home. Times were tough for us, mothe helped a lot but his family didn;'t help much. Therefore, there were problems between us because he wanted to take care of them ( his family) but we weren't in position to do so. Affair has happened, with 3 rd perosn, more emotional affair. However, had sex a little ( from what husband says_), now she is pregnant.

Obviously I am distraught, we had twins ( 5 years old) and a 2 year old of our own. Now i am 26, and he is 28. Husband is upset, even though he made his own bed. Claims he wants to stay married and lists all of his mistakes. However, he hasn't told ow he wants to be married to me, and I think he should.

Ow- didn't tell him she was pregnant by a letter until 2 moths or more pregnant. that happened this pas May. Won't tell h when baby is born
(or maybe H is lying still.) Said she doesn't want to make him be attached to her, even though she doensn't mind him, being there for her, but she is not making him. However, she asks him to go to the doctor with her. The very same woman who was knocking down our door 2 and 3 in the morning, screaming she loves him, etc, just about 3 weeks ago, now says he doesn't have to do anything. ( to me that doesn't make sense.

H- I want him to take a stand for our marriage and for me if he wants to be married. He claims to do that, but won't be totally open, ( like let me check voicemail, etc. and have me in on conversations with ow.) he says he will tell my family, even though I'm fearful for him to do so.
He has not thought that ow will always be in our lives.

Me- I am enbarassed and ashamed for what has happened. I feel I will look desperate if I stay with him, plus I know tha ow will always be in our lives, even if she wasn't I know cs will have to be paid. That thought right there angers me deeply. I need some time from him, because this is the the 3rd affair, and I don't feel he has ever been truly remorseful, until now. I still really love him. It's hard for me to walk away. NOt for financial reasons, but because I would like to provide a family for my children growing up.

Questions:
To those who have stuck in their marriage with oc, why? do you feel it was worth it, what have you gained?
- Did the thought ever come to you that maybe you could just start another life with a new person, have a clean slate. He might have kids, might not, but that's the chance you take?
- Did you ever get the feeling to call ow family, because I talked to ow dad 2 years ago on mother's day, telling him, my husband was a married man. Her mother wouldn't accept it,dad listened a little. Now I feel like asking them, what now?

Hi there, hiwriter. Welcome to the board.

My H and I have stayed together through OW/OC scenario. Our situation sounds very similar in that we married and became parents at a very young age. The OW in our situation is very wishy-washy, one minute professing love for my H, the next saying she hated him and wanted nothing to do with him.

We struggled for a long time deciding whether or not contact would be a viable solution. My H struggled with wanting to just "forget it" and let OW raise OC alone and on her terms. But, my H just wasn't cut out to be an absent father. He decided contact was the only way for him. For me, I live with it one day at a time. I cannot promise my H that I can stick by him no matter what, because OW causes so much turmoil that there are days I think often of divorce and making a new life, but I am always very honest with my H about these feelings, and so far we've made it through.

I feel that OC benefits more than anyone from contact with the father. That in itself is the WHY. It's not for my H, or me, or OW, or the other children. It is simply what we felt was best for the OC.

Yes, again, I think often of starting over when our dealings with OW get stressful. But, as long as my H is open with me and I am open with him we manage to stick together. It was hard for me to get past the fact that my H's choice to help raise OC meant that OW would always be a part of my marriage. Everything that affects OC also affects my children, sometimes in ways I'd rather not deal with. Like every experience, it has positives and negatives. The look of love on OC's face everytime she comes to stay with us has so far been well worth the struggles we've faced.

I believe that my H and I are closer and share a stronger bond because of our contact with OC and dealing with infidelity issues. We have had to strip ourselves down and lie in open sight of one another.....showing every ugly detail of our personalities. We still love eachother, and despite our problems there are many couples we know who are jealous of our closeness.

I wouldn't recommend dealing with OW's family. It turned out disasterously for me. In the end, they are, of course, always looking out for OW and OC. You need to surround yourself with your own support system and find ways to cope without turning to the advocates of your H and OW.

To be quite clear though, I had to Plan A and Plan B my H before we could start over. We seperated for three months NC before he finally stopped lying to me. He was in the FOG for nearly a year and a half, and it was the worst year and a half of my life.

Transparency. He needs to let OW that he's staying with you, he needs to establish No Contact with OW until paternity is established (and that is IMPORTANT!!!). He needs to be an open book to save your marriage.

I would also look into counseling, both individually and as a couple. After a third affair, you definitely need it.

Hope this helps some. Keep us updated.

Big (((hugs)))

AVNL

After a 3rd affair, I don't know that I would have stayed. jmho.

As for me yes, I was ready to move on to whatever awaited me. It wouldn't take away the pain one bit, my H still had an affair and my siblings would still have a half-sibling. But possibly I could have a stable trusting relationship with a man who treated me the way I felt I deserved to be treated, with dignity and respect.

After many heartfelt conversations I decided to stick it out with husband seeing his true remorse and feeling his willingness to do right by me.

In the begininning it was like a second honeymoon, we rdiscovered and reconnected. As the pregnancy progressed there were many emotions on my part and I obsessed a lot about what was to come.

Since the baby has been born and with diligent effort on H's part to put our family first it has been easier.

Now we are dealing with the financial strain, but I can't imagine having a better relationship with any man.

We've built a new foundation for ourselves, a new willingness to do whatever we have to to make eachother happy and take time for eachother.

I do believe that the MB principles and the willingness to carry them out are key to turning your relationship around. It's not easy, but if both parties are ready it's so worth it.

Good luck!!

I haven't posted here in awhile but I thought I might be able to help by sharing my story a little.

Question 1:
I have stayed in my marriage. Though we did separate for about 6 mos. after I found out he had cheated again after being faithful for five years. Then a couple of months after we separated, we found out about OC.
We have contact with OC. I feel like my husband and I have gained a whole new insight into each. Through counseling, he's learned to accept himself. I have learned that I am much stronger than I thought. My family, son and daughter, have learned a lesson about marriage. It's work. They know their mother and father love each other, but humans make mistakes, very big mistakes sometimes. I love my family which includes Oc.

Question 2:
When my husband and I separated, I did think about maybe moving on. But I "know" I would wind up with someone just like him. Why not try again to see if our marriage could be salvaged? He's not physically abusive. He IS a good man. I have always thought that if I couldn't make this marriage work, what makes me think I could make a second work? We have all this history together....And most important? I still loved and love him. (yeah...I know...sounds sappy)

Question 3:
No....that LAST thing I wanted to do was contact HER family. But she was more than willing to call H's. I did speak to HER husband once. I told him that while we were waiting to go to court, I would appreciate it if HIS wife quit calling MY husband's cell phone. Needless to say, the phone calls stopped...tee hee

I know EXACTLY how you feel. You feel like a "schmuck" for loving him. Like the whole world is giggling and snickering behind your back. SO WHAT?! They have no idea what they would do in your shoes. They say they would never stay. How do they know? THEY DON'T!!

Sure...even now I know other co-workers talk about my situation. But I have the BEST family. And after we went through H*ll and back? I love OC. She is such a blessing and a joy in our lives. She makes me feel old but other than that? That little girl is like my own. When she is with us, people get that little quizzical look in their eyes like,"Is that their daughter or granddaughter?" I introduce as my step daughter and they REALLY get confused. BIG DEAL!! If they ask, my husband or I tell the truth. Believe me, they won't ask anymore questions! LOL

Hope some of this helps ya dear. Hang in there! The first couple of months are the rawest.

entwife

Like the others here, I'm sorry that your life has taken you down this road. Keep in mind everything happens for a reason and yes bad things happen to good people. This web site and some others have been the best thing that I have ever stumbled across. These ladies her are great.
As you've said he has had 3 A's? And what steps did you go though as a couple to resolve the problems?? Did you go to MC or IC? I will tell you that this site will NOT change your H! It is only here to help YOU be all that you can be. The only one in charge of your life and where it goes is YOU. Not to say that its you fault or anything just that we are to help you change yourself, not to change your H.

My step son baby A is almost a year old. We have legal C and visitations in place and we are getting along with our life. He is a part of our family and I regret nothing. Its not been easy and there are day's like the others that I feel if I could get the strength and just walk out and no one would find me my life would be great. But deep down in my heart, I know that is not where god wants me to be. I am hear and he is helping me in every step I take. I love my H very deeply and I love my family. We have (1) D that is 12. She at first was funny w the whole thing, but now she is a great big sister. She knows right from wrong and knows how/why Baby A is here. Honesty, to me is the only way to make it though something like this. I know it wasn't her (ow) intent to make my M stronger, but that is just what it did. I realized that YES I do love/care/want my H and vise versa. Before we where just living for the kids KWIM. Now we are living for each other and our future together.
NO, it is NOT easy. Worth it, YES, I feel in the long run it will be. I have the love of my H and the love of my kids and now I have the love of my step son.
I would suggest to you that you PRAY ALOT, find out what is in your heart and what do YOU want? Where do you want to be. What are you learning from this?? Or needing to learn from this? I've learned that YES I can do all things though him! You will too.
Sunny D

To those who have stuck in their marriage with oc, why? do you feel it was worth it, what have you gained?

I think what I did pleases God as I understand Him, and that means more to me than what others think. I still have my self-respect. I did everything I could and thankfully it worked. If I'd not tried, I'd always wonder. I don't feel like a rug, because I required things of my DH too. I kept my family intact (that feels like success, like winning!). Eventually (6y) we had visitation w/OC, and I honestly like the child; she's a neat person and I'm glad I know her and don't mind having her in my life (but I don't think contact is for everyone).


- Did the thought ever come to you that maybe you could just start another life with a new person, have a clean slate. He might have kids, might not, but that's the chance you take?

It would NEVER be a "clean slate"!!! We take our relationship problems from the last one into the next one. WE have not changed unless we figured out ALL that went wrong last time. I learned things from post-A counseling w/my H.
Further, H and I have children together and I would always have contact w/H because of them; divorce would've hurt me and my kids too.

- Did you ever get the feeling to call ow family, <s> Now I feel like asking them, what now?

Don't drag her parents into it. XOW's an adult (I assume) and it's not their problem. Use better support people for yourself, people who will respect your decisions and sympathize with YOUR side maturely, without demonizing your H.



It's important to ask yourself the old Ann Lander's question: ARE YOU BETTER OFF WITH HIM OR WITHOUT HIM?

In other words, was he a jerk BEFORE the affair too, or is this an isolated incident? Do you know some of the "whys" in his mind, what he used to excuse himself? There's a lot to learn there, for you and for him.

Sorry you're in this situation,
J
7y recovery and glad I stayed

Hello HW.

I thought I'd add my .02 ...

My H has NC w/OC and it has been that way since d-day- he never went back to her, she gave up trying to contact him, etc.. and he pays CS, that is it.

I personally got over the oc issues because we had NC-- I never really think of it anymore, and the baby was born in January of 04, not that long ago !

However, we did not receive counseling (only one session) and we tried to reconcile but we did not take the proper steps. I fell madly OUT of love with my husband and eventually I just shut down to the marriage.. and we are seperated again. (long story short, LOL)...

So, my point of this is... the OC is just an added problem/point of sorrow that you can get over or deal with. You can even go NC w/OC and your MARRIAGE AND HUSBAND are going to be what makes you happy, fulfills you, etc. What I'm saying is.... the marriage HAS to be healed of the original problems before the A/OC, or else the problems will never go away. That was the mistake me and my H made- not healing/fixing/working hard to fix the original problems and they came back full force- with or without an OW or OC, etc.

Whatever you decide, know that this is fundamentally your HUSBAND'S decision- and you have to deal with and do what YOU feel you CAN. Not everyone can do contact- it is not exacly human nature to just love and accept this! You have a choice- and you cannot take the blame or feel you are wrong if you cannot handle it. If you just go along with contact all the while dying inside-- it will NOT work out for your marriage. Dont let H or yourself expect you to be all okie dokey with this and just "accept" it.

Good luck to you !