It's been a long week and I am feeling so tired
and so sick of all the "back and forth" and crap
by WH that I'm not eating well, not sleeping well,
and have trouble making it through a day at work.

My previous posts give more detail, but basically
I believe H is involved with someone. I haven't
been able to figure out if it is one specific person
or if he has a whole little "string" of OW going,
as I know he's been on the internet for months,
getting into sites like "Friendfinder", etc.
I discovered repeat calls to one number on June's
bill and called her (had also seen her name in H's
cell phone) and she seemed sincerely suprised- H
had told her he was single, had no kids, and made
himself sound very successful and wealthy ! (NOT !)
I have seen other numbers in his phone and around
on peices of paper, receipts, etc. so I'm sure
this is not the only person he's told this "story"
to.
I've also found receipts for cash withdrawals from
his bank account (always same amount), a receipt
for a hotel, and strange charges on his credit card.
He's become very secretive about his plans, job,
and all financial matters as well.

My H does have a history of depression and obsessive-
compulsive disorder, and we had problems about 4 yrs
ago with him meeting people online, then having EA
with an older woman, but had done MB and thought things
were going pretty well latey, until this all began
again. I just started going to IC and my counselor
feels that he has a lot of emotional/mental issues-
both the depression and obsessive-compulsive issues
but also some possible problems with alcohol (doesnt
drink for months, then goes on a sort of "binge"),
and possibly sexual addiction.

H is home with me most evenings and weekends so it
doesn't seem to fit the typical scenario of a "A",
but something has got to be going on !! I've begun
to wonder if he is "carrying on" with people via
the internet, phone, etc. (who may not even be local)
and the money, hotel, etc. could be something like
an "escort" service ?

H won't talk about anything, doesn't seem interested
in making any effort, getting MC, or saving this
M. He denies that anyone else is involved, just says
"he doesn't want to be married", or "he needs his space".
When put "on the spot" or caught in a lie, he gets
angry, defensive, leaves, or says something really
unkind.

I know that he is trying to purchase a house on his
own. (He has been wanting and trying to purchase a
"fixer upper" for some time, intending to "rehab" it
to sell or keep if we really liked it). Although
he took me to see the house a couple of times, he
did't tell me he was again trying to put in an offer
and purchase it. I found out snooping that he did
make an offer which was accepted, and he is now
trying to get a loan for it, without me. The closing
date is only a couple of weeks away, so I'm afraid
he will get this house, and move out.
He has asked me to write a list of things "I want"
from our house, which really hurts. I have
not done so, don't know if I should ?

A couple of weeks ago, I found that H had taken
the paperwork for a separation/divorce from our
file cabinet. (we had it from 4 yrs ago, and it
has been stuck in bottom of cabinet ever since).
I asked why he took it, and he said "he wanted
to look at it". I asked if he was going to do
something with it and he said "he didn't know".
Today, I found he had a receipt for the Courthouse,
and the amount was the cost of the set of paperwork.
Don't know why he would get another set, unless
he tried to file and paperwork was too old or
something ?

I am just devestated. I've loved, supported,
trusted, and done everything I could do to make
our marriage work. We've had great times together,
had many future plans, and now I feel like the
situation is probably hopeless. H seems to be in
a very heavy "fog", but is rushing full speed ahead
into life without me. Why the big rush ????
Why is it so easy to just throw away 10 years with
someone ? He knows it will mean we will have to sell
the house (which I love, but can't afford), that
I will have to sell my new car (won't be able to afford)
and we have a dog we both love and treat like a kid !

Poor judgement and impulsive behaviors are related
to some of his mental/emotional problems, but
this time it seems like he's getting himself into
things he can't easily fix. (buying a house, or
filing for D). I'm afraid he'll finally hit bottom
and come out of the fog, but it will be too late.

A couple of weeks ago, he said he wanted to go to
a therapist, and I was thrilled- thought maybe he
could work on his issues, and that might lead us to
be able to work on the M. I got the insurance info
and list of providers for him, but here two weeks
later he's done nothing with it. I asked a few times
and encouraged him to get something set up, but
it seemed to be making him mad, so I've not mentioned
it now for a couple of days. Don't get this either !!?

For lack of any other thought of what to do, I am
doing a Plan A as best as I can. It's hard because
we live in the same house, sleep in the same bed,
do things together like errands, walk the dog,
go out to eat, watch movies, etc. like we always
have and things seem almost "normal", but then
there is all this strange behavior and I'm told
he "doesnt want to be married".
Anyone else living in "the twilight zone" ?
Suggestions, ideas, help ???????
Thanks for caring,
Anne


Me (BS)-41
WH - 38
Together 10 years, married 7
Kids- none together He has 2 from previous relationships.
2001- He had internet "fling", 4mos EA with older woman,
and short-lived "flirtation" with another woman.
2002-2004- Recovery, or so I thought
2005- Problems start again

Only have a minute, but wanted you to know I'm still around.

Hon, I have a feeling you should spend more time on protecting yourself. IE..maybe you should see a lawyer... or at the very least..a private investigator.

That 300 dollars that disappears every so often? Hmmm could be an OW..or could be a lawyer.

There is just too much WEIRD stuff.
Are you sure that EA from before didn't go underground and become something more?
T

Glad to hear from you again, Twyla.

Hate to think that H would do anything to
s***w me over or be really hateful, but in his
current state of mind and with all the weird
behavior, I can't really be sure.
I have taken some suggestions from a lawyer and
have opened my own bank account, have photographed
every room of the house, and have copies of all
our bank statements, joint loans, land we own,
etc. just in case I end up needing them.
I also checked on the process if he does file
seperation/divorce paperwork, just so I would
know how things "work". Doing all this sure has
made me feel "creepy" and sad !

Looking at my notes (I keep track of dates, times,
where he says he is, etc. to match up with phone
bill and receipts) I notice that some of the $300
withdrawals correlate with nights where he has been
gone 2-3 hrs on "business" , then either come home
or has gone to the bar alone. Makes me think this
is him getting together with an "escort" type person
and perhaps trying to "drink it away" after ?
I find one number with frequent calls for a short
time, then another, which has made me think he's
playing the field with internet people, more than
just one OW, but don't really know.
(I don't think there's anything going on with the former
OW, as she broke it off with him about 4 yrs ago and has since re-married).

I was dreading the weekend, but it actually ended up
being pleasant. (nice, but even more confusing)
H called me Friday afternoon to ask if I wanted to
go out to dinner after he went to the gym. We did,
and had a nice evening. Sat. he called me to ask if
I wanted to go to lunch after I got off work, then
ran errands together. He later went over to that
house he is trying to buy and we talked a little
about it, since it's no longer a secret. He didn't
want me to come, however, so it still trying to keep
that as something that's just "his", I guess.
I have, in honesty, always been pretty negative about
his wanting to do the house "fixing up" and possible
move in the past, so I'm assuming that's why he
just decided to do this on his own, avoiding any
conflict with me- not exactly POJA !!
He was only gone a short time (could have been on
the phone, but probably too short to get together
with anyone). Came home, ate and watched a movie
together. Yesterday we ran errands, did house
and yardwork, watched a movie, played with the dog,
and he went to the gym. Gone long enough, again,
to have been on the phone with someone, but seems
too short to be a "get-together".
We got along well, laughed and joked, almost
could forget things aren't "normal". He doesn't
say anything about not being together, or ask
for my "list" (things I want from the house)
unless I ask about his getting a therapist appt,
ask about "us", etc. so apparently this is an
area of great confusion to him (?) Guess I need
to avoid bringing this up, to avoid a LB-

When he asked me to give him a list of what I want
from the house (a huge anxiety trigger for me) I
have just calmly said I don't want to do that, or
that it's something that's very hard to do since
I consider everything "both of ours" and can't
imagine splitting it up. Do you think I should
just stick with that ?

Just trying to take a day at a time, stay as
detached as I can be, pray, and see what happens-
don't feel like there's much else I can do !!?
Anne