I spoke to my wife's Principle (boss) today. He said there was nothing he could do if my wife didn't want to work at another school. She's part of a union, and the union doesn't allow the schools to get involved in the teacher's personal lives. He also said that both my wife and the OM were great teachers and he really didn't want to lose them.

Also, there will be no additional job postings for the rest of the summer. So even if my wife wanted to leave, there are no teaching positions available at this time. The door seems to have officially closed on saving this marriage. My wife and I talked last night and she said that she didn't feel that, at this time, we should stay married. She felt we both needed time apart and that maybe we could find our way back to each other, but for now she didn't think that it was possible for us to stay together. She said she can't imagine feeling any more miserable than she does now.

She felt my ultimatium about not working with the OM was unreasonable and that she shouldn't have to find another job. She felt that even if she found another job that there would be something else that I would demand she do. She did say that she "loved me to death", I'm starting to think she might have meant that literally. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I still love her, but I can't see any way that the marriage can survive or be healthy as long as she continues to work with the OM.

I'd have to say that last night and today rates right up there with d-day.

I can't seem to concentrate and I feel as low as I have ever felt. The trouble is, I don't think I've hit bottom yet.

Grove,
I am so sorry. It literally disgusts me that the principal of a school would stand by and let this type of behavior continue at a place where children are supposed to be learning.Just another symptom of the brokenness of our society. I wonder if some of the more experienced exposure experts on this site might have any ideas to put the pressure on this principal to make a move. Could you possibly go over the principal's head on this?

I'm kind of conflicted about the whole exposure thing.

1. I think it is the WS responsibility to do the right thing. If they are unwilling, than maybe that's your (or my) answer as to whether you can make your marriage work.

2. I'm about 99% sure that exposure will cause my wife to drift further apart from me. She will be furious, she may get over it, but she has control issues.

I have considered calling the superintendent of the school district, but I talked to the head of HR a few months back that basically said the same thing as the Priciple. It's a government job, so there's not much to be done.

GT, do you have a JC Penney in your town? My point is that there are always other jobs. Thats not the problem, the problem is that your W is not in any way interested in marital recovery and has no respect or regard for you. That is just something you have to accept.

Your W is already drifted about as far from you as possible. That was evidenced by the affair. Exposure didn't change that.

Grove,

The OM is not married? How big is the school? A big highschool, to where maybe they don't see each other every day?

I don't know how hard you should push on this right now. It sounds like it is either quit your job (that she loves) or else.

Its summer! Is school going on now??

It is always a tough call when the WS and OP work together after the A is over.

k

EDITED TO READ: Suzet* is works with the OM and has a hard time keeping her boundaries because of his aggresiveness.

And Suzet has been dealing with this for years. And she is a sincere, honest WS who is committed to the recovery of her marriage; yours is not. But she is in a foreign country where they can't just go off and change jobs like we can here.

The OM is not married but has a live-in girlfriend. He's 44 yrs old, divorced with one kid.

I've spoke to OM's girlfriend, she's in denial. Blames my wife (which I do too, but she didn't do it alone). I thought she had moved out, but recently discovered that they are still living together.

The school is not that big, and her class is just down the hall from his.

She doesn't love this job, she's never been good with change, but that's no excuse. I don't know what to believe. She swears that there is no way she will ever talk to him again, but either way she can't live with me anymore.

I called to make an appointment with SH today. I'd just like to get his opinion before I sign the divorce papers.

Mel, I understand that exposing won't really make her drift further apart, I just think that (if it's still possible) that it will make drifting back together harder. Her parents have told her that this is an inappropriate request, and I wouldn't care if there was just one other person out there that she talks to that would tell her what a bonehead she is being.

Oh well, looks like I'm backed into a corner now. I said NC and that she would have to change her job or I would file for divorce, it looks like I'm being forced to play my hand. I guess she might be surprised to find that I actually have a backbone after all these years.

removed

grove, I applaud you. I think you are doing the right thing. I do not know if you will get divorced and I hope that you do not. You are right, she has given you no choice. There can be no R unless there is NC. She will not do this so you have to file the D. This will force her to decide what she wants and to take the steps to get there. I hope that she chooses you and the M and not the OM and the D.

You cannot force her to do anything. You have to do what is right for you after careful consideration. I think that you have carefully thought this out and are doing the right thing. Please let us know what happens and we will be here to support you all of the way.

P.S. I am only 23 days from my "Come to Jesus meeting" and I cannot wait to get there and then start my new life in whatever direction it goes.

Sorry to hear abt the principal of the school not doing anything.

Well, I did my fair round of exposure. OW is WH's subordinate. There were outbursts from MIL and there were gentle warnings from friedns of "do think about what you are doing" to WH but none of them "really worked" either. That is if you think success of exposure means stopping the A. The A hasn't stopped in my case despite alot of people already knowing it. WH seems well justified to continue even though he feels ashamed. Perhaps he'll grow a thicker skin and 'get over' that feeling... I dunno.

When I told him that we can talk abt rebuilding our marriage only if OW is no longer in his life. WH answered that "if love comes with a condition, it's not love that I'm giving you".

Now, that's some boggling babble for you!

Stay strong, grove. How was your appt with SH?

~A

Just for the record, a successful exposure usually does not mean the immediate end of the affair. It hastens the end of the affair by making it uncomfortable and taking all the fun out of it. Exposure ruins the fantasy aspect of the affair, making it come to a quicker end when other eyes are watching. The more people know, the more squeezed the infidels feel. No one ever said that exposure would end the affair that day, so that is an unrealistic expectation.

Even so, we have seen exposures that caused the immediate end of the affair, it's not uncommon.

Mel:

For arguments sake, would you surmise that a WS who does NOT end the affair relatively soon AFTER full exposure will portend a LOWER RATE of marital recovery.

In medicalese terms. Does a WS who DOES not end the affair, at least initially, soon after a full exposure (say within one month) have a worse prognosis for recovery.

I said the same thing twice. Is this a false statement or is there some correlation?

SM

Good q -- I also wonder about that myself, lemonman

~A

LM, I can't really say. I don't think so. I started to say yes, but then I thought of several cases where the end of the affair did not come quickly after exposure and they have fully recovered marriages now. I just don't see a clear pattern with it because exposure effects different people so differently. Sorry I can't answer that better.

Why are you not considering Plan B? I missed that part.

Lemonman, you would seem to be confusing a physical disease (and prognosis for recovery, ala cancer) with a mental disease where recovery can be complete and dramatic once the cause of the mental problem is addressed and a successful therapy devised (no matter WHEN the therapy is undertaken). Unless the "disease" is organic, the "timeline" component you are suggesting is NOT necessarily applicable. I WOULD tend to agree in the case of serial cheaters, but short of that, I would look at it more along the realm of "kicking a habit" like smoking, or some other drug. Refusals, starts, stops, periods of success and periods of failure,....but try, try, again...if at first you don't succeed.

grovetuckyohio - I am not going to argue the "right or wrong" of No Contact, I am firm believer that it is necessary for a complete and successful recovery.

But I am going to use this situation to caution about issuing "ultimatums." NO ultimatum should be given UNLESS YOU are fully ready to implement the consequence that would be triggered should someone choose differently than what you are hoping for.

So now you are going to have to choose: 1)to ignore your ultimatum as "something said in the fit of the moment; 2) to implement a "pseudo divorce" which is Plan B; or 3) to proceed to a divorce.

IS your wife still in an affair, or is she in the common WS "mode" of the "affair is over, why can't we still be friends or have 'professional' contact?" YOU want her to "fall in love" with you NOW. So do most of us who have been the Betrayed Spouses, but it doesn't work that way. Falling "in love" takes time and happens AFTER each of you behaves in loving ways that puts the other's needs ahead of your own....much the same way that it happened when you first began dating.

Plan A is about changing YOU into a person that someone would WANT to "act in a loving way" toward. It is about improving YOU, regardless of whether or not your marriage is saved. It is intended to show you spouse that "the grass may actually be greener on the side that they 'temporarily left'."

As for the school situation, the UNIONS have undo influence, we all know that. But the school system is also and EMPLOYER. I'd like to see them hide behind "the Union" if the case were a case of "sexual harrassment," instead of consentual adultery. I also wonder if an attorney might consider filing a "sexual harrassment" suit on YOUR behalf against the school system, as well as an "alienation of affection" lawsuit" against the OM.

But before you think about those possibilities, be sure that you can live with a "hostile" reaction from your wife, because that would almost certainly happen.

God bless.

Sorry it's taken so long to respond.

Ashley88, you're comment, "When I told him that we can talk abt rebuilding our marriage only if OW is no longer in his life. WH answered that "if love comes with a condition, it's not love that I'm giving you, " sounds very similar to what my wife is saying. My WW says that I must not care about her if I want to cause her to pain and upset her life by "making" her change jobs. I told her that I'm not making her do anything, her affair caused this, I'm just trying to help restore our marriage.

I never did a plan b due to the fact that my attorney told me to not leave the home.

ForeverHers: I considered suing the OM, especially since my wife and I had finished the process to adopt another child weeks before the affair started. After the affair started, my wife stopped working on the adoption. I know he was aware about the adoption and I know he was aware that his actions would cause me suffering. This would be (at least) the second affair he has been involved in at work.

As for the ultimatum, I plan and planned on following through with it. I honestly was hoping that I wouldn't have to, but I don't see any way not to. That's the bad thing about making ultimatums, you're kind of stuck once you do. I honestly thought my WW would understand this and do everything in her power to keep this from happening.

My wife goes to see an IC today. I have no expectations that this will benefit our situation, but it would be nice if she came home saying she loved me and was sorry. LOL

The affair is over right now. I believe there hasn't been any contact over the summer, but I also believe that the OM and my wife's friend may still be in contact. I could find out for sure, but I'm a little tired of snooping and I'm not sure I see the point anymore.

That's part of the problem, my wife feels like I'm over-reacting now because the affair is over and yet I'm still telling her that I'm not over it and I need her to show me that she is committed to recovery. She felt like just being there and her not filing was enough.

We argue all of the time, it's not healthy and I think it might be spilling over to our daughter. I feel horrible that this is effecting her and I know my wife does too. Unfortunately she actually blames me for this.