[color:"brown"]You shouldn't be with someone who won't devote the necessary time to you. That is the reason for a lot of this thread.

Initially, he would come over my house one weeknight, I would go to his house one weeknight, and we would plan time together on weekends - Fri Sat Sun - most of it without the children.

We live 25 miles apart so this was about the best we could do and still maintain 2 households.

Then his work hours got cut back and he started taking piece work for more income and it cut into his evening time. Now he has a new job and the extra work is still ongoing and taking up all of his free time.

So essentially it is like most of us here experienced in our marriage where during a courting phase we met each others needs very well and then later let other things take precedence over time together.

On the surface it seems also like an abuse scenario, where the "abuser" "hooks" the "target" with a lot of attention and then later treats them badly - and then the scenario is played out again in cycles of honeymoon and abuse.

How do you know the difference? I think the only way is to confront the person with a boundary and then see if they respond or not.

I got out my patricia evans books this weekend and started to re-read controlling people. She also talks about the response to a boundaries and I was able to sort some things out.

BF and I had some longs talks and he is making immediate changes.

V.[/color]

"BF"? "is making some changes"? You are back together?

[color:"brown"]That's pretty much how it went down. During discussions on Sunday he first tried to tell me that I needed to tell him what I need - then he admitted that yes, I had been quietly asking for more time and he hadn't "listened".

We even talked about some rules of engagement, because he had sensed I was angry and then pushed me to talk about it after I asked for some time to sort things out and cool off. He realized that he had gotten lambasted by pushing me and we set up some Harley rules about giving space and time to cool off if needed. The other thing was my fault. Cutting him off so completely and suddenly really pushed all his panic buttons. Understanding that the talk would continue at a set time will allow him to give me time to think about my response and sooth his fears that I will just abandon him.[/color]



[color:"brown"]We are working through the Four Gifts of Love together and going to fill out EN & LB questionaires. He does own up to behaviors, admit to being wrong, and apologize. Three things my P/A ex never did.

V.[/color]

[color:"brown"]There is a major overhaul underway. He is on "probation".[/color]

[color:"brown"]Yes I do - because he doesn't give up and it seems like when there is conflict that we move in the right direction afterwards. I would have given up by now.

As for the companion thing - I waited 3 years to find this guy wiffty - he is another (rare) ENTP. Plus finding someone at my intelligence level - well let's just say that out of 100 candidates only 1 or 2 would make the cut. Which again agrees with your statement that I just don't want to let go - you are right it is difficult for me to find someone and even more difficult to leave something that feels right most of the time. (And now I am justifying <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I dunno - my neighbor said sometimes you just got to hit them with a 2x4 for them to "get" it.[/color]


[color:"brown"]When I was first dating him - I made myself keep every activity going and was never too available. I am financially independent and have never been one of those women that want her BF to come over and fix the plumbing, etc. - I'm actually better at that stuff than most men. Later, I dropped a couple of activities in order to make more time for the relationship.[/color]


[color:"brown"]Well did you go out with any women that admitted to stuff when they were called on it, but seemed unaware that they were doing it?[/color]


[color:"brown"]I spend time thinking about conversations after the fact to see where I might have made boundary errors - always trying to improve.[/color]


[color:"brown"]I agree.

V.[/color]

Well your recent posts add a couple more to the list of behaviors typical of child abuse survivors that it's time for you to fix.

One is the perception of scarcity. This is a typical anxiety mechanism. You're letting anxieties influence you into acting as though love is more scarce than it really is, and more necessary to your survival than it really is.

Another is that your definition of passive-agression needs some help, as is showing up in how you're playing the I-didn't-communicate-well-enough game. You're doing a good job of setting up a dynamic that can build and evolve quite nicely over time in which he gets to not "hear" what he doesn't feel like. You're both taking some steps against this one, and yet rationalizing letting it build at the same time. It's kind of freaky.

You know you don't have a picture of what "normal" is and you have a lot of confusion over where your boundaries should be. Don't you think it's time to sort that out before being involved with someone?

It's difficult for us to know exactly what you're doing. (obviously, since we're not there, and we only know what you tell us)

Either you DON'T communicate well-enough for him to know your needs, until you do something dramatic (pitch a fit, go silent, or something else manipulative)....

or....

you DO communicate well enough, and he really doesn't "hear", so when you say "bye", he twists the story all around.

Which is it?

[color:"brown"]Faith, I think it is both. I have trouble communicating my needs - especially since I terms of - is this a selfish demand or a reasonable request. I have to stop and sort that out first. Then when I do decide it is a reasonable request and make the request, he does not always take it as a serious thing. And this is something that's a "wait and see" because I don't often make requests, and as soon as he knows I'm serious he moves immediately to fill the request.

There is also another dynamic here - he is deaf in one ear. I think that a lot of times he pretends to hear people when he doesn't hear them. He doesn't do this to me often, but I think hearing is a secondary sort of stimuli for him.

He doesn't put spin on a story or twist it - he admits when he makes a mistake.

V.[/color]

[color:"brown"]I need to find that list - where is it?[/color]


[color:"brown"]Nah - I've left more men - never worried that I wouldn't find another one, or that I couldn't find another compatible one. I watched my mother struggle with this though. She thought that no one but my father would ever be as good to her. When he was good he was very good.

I did without a man many times many years - I don't need a man.[/color]


[color:"brown"]I think you have a point here - and maybe something worth keeping an eye on.

V.[/color]


[color:"brown"]Most of the issues I have left could not be sorted out without a relationship. How can you relate to an SO if you have no SO?

I don't have problems with public boundaries for work or anything. Only private ones, where the more the relationship becomes meaningful, the more blurred the boundaries become as intimacy develops and your emotions become more available.

V.[/color]

Sunnyva, you are all over the board with this issue. Reading back over this thread and the other one you posted about you fellow, you seem very confused. Why, after everything you have written about your relationship with this man are you giving him yet another chance? You aren't in a marriage, but only dating a man. Based on what you've written there has been way, way to much confict for so short a relationship. Last week you ended the relationship and wasn't having contact with him. Then you two had a heart-to-heart over the weekend. Is he really going to change (with actions, not words) or is he just feeding you what you want to hear the way you want to hear it. Didn't I read that they two have you have done this before?

This started out with him not doing what he should do and you having boundry issues that enabled his behavoir. While I see some capitulation on his part, I'm seeing much more of you shouldering the blame for the problems. Sorry, but this is sending up a major red flag for me. I can't help but wonder if you aren't being manipulated by this guy.

Sorry, dear, but I think this relationship has too many issues and is too much work for too little return. I can't see it ever being healthy. Are you clinging to it because there is really something about this man that is worth fighting for or are you just settling so that you won't be alone?