You will all be so proud of me.

I put my foot down today...

And?

And no doo-doo on the shoe? Right, Shul?

- Kimmy

H and I have run an emergency transient hostel for many years.

The other night, he showed up with a woman in tow.

She was about my age. Homeless, destitute, psychotic, emaciated etc. Teeth knocked out . Only the clothes on her back. shaking, twitching, bursting into hard weeping, rocking, every few minutes.

I looked at her and thought to myself, a man has done this to her.

It was very disturbing.

I couldn't help but wonder if this was where I was headed.


H has started working again, and was coming back out here (or at least to the house) every night. Not staying at ow's.

This seemed like a good thing.

Wrong.

Found out today that he was still talking to her. In fact he has been seeing her every day. In fact it seems she has been going along with him to work, most days.


So I woke him up in the middle of the night to talk about it. I asked him to be honest with me. At first he wouldn't talk, and he left in a huff.

But I went after him and we had it out. I told him that I have run out of patience,and that I don't know if we have a chance at a relationship, but that until ow is really gone from his life, and while he is still lying, there is no chance.

There was a scene, but out of it came some truth.

The upshot is, we are taking a break from each other.
HIm, ostensibly to clear ow adn other things out of his life, and me; to decide if I still want him in my life as a couple.

I feel so much better.

This was long overdue.

Oh, and since I was on a roll, I asked him to read 'Pats quickstart guide' thread.

To my surprise he did.

He says he agrees with it.



(regarding my sanity: all this time, all these years, all I had to do was put my foot down??????)

Once you let the truth out of the bag ... don't put it back ....

no more fantasy pseudo recovery

only the real thing is worth your time and effort

what he 'says' means --->[color:"white"] zilch [/color]

sniff out secrecy and bring it to the light

only then do you stand a chance

Shul - It is almost funny how you practically have to have a blow up for them to "get it". You probably missed my whole car thing, but my car got towed, I couldn't get it back, because my name wasn't on the registration.

When WH finally brought it back after 4 days, I had it out with him. I asked him why I couldn't get my own car, why after almost 3 years, we are still not divorced, etc. He finally knew I meant business. Either he is coming over tomorrow for a settlement agreement, or he is getting served. I'm done.

Shul, make your break from him indefinite until he shows he's ready to be a human being. If he's going to remain a creature driven by emotion and impulse, forget it.

"Taking a break from each other?" Why does he need a break from you? Nonsense! Stop accepting this burden for him.

Shul, I know what it means to be belligerent and prideful. I don't suggest any of that. Righteous indignation is not worthwhile for the seductive little power rush it brings.

As a kindness to him, you ought to say, "I will not allow you to diminish yourself by treating me poorly. I want you to be a good man, and I believe you have it in you, but you must create the occasion for it on your own."

You cannot be his training wheels, Shul. As long as you let him, he'll lean off to the side and drag you along on the pavement.

GC

It is something in me that has changed.

I think the defining moment was a few weeks ago, one night when he was being tender. I freaked out. I had no way of knowing if he was playing me or if he was being real. And knowing that he was still seeing her made it worse.

I realised that the only way I will ever know that he is being honest and real is if he is in a position where he has to do the work of reconciling.

And the only way for that to happen is for me to say 'enough'.

So I said it . And I meant it . And he knows it.

He didn't ask for a break from me- but he said he needs 30 days to clear up some things in his life, not only the ow, but other things that I can't live with. He said that if I don't want to see him he understands.

I am making a clean break for as long as it takes.

I told him that I won't go back to the way things were, and I can't go forward with him while he is lying and cheating and living a double life. There is no point.

I don't know if we can sort out our other issues, or even if I still want to . But I won't even consider it while he is still involved with someone else.


"...As a kindness to him, you ought to say, "I will not allow you to diminish yourself by treating me poorly. I want you to be a good man, and I believe you have it in you, but you must create the occasion for it on your own."

You cannot be his training wheels, Shul. As long as you let him, he'll lean off to the side and drag you along on the pavement...."

Yes. Very well put, GC. I will say just that.
The ball is in his court now.

Believer, yes. I felt very calm about it. I have been very gracious to him, but he took it as weakness. When I was firm with him, he seemed to take me seriously. I have spoiled him like a child, in a way. But he is not a child.

I am still so shocked that he read Pats thread.

I think there might be a chance for us.