My wife and I make love about 2 times a month. Sometimes going 2 months with nothing. We had a fight tonight about this. Obviously I'm desiring more and she's cool with less. She made a comment to me that I should go out and ask people how often they have sex...that I'd be surprised to see how little married couples have sex.

So...I'm asking. How often do you and your spouses make love?
thanks

To be honest, collecting this data can really only have 1 bad result.

IIRC, Dr. H's approach is that as both parties work to meet the EN's of the other, the SF will reach a state of acceptable equilibrium for both. As the lower-sex-drived spouse gets the lovebank full, they will want to meet their partners need, even if not driven to that level themselves, while the partner with the higher sex drive will tend to need less, as other EN's being met will keep the lovebank full.

However, given I can only see 1 bad result from this, I'm going to take a pass on answering. More than none, less than all the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Piercemin,

I'm having a similar problem with my wife, and have had similar discussions about frequency. I think she may have even said something to me as well about how married couples don't do it that often. You may want to check out my thread on this topic in the Emotional Needs section, entitled "Another H not geting his SN met."

I don't know if you know this but there are actually wives out there whose husbands don't want it as much as them -- do you believe that? (enter sarcasm here) Check out my thread also for some good insight from other women(very smart women I might add) on this site on how to get your W to want more.

What I have been slow to come around to (or just resistant to) is just forgetting about it and not letting it get to me, therefore I don't pressure her, initiate all the time, make overtures, etc., and ultimately turn her off. I have had the best success just playing it cool, like Fonzy (Pulp Fiction referance) all while trying to do the things that make her happy and don't piss her off/annoy her.

When she sees your not putting her on the spot, pressuring her, questioning why, she will begin to loosen up and I would venture to say, you'll get more this way than if you constantly make an issue out of it -- trust me, I've been where you are and I've tried the opposite -- it works.

Hope any of this and my other thread help.

PJ

I am a wife that does not get her SN met! He is the one that had the A, and he only had sex with the OW 2 times in 6 months (I verified w/OW)(3 times w/me in same period). He has always had less of a drive, especially when his weight is up. I think he sometimes uses sex to control and punish me, although I'm not sure it's intentional. He shuts me off when he is upset with me. It has gotten more frequent now that we are working on other issues in our relationship. I've learned that something is bothering him when he starts shutting me off.

Reduce the pressure but, I do caution you on playing too cool. I know that I am extremely attractive, but it still makes me feel ugly when my H ignores me. Perhaps if you could flirt (kiss, backrub, etc) but let her know there are no strings attached.

Hi fbwidow,

Sorry to hear about your troubles -- your H's A and lack of sex drive -- terrible combination <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good advice on not being too cool, but don't worry, I can't help but be affectionate -- it's just in my nature. But, I've learned when my wife wants to be left alone (although I sometimes ignore the signs), and learned to read the signs of when she may appreciate a backrub, a kiss or a hug, for example, as you suggest with no strings attached.

I am also trying to do these nice things (including compliments) at times when the likelyhood of it leading to sex is not possible. This way she does not feel any pressure that I will try to take it any further (sex!) and can just enjoy and apprecaite that there are no strings attached and that I am not hoping it will lead to sex.

But, I will be honest with you. As much as I try to be a good soldier about the lack of sex, it is tough not getting it, especially when you are married and you are doing everything in your power to be a good H and meet W's ENs.

Just venting.

Thanks for your advice,
PJ