Hello all. I have been posting on the emotional needs board for a little while. My H and I have been having problems for a while. There was emotional abandoment from my H for years, and he has issues with me, as well. I fell into the trap of being emotionally vulnerable and having someone else see that and begin flirting and evenutally letting me know he was interested in me. Initially our conversations revolved around him telling me how interested he was in me, how strong his feeling were for me, how gorgeous he thought I was, how special he thought I was, and I was at first responding by telling him that it wasn't right, that he was married and I was married and I could never cheat on my husband. He had our email address due to asking for it because he was one of our sons' baseball coaches, and he began emailing me with more of the same things, telling me my husband takes me for granted, that he desires to have a relationship with me because he thinks I am so special, etc. I again responded by telling him that he needed to think of his wife and I needed to think of my husband. This man had seen a huge fight between my husband and me where my DH locked me out of the house due to my coming home late and DH not knowing where I was, and I think this is when he made the decision to move in on me since he knew my marriage had issues. All that to say, I know in hindsight I should have just cut off the emails completely, but for some reason, I guess weakness on my part, I didn't, and he continued to point out the flaws in my marriage while telling me he thought I was the girl he had been waiting for all his life, and a bunch of other stuff that sounds horribly cliche now that I am on the outside looking in, but being in the situation, I was falling for it. OM suggested we get yahoo email accounts to communicate, and for about a week I refused because I felt like it was an escalation in the relationship, but I caved and signed up for one anyway. Again, my very poor choice, and I take responsibility for it. The emails became more sexy, and always flattering and saying thing about having "strong feelings for me" and stuff like that. He asked me to meet him just to talk about our feelings, and at first I said no, but I was an idiot and met him anyway. He told me my husband was a fool to treat someone like me the way he did, and that he (OM) would never treat someone as special as me like that. He also said he could see me being by his side for a long time. One meeting led to another (there haven't been many, but one was too much, I know) and eventually there was physical contact after having lunch one day. At this point OM is telling me he is in love with me, wants to marry me, and is going to leave his wife to do that. I don't know why I was able to fall for all that garbage, but I did, and continued to email and have the occasional meeting with him. This man told me he loved me every chance he got, saying he had never been in love before now that he met me and saw what real love was. God, I feel like such a fool being able to fall for all that. How could I make such foolish choices? All through this time period, I was torn up inside because my DH and I had been having serious problems, and we were seeing a counselor, but I guess I can't say I gave the counselor my best effort since I was involved with someone else part of the way through it. I was never at ease with what I was doing, going from a size 6 to a size 2 due to being unable to eat much due to the stress and guilt I was feeling, and alos having to go on anti-anxiety meds to help me cope with the feelings of being out of control. And yet, I was unable/unwilling to break it off, even though I told OM I was not okay with what I was doing and was wracked with guilt about it all. I had been feeling very emotionally seperated from my H before all this happened due to his lack of emotional support throughout the years, and I had been considering divorce, so maybe that's what made me vulnerable to this OM's attention. My DH installed spyware on the computer and intercepted a couple emails this morning between me and other man. D Day is not fun for anyone, especially not my DH. Although I wish I would have broken it off and my Dh wouldn't have had to find out like this, I am glad it has come out because now it is over. I felt like I was in love with this OM, but now that I have been forced to step back from the situation, I have see that I really was not. I had been feeling out of love with my H for quite some time, and the strange thing is, seeing the hurt that I have caused him and facing the reality that I could lose him has made me see that I do still very much love him. Right now he is very angry at me, devastated, and justifiably so, and making no bones about that. I am trying to just sit back and take it because I know I deserve it. I just want to know what I can do now. I am so very sorry for what I have done. Not sorry for getting caught, but sorry for what I have done. I don;t know how I allowed myself to be in that situation, but I did, and I can't take it back, but I desperately want to save my marriage. I don;t want to lose my husband or my family, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to try to save them. My H is so angry right now that he doesn't really want to listen to anything I have to say, and I know he really doesn't owe me anything, but I do want to do something, and I just don't know what to do. I have told him I love him and I'll do anything at all to try to make this up to him, and that I want to do anything and everything to save our marriage. I was a fool, what I did was inexcusable, and I know I can never take it away, but what do I do now to help make it better? How do I help start our marriage on the road to recovery?

Contact with OM has been ended. i actually talked to his wife and told her how sorry I was and that I would not try to contact her husband again, and I meant it. I will not contact him at all. to I am ashamed of my relationship with him. When I was in it, it felt like love, he told me he wanted me to be his wife, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but now two steps back from it, I only feel love for my husband, and I see that I never really was in love with OM, even if it felt like it at the time. OM is going to try to save his marriage, and I truly hope he does, but I think he might still try to contact me, and if he does, I will give full disclosure to my DH, and under no circumstances wll I go anywhere to meet with OM.

What more can I do right now? Help!!!!!

Take a deep breath...

You're in panic mode right now. You've been hit by a tidal wave of icy water and woke up out of your fantasy. You're experiencing MASSIVE guilt and that's driving you at this point. But that will eventually subside...then you'll need to screw your courage to the sticking place...

Some things that will help your H right off the bat...

1) Immediate no contact and complete transparency...you'll find this is easier said than done so you need to agree to some kind of accountability system that HE has the keys to. My wife has the password to ALL of my email and voicemail. I make a point to call from landlines if I'm out so she can see the caller-ID. IF you are serious about saving your marriage, you have to forfeit ALL of your privacy. It can be hard, especially if you're used to being an independent person. It will feel like he is controlling you, but it's not control.

2) HONESTY - Come to an agreement about how you will tell him what he needs to know. This isn't as simple as some might think. If T-D asks you to "tell me everything" he may not be prepared for everything. My wife and I agree that her questions would be specific and less open ended. I agreed that I would answer forthrightly and completely. We agreed that I would not volunteer information that she doesn't ask for. I have been surprised by what she HASN'T asked for.

3) Withdrawal will be VERY hard for you and the OM. You talk like you think it's going to be easy...it won't be. It may take weeks, even months. I would recommend that you immediately see a psychiatrist and for counseling and anti-d's. I wish I had done this sooner. You're desire for contact is about YOU, and the counselor can give you some tools to manage it. Be careful sharing your feeling of withdrawal with T-D or relying on him as would a counselor. He can't do this objectively.

4) You both may be more open to talking about what went wrong in your marriage before the affair. That's ultimately what you must repair to move forward. Be aware that you can ONLY fix you...T-D must fix himself. Neither of you can hold the other hostage.

Make no mistake. Your old marriage is dead. I suspect it was close to it even before your affair, but the affair was a stake in the heart. At this point, you and T-D have to decide if it's worth rebuilding a NEW relationship. What are you both willing to offer? BOTH of you must offer HOPE to the other, as difficult as that may be, because HOPE that it will be better is about all you have going for you right now.

Keep posting her. A lot of us have been where you are. Good luck

Low

**Deleted by LM after futher thought***

Goodluck to the orinial poster.

BT,

LM is right - what you've posted is very common on this board. What is refreshing is that you are willing to take responsibility for your mistakes right away. Many of the WSs we read about are on the fence about who they want to be with.

Are you still in counseling? You'll want to tell your counselor about the affair too. Interestingly we were discussing on another thread, how common it is that people lie to their MC.

Have you read the basic concepts on this website? Also download the EN & LB Questionnaires and fill them out. Then download another set and fill them out as though you were your husband. It's a great exercise in empathy, to help you understand how your husband must be feeling.]

My very best advice is to contact Steve Harley via the counseling link on this website, and have him coach you through a personal recovery plan.

You've said the "magical phrase" that indicates your willingness to save your marriage. You said "I'll do whatever it takes".

If you mean it, you should be fine - especially if you're willing to do the work.

Start with the questionnaires - you'll gain good insight from yourself. My husband and I have been in recovery for 3 years - and we have a better marriage now than we had prior to the affair. He was the WS, and although recovery was very hard - we wanted to give ourselves the chance to save our family.

Hello,

It seems that you are very remorseful to your husband which is very positive. You have contacted the OM's wife and have been honest which is also very positive. I would strongly suggest that you get tested for STD's. I know that sounds embarrassing but it certainly should be done since you put yourself and your husband at health risk. Show the results to your husband which will be painful but is a positive step. Keep telling your husband that you do truly love him and touch and hug him. I wish you luck.

BT, I just want you to know that I am NOT, repeat NOT going to take sides...I want to help you both save your M...One of which DESERVES to be saved...PLEASE talk to me! You can email me or call me! I know you are hurting now and so is C. I will not reply to you again...I have a hard time even reading the threads, as I did not even read this one...but I want you to know that I will be here if you or C needs me...

love you

Kandi, do you know these people?

Susan

[color:"blue"] Believer, I posted a message to YOU on this lady's thread on EN board.

Believer .... the point is ---> you trust your instincts woman! You were absolutely correct about this poster. [/color]

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I am with you Sour

Yes, I do susan...I have known these people their entire marriage...granted I have not been around them for the majority of their marriage, but it was a good marriage all the times I have seen them...As was mine and Ed's...

TD called me for support, I immediately thought affair on the W part...however he did not want to accept that...

There is absolutely NO REASON why I cannot offer my support to these people as would ANY friend of the marriage...so do not tell me to stay out of their business....If they call me, I will be there for them...if they want me to Foff, i wll...right now, TD is reaching out for support...I WILL support him...

I KNOW what he is going thru! I feel so sick about this...

(besides the fact that you do not need to be supporting any male at this point in your life)


There IS a reason. I posted to you on the other board.

Hold on to your own life raft.

That is more than enough reason. You don't need more drama. Your boys do not need this. Give your time and energy to you and your boys.

Susan

m2,

I agree with Susan. Be careful not to get 'emotionally' involved with TD. The last thing he needs right now is a female shoulder to cry on.

I don't mean to insinuate anything but neither of you is emotionally healthy at this time. As much as you want to help a 'friend' in need, your involvement should be cautiously limited.

jmo

Kandi, tell him to come over to this board, please. He can just post a duplicate thread over here.

OK, let me clarify a few things here! First, they live in the Midwest...I live in the way south...so there is NO chance that I would even be able to get involved with this man...Second, I love BT as a sister, she IS a good woman, she made a mistake! I would NEVER EVER get involved with a friends H even in an EA! I am a lot stronger NOW than I was even a month ago...

I have tried to reach out to BT, but she did not want my help...and I understand that...I cut my friends off as well and relied strictly on this board...BIG MISTAKE! I would encourage BT to keep your friends as a support...if not ME, then others...

As far as talking to TD, I will talk to him and support him as well as the W...my H is also talking to him, I think...as much as we all think Dad is gone, he can still be there for an old friend and I think he can offer some good advice if TD wants it...TD and Ed used to be great friends...but time and miles has come between us all!

NOW, as far as TD posting here in GQII, I did encourage him to do so way back when...he posted and only ONE person replied to him...who was that? ME!!! NO ONE else replied to him....

I have asked several of my friends from this board to offer him advice, some did some didn't...

I also dont think TD is the monster he has portrayed himself to be...He is taking 100% blame for this...He is NOT verablly and emotionally abusive...He is a better H than mine ever was in my eyes...HOWEVER, I do not live with them and I do not see what goes on behind closed doors

I remember when this all started...BT sent me many emails saying how sorry she and TD were about it and how they both cried when they saw Dr. Phil...I still have those emails..I cried all night the first night I spoke to TD...BT asked TD not to call me anymore and he respected her wishes, as I respected them as well and have not called him either...

These people are good people...I know them personally and have been there with them..We went thru two pregnancies together...I was there for their first sons birth...We travelled the world together...This kills me!
I

I will not offer any of my advice if they wish me not to...Icant even read the threads...I am asking all my friends on here to please help BOTH of them if you can...they are good people..and TD is not the man he is portraying himself to be..he is a kindhearted person....a good H...a good father...

I think in a marriage, we all take it for granted at some point...just as dad and I got too comfortable in ours, so did they...they took the love for granted...they have both made mistakes...lets try to help them instead of putting blame on them...

thank you...i will leave now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Kandi ... having an hours long private phone conversation with a married man (wife only found out by looking at phone records) to discuss his feelings and their marriage problems is a 'no no' .... and you know it.

BreakingThread,

No one is excusing your H's issues to the marriage that contributed to the marital environment where an affair [by either of you] became possible.

Like LowOrbit said, right now you are in panic mode and the problem is that your words do not have any value, for just 2 days ago you were stating:


And now:


What can you do?

First, try to get a grip on your emotions. Your emotions have and will continue to lead you down the wrong path when it comes to making wise decisions. Begging, telling him you'll change sound so fake to him considering the above so please stop it. Instead try to express you remorse to him for your affair without trying to pressure him to stay married to you.

Second, try to validate his words even if you vehemently disagree with them. He is venting and the worst thing you can do is to argue or justify yourself. For if you do, you will be invalidating his feelings and risking him permanently closing to you the door to his heart. Though DO NOT allow or tolerate ANY physical abuse from him towards you. Affair or no, there is no excuse for hitting one's spouse.

Third, if saving/rebuilding your marriage is truly what you want, then you will have to acknowledge in both your mind and heart that it is going to take up to 2 years or more for both personal and marital recoveries. Patience and understanding [even if its one sided] will be the keys to making it, there are no substitutes. Always keep in mind that both recoveries are one-day-at-a-time processes that cannot and should not be rushed. Both of you have a long road ahead and becoming obsessed with the distance you both must travel will only cause you hopelesness and despair. So one day at a time, ok?

TMCM

You are right it is a no no...I dont recall it being an hour long though...but it may have been...I dont know...I have only talked to this man two times...I have not talked to him again...

the "HOUR" long convo was when he first old me about this and I was TRYING to reassure him and encourage him to continue posting here...I dont even recall what we talked about, but I assure you, it was not any intimate details or anything...it was about how he thought he has done such a horrible job in his marriage, etc...we spoke about my divorce a bit and how I am doing...we spoke about old times we shared in Germany...

it was not an intimate converstaion...I assure you! I dont want to abandon these people when they need help so badly!

anway, I am off now..dad is here to pick up kids...

If anyone else has a problem with me, plese start a new thread instead of TJ this one any further! Thanks

IMO this is evidence that you are over emotionally involved.



If you want to support them, the best thing you could do is let them work it out in their own way.

I would have a BIG problem if my H. looked to another woman for support.

If you really want to be of help, you would not put yourself in the position of creating a wedge between them.

Susan

I can tell you from experience that inappropriate relationships do not start out with intimate conversation.

Susan

So what advice can you give BT who is really the one crying for help?

TMCM