Breaking Thread and Tired Dad-

Your story has truly hit home with us...sounds a lot like our story...our Dday was 04-26-2005 we are in recovery and so glad for it...if there is anything that we can offer either of you we are here...WW is 36, BH is 38, so we are in your age range etc...we also are in the Midwest(Michigan)...we are praying for your family, please don't hesitate to ask us any questions(we are new to this too, but we can empathize and show you that saving your marriage is possible if you want to-we are more than determined about ours <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )...we'd be glad to offer you private email addresses or phone numbers and talk to you as one couple to another...

God Bless You Both,

J & J (aka Mr. & Mrs. WWWondering)

I cant! I have not walked in her shoes..I can be there to hear her and support her!

I spoke to BOTH of them today...they were both standing right next to each other when they called me...I just listened to them...I offered some advice and told W to go get two copies of Surviving an Affair.

TD is very angry..as is to be expected...he is scared...she is scared...

that is all I will say for now...I am going to keep in touch with BT cuz she needs a friend...she is truly sorry for what she has done...

I have heard many people say "screw her" she did the deed...YES, she did...HOWEVER, I believe in my own heart that she is truly sorry...

that is all I will say...if they want to come back for support that is up to them...

I can ASSURE EVERYONE on this board that I will NOT get involved with this man with an EA! His wife feels comfortable with me speaking to him, so I will if he wants the help...I am not so sure how much help my own H can offer him, but he is there for C if he wants the help!

Anyway, just wanted to let everyone know that they are OK for now...they are going thru what we all go thru at dday...so you can only imagine...

I would NOT encourage them to post over in EN's anymore...I would encourage A to post here...please help her guys...she IS a good person and so is HE...even though he portrays himself to be the devil incarnate...he is NOT...

thank you!!

MF4M-

Please let your friends know that my husband and I can see both sides of their story so clearly and with non judgement. We will be here to help them in any way that we can. I don't know if it might help them at all to know that reading their story helped my husband and I along in our own recovery(pass it on if you think it might)...reading the stories of others often helps open up communication...please tell them thank you for this. We will be praying for their family and wishing for them "the peace that passes understanding"...

Best,

The WWWonderings

MF4M":

I am gonna say this to you once (because I like you), but for the love of God, get out of this situation. You will only make this work against you in the end, and will be resented by one, or both of these folks. Your involvment, although I am sure meant with only great intentions is a disaster waiting to happen.

Consider yourself warned my good friend.

Sourmale

I find it a little ironic that while folks who post mainly on EN do encourage posters to post here once an affair is revealed, quite the opposite is reflected above. I think the segregation was meant for sorting topics as an aid to new posters. Rest assured, long-time EN-ers are well versed in Harley's concepts, including Plans A and B, and several of us have experience w/infidelity...from both BS and WS standpoints...and we either recovered well or we offer the benefit of hindsight now. In short, I don't believe there's any good reason to DIScourage the use of any other section of the board...it's all MB. Besides, aren't most of us just a bunch of well-meaning laymen? The negative flukes can occur in any section, even here.


First order of business...it would be helpful if he did stop portraying himself to be the devil incarnate, wouldn't you agree? Stands to reason if he is harsh with us he's not communicating well with his W either. I can easily understand the painful feelings on both sides. It is devastating. However, in the business world, saying "I'm feeling really REALLY angry with you people" is gonna get someone farther than "KISS MY *SS" which pretty much guarantees getting fired. Should more caution be utilized in a business situation than in learning how to thrive in a marriage? If so, why just there, we're ultimately talking LIFE skills. I'd truly like to see this couple recover. Avoiding LB's and learning good communication skills is a critical part of saving their marriage.

I agree with lemonman's post. I fear you're losing your objectivity due to knowing this couple. So be their friend, post to them here on the board - but attempts to steer a poster away from those calling him on his errors, and making excuses for downright rude displays is NOT helping anyone...when they both need it the most.

BT -- I will encourage you to reread TMCM's post. I think it is excellent advice, particularly:

What can you do?


Lots of deep breathing, it will help to settle the waves of panic. Drink lots of water too! Hang in there, I really feel for both of you during this rough time.

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied to my post. I do not know why mt old thread last year about my friend was having an affair is back up. I did not put it there. I can only say that at that time I was sincere in my efforts to get her to see what she was doing, and now it's what, a year later and I find my marriage trying ro recover from the same situation. Unfortunately, when she was caught by her husband, she did not break off the affair, but continued it, divorced her husband, and is now in an unhappy relationship with the OM. I have broken off all contact, and want to save my marriage and try to help heal this hurt I have causes so many people. I have been telling my DH how sorry I am, and I have apologized to his family and mine for the pain I am causing them. I am doing whatever I can to be accountable to my DH because I know it's going to be a long time until he can begin to trust me again. I am going to Barnes and Noble today while he golfs, and my mother is going to come along with me and the kids to ease his fears about my whereabouts. He has to go back to work tomorrow and is very concerned, and considering I can't say I blame him at all, about what will happen while he is at work. I can only say that I want to save my marriage and keep my family together, and I hope that OM's family can stay together, too, and I have absolutley no intention whatsoever of getting in touch with him in any way. My DH has spyware on the computer, he has all my email passwords, he has the secret cell phone and the voicemail password, and he has access to my regular cell phone's records at any time. I will have all 3 of our kids (10, 7, 2 1/2) with me at all times, and have offered to call him throughout the day if he wants me to, as well as offered to go sit with family all day while he's gone if that's what he wants me to. Is there anything else I can do to give him some more peace of mind?

MF4M is a good friend and she is being fair to both me and my DH. During our conversation with her last night she was impartial and fair to both of us, and she sincerely wants to see us work through this. She has known us for almost 12 years, and I thank her for her support right now. It was greatly appreciated that she could be so kind and caring to me after what Ed has done to her. Thank you, Kandi.

WWWondering,
Thank you so much for your kind posts. I would be interested in hearing your story and being in contact with you via email to get any help/advice you might have to offer us. How to we go about doing that?

It is back up because I brought it back up ... when trying to decide what to think about your current situation here....

On July 25th .... less than a week ago, you said this when posting about your husband's lack of honesty

"He seems to have a way of omitting important details about our interactions."

.... then "oops" ... it is discovered you have been doing some serious detail omitting yourownself

I was wondering if you care to discuss your state of mind when you wrote this.

My purpose for offering you this opportunity to explore your own dishonesty is ---> come clean to yourself about your own motives.

This knowledge is more important than fixing your marriage right now.

You cannot restore your marriage until you restore your own integrity.

Start here ... work it through why you chose to attack your husband's level of honesty while sitting on a huge ugly secret yourself.

This is OPPORTUNITY ... do not be afraid to ask yourself the really HARD questions.

That is how you get from here ---> liar ... to here ---> self-esteem/integrity ... to here ---> marriage recovery candidate

You cannot go from here ---> liar ... directly to here ---> marriage recovery candidate.

Do not skip the painful life lessons that will build your self esteem.

God bless.

To appear to desire honesty in a marriage .... is common ....

To be willing to suffer the pangs of honesty in a marriage ... is not so common...

decide what you want

the appearance of honesty

or

the reality and the suffering that actual honesty brings

Hi BT,

You guys can reach us at this email address

the_wonderings@yahoo.com

Hope today has had some peace for both of you...Talk to you soon...

Once again I am shocked that just a year ago I was trying to help a friend stop her affair, and now I find myself just being discovered and starting the roller coaster ride that follows. My friend never borke it off with OM, and she is now living with him after divorcing her H. As far as what I posted on T_D's thread, the things I posted about the issued I have with him are honest. During the past weeks, I truly did hope to see a serious change in T_D's behavior pattern. I thought that if I did it would enable me to break off the affair and return to committ to the marriage, even though now looking back I doubt it would have made a difference as I was so deeply entrenched in it. When T_D would behave in the same way I had serious issues with, in my warped mind at the time, it allowed me to justify what there is no justfication for: My affair. It's amazing how my eyes are opened wider in the past 48 hours then they have been in a very long time. The possibility of losing T_D and putting my children through the pain of divorce has made me see just how selfish my actionswere, and made it crystal clear to me that I desire greatly to save my marriage to T_D. I am thankful that T_D has given me these past 2 days without filing for divorce or asking me to leave. I am thankful that there may still be a chance to save our marriage, and then to make it better. I am willing to do whatever he wants in order to rebuild his trust. I am doing what I should have done before the temptation of the affair got so great: seeking out Godly advice and Godly people, praying for God's giudance and strength, and being thankful for each moment I have with my family and marriage still intact. I have been a lying and deceitful person. I was the person I never thought I could ever become. I cannot believe I did the things I did. I am ashamed and repentent. I went into a Christian bookstore today to get Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair" and the young man at the counter asked if the book was for me. I replied that it was, and he said I was gonna need God to get through it, that his mom had been cheated on, but she made it through it. I replied to him that I was the one who had the affair, and I knew that my reliance on God was crucial to anywhere I go from here. He was shocked to hear me say that, but then pointed me to a couple more books he thought would be useful. I also spoke to one of our pastors today for more than an hour and was completely honest in what I have done and where I hope to go from here.

People keep saying I am in "panic mode." I'm not sure what that means, but I can tell you this. Do I feel panicky at times? Absolutely!! I do not want to lose my husband and have my family break up because of my mistake. That does sometimes cause me to feel panicky. But I can also tell you this: There are also times of feeling very calm, and more rational than I have in weeks, and in those times I am the most sure of what I want, and that is to somehow rebuild the trust I tore apart from my husband, to keep our family together, and to rebuild our marriage into something better than it has ever been. ANy and all critcisms, suggestions, and advice are welcome. Thanks again for reading if you got this far.

You cannot skip steps.

Earning your husband's trust will take years and comes back in small incriments.

The steps in trust-building look like this:

1. Trust in God ... that being obedient to Him will be your only reward for awhile. When you feel weak or frightened, fall into God's Grace and stay there until you are able to begin again. This cycle will repeat. And if you lose patience, or lose hope or feel especially anxious ... that means you have wandered away from God's Grace. So return there when you notice those warning signs. Understand?

2. Trust in yourself. This means discovering your strengths that will get you through this. Trusting yourself means you cannot control the eventual outcome of this crisis, but you trust yourself to get through this with your mind and soul intact. Trust yourself to weather the inevitable pain and survive.

3. Trust your husband to do the best he can at any given time. Trust your husband to manage his own recovery with your love and support ... but it is his to manage, not yours.

4. Trust that your husband will trust you when he is ready, not when you want him to.

There you go ... baby steps.

Bless you.

Thank you, Pepperband. I truly appreciate your frank responses and do know that no matter what, trusting in God's grace will get me through this. I am just desiring so much to try to begin to make things up to my husband, that I think I get pushy sometimes. It's not my intention to be pushy, but only to try to convey my sincerity in my desire to be once again a faithful wife.
I know that I cannot make him feel/do/say things that he is not ready to, no matter how hard I try or how much I may want him to. I have devastated him, and I know that I have a very long road to walk for recovery from what I've done. I only pray that he is walking there beside me.
BT

LOL

I did not think or say you are pushy ... only unrealistic ... very common, I assure you.

What small step can you do today ... as in step 1 level trust ?

.... remember, you cannot leap to the end steps ... it is a process.

"What small step can you do today ... as in step 1 level trust ?"

I'm honestly not sure what to do, but I can tell you that T_D was golfing with my father and brother today, and I wanted to go to a mall about 40 minutes away to get Dr. Harley's books. I had all three kids with me, but I could still see how T_D might have thought of me trying to connect with OM, so I asked him if he would like it if I asked my mom to ride with me and the kids. He said he would appreciate that, and my mom did accompany me. I guess that's a small step. He has spyware on the computer, and I guess every day I don't try to contact OM via email be a small step.

Wrong answer ... what small step can you make today to strengthen your trust in GOD?

Remember .. step 1 comes first.

hint ... some of us do this on our knees ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

BT, listen to PEP, she is very wise...

T/J...sorry...Pep, did you get my vmessage?

You dirty woman Pep.......spoken like a true RN. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

SM

OMG! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />