BT,

I think the one thing that most wayward spouses don't realize is that the betrayal while being with another person is also in the lies you told your H and how treated and deceived him. That is the part that you need to consider. You cannot make up to your H what you have done, and you cannot heal him,but you can help him heal.

Face the things you have said to him and the ways you have decieved him. Of all of the things that hurt, you might be surprised that these are the things that hurt the most.

AND...listen to Pep's advice. There is no way to speed through this for either of you. Plan on it taking years to recover from.

God Bless,

JL

PS: It was a good idea to invite your Mom on the trip and take the kids.

BT, what is teh plan for today? remember ONE DAY AT A TIME and sometimes ONE MINUTE at a time!

ANother day with my H, and I am so thankful for it.

Yesterday I took the kids down to the hospital where he works and we all ate lunch together. It felt so nice, but yet made me very sad at the same time. We haven't done anything as simple as that as a family for a couple months, and that is MY fault because of what I allowed to happen. But still, it gave me hope. My H introduced me to several collegues of his that I had not met before. He showed me affection, he walked us all out to the truck and watched as as we pulled away. I find it incredible that after what I have done to him, he can still be so kind to me. Yesterday I also contacted a Christian friend from church. I just felt a real need to share with her what I had done. God must be at work here, as when I told her about what I had done and told her I knew she would help me without judging me, she said that not only would she not judge me, but she has been where I am now. I know she's going to be a valuable tool in our recovery and a huge help to me in dealing with all the aspects of what I have done. I also made a MC appt. at a Christian Counseling center. They can't get us in until next week, but I am going to try to get us another appt. with one of our pastors in the meantime. I asked me H if he would go out to dinner with me sometime this week, and he said he would. I am looking forward to that. I am feeling a few pangs of withdrawal, and I hate that I am. I am so ashamed of what I have done, that I had hoped the shame would take away any other feelings about the affair. I guess since there was an emotional attachment to OM, it is normal to feel some of this, but I would give anything to make it go away. I will not contact him. I love my husband, want to keep my family together, and pray that OM's family can stay together, too. I also know that OM is not in any way a Godly man, and even if my marriage were not to make it, I would not go back to OM. I am trying to keep myself busy, focusing on my children, and also reminding myself of the negative things about OM. I also think thoughts of my DH when thoughts of OM enter my head. The withdrawal is not terrible, but when those feelings do hit, it is definitely not pleasant. I have been praying a lot, asking God for strength, and HE has been providing it. I feel like I can't talk to my DH about those feelings when they hit because I am ashamed they are even there, and because I don't want to cause him anymore pain. I know they will fade, and I feel like it won't take that long since my DH is showing me affection and I am showing him affection, and those false feelings I had for OM will be replaced by the true ones between my H and me.
We live in a very small town, and the chance of running into OM or his wife is great. I have expressed to my H the desire to move. We have been wanting to move out into the country anyway, and I now think that would be the absolute best for everyone. I want to enroll the kids in private Christian school ( we have been wanting to do that, too) and then we will have the freedom to move anywhere in the county because the school is county wide.
My H must love me an awful lot to be so kind and caring to me. I am a very lucky woman in that, and I pray that 5 years from now, our marriage will be better and stronger than it ever has been.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

This is a journey of challenging ups and downs ...

there will be days you want to do nothing more than hide.... there will be days you are lifted up so high emotionally that you think you can fly

expect and accept BOTH as part of the process

best of luck and blessings

Keep this up.


Want to start showing more respect for your H?

ASK HIM if he wants you to use him for this support.

Take him at his word, whatever the answer may be.

If you want to do some trust-building ... you have to start here.

Being open and honest ... and sharing unpleasant things ... if your H says he is ready.

Sharing your feelings with your H will also build intimacy.... you already knew this.

But when he says he doesn't want to hear anymore...respect his wishes and leave it at that...do not assume he wants to hear details...and if he wants to hear details...do not hide them from him...be truthful at al times...I think you are doing great!

Breaking,

I've been following this thread and I wanted to tell you that I hope the best for you and T_D. Your last post almost made me cry (and that isn't that easy). To see you very remorseful and to hear that Tired is standing strong through this is truly touching.


Symphony

Pep,
I am afraid to share my withdrawal feelings with my H. I woke up this morning early (about 4 a.m.) and saw he wasn't in bed. I was feeling panicky and went downstairs to see what H was doing. He had been up for hours, unable to sleep. I sat down with him and held his hand. He told me some of his concerns, and mentioned OM. I told him that as ashamed as I am of what I've done, and as much as I truly want to save our marriage, I can't seem to help having some feelings of withdrawal from OM, and that it is an absolutely horrible feeling for so many reasons (I do NOT want to miss someone who helped me almost break up my marriage) but they are there sometimes due to the emotional attachment I formed with OM. I reassured him that I was in no way going to contact OM, but that these feelings were something I was going to have to work through. His response was "so you're sitting here telling ME you miss your BOYFRIEND?" That pretty much told me I cannot talk to him about those feelings, and that makes me feel very alone. I told him it wasn't that I missed him, it was that an emotional bond had been abruptly severed it would take some time, and I hope not long, to get over that. I HATE that I sometimes feel this way. It's a horrible feeling, although I'm sure it doesn't even come close to how horrible my H feels.......

Trust starts right there. In the wee hours of the morning.

ASK HIM how much he wants to know.

AND tell him you can only be open if it is safe ... ask him when it is safe for you to be open.

It may be weeks or months away. You have both been emotionally isolated from each other for a very long time. This will be slow. But be persistant. Keep asking when it is safe for you to open up.

AND ... the flip side of this is .... you need to make yourself a safe place for HIM to open up and share the deepest of his wounds. You will not like this at all. Intimacy at this level takes guts. It will feel like a slap listening to how devestated he is. This is when a really good MC is necessary.

You call your church friend until that time and share with her.

BT,

I spent quite a lot of time encouraging your husband to keep working at your marriage, to keep going even though his efforts appeared to make no headway at all. I was always perplexed at how cold and indifferent you seemed to be, and at one point asked T_D if it was possible you were having an affair.

I just got back from vacation and have been reading T_D's threads and your threads. I have to say that, although I was very surprised to see all this, T_D's experiences make a lot more sense now that I see you DID have an affair.

I felt a kinship with T_D because his situation appeared similar to my own - a few months ago, I found out (by snooping at her secret e-mail account) that MY wife wanted a divorce, and had been unhappy for ten years. Luckily, my situation turned completely around within days, as I made some radical changes in my own life to accomodate her, and she was willing to accept them. I know she was tempted to have an affair with an ex-boyfriend of hers, and I thank God every day that she refused to do that, because I don't think she would have been willing to stay with me otherwise.

I'm glad to see that you appear committed to no contact with your OM, and that you appear to be very remorseful - and that you desire to save your M. That desire never seemed to be there before, when T_D would describe your MC sessions. I don't have any idea what your future holds - T_D seems to be pretty angry, and after what he's been through for the past few months, I don't blame him one bit - he has every right to be. I've been praying for the both of you, though, for the past couple of months and I will continue to do so - that you both have the wisdom to see what the right course of action is, and that you both have the resolve and the strength to follow it.

Good luck, and I mean that sincerely.

Well, we're still hanging in there. Yesterday was a very hard day for both of us. DH had a very hard time at work, and I had a very hard time at home. My anxiety is at an all-time high. I called up a dear Christian friend from church, who happens to have gone through this, and asked her if I could come over for a little while because I needed some support. She was very kind and helpfu;. I only wish I had turned to people like her before my affair. I don't know if it's withdrawal or just the emotional roller coaster you ride in this situation, but I feel constantly anxious, having to fight off panic attacks. My anxiety was peaking yesterday evening, and DH had some errands to run before coming home from work, which made it worse. I have never been so happy to see someone in my life when he walked in the door. I just started sobbing and he gave me a big hug and instantly I started to feel better.
I do have a concern, though. DH is an obsessive type. I understand that it is normal for a BS to obsess about certain thoughts when an affair happens. My H is obsessing about things he could let go of, though. He has the password to my affair email account and there are a couple emails from OM in it. Instead of deleting them, he continues to read them over and over. I also had the typical secret cell phone of a WS. He has that, along with the voice mail password. There are a handful of voicemails on there from OM, as well as my greeting to him, and again, my H keeps listening to them instead of getting rid of them. In my opinion, these are tangible things that H could get rid of. I feel that his hanging on to them is only harmful to him, and I have been really encouraging him to get rid of those things, as there are enough non-tangible things he has to deal with that won't be so easy to get rid of.
Yesterday was a very tough day, but we made it through. Maybe today will be a little better. With God's help and guidance, I know we can make it through this whole ordeal.

BT, he needs to do what he needs to do in order to recover and probably is the best judge of what that constitutes. I wouldn't pressure him in any way to get rid of those messages. He is trying to come to terms with them so he can move on. Let him decide when the time is right to delete them, since he knows best.

This sounds like exactly what I did with the emails I discovered in my wife's secret account. She talked about how much she couldn't stand me and how much she wanted a divorce, and in particular I re-read over and over the emails she sent to her ex-boyfriend, the one who wanted to have an affair with her. (Although she didn't have an affair with him, her relationship was inappropriate and skirted close to the edge.)

I think T_D is going to need to come to terms with what happened, with what you did to him, and you need to respect that process. You cannot judge whether or not he should read these emails or delete them, he has to be the one to make that decision.

I'm not trying to judge what he should do or decide for him. I know it's his healing process and he needs to do it in the way that's best for him. I only know his personality, and he is very obsessive. That is my concern with these tangible things. I only suggested that he try to get rid the things that would be easiest to get rid of at this point. I do know it's his decision, though.

BT, my point is that he knows himself, too, and he is probably the best judge of what he needs to do to heal. I wouldn't interfere in that.