I'm kind of clueless as I haven't dated since I was 19 and even then I'm not sure you could call what I was doing -"dating" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm beginning to think "adults" treat dating kind of like a job interview. What's up with that? I thought dating was about love, passion, and romance? Those are the things I'm after if I ever find Miss Right (or should I say Ms.?).

I don't know what Ms. Right is like but I expect there will be instant mutual passion. Not this pursue and chase game. She will be someone that after meeting a few times we can't keep our hands off one another. Not someone that we exhange IQ tests at our first date. I don't have a long list of requirements other than we have a huge amount of mutual attraction.

Hmmm.... maybe I will be single for a long time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Oh well, I think I'm ok with that now. But if Ms. Perfect comes along. Watch Out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Miker

Well if instant mutual passion is really your only requirement, that sounds workable to me, and I hope you find it soon.

Where I've seen that expectation get tricky for men is when they're looking for instant passion from women who don't do instant passion. A lot of us don't pay much attention to instant hormonal responses to someone we don't know well, but do pay attention to the deeper passion that comes from knowing someone more thoroughly and being attracted on multiple levels. If instant mutual passion is your strategy, just keep in mind that you're cutting yourself off from this group of women and don't expect otherwise.

In other words, don't drive yourself nuts going after what you've decided you don't want. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm not saying I think you will, just pointing out a pitfall I've seen a lot of other guys fall into.

Instant, mutual passion is Hollywood fantasy; it doesn't happen in the real world. My experience has been that when a relationship is too passionate too soon, it will invariably burn itself out quickly.

You are right, though, dating has become very much like looking for a job. This is garbage. Don't buy into it. It's happening because we want instant gratification, seek partners for all the wrong reasons, have unrealistic expectations, try to force love and romance, ignore our inner voices, and end up getting burned. This makes us defensive and cynical and we begin approaching love like it's a business proposition.

Ask yourself this question: would you want to be involved with a woman who subjected you to a long checklists of qualifying criteria, scoring you our? The answer will be yes only if you are seeking a controlling, cynical, insecure woman who will make you miserable.

Maybe this is fantasy and yes I probably live in a fantasy world. But I am ok with that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I have far too much reality in my life as it is...

A controlling, cynical, insecure woman would not fare well with me!

Now that I think about it another thing that bugs me about the "dating rules"...

Whats the deal with dating multiple people at once being ok? Personally if I was dating someone and found out she was dating someone else at the same time I'd freak. I even have a hard time with hearing about a significant others old "dating skeltons" let alone the live ones!

As I said... I may be single for long time... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Miker

Dating is only like an interview if you let it become like an interview. Yes, the first few dates you are trying to get to know the person. How else are you going to know if you are mutually attracted to each other? If one or both people are skilled in the art of communication, then it doesn't have to be so clinical.

Mutually atracted without talking, without knowing the other person? Doesn't sound like a strong foundation for a long term relationship to me.

That being said, I absolutely believe there needs to be chemistry. But chemistry alone does not a relationship make.

I get curious what exactly this question means when it comes up.

Where I get confused is: Does that mean that the moment you ask a woman out for the first time, if she accepts that means she's committing to an exclusive relationship with you?

I for one wouldn't do that -- it's the being attracted on many levels thing again.

For me yes.

If you go on a date and don't want to continue to see the person than fine say goodbye and move on to the next guy. No problem. But don't continue to see him and bring a few more into the mix just in case he doesn't work out.

I'm completely cool with someone saying at any point during the dating period : "I don't think this is working I want to see other people." And I would respect that.

But only one person at a time.

Just my own opinion... each to there own.

Miker

How very strange.

I've run into guys who have this kind of expectation, and I've always thought it downright bizarre -- the expectation is that my time hangs so heavy on my hands that I'm ready to dedicate that part of my social life to some random person I barely know.

My standards just aren't that low.

I actually may agree with Miker on that one. I tried dating multiple guys when I first started dating here a few months ago. Now granted, the idea was just to meet them, have lunch or something, and see if I was a good fit with any of them.

But I did end up briefly dating two guys simultaneously, though it wasn't a serious thing with either of them at that point.

The problem: It felt weird--just "not right" from the beginning. So, I'm back to one, who is neither of the aforementioned two. As far as where we are, I haven't even kissed him yet. We've written lots of emails and had some long phone calls and met twice. (So I guess you could say we have "interviewed" each other a bit.) There has been no talk of exclusivity. I don't know if he's seeing others (I don't think he is). But I just decided I'd rather concentrate on him at this moment, and if it doesn't work, THEN I'll put myself back out there and hopefully meet someone else, and do the same thing.

No more of this scheduling multiple guys thing for me!

LL

As I say... each to there own.

I guess we won't be dating any time soon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Miker

I should say not. I understand anyone being uncomfortable dating someone who is actively hunting for someone else to date. But what I find bizarre is the notion that if I accept a date from one man I barely know, he would expect me not to accept a date from another. There's the implied disrespect that I'm so desperate I'll commit exclusively to a near-stranger, and there's the fact that such expectations on the man's part seem desperate and needy. Glomming onto a near-stranger to that degree is always going to seem rather creepy to me.

I guess people who have read my postrs will know I that I wouldn't date multiple people and don't wantt to try to start a relationship with those who do. I'm like lordslady; it just feels so wrong to me.

Yes, one must ask some questions in the early stages to get conversation going and identify common interests. But here are just a few question I was asked on a date last year:

How long have you been with you current employer and why did you leave you previous employer?

What is you income range?

What kind of car do you drive?

Do you keep in contact with your ex? If so, why?

How many women have you dated in the last year?

On which date will you expect sex?

etc.....

And these questions were posed in a cold, very business like manner. Some of them I refused to answer. The date was for coffee and perhaps dinner. I politely excused myself after coffee.

On the other extreme, I had a date for drinks after work and halfway into the second round, I was told "You seem great! Want to continue this at my place. I stopped by Victoria's Secret at lunch just in case <wink>" Uh, no, actually I don't.....

Wow, I'm asking all the wrong questions then!! Things like:

*So, what looks good to you? (as we're reading the menu at a restaurant).

*Is non-smoking okay?

*How long have you been divorced? If I'm not prying too much, care to tell me a little about what happened that caused your marriage to end?

*Do you have kids? Tell me about them.

*So, tell me a little more about what you do. What made you choose that profession? Do you like it?

*Do you listen to music? What kinds do you like? Do you have a favorite artist? Favorite band? You don't like rap, do you???!!

*What kinds of things do you like to do in your free time?

See...I'm just blowing it here!!!! I didn't know I was supposed to be interviewing them for income level, types of showy toys they may have, etc....

(Okay, enough sarcasm. I'm sure those type are out there. I wouldn't tolerate them for very long, though.)

LL

WOW! now that comment reeks of control issues. . .

let me say that I perceive that all your comments do come from a lack of social maturity, and you do live in a fantasy world. Are you here to learn? or to debate your point?

wiftty

as far as dating more than one person, i was sort of dating someone, we had a weekend together, no sex, and then I went to a second outing, she stood me up, and it was at the second weekend, that I found Ms. right so far and that was four years ago. . . . . now, I wasn't expecting to find anyone, and i wasn't expecting to get stood up, but hey, you never know unless you go out and try. . .

folks, everyone seems to forget that the future is uncertain, and that no one has total control over their reality. . . yes, I did know a very hard working woman, very attrative woman, who had married the Route 3 burglar. . . she didn't know it. . until he was caught. . . there are many stories of people being duped, because you don't know what you don't know.

with experience, some education, and some wisdom, everyone can learn how to spot the players and the liars. . not everyone learns at the same rate or the same way. .

that's what make life so interesting.

wiftty

WOW! we do paint with broad strokes don't we...

I'm here to offer an opinion, which you may or may not agree with. I am being honest. I'd also be surprised if I'm the only person out there who feels that way.

If you disagree with my opinion that's fine.

Miker

I have done such a complete 180 on this, I shock myself. I have never considered myself to be a "recreational dater". Just didn't want to be.

Part of it was, why put time, money, and effort into someone I didn't see having a future with? Which is still true to an extent. But my answer now is, why not, if we're having fun together.

The larger reason that I thought this way until recently is that I didn't want to risk possible pregnancy with a woman I wouldn't want to mother my children. No birth control is 100% effective. And nobody I know who believes in abstainence before marriage, actually practiced abstainence before marriage, myself included. People get carried away. I certainly didn't want my children to have a little brother or sister with someone who wasn't their mother/stepmother. But, I was recently sterilized so this is not as an issue anymore.

The big question I'm trying to answer for myself is at what point in the relationship should it be discussed.

and so did i, which you may or may not agree with


this is a message board, there is no way to validate that claim.


safety in numbers? or are you looking for a democracy?

attack, i think rather overly dramatic. personal, yes.

opinions, everybody has them, and that's all they are, and they are seldom important facts, unless you are on trial.

wiftty

I see the disrespect completely from the opposite side. I think it is disrespectful to be seeing someone else when you are already involved with someone. You can argue what "involved" means but I guess I see dating as being less casual than you do.

I guess as long as everyone is upfront about their expectations then no one gets hurt but there definitely are differing opinions on this...

Miker

Yes it was a bit dramatic... I pulled the comment.

And to all the rest... ok.

Miker