Quick background info. We are both the BS/WS.
H's #1 need is SF (did not know this before, but knew it was important). My top needs are Affection and Conversation. During our M, H was not getting enough SF and I was not getting my needs met. Early in our M, I had some medical problems that made it so SF was not an option. But, after a certain point, it became a habit to say No. Somewhere in all of this, H was becoming resentful and was not meeting my other needs. This was all very insidious-- we did not recognize all of this at the time as much as we do now. Anyway, it was a vicious cycle because I did not want to meet need for SF when I did not feel appreciated and valued and visa versa. It became so bad in the last few years, that I felt H only wanted me for SF. I did not enjoy sex anymore because I felt used and de-valued.

So, now that I know SF is his top need, I have been working on improving our sex life (for myself too, not just him) and it has improved quite a bit. I find myself really enjoying it and looking forward to being with him because I feel that he is taking the time to make me feel valued when we do things. It is not only about pleasing him.

However, the issue is I am scared that we are starting up the same pattern of me feeling he only wants me for SF. He does not feel that close to me right now anyway, so he does not have much desire to meet my needs. And, when when we counseled with JHC, she was pushing him to meet my needs and he became resentful. He does not want to feel like he is being scored and following a list (I pushed too hard for this in the beginning because I was terrified of another false recovery). As it stands now, he does not even have my ENs list and told me the other day he knows what I want, but how can he if he does not have it? And, he was not hitting the mark before. I know he is hurting really badly now, things will take time, and he does not have a ton of desire to meet my needs, but if he wanted to do something here and there, I would like it to be something that will hit the mark and make bigger deposits. I am starting to become resentful because he does not even value me enough to ask what my needs are. And, I do not want to have the M I had before where I felt like all he wanted me for was sex.

So, what can I do early in R when he does not really want to meet many of my needs, but I want to show him we will have a new M where he does get his needs met? I want him to know I am changing and value him and his ENs.

And, talking has not been going well, so trying to address with him probably would not help at this point.

Any tips/ideas/advice? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think the problem may be that you are farther along in your recovery than he is in his and he may not feel confident, as a man, in his ability to meet your EN. Let's face it, your affair was proof that there was another man who could meet those EN better than he did [Ouch!]. What can you do? Well besides SF, what are his other top EN? If one of them is RC [recreational companionship] then you may want to consider joining him when he wants to participate in one of his favorite sports or even watch a game of basketball, football or baseball. This may help the two of you because he may start associating YOU with happy times and if he sees you enjoying yourself with him, he may feel more confident, as a man, in trying to meet your EN.

Worth a shot, isn't it? What do you think?

TMCM

TMCM-

Sorry I was not able to reply sooner, but there is a very good reason---H and I have had some very good talks this weekend and this topic did come up.



And, I think this has a lot to do with it too. Plus, he is not really in a place mentally where he wants to do a lot of needs-meeting. As we have gotten closer, he has started and that has felt really good. I am just afraid of going back to the same patterns where his need for SF is over-shadowing everything else and we are not both getting our needs met.



This is a really good idea. We have been playing golf together--on the computer and on the course and we have both really been enjoying it. And, we are going to 2 baseball games in the next few weeks. RC is not listed as one of his top needs right now, but we both filled out the ENs Q. when we were post-A. Mine has changed a bit, so his may have too.

And, I agree that I am farther a long in R and this is something I need to realize every day. H only found out about the PA recently (though it had ended months ago. Main reason it had not come out sooner is I was dealing with the fallout from his A and I wanted to make sure we were with a counselor we could trust when I told him.) So, I need to be more patient. He will get there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Improving,

I am the BS and my wife and I have started recovery. We are about 2 months into recovery and things are hard but manageable. We have been doing MC and making headway. My taker has been in place for a while now but my giver is coming back. When my giver is in place we make very quick progress. My heart and mind are open when I am giving. I can tell you this as a man that SF is much more than a physical experience. Most men do not realize that the emotional effects of SF with someone you love is a source of vast emotional intimacy and connectedness and the feeling of love. Most men only realize that SF makes them feel "good" not realizing what emotions are really tied to the good feeling and that the most significant impact is emotional and not physical. I have read that men feel love when there is SF and women need to feel love to want SF. I believe that as your husband feels love via SF he will open his heart and mind for you. I am pretty sure that you husband wants you for more than the physical aspect of SF but he may not be able to express it, since men really do not have a good grasp of what emotions they are feeling. Many times men can only describe feeling "good", "bad" or "ok" which really does not identify a real emotion. Remember, SF is you and your husband in a situation where the both of you are focused on each other and only each other. It is an environment where the everyday responsibility melts away and you can both enjoy each others honesty and intimacy. You share this experience only with each other during SF.

Right now your giver is in charge. You are giving to your husband to satisfy his needs but your needs are not being met. Your husbands taker is in charge of his actions.
At this time your taker is starting to think, when do I get mine.

Reading this might help a bit: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html

Also read the sections on the three states of mind in marriage. It gives me insight everytime I read it.

I think I know that, but I am scared of going back to where we were because it took over everything. This was definately largely my fault for not meeting this need very well. I had lost my libido and I thought something was wrong with me, but my IC said this is a common reaction in women due to not feeling good in other areas of their lives. So, I think we just fed off of each other. So much of the rest of our relationship was good that we rarely talked about needs not being met. And, it took me reading HS/HN to understand and be able to put into words better what I needed.

Thank you for your response and insight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Improving: I am no expert and I am living the ****** of the lies, and sometimes I feel like I'm giving and giving with no return.

I just started reading a book by Gary Smallley: How to win your husband back before its too late. Man, what an awesome read. It is faith based.

Do you believe in God? Do you believe he's willing to help you? He has been a great source of comfort to me. Even if you don't understand God much or are bitter, he can offer comfort to you.

My opinion, love is an action and a decision. you have to act yourself into love. If that means having SF but worrying about being used...Don't let that worry get you. You can only change you yet your can bless your WH still. If you can work through your own issues and problems and seperate your crap from his crap, you will be able to keep on working on the marriage and offering the olive branch.

I am determined to work on things, so I have turned first to my own problems. I'm working to meet his needs, what is my motivation? Is it because its the right thing to do or is it because I want something in return. You will always be rewarded for doing the right thing, it may not be meeting your needs...but at least you can go out with a clean heart and pure motives if he doesn't choose take the challenge.

PS. Its very hard and I couldn't do it without support. I don't mean to sound trite at all. Each day is a struggle but I havn't given up hope.

Improving,

""I think I know that, but I am scared of going back to where we were because it took over everything. This was definately largely my fault for not meeting this need very well. I had lost my libido""

Don't be scared, because you CAN'T go back to where you were. It sounds like you have totally found your libido!! You enjoy the SF and look forward to being with him. So where you were DOES NOT EXIST ANYMORE. You are different.

Maybe you are thinking about it too much. If his EN is being met and you are having fun fulfilling it, then what's the problem? Plus if he is getting his fill of SF it won't "take over everything".

If your ENs then still are not being fulfilled, ask for them!!

k

whattagirl-



I am working very hard on figuring out my "crap" and determining what I will need to change to grow and be a better person. One thing I have noticed is that I looked to my H too much to be my source of joy, instead of finding the joy within myself. So, when things started going awry and we were both so spent we had nothing to give ourselves, much less each other, I started to falter and stumble. He had always been my rock and my rock was gone and I did not know what to do. Now, I am working hard on being interdependent (as opposed to co-dependent or too independent as a good friend told me). I am finding the balance in my life I did not have before. It will be a long journey, but I am up to the task and enjoying it quite a bit. Each day is a gift of new insight into me.

I have been trying to meet his needs for months without getting much in return. Only, rarely, have I broken down and really gotten upset that mine were not being met. But, slowly they have been. He has been buying me flowers, sending me cards, snuggling, watching movies, going on dates, and we just recently had some beautiful talks that made me feel close to him. These are some of the first things he has been doing and I have really appreciated it as I know he is having a very hard time dealing with everything that has gone on. They do not refer to it as a rollercoaster for nothing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Very good point, thank you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



Guilty as charged. Believe me, there is quite a bit of time that I do not think about it at all. But, once in a while, when I am feeling anxious or blue, it will get to me. But, as I said, I had been trying to meet his needs for months at a time when he could not give me much of anything because he was dealing with the fallout of my A. Now, we are in a better place and with every day and week, I see progress. We take a few steps back, but we always manage to get back up and keep going-- just a little bit stronger and closer than we were before. This will be a long journey--one I never thought I would ever be on (part of the problem, thought it could never happen to us!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />