Hi: I dont know if I am posting in the right place tonight but here goes my problem. My H and I have been together for 8 years. About 3 1/2 years or so ago my H was out of control. He was drinking alot,cheating,abusing me emotinally and verbally. After I had finally had enough and found out about the affair we separated. After the brief separation and H's promises we got back together and started going to church. Things were fine up until about a year ago. He has slowing been transforming back to that horrible H he once was. I have tried I think everything to reach him. I have prayed, begged,screamed, cried, pleaded, consulted my counselor,altamatiums, etc... Nothing I have done has seemed to reach him at all. I don't want a divorce but I don't want to continue to live this way either. Can anyone offer any solutions.

Thanks

Solutions no! REad everything that you can here at MB and post over on the General Questions II forum, there is more traffic there on the weekends.

Dawn

Step one is going to have to be therapy. Not only marital therapy, but individual psychotherapy for your H. He must find out why he keeps reverting to these self-destructive behaviors. You can't make him do this, but you may demand it. You mentionan ultimatum. What happened with that? There's no sense in making ultimatums that you yourself don't abide by. If he knows you are serious, it may just be a wake-up call for him.

Marbi:

I am sorry you have to be here but, if you need help this is a great place to be.

I do not have the answers for you either but, as Daybreak has suggested read everything you can and listen to all the advise you get from the folks here.

You will get lots of support from great people who are so willing to help you.

Remember that knowledge is power, so get as much of it as you can because believe you me you are going to need it, as do we all.

Good luck to you.

Only

I'm curious as to whether your husband got into any kind of 12 step Recovery program when he stopped drinking? It's good to use your church as a support, but it often takes more structure than that. Stopping drinking is just the first step in Recovery from alcoholism/addiction. True Recovery is about learning new ways to handle yourself and life, on life's terms. In the past, the alcohol or drug has enabled the person to avoid reality for a time. That's where a 12 Step program comes in. It helps provide a structure for healing and learning healthier ways to live. Also, other recovering alcoholics are much quicker in picking up on the lies and manipulation of the alcoholic. They can be very confrontive. They help hold an individual accountable for their choices and behaviors.

There is nothing you can do to fix your husband's alcoholism. You might want to try going to an Al-anon group meeting. These are for family members and friends who are dealing with someone with alcoholism and/or drug addiction. There are some on-line groups, too, I think.

After multiple treatment programs (15 + ) and multiple relapses, my ex finally got into Recovery and has been clean and sober for nine years. He's 50 years old and started using at 15 yrs. old. During his drinking and drugging years he lost his first marriage, job, children, house, sibling support, etc. His "bottom" took a long time to reach. And neither he nor I know why it "worked" this time. I think that I finally reached the point where I was serious about him getting out of my life...and able to back it.

Only you can decide when you've had enough. Only you can decide if there's anything in the marriage that you think is worth saving or fighting for. And, only your husband can get into Recovery.

Alcoholism can drain the life right out of you. Please take good care of YOU regardless of your decisions.

Thanks for replying:

Daybreak I will post on GQ II

Check -I got him to go 1 time, counselor told him he had a problem and now he won't go back. As for self-destructive behaviors, you hit the nail right on the head !!!Ultimatum's, stupid me I never follow thru with them.

Only, thanks for the support.

Heart - My H says he doesn't have the problem with his drinking, but I am the one with the problem with his drinking. I have gone to al-anon before but can't get in to it. Unfortunity manipulation is his speciality. At this point I can't stand the emotional abuse and his drinking makes me so sick. There is so much going on in our lives right now. Selling a house, building our dream house moving in 1 month. I am just so confused. I don't know weather to stay in this house, move into our dream house with him and pray it's gets better or just split up and try and start a new life.

I wish there was a miracle pill for all this.

Thanks All