Everything I do, feel and think is about my STBX!

I read a lot of posts here and it seems that even when they have been divorced for years it's still about the STBX or X. What they're doing, what's going on with the OW, STBNW or new wife.

I don't want to care about them! When does it start being about me? I'm just so sick of having every move I make, every thought I have be about him.

I want to be able to do things without wondering what he might think or feel about it.

I don't want to spend every waking hour wondering what he's doing, where's he going, who's he with..etc.

Sorry all, just having a bad weekend and feeling a little sorry for myself I guess.

Hope everyone's having a good weekend.

Only

When you stop making your life about them.

When your thoughts are only about your ex and what they are doing your pretty much making them Lord over your life.

So are they really God in your life? Maybe something to consider? Are you idolizing them? making them more than they were? I mean come on they can't be to 'perfect' if they left the marriage.

So when you stop idolizing them they won't always be in your thoughts and it won't be about them anymore.

[quote]When you stop making your life about them.

When your thoughts are only about your ex and what they are doing your pretty much making them Lord over your life.

So are they really God in your life? Maybe something to consider? Are you idolizing them? making them more than they were? I mean come on they can't be to 'perfect' if they left the marriage.

So when you stop idolizing them they won't always be in your thoughts and it won't be about them anymore.[quote]

ThornedRose:

You are so right! That makes a lot of sense, I've got to make my life about me and not about him and whomever he is seeing at the moment.

I think maybe we should share this with some of the other ladies out there that are still stressing about their X's years after they have been divorced.

From some of the postings I have read here it is obvious to me that it is easier said then done.

Thank you again for your reply.

Only

When you move on with your life and the greeat things YOU are doing for you far outweigh any interest in what HE is doing...

I have my moments where the hurt and resentment still well up but I have found so much peace NOT worrying about his every new adventure and mistep...

I am not yet D'd and God help me the only reason is the $ I don't have... I will get it and 90 days later it will be done. The further away I get the more I realize how much I allowed myself to be used by this man and how much I choked down.

...breathing easier these days....

Only,

I'm not saying it's easy, but you can move past your ex-h even when you have kids that are school age, it's a little more difficult if they are younger than that and you have to work vistation with your ex.

My kids are old enough to call their dad they are old enough to use the phone to call their friends, they can call their dad and talk to him.

They are old enough to ask me of they can go to b-day parties and things while they are with me, they are old enough to call and ask their dad if they can go do certain things for times they are with him. ex: if they are invited to a b-day party and that b-day falls during a time they know they will be with him, they can call him and ask if they can go before he comes to get them--and if he says yes, HE CAN TAKE THEM!! Why? because that's part of parenting taking your kids to their various activities. If he tells them No, then that is between them and doesn't include me.

Sure they complain to me, and I listen then I say "So when are you going to talk to your dad about that?"

I let them know, he's the one they are upset with, doesn't he deserve to know why? They have often said "But he'll be hurt, if I tell him I'm mad at him." I say "well, your hurt because of this, why is it just okay for you to hurt and not him, are his feelings more important than yours?"

I talk to them the same way when they are hurt because of something a friend says or does. And it gets them thinking
sure the other persons feelings are important, and you never want to hurt someone 'intentionally' but sharing how you feel isn't hurting them intentionally, it's not like your going to hit them or something causing physical harm to them, but my feelings are just as important.

If your ex is doing things that is causing physical harm to your children, okay do something to try and stop it.

If they are doing something that is causing them emotional hurt, encourage them to talk to them, let them know how the choices are hurting them.

If at all possible remove yourself from your role as mediator between them and let them learn to build their own relationship.

If your ex calls wishing to discuss their life woes, just say "Excuse me, I have divorce papers signed by a judge that say I don't have to listen to this anymore" then hang up the phone.

If your the one wishing to get back with this person ask yourself why? Why do you want to get back with them? What makes this person better than someone else? Sure okay, you have kids together but they don't want to be there, so why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't WANT to be in a relationship with you?

And if your ex-spouse is making stupid life choices, well, that is their life. How do you react when other people your not married to make stupid life choices? Do they effect you as much? Do you worry about them? Do you talk about them constantly? Do their problems engulf your life?

Why are their choices affecting you so much? Okay, their choices may effect your children, but even your children need to, at some point, learn that choices of other people don't control their lives. Yes, they may cause negative effects but they don't have to let them control them.

They can learn and so can you, that you can still love someone and not agree with the choices they are making.

it's about learning to respect their choices, just as you want your choices respected even if/when others don't agree with them.

Is it that imperative others agree with you all the time? If so, why do you think that? Is it that imperative that others
do just what you want? if so, why do you believe that?

It's all about learning to let others make their own choices whether you agree with them or not, and then making your own life choices in as much as the other persons choices effect you personally.

If someone is doing something that hurts you, well, you talk to them and let them know, if you've done that and they continue to do the hurtful things, you can choose to remove yourself from that situation based on their choice to continue the hurtful behavior.

Don't let someone elses actions and choices control your life. Learn to look for all your options, and then make the choice that is best for you in the given situation.

You are the only person you can control, be it your feelings, your actions whatever...

I was just asking myself this same question. I just got back from spending 3 days on a cruise ship. It was so nice and gave me time to think. I finally realize that I'm the one choosing to live in the past and continue to allow my STBX and OW take up all my thoughts and energy. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be happy and live my life without thinking of them all the time. I know it's going to be hard but I'm going to make a concious decision to think about me and let go of the past!!!!! I wish you the best.

Ah, Onlyoneme, the answer to your question is a single word: time.

You D was only filed on 4/25/05, just three months ago. So what you are feeling is normal. You probably already know this, but being the BS left behind to pick up the pieces of a broken life and try to make it whole again is the hardest job in the world. The BS really is having their cake and eating it too. It cost them nothing. They are having a ball and aren't feeling any pain, remorse, betrayal or guilt. The WS has to pick up the tab for them in those reagards.

Of course you don't want to care about them and you know what? One day you won't care. But right now you are still trying to unravel the emotional associations and attachments you formed with your now-ex husband. I'd be willing to bet that certain events of your life with him replay over and over in your head. But you are going to get better. We can't say when this will happen, but it will. And it happens gradually.

You say you're just having a bad weekend. That sounds about right. I remember that several months after my W left, I started to come out of a fog and actually begin to feel "normal" again. One Saturday, I had to run some errands on the other side of town. Coming back home, traffic was tied up on a main thoroughfare, so I switched to a backroads route. This is a rather pleasant ride through a semi-rural area with horse farms. Suddenly it hit me that my W and I had always used this route to go to a nice restaurant at which we liked to take luncheon on Saturdays. I became so upset that I had to pull off the road! It was if I'd been taken back to D-day. I began to notice that there were many things in my life that were triggers for this happening. They were associations, some sad, but most happy of our life together. As time passed I was able to experience them without becoming sad or angry. My goal is to be able to experience them and smile.

You know what? This still happens from time to time; something unsuspected throws me for a loop. But the impact isn't so great and they come farther apart. The same thing will happen for you. Just be patient and don't beat yourself up.

Thanks to all for the support and kind words. I am feeling a lot better today. Took some time to take care of me last night, had a nice long hot bath, eat a pint of ice cream and saw a good movie so, I can see things little more clearly. I hope I don't get fat eating ice cream and eating cookie dough..LOL!

I am assuming that this is par for the course and that only time will heal all the hurt I am feeling right now.

I am very glad to have all of you here to give me the strength I need to face yet another day.

Only

You're welcome. Good about taking care of yourself! It's OK to pamper yourself. Learn some relaxation and centering techniques -- healthy ones. Careful with that ice cream and cookie dough! Women tend to turn to food when they are upset -- we men turn to booze. The best revenge to can exact from Mr. Cheater is running into him a few months from now and looking so fine that he'll rue the day he ever gave up a hottie like you! Can't accomplish that with ice cream and cookie dough. It is awfully good though. LOL

Time helps significantly in this.

The age of any children is an important factor.

Doofus moved out just over 10 year ago and, thanks to daughter's depression this past year, we are NOW in family counseling together. But things are going much better for both children. You don't think I like it do you. Yup, there are x issues that come to mind but, when I give in too much to them, I am giving him power in my life. I am conscious of the fact that I am the only one (of the adults) who admits they aren't perfect so I resent this a bit - and I know the dr can see through him to a great extent.

So, don't stress over it. Consider it normal. And remember not to give him too much power.

I try to humor mine so I can, later, get what I want when it matters.

Can't accomplish it with booze either

CheckUrHeart:

Thank you so much for reminding me, I definitely need to stay away from the ice cream and cookie dough. In a few months his OW will probably be as big as a house due to her pregnancy, not that she was that thin to begin with.

That's when I can rub my perfect size 6 in her face. Well, if I don't gain to much weight in the mean time that is...LOL!!

Have a good night all.

Only