Hey all, got in last night. I sure am glad to be home and equally glad to be saying hi to you all tonight! It was a great couple of weeks and guess what? I had a surprise waiting for me last night...

Yep. It was Phil. The lights were all on and the house was alive. I'd been dreading going home to an empty, dark house - I'd thought about getting something at the pub but decided to change my stinky clothes first. I really was surprised to see Phil there and surprised to be hugged and kissed and made much of.

Phil had tidied the house except for the vacuuming part (see below) and had stocked the fridge with food and drinks - all my favorites and all healthy stuff. He said my cupboards and refrigerator were pathetic and that I should be eating better and that especially he knew I probably would be craving fresh, healthy foods after my trip home.

He knew that? OK.

It was funny. There was no LBing from Phil. And I only made one teeny LB and Phil helped me out of it. He said weird things about sharing and agreeing... another weird thing about disclosure. (I said I was all for it!) But he didn't disclose much really.

I told him about my trip and he really tried to act interested but I could tell he really didn't want to hear about anything that I did without him. I was excited and pumped to share so I just shared pictures. I tried to be light and flirty and I got a little sassy but hey, I am a little sassy!

He obviously didn't want to go out so we stayed in. I went upstairs to change my shirt and he made up a cheese plate (just for me). When I walked down the stairs his eyes about bugged out of his head and I am just going to take it that I (my chest?) looked good to him and didn't have anything hanging out. It was just a sleeveless t-shirt. Old and not special at all...

So we ate cheese and crackers but he only ate one for politeness and we shared some grapes. They were really good grapes too. The cost for the couple kilo must have given him a heart attack but I really enjoyed them. While I nibbled on my grapes I made him give me a foot rub.

It went sort of like:

Sally: Can I put my feet on you?

Phil: OK. Sure.

Sally: Can I have a foot rub?

Phil: No.

Sally: Just rub that foot a little.

and he did! Man! I was groaning it felt so good! And he looked kind of surprised but in a good way, so he rubbed a lot longer than I would have expected...

Sally: OK, now do the other one. (Sassy!)

But then we had a little upset because once I took my foot away Phil asked me about some gardening book he wanted to look at. Duh. All of my stuff is still in storage. We had some stilted convo. about that but ultimately, the two important takeaways were:

1. Phil said I should move my belongings back into the house from storage.

Awwwww.

2. Phil wants to borrow my things to bring aspects of his (now lost) comfortable life with Sally to his new home without Sally.

Grrrrr.

All together now: CAKE EATER! FENCE-SITTER!

We took a walk. The hour was late. I asked if he was staying. He said no, he was meeting someone in the morning... So he knows he is still desired I suppose... I don't feel weak about having asked. I didn't feel too rejected for putting it out there either. He made it easy for me and that was kind of nice.

During the walk I gushed over Phil with much praise and smiles and thanks for ALL that he did to make my homecoming so wonderful. (Yeah, I felt like a moron doing it.) Dig this, Phil wriggled and giggled with pleasure like a 5-yr old. He was so proud of himself and so happy I was happy.
So I decided to ask Phil why he is being so nice to me and spending time with me again.

His first response was that he wasn't trying to get anything from me. I said I wasn't trying to get anything from him. Then he said I'd given him a nice welcome home a few weeks back. I said I only did it because I was glad he didn't get blown up at G8. He said he was glad he didn't get blown up too. :-( Then I said he'd been being nicer to me for a while before that even and I wanted to know why. He said: Because it feels good.

It was a real answer anyway.

Our goodbye was strained. Again. He gave me a puny hug and a kiss on the cheek. A few times he had moved in to kiss me and then didn't during the night and so I didn't either. Oh well. Then he patted me on my back (burp the baby? I didn't like it) and immediately he apologized for that and said that he has been patting people. He has? Who? So I said he could have a do-over and he gave me a nice hug this time and I felt -IT. The BIG erection.

Mr. Phil then proceeded to walk slightly hunched to the door to make shorts appear less crowded. It was all I could do to keep from laughing but I couldn't help from stealing a crotch shot. Funny! Very funny, but very sad. So he obviously gets something out of being around me and yet, I get the kiss on the cheek by way of goodbye? Can anyone explain this?

So there it is - my condensed homecoming story. It was all good and I just don't get it. A few people have suggested that Phil is testing the waters. So I'm putting it out here to all of you -- ya gotta take on this??? All comments (2 x 4s too) accepted with grace and humor. If you have questions -- ask 'em and I will answer. I just want to know what you would be thinking -- FWS and BSs all :-)

* * * * * * * *

BTW, here is a list of what Phil did while I was away from what he told me or from what I could see for myself:

He searched (almost) every square inch of the house - every closet, every cupboard, nook, cranny - you name it. (ALL computer files included) looking for -- I don't know what.

Installed some kind of registry spy thingy on my box... There is a (not very well hidden) file on my C drive that is just sucking down everything that is a new file from the D drive. It's not at all apparent if he did this on purpose or not - I deleted two worms today so I could give him the benefit of the doubt.

Checked his e-mail and work accounts and left his passwords and cookies all over the machine. (No, I didn't go and spoof his account -- it's too much work and just puts me back where I was before vay-cay.)

Took away his summer clothes from storage and his closet. Left his autumn and winter clothes, underwear, socks, a pair of shoes - some work clothes - why not just take it all? Why leave any?

Took some of his books -- but only a small few, according to him, he took only the books I had gifted him. Weird. :-P said it was important to him. I got teary despite my skepticism. But - weird.

Slept over. A few nights. At least 5 - maybe more. I don't know, but I've been told, folks having affairs don't usually take a couple of days off from work, hang out at their old homes, play golf with pals at their BS's club (where everyone knows who I am or at very least know who that red-head is and who she's with and not with...) then crawl into the BS's bed while they are away on holiday and sleep. But Phil did.

Took away the winter windows and installed screens everywhere in the house that I hadn't. Last year while doing this activity a cord snapped and the window guillotine broke every finger on my hand. I haven't gone out of my way to do more than I had to this year...

Cleaned the whole garage. Spotless. Must have used Clorox bleach. It's a tiny miracle. Even in the dark. Phil took special care to let me know he'd gotten rid of all the spiders. We've had a huge spider problem, along with the rest of our city, since last year...

Mowed the lawn. Several times.

Tended my fruit trees and rose beds.

Filled the fridge with all my faves. All natural, all organic, all vegetarian! No meat products to be found anywhere. My favorite tastes and brands too.

Drank the beer, sampled the grappa and left me the cheap wine <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Hey, more for me!

Washed all of the dishes (and put some of them away too).

Bought the special, really expensive dog food for the dogs.

Bought a new, special grooming tool to de-hairify the dogs. I guess now isn't a good time to tell him that I've been using his hairbrush on the dogs since he left... But maybe he could see that for himself?

* * * * * * * *

What do you think of all that?
Sally

Sally - It sounds very promising to me. That he remembered all of your favorite foods and brands is amazing. My husband never did figure out mine - had no clue after 10 years.

well
as I was passing and waiting for A2's return from the markets, I see it it good news, well maybe slightly hopeful news.

Sally a lot of guys arn't too expressive and do things like mowing the lawn and etc etc until they can acually say something........ "say anything" is heard quite a lot in this house <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> [and stop pointing fingers and laughing or I'll go mow the lawn]

I think hes getting the message big time and is starting to understand a bit of what he's done. Has he got to a place where he 'wants' to do something but is it come back and try to repair the R and M??? NO

Part of him is wallowing in self disgust I suspect and feels he does not deserve anything, that you deserve better etcetc blah blah .
The other part is cringing away from any 'COMMITMENT" either way.

If you got him in a totally honest moment right now and asked him are you having A still?????? he wouldn't know how to ans because he doesn't know where he is. It doesn't SEEM like theres anyone there right now from your post but that might mean nothing.

I dont know if its exactly cake eating right now...more a man standing on the edge of a cliff, will he turn towards you and step back or take the final step and jump???
Hes leaning towards you right now thats all that can be said...but as skittish as a caged wild ringtailed possum.

{{{{{Believer!!!}}}}} I was expecting a firm clout on the head from ya girlfriend! Now I am all confused! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He didn't get too crazy-fancy with the food, but there was plenty of it and yes, it was all things that I like to eat and would want to eat in this season, in this weather and yes, he really did nail the flavors I'd been craving while I was away. One of the cheeses was smoked and I'm not ordinarily a fan, but for some strange reason, I had a major yen while I was away and I couldn't find any.

The books thing kind of has me baffled but also in a good way. Notably missing from the shelves about 10-15 volumes: Truly, mostly the books I'd given to him as special gifts. The Jane Austen (he'd requested because he always has loved reading what I love, but then he never read them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />), the baseball books (half of the titles were mine; not his), holiday cookbooks, books about cheese (we like cheese), a book on Barbados - why? and the biggie: HIS BIBLE.

We're not bible-thumpin' folk by any stretch, but still, we like to refer as needed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I was shocked that in all this time he didn't take when it was out and available. But sure enough, his bible is gone. Gone gone gone. And I think that's a good thing. Dunno if it's portentous. I'm less inclined to be positive than ever these days, but it's a step in the right direction!

So c'mon, where's that 2x4 for holding out hope? I'm very disappointed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sal

Sally - did you see Aussies post? Who knew that a beer-swilling man like him could say something with such depth?

A2, yeah. I was being pre-emptive with the cake-eating thing. You're right on the money about being skittish and commitment phobic. It's not really cake-eating. He's scared s*itless. Not hard to see even for me in the middle of it.

I don't know what withdrawal looks like. If I had to guess, I would say maybe he is not getting his fix of OW lately. No hang up calls while I was away. Let's see if they start up again? But also, if I had to guess, I would say they could be writing their wedding invitations in anticipation of her divorce. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Really - Who knows?

That's why I'm putting it out here. Love him. Yes. But unlike the cheese I mentioned in the post above, what I feel for Phil isn't hungry craving -- it's more like yearning. I mentioned to him that on a particular day "I yearned for him a bit" and his response back was "Well now you know what I went through while I was away from you in Scotland."

I'm going to have to edit this all later... If he really was feeling what he says he felt and what I came to feel so recently even though I have missed him horribly the past *ulp* 6 months now... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> If really, this is what it's been like for him lately then there might be a second chance coming my way. Any British types will understand the meaning of my "a bit" I am sure...

For me it was that extra realization that there is no one who will be my mate the Phil was my mate. We "get" each other. Even with his communication issues, it's true, I get him and I accept him. Just the way he is. Always have. It never was a Phil in the future, more monied, more powerful, more hair? Nope. I loved him the way he was.

I don't think I deserve a better man. Not because I am some martyr, but because everybody has crap they bring along - me included. Let's just say I deserve better consideration and yesterday was not a grand gesture, but he IS being more considerate in a lot of ways and lack of hearts and flowers notwithstanding, it was very romantic.

He explained his stages too - at first he was only going to drop the dogs. Then he decided to turn on some lights. THen he cleaned some but said "it wasn't like it was hard - you left the place spotless." Then he decided to stock the fridge and he really was so proud of himself for getting me freshly squeezed carrot juice and freshly made tabouleh salad. And then, he said, he decided to stay because he just couldn't leave me to come home to an empty house...

awwwww. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> he really knows me better than I care to believe seeing as how he ran out on me and all. But maybe it means I really know him too?

And talk about consideration - he insisted that we share the gifts I brought for him (as thanks for taking care of the dogs.) But he was also considerate in not complaining about my activities away from him. He just was so obvious about NOT wanting to know I'd been so happy and excited to be away from him. But I was. Happy without him and excrutiatingly lonely for him too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

BIG points last night for not reacting poorly to my little LB. Bigger points for helping me get back to center with him after I slipped.

I'm sometimes moody over the fact that hey! I'm the betrayed one here! But it's not lost on me that he felt betrayed by life in general so maybe I can keep sucking that angst in a while. I can unload here - better than on him - just for now. It's tempting to tell him to piss off. I want him to be doing more - faster - but it's not a race - right?

Sal

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Takes a beer-swilling man to understand a beer-swilling man. Aussie takes second place for diving into Phil's head - he's just a hair behind WAT!

And really very much dead on. But tell me chica, what does this all mean for me? Same crap different day? I used up my bravery last night and so I'm seeking a fresh charge here if there is reason to get charged...

And if there isn't reason -- well someone throw a beer bottle in my general direction! And DAMN! I'm back to not sleeping again!


Sal

Well Sal

I think you have got it right for you. You can live without him but would rather live with him in healthy R & M.
A lot is now up to him.
He got to pull his finger out and get his Sh*t together and no one can do it for him.


B - "beer swilling man" indeed !!...lol You know I dont drink any more,.......... I dont drink any less I just dont drink any more....heh heh heh
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
sigh..only 2 glasses of beer a day allowed trying to get fit these days ...slept a lot better with more but can't have everything. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Aussie made me stop for oxygen and that got my brain working a little better.

I checked the e-mail account dedicated for Phil (easier for me to keep him separate than everyone else!) and what do you know? 5 and half hours ago there was e-mail from the man. He was home on a Saturday night? Gee, that's too bad! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It sure is nice of him to let me know it! He's no dummy!

He welcomed me home again. Pointed out a demi-ficelle atop the "frig" (how he sometimes puts it, making fun of my slang, and that is what he did tonight quite charmingly). Made me smile.

Also pointed out that the homemade pesto in the freezer was meant for him but that I could have it if I wanted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Y'know? I knew that but decided to eat his pesto already anyway!

Then he made more friendly-type banter blah blah. Talk to you soon. Blah blah. It was a five smiley note - no manipulative ersatz romance. Keep giving me the brutal truth thank you! I prefer it.

Wow. OK Aussie and Believer and any who are still awake... still thinking this is toe-dipping? I'm waiting for the nay-sayers - where are you all?

Sal

Sally

toe dipping YES... sounding you out YES ,,,, careful non needy banter thats honest is the thing here - see I DO listen to AW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> -

now sing a long time

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

[SQUEAL]

Oooh! Aussie, ya hit me with the old punk sound... Been in a nostalgic reverie for the last hour <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> A North American band too. Who says you're only good for beer swilling? Obviously there's slightly more to you than we all thought! No wonder AW thinks you're bump worthy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Where is that lady anyway? I'm hopping up and down waiting for my spanking! How is it that suddenly the MB universe - Oh OK, just you and Believer are so pro-Phil give him some time and opportunity to make it fright or fruck up miserably? Just wondering...

Naughty Zoot, aka Sally

Oh yeah.

First hang up call occurred roughly fifteen minutes ago or so... Nice. Very nice.

Let the games begin. Mnnnn Hmnnn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sal

OK, here was my (non-coached) attempt at non-needy banter:

• [color:"#010090"]Hey babe - Some grand slam eh? I think I really have to go see a game before the summer is gone! :-)
  
  It's morning and I've been on the phone since about two and before that ate out and yakked on the phone and ate out and caught up on some old biz. It's been a grand day but I just now realized - it never ended! *grin* :-)
  
  I'm not even a little tired! But I have been so hungry! I demolished the tabouleh salad in no time and made a significant dent in the crackers - the carrot juice was yummier than ever.
  
  I know things taste great when they are made with care -- but purchased with care? Yes! This was maybe the second best carrot juice ever - just after the juice we got together in Maine. Yummy-yum!
  
  Thanks a mil for making me such a lovely evening and taking care of my tummy. :-)
  
  Well, I'm going to catch up on e-mails now and maybe go for a jog or hit the driving range early. Or both! :-) I'm still so full of energy. How does that go about burning the candle at both ends? Oh and Say? How was your run with E___?
  
  me[/color]

Non-needy enough? Or I am missing my mark and blowing it with Phil?

Sal

Don't you have caller ID or automatic call return?

Hi Trix!

Yes, I have Caller ID and Call back features. The number was "Out of Area" not "blocked ID" or "Number unavailable". Could have been my gran or someone else out of state...

More importantly, I refuse to cower and cringe, always waiting for caller ID or waiting to hear if a message will be left every time the number isn't available. It's MY phone line and MY Sunday morning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I don't feel like I am in any danger from these hangups. If I felt threatened by them like I did this spring before Phil (I believe it was his influence) made the calls stop, I wouldn't hesitate to involve the police.

So here's what... if OW or Phil or whoever makes these calls wants to go to the trouble of checking up on me, they will wind up sometimes getting - ME - live and on the line!

Besides, I had a feeling a call or two might come my way if Phil is avoiding her. If I get more than this one, I will be sure to let him know the hangups started again. He brought an end about almost immediately last time.

Trix? Did I cover what went un-asked? Assume too much ?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Or is your gut telling you something?

Sal

It seems likely that OW could feel threatened by you or just checking to see if you are back. Harrassment? Maybe. Could it be Phil? Why would he do that? Does he suspect you might be moving on and an OM may answer. Or checking up on you to see how often you are home or out and about? Does he want to keep you as his fall back?

Is he still just wanting you two to 'just be friends'? (hope not and your answer should be 'NO'. Is he truly a cake eater? (all these aren't real questions...just me wondering) It seems like Aussie2 had him pegged pretty well.

Wish we knew where he is heading with all this attention? If he is distancing himself or has ended it with OW, then that could explain her calls (if it is her)...could she be so insecure and threatened by you? Odd.

I do think that you should let Phil know if you start getting more of these hang up calls.

You still need to be in the moving forward mode.(180 like) If he continues this level of contact; I sure hope he will sh*t or get of the p*t and marry you. What more could he be unsure of? Is he waiting for some sure 'feeling' (a lightning bolt) and not believing love is a decision/choice that one must commit to and stick with for better or worse?

Then how long will you go on this way in a semi plan A limbo?

After all...you aren't getting any younger and you've given this relationship lots of years already. You need to decide how many more of your years it is worth to wait for him. Was this just his last fling before deciding to take the plunge...I think if people don't get married within the first couple of years of a relationship then it becomes easier to not commit and as life gets in there and other boring details of living together...the surface may not shine as brightly and one can get confused as to what real love is or should be? Then when the opportunity of the A happened, all the excitment of the A, and the new love feelings rush the only helped to confuse things further. I know I don't express my thoughts as well as others here but maybe you get the gist of what I am trying to say.

Trix,

Yeah. It's hard to judge by one phone call - it could have been a regular old wrong number from out of state. But let's say it wasn't - for the sake of discussing options and being prepared?

It could have been Phil checking - not to see if an OM will answer, but checking to see am I in MY bed early on a Sunday morning. He knows that I'm moving forward. Maybe he's slightly jealous of other men around me. It seems unlikely, but it's still possible.

It could have been OW's H. He and I have not communicated. I'm past the point where I need to seek OW's H out for help - he knows about the A. Last I knew, he had moved out. I don't know if OW and her H have reconciled. If he contacted me I would certainly talk to him.

It could have been OW checking to see if Phil is in MY bed early on a Sunday morning. I know my Phil well enough to know that if she rejected him, he could be hurt enough to withdraw from her and let her eat her heart out.

He's made it plain enough - there's no question of who loves and cares for Phil more. It's me. The question is whom will Phil choose to love? Whom will he choose to share his life? And if it's me, will I still be around by the time he figures it out?

I've stated it:

• [color:"#065418"]We are not friends. And I don't want to be just casual friends. I might have wanted to still be friends in the past but that isn't going to work for me now.
  
  I want to keep growing and live life. I don't want to let fear of the unknown decide these things for me. I want to marry and have children and experience joys and ups and downs like other people.
  
  I want a life with a good man and likely, a new man wouldn't like me to be holding on to [Phil]. I will not knowingly give the man who would be my husband reasons to question my commitment to him.
  
  So I can be like this for a little while. I appreciate the consideration and support given for me so that I can stay in my home. I honestly think that this was my last chance at that kind of life, but if I do meet a man and something grows into a choice to make a commitment, there will be no turning back to [Phil] for me.[/color]

Trix, I don't know what my time limit is. It's not indefinite though. There are significant dates coming up - my birthday among them. I think my next mental cut-off is Columbus day. And after that? Maybe there won't be an after that. I'm checking out my options a little... Maybe I will be wrong about meeting someone new to make a life with?

Phil is waiting for his lightening bolt all right. He still doesn't know that love is an actionable choice and not something that randomly victimizes us so sweetly and painfully. I could tell him, but I don't think my opinion has much sway just now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Got any ideas for how to get the message through?

Sal

Trix, I missed your other post.

I know. I am not getting any younger. If I called Phil up on the phone and asked him to decide on me or everyone else today, I don't think his answer would be in my favor. Can I honestly say that I expect that to change? No. I can't. I only hope that it will change.

It's nice to think this was his last fling. Maybe in years to come, that is how he will think of it. Regardless of who he marries, I like to think this was the only lesson he needed to learn about fidelity and that he will be faithful and truthful and love his wife as she should be loved.

My hopes are not high. I am realistic. I want the fantasy badly but I am not living in a fantasy. I don't want to make the mistake of loving what makes me cry while what I need passes me by... I don't know any more what I am missing out on - or not. I am making best decisions/guesses with the info I've got.

I don't really know what else to do. And if I may say, you express yourself very clearly to me - or I think you do and I really appreciate your input. If I am being obtuse, hammer on me some more?

Sal

NCWalker kicked my butt over the phone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Thing is, NCW was right about his take too: Phil is doing one of two things - 1. Meeting my needs or 2. Not meeting my needs. It's the latter. Phil is not meeting my needs.

He is of course, still in contact with OW. Maybe he is leaning toward me as Aussie says but he isn't giving up OW either. Or if he is letting go of her as he said and as things seem from his behavior, she isn't letting go of him.

I don't know what I can believe anymore so I'm just going to assume the worst unless proven otherwise.

You know, I keep trying to think of this in terms of business. I keep trying to do what is good for 'our business' and tonight all I am thinking is that in my business we call what Phil is doing putting lipstick on a pig.

He could just leave me alone. There is no commitment between us anymore. There is nothing to tie him to me. He doesn't have to lie to me about her. He already walked out on me and our engagement and everything else we had together. He could just leave me alone and have his life with her. So why doesn't he?

Sally