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Marriage Builders Forums Our Archives Archived Read-Only Posts Inactive: General Questions Plan B failure.....??

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Re: Plan B failure.....?? Snowbelle #1441840 08/03/05 04:31 PM
Joined: May 2003 Posts: 261 H high_road Member
high_road Member H Joined: May 2003 Posts: 261	Quote Highroad ~ that I was dating my future husband and not married was not the point. OK, I understand that wasn't your point, and I do agree that they both have some major work to do individually and as a couple before there's any hope of this or any other R working out for them, but the fact that they are married still must figure into any decisions made at this point.

Re: Plan B failure.....?? high_road #1441841 08/04/05 04:29 PM
Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 1,108 S Snowbelle Member
Snowbelle Member S Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 1,108	OK, its been a few days ... has anyone heard from FoxOr? He's gonna have some 'splainin to do when he gets back!! Hope all is OK, Fox. ~ Snow

Re: Plan B failure.....?? Fox0r #1441843 08/04/05 06:59 PM
Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 10,816 2 2long Member
2long Member 2 Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 10,816	Well, that's a lot of stuff 2 read. I'll agree with her on one thing: She's imma2re. Good luck back at school, fox. Try 2 put your mind on your studies. -ol' 2long

Re: Plan B failure.....?? 2long #1441844 08/05/05 03:03 AM
Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 722 F Fox0r Member
Fox0r Member F Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 722	just bumping this up for others... kind of in a weird mood right now. I'm not really happy, but I'm not horribly sad either - I'm just kind of here. Talked to my wife tonight, didn't really feel an important need to; it brought me no joy - but it didn't really bring me any sadness either; my responses were, for lack of better words, emotionless and didn't mean much to me....maybe a friendship isn't salvagable like I thought it was? I don't know how I feel inside about what has happened anymore...I think I'm incredibly bitter over my wife leaving and giving up on us, but I can't put my finger on it...this is the strangest feeling I've ever felt.. I don't even know if its bitterness - when I sit and think; I feel like I don't care because this girl I look at is an emotionless void that doesn't really mean anything to me anymore...but then I think back on the memories, and I feel sad. Its almost like my wife is dead and I will never be able to look at her physically and see my old wife again? I can't explain what is going on in my mind or my heart right now. I do know that I'm sad when I think about my old wife; and the old days - that makes me more sad than anything, but this person I talk to now; its like talking to that kid at school that just annoys the piss out of everyone and no one wants to be around; but they do it out of courtesy...yet, for some reason, I still talk to her? Ehh... Last edited by Fox0r; 08/05/05 03:06 AM. Me 20 WW 20 Friends since: December 10, 1999 Began Dating: October 29, 2003 Married Feb 13, 2004 D-Day: July 28, 2005 Separated since: June 9, 2005 Now in Plan B - headed for D. Praying on God's guidance and support But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Re: Plan B failure.....?? Fox0r #1441845 08/05/05 03:19 AM
Joined: Jan 2001 Posts: 17,837 O Orchid Member
Orchid Member O Joined: Jan 2001 Posts: 17,837	Hi Fox, What you wrote is what many feel and have felt. The WS kills what was once pure in our hearts. That will never come back. Instead the hard lesson learned will be etched in us for life. We have the opportunity to make our future better for it or let it make us bitter old people. Some of us can't avoid the old people part since we already are but we all can avoid the bitterness part. Fox, I am sure you don't like being reminded you are young and have your life ahead of you but many of us are envious that you have your life ahead of you. Not in a mean way but the fact that your life's lesson came real early. Hard but recovery is definitely easier. In a few years you will understand better what I am saying. As for your W being dead.... she isn't....your W is being held captive by the WS and only the WS can release her. That info can make you very upset at the one who holds the key to her release. You are treading on thin ice whenever you have a convo with a WS. So what to do? Keep away. The one thing the WS does NOT have on their side is time. WS' are like pests whose life are short lived. Eventually it is the WS that will wither away. The status of your W and where you will be is what is currently unknown. What you should do is keep moving forward. Why? Because it is what you must to do survive. Like breathing. Not a choice but a necessity. take care, L.

Re: Plan B failure.....?? Fox0r #1441846 08/05/05 01:24 PM
Joined: May 2005 Posts: 420 L LaLaLa Member
LaLaLa Member L Joined: May 2005 Posts: 420	FoxOr- My counselor said it is what our minds do to protect us from something that is too painful--you go numb. Are you there? Does this apply? It appears to you that you do not care because you are being protected from the pain right now. (((Fox)))

Re: Plan B failure.....?? LaLaLa #1441847 08/05/05 02:41 PM
Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 1,108 S Snowbelle Member
Snowbelle Member S Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 1,108	Fox, THanks for checking in! I was worried about you. As I read about all the things Shannon said and did (the tears and all) all I hear is, "me, me, me" couched in terms that are supposed to make you FEEL like she is concerned about you, too. People don't have to leave a marriage in order to fix themselves. That's her cover story and it's not even a good one. Both of you have said, repeatedly, that you'll be there for each other -- you've even repeated that if she wants to be your wife again that she can. You ARE her backup plan. Of that there is no doubt. But, as you have noticed, your love for her is changing. It is dying. One day she'll wake up and find out that her backup plan has been pulled out from under her and no longer exists. You will not be able to be friends as she so desperately needs you to be (and you feel you must be if there is any hope for a future reconciliation). You might try, but it won't succeed. You'll move on. You've grown. I hope she will indeed work on her personal issues and you on yours. You've learned a lot, Fox. Keep learning and growing. You're going to be all right, though I know it is tough on your heart right now. God bless. ~ Snow

Re: Plan B failure.....?? Snowbelle #1441848 08/05/05 05:54 PM
Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 722 F Fox0r Member
Fox0r Member F Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 722	That sick feeling is coming back - and now I feel depressed. I don't know what to tell her anymore. I don't know if I can be her friend if she leaves, yet I don't know if I can't either. I don't want a divorce still...but I don't even know if I love her anymore. I don't know anything as far as how I'm feeling goes anymore.. ....ugh Me 20 WW 20 Friends since: December 10, 1999 Began Dating: October 29, 2003 Married Feb 13, 2004 D-Day: July 28, 2005 Separated since: June 9, 2005 Now in Plan B - headed for D. Praying on God's guidance and support But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Re: Plan B failure.....?? Fox0r #1441849 08/05/05 08:20 PM
Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 722 F Fox0r Member
Fox0r Member F Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 722	yes...i still love her....it won't go away. Me 20 WW 20 Friends since: December 10, 1999 Began Dating: October 29, 2003 Married Feb 13, 2004 D-Day: July 28, 2005 Separated since: June 9, 2005 Now in Plan B - headed for D. Praying on God's guidance and support But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Re: Plan B failure.....?? Fox0r #1441850 08/05/05 09:44 PM
Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 722 F Fox0r Member
Fox0r Member F Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 722	now out of nowhere i feel extremely angry that she wants to leave. I feel betrayed like never before; I don't see how I still love her and still look at everything we had and smile; yet she backs out and is leaving. I wish these emotions would just go away!! Me 20 WW 20 Friends since: December 10, 1999 Began Dating: October 29, 2003 Married Feb 13, 2004 D-Day: July 28, 2005 Separated since: June 9, 2005 Now in Plan B - headed for D. Praying on God's guidance and support But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Re: Plan B failure.....?? Fox0r #1441851 08/05/05 10:05 PM
Joined: May 2005 Posts: 420 L LaLaLa Member
LaLaLa Member L Joined: May 2005 Posts: 420	Unfortunately, you cannot have a M with someone who does not do her part too. You need to take care of yourself right now and set boundaries that you keep. If it hurts too much to talk to her, then don't. She has made her decision. You would not want to be someone who is not going to give you what you need. You deserve better. This is very hard. Try to keep busy and take care of yourself. IC and ADs would be a really good idea right now. The ADs will make the pain a lot more manageable and give you some respite. They have helped me tremendously.

Re: Plan B failure.....?? LaLaLa #1441852 08/05/05 11:51 PM
Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 169 T timn420 Member
timn420 Member T Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 169	Take a day at a time. Look at how far you have come from just a few weeks ago. While you still have bouts of depression, I can tell that you aren't freaking out as much as in the beginning. The worst part of the process has happened. Everything about your WW is now on the table. Married 3 years Me(BS): 33 WW: 30 D-Day 5/21/05 Divorced - it's over and my life has now begun

Re: Plan B failure.....?? timn420 #1441853 08/06/05 04:18 PM
Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 722 F Fox0r Member
Fox0r Member F Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 722	Eh...now I've gone from being completely okay with what has happened to feeling like my life is spiraling out of control. I can't help but feel like she will never look back on what we had and care again; like it never meant anything to her. She never even tries to keep contact; but she says I'm an important person in her life - somehow I don't think so.. Me 20 WW 20 Friends since: December 10, 1999 Began Dating: October 29, 2003 Married Feb 13, 2004 D-Day: July 28, 2005 Separated since: June 9, 2005 Now in Plan B - headed for D. Praying on God's guidance and support But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Re: Plan B failure.....?? Fox0r #1441854 08/06/05 04:38 PM
Joined: Dec 2000 Posts: 3,454 NJ, USA B BrambleRose Member
BrambleRose Member B Joined: Dec 2000 Posts: 3,454 NJ, USA	Aaron ~ one of the most important lessons I learned in my life was: "What other people think about me is none of my business". I had to learn that lesson because I became trapped in the same pit of stinking thinking you are now. I needed desperately for my husband (then WS) to recognize my "rightness". I based my self worth on whether or not I was important to him. What I have learned since then, is that when I spend time worrying about what other people think about me, that I am not focused on the things in my life that I can control. And when I am not focused on what I can control, my life spins out of control. Thats where you are now. ~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~

Re: Plan B failure.....?? BrambleRose #1441855 08/06/05 07:28 PM
Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 722 F Fox0r Member
Fox0r Member F Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 722	Excellent... Just found out today that my W is dating another man - and that she told her best friend that if things work out with him, she doesn't need me. I guess she plans on spending the rest of her life with this guy she met ONLINE less than a WEEK ago... Remind me please - why is this woman still in my life? And what the heck is wrong with her head? I'm assuming at this point I need to cut her off forever, not even a friendship in my life? For my own protection, should I do this? Me 20 WW 20 Friends since: December 10, 1999 Began Dating: October 29, 2003 Married Feb 13, 2004 D-Day: July 28, 2005 Separated since: June 9, 2005 Now in Plan B - headed for D. Praying on God's guidance and support But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Re: Plan B failure.....?? Fox0r #1441856 08/06/05 07:59 PM
Joined: Mar 2003 Posts: 2,023 T Trix Member
Trix Member T Joined: Mar 2003 Posts: 2,023	You have wanted desparately to believe that she hasn't been a WS even though all the signs have been there. WS's blame the other person and then lie even when faced with proof. Their modus operendi (sp)is deny, deny, and deny again. She wanted you as a back up...thus wanting until the 13th or whatever to decide. You were better off when you attempted your one day of Plan B. That had the most positive effect on her as anything. Even her mother got involved to make sure you were waiting in the wings. Unfortunately, it was all probably just a ruse to use you. Or use you as a back up. Could she still be after some of that education grant money or SS? She was afraid to lose the fix from Aaron to know that her world was still her way. Selfish Shannon. However difficult it is for you, you need to get geared up to go back to Pullman and get on with your life. There is a book called 'Three Minute Therapy', by Edelstein. It's based on Rational Emotive Therapy. It is something you can do for yourself that will help you take responsibility for how you react to situations and other people. It would go along nicely with what Bramble Rose was trying to explain to you. You need to learn to not be so ruled by your emotions and moods and find peace in the moment. Again I will recommend that you try a little 30 min meditation-self observation exercise. You can listen to it for free at www.fhu.com. It is called 'Be Still and Know'. It is also something you can teach yourself. Hope you can find peace, rest, and then empowerment to do what needs to be done to move to a more positive place in your life and grow from this experience. You can't fix or save Shannon. Married 1976 Me:BS Him:FWS MB Weekend March 2003 2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82

Re: Plan B failure.....?? Fox0r #1441857 08/06/05 10:47 PM
Joined: Jan 2001 Posts: 17,837 O Orchid Member
Orchid Member O Joined: Jan 2001 Posts: 17,837	Quote Excellent... Just found out today that my W is dating another man - and that she told her best friend that if things work out with him, she doesn't need me. I guess she plans on spending the rest of her life with this guy she met ONLINE less than a WEEK ago... Remind me please - why is this woman still in my life? And what the heck is wrong with her head? I'm assuming at this point I need to cut her off forever, not even a friendship in my life? For my own protection, should I do this? Fox, Do you really need friends like that in your life? L.

Re: Plan B failure.....?? Orchid #1441858 08/06/05 11:21 PM
Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 722 F Fox0r Member
Fox0r Member F Joined: Jun 2005 Posts: 722	no orchid...i don't. Me 20 WW 20 Friends since: December 10, 1999 Began Dating: October 29, 2003 Married Feb 13, 2004 D-Day: July 28, 2005 Separated since: June 9, 2005 Now in Plan B - headed for D. Praying on God's guidance and support But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Re: Plan B failure.....?? Fox0r #1441859 08/06/05 11:49 PM
Joined: Jun 2002 Posts: 290 W Was Sad Tiger Member
Was Sad Tiger Member W Joined: Jun 2002 Posts: 290	Fox-man... Personally, I prefer roller coasters at Six Flags - not the emotional ones. Anti-depressants really help smooth things out during these times. I can tell you that I know how you feel. Most of us know how you feel. We can read your posts and see ourselves in there. I can assure you that it WILL get better. I promise you that! You are going to come out of all of this a much stronger and better man. Remember - Cary Grant - cool... calm... collected... Have you seen "His Girl Friday" yet? Manly hugs to you, Fox0r. WST

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