Last night another big unproductive talk with wh blaming and blaming....I caught a glimpse of what the true issue probably is, and its such a big one the actual EA pales in comparison.

Its the dysfuction of his childhood home life, his inability to see he has responsibility for his own self, his victim attitude, his inability to deal with problems, his inability to FORGIVE, his ability to deflect responsibility, use denial and blame others, to be hurtful and spiteful to me who loves him, as a defense to protect himself. He doesn't see the sabotage he's creating in himself.

It just breaks my heart because I caught a glimpse of the painful wounds and there isn't anything I can do for him. All that is out of my control and all I can do is pray, and then I will have to know when enough is enough if he can't move toward healing. To me, its much more serious than an A, but because I am married to him I'm going to have to work very hard to know the difference between my true responsibility and when he's blaming me, because for a long time I guess I took it. its hard to tell when I'm a mess as well. I'm dealing with my own depravity, I'm somewhere between step 1 and 3. and developing more faith then I ever thought possible.

I have discovered the abundant life, and that is I can live and depend on God even with everything I have ever done wrong and will do wrong, God wants to heal me and I don't have to be perfect. I am so thankful that I can be free of my own depravity, and I am assured a pain-free joyful existance for all eternity once I live through this hellish trial of life in a sinfilled fallen depravity that we live in. It doesn't sound encouraging but it is. I hope that my WH can find it too. He's not hit the bottom yet (step 1 of the 12 steps of spiritual recovery)

Hi whattagirl,

It's been said that an A is a "symptom" of an underlying problem within the marriage but I would go a step further and say it's a symptom of what's wrong with the WS.A marriage,as all of us here know,can be whatever you want it to be.If it fails it is because the two spouses(or one) have failed it in some way.So the idea that a marriage is to blame(among other things) for these WS's choices to cheat has always upset me.

There's no doubt that we all bring "baggage" to our relationships but it's how we deal with these issues that is most important.It is sad when someone isn't even aware of their issues and that is when,I think,we see marriages fail.That is the prime area for issues to arise since you are intimately living and interacting with someone on a daily basis and all your traits and character "flaws" are presented.It's why A's flourish because interaction is stolen,fleeting,periodic and the OP never gets to see the full picture.At least not right away.

Your WH may contune down his self destructive path looking for answers in all the wrong places for who knows how long but it's his journey.Unfortunately you are along for the ride but you don't have to be forever,that is the positive side.It's hard to see our loved ones be self destructive and hurting but they are also very much adults who can make their lives better if they so choose.It really isn't your respionsibility to get your WH into a place where he will seek out forgievness or help.He has to do that himself,100%.I am sure you know that already.But that doesn't mean you have to endure a sad and depraved life because of him.For some people,losing what meant most to them is the fastest, most efficient way to get their lives on track.Other's never can change.You will never be responsible for his choices though.

I don't know your whole story or what is going on fully but I do sympathize with you.I do hope you and your WH can reach a point of mutual undertanding and love.I too believe in Gods' ever lasting presence and guidance.It has seen me through everything and I feel good about my life despite my past he** here on earth(A).

Good luck to you~

O

i believe that is what is disturbing is because he's got the free will and may not choose what is best, and I can't help him any bit. I'm learning what I'm responsible for and will have to cut free what I'm not responsible for.

I can relate to your situation and for me I had to let go. Your description of your H sounds like mine with the childhood stuff, etc. My H will sit here and tell me he is disgusted with his life and the things he has done, has no self respect (that is obvious), is so unhappy, etc... Happiness is a choice. He needs to get up off of his butt and go get some help or choose to live differently. He is using it as an excuse to continue his destructive behavior. I could not help him. He can only help himself. He didn't want my help. And he was bringing me down. we have separated and he has moved out. He may just end up living in the gutter I do not know. He is not far from that now. But I had to wash my hands of him. May sound cruel but I refuse to be treated the way I was anymore. Plan B. If he couldn't work on our marriage and live with the boundaries he was to leave and he did. His family is coming in 2 weeks to talk with him and see if they can get him to get help and stop living like trash. Probably won't help but I do pray it does. He was a good person once. We started out really well. I do not know what happened. But I am better off without him right now. Sad but true. You will have to decide what is best for you. Hugs, mlhb