I was raped by my uncle as a child 23 years ago.I remember the rape about 5 years ago and I did put it away until few months ago It came back to hunt me. I am having so much problem dealing with this issue. I hated man for so long and promise myself to never get involve with one. I am now married for 8 yrs and had a affair over two yrs. My husband and I are going through counseling to safe the marriage. I have so much on my plate and I need some guidance. I am so sick to my stomach all the time and I do not know how to express myself or even communicate well with my husband.

Baba, welcome to MB. So sorry for the hurt you suffered as a child, it angers me so much to hear of a child that has been taken advantage of by an adult. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Does your H know about the A? I am glad you are in MC but have you had any IC? How long has the A been over? Are you completely NC with the OM?

Welcome to MB! You've come to the right place for help and healing. Please let us know where things are with your marriage so that we can help. Note: I too was involved in a 1.5-yr affair and have since returned to be in a happier marriage w/ my hubby than I can remember in a long, long, long time!

Again, I'm so glad you're here. Please keep posting.

Baba - we use a lot of code here that you might be unfamilair with. Some of the code faithful is using stands for: MarriageBuilders, Individual Counseling, No Contact, Other Man

You will get used to the abbreviations.

Welcome to MB! Sorry you have to be here.

You REALLY need to get individual counseling for the rape. Plus - many folks here will understand and be able to offer support.

I have just prayed that God would wrap his hands around you, and that you will feel it.

Check here often, and write as often as you can. You are safe here.

Good job taking this first step.

far

Baba - also - you might consider changing the title of your post to something that is topical, and that you think the veterans might relate to. Just a thought. I would like to see a lot of vets weight on this most crucial post.

far

Dear Baba, I’m SO glad you have found this website and decided to reach out for help…

Baba, I’m a survivor of sexual child abuse myself (including rape from an uncle). If you are not in therapy & counseling for the sexual child abuse (rape) yet, I urge you to please go to a professional counselor who specializes in this field. Individual counseling is absolutely crucial and a must for your personal healing & recovery from the sexual abuse. You need the help, guidance and assistance from a professional person. This is the MOST IMPORTANT step you need to take right now.

You will find the following thread helpful and insightful (just click on the link):

For Sexual abuse survivors who are WS

The above thread also contains helpful & insightful links to other websites. Please take a look at it. I think there are also references to specific self-help books. A specific one I remember is The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz.

Baba, as you have already experienced, sexual child abuse results in a low self-esteem and many other negative feelings in people as children AND adults. It often has an effect on the minds and emotional stability of people as grown ups and these things can create certain weaknesses & vulnerabilities that can make them more vulnerable for an A. The following threads will give you more insight and understanding in this (just click on the links):

Sexual abuse undermining marriage?

Was sexual abuse part of the affair?

Abuse victims are more likely to have relationship problems, sexual dysfunction, low self esteem, trust issues and so on and this is especially true for sexual abuse survivors. All of those problems are key factors in infidelity. And sadly, it usually takes a serious event (like betrayal) to wake up the person and make him/her realize that they need help... My betrayal finally gave me the wake up call that I needed to get help for my childhood issues.

However, in spite of all the negative consequences, devastation and damage from sexual abuse, there is always hope! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> These personal issues & problems CAN be overcome and the survivors of sexual abuse CAN heal and take control of themselves and their life’s again, but often it first requires a deep understanding of themselves and the help and guidance of a good professional therapist. As I’ve already stated, individual counseling is a must.

Blessings and prayers to you,
Suzet

I just wanted to say thanks for all your responses. How do I get beyond the affair and the rape? I love the affair and not the marriage. I am now in counseling with my husband and we both decided to do individual counseling.

Baba - OK - you just asked a heavy question. It is actually two questions. As Suzet said, dealing with the rape is your #1 thing here. You will only start to unravel that when you get into IC. ASAP

The affair - well - get ready. You asked, and the people here are experts at this. And this is a forum for saving marriages. Affairs are the enemy. Listen to what they say - if you want to save the marriage. If there is hope for it - your best advice will come from these people.

My prayers are for you.

far

By your comment..


I take it you are still in contact with the OM,,, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I am not involve with the affair. I just fell free for the first time in my life with a man. I have distant myself from man and not lettng any one get close to me. I put all man in the same category as evil and I did not want anything to do with them. My husband has suffer a lot because he was my first serious relationship and I took all my anger at him. I want to make him happy and myself happy.

What is your native language?

My native language is Kru.(West Africa)

Thanks for the reply. My H do know about the A. I am completely out of the A. My H and I was doing counseling together but now we are seeking separate counseling. I need to deal with the rape issue because it is the root of the entire affair. I am not saying I am right about the affair. My H did not deserve my A. I am responsible entirely and I am willing to do anything to save the marriage. My H is a very loving. caring, protector and a very good human. It is so hard to re live the rape. It makes me so sick and wants to vomit. I hate so much to talk about it but I know it will help in the long run.

Baba...HUGS! This will be a long road for you but you will be so much better for it at the end.

I'm sorry I don't know how to help. But know there is a higher power than can restore you to sanity....and who will forgive you and give you power to let go some of your baggage.

take care.

Thanks ever so much for the links. It was very helpful.I am sorry for not replying earlier. English is not my first language so I hate writing in english. I do want you to understand my writing when I post. I am not encourage to write but if I have to I will. My H and I were in counseling together but since I reviewed the rape we've been going to separate counseling. Today i had a session and when I got home I actually broke down for the first time.Right now I feel so horrible and depress. I want to feel alive and feel love. I want to welcome all kisses and hugs. My heart does not feel and I hate to be touch, hug or kiss. I am so numb to those feelings. I am looking forward to the day when I welcome all those feelings.I also want to be able to trust my partner and let him into my world. I just do not trust men in general and I hated them for a very long time. My H was the fisrt man I ever live with. He took all my nonsense and I want to rebuild the marriage and be happy with him. He is a very good H and I want us to be happy.

Dear Baba, please know that we are here for you... Whenever you have the need to talk or reach out for help, we are here to listen and provide help & support where we can.

(((HUGS)))

Suzet

This is a bump. I haven't read the thread (I promised not to) but my beloved WS is reaching out for support, maybe for the first time in her life. I'm hoping you guys will help her in the same way you've helped me. Thanks.

Baba,

I was also raped by an uncle. It started when I was four and continued until I was eight. I also repressed my memory of it until I was thirty, (four years ago). I know it is very, very tough to go through remembering. It all comes to the surface as if it just happened. When I started remembering, I cried almost non-stop, I threw up a lot, I had all sorts of disabling physical symptoms. All the emotions came out that hadn't been expressed when I was young. I want you to know that I am happy now. For the first time in my life, I am happy to be alive, I love my life. I love my husband now, and I even love sex now. I used to get triggered all the time, even by simple hugs. That doesn't happen anymore. The lingering effects of the trauma are gone. (Well, mostly gone!) The releasing that you are doing now is the only way to heal. "The only way out is through" is what I told myself when it got really bad. There is hope for you, I promise! I never would have thought that I could be as happy as I am now.

If there is any support I can offer you, any questions you have for me, please let me know.