I went to a wonderful dinner with my wife, she made me feel so good “SPECIAL” she started opening up telling me more things…didn’t think she was going to do that. The most interesting thing was she told me her thoughts as to how the A happened. I knew her and the OM where close friends and he was also a business confidant but after he left his position with the company they both worked at, my WS felt a greater loss and thought she wouldn’t see him again, when he came back and they went for dinner, they had wine and told each other how much they missed each other and one thing led to another. “She told me I wasn’t looking for it, it just happened and I’m sorry.”

I told her, usually when one spouse has broken their VOW’s they become less meaning full and it becomes more likely that it could happen again. She replied “You know me better than that and I promise it well never happen again, besides I just couldn’t do it again after what has happened.” Her eyes where very gloss and almost ready to cry; I told her that meant an awful lot to me.

My question to my friends here is: If you had an A and where very distraught about it, would that make your VOW’s meaning full and prevent a future occurrence?

I am sorry but her comment that she was not looking for an affair and it just happened is simply not true. A person makes deliberate choices. Nothing just happens withhout a person making a conscious choice to break their wedding vows, put their marriage at great risk and put their spouse at a health risk for STD's. The comment that is just happened implies that there was nothing they could have done to stop it and that some type of supernatural force allowed it to occur. What a bunch of balony.
By the way studies I have read previously indicate that a spouse that cheats is far more at risk cheating again that a spouse that has never cheated. I would suggest strongly marriage counseling to understand exactly why your spouse made a deliberate choice to engage in cheating, lying and betraying you. My friend it did not "just happen". It happened because your wife wanted it to happen. I wish you luck.

I understand what you’re saying but she seemed very sincere about hurting me and telling me it will never happen again. Are you telling me that she is just handing me a line?

Hello again,

I do not know you or your wife but it is indeed a classic line of a WS to say it just happened. It is also classic line of a WS to say it just was not worth it and because of the consequences of the affair it will never occur again. It may or may not be true. What I am getting at is this marriage counseling is a must to understand why this happened really in the first place. By avoiding this discussion it makes another affair down the line a much greater probability. Look how could she not know what would happen if she engaged in a sexual affair? Did she think you would not be hurt and you would be dancing in the street?

This was very serious what she has done to you and your marriage. A serious examination is in order to understand why this happened and why it should never happen again. Sweeping it under the rug saying "oh well it just happened and I promise it will not happen again" is ridiculous. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would accept such a statement from you? You are believing everything she is telling you because you want to believe it. Again things just don't happen without deliberate choices being made.

My WS told me all along before the A that the OM was a good friend, I told her at one point he was getting too close…But when he left her place of employment, she told me that there was no one within her company that took her seriously. I felt very bad for her and when the OM returned to our state for business, she asked me if they could go out to dinner. I told her it would OK…Not know what would happen. My relationship with my WS became strange and we fought more than usual. My WS told me she feel in-love with him but was still very much in-love with me, she was very confused…She told me that her and the OM discussed how this affected their marriages and my W told me that it was extremely hard on her.

She told me yesterday that she knows how hard this has been on me and it’s tearing her up inside.

I want to believe that she is not handing me a line…Kind of funny but I do believe her.

I am a FWW. I can tell you I "did not" want my A to happen. I have sworn to my H to never let an A happen again to us. I am starting to understand "How" it happened. I was very emotionally vulnerable due to my EN, and was easy pickings for a "shark" in the water with who had an agenda from the moment we met. I have never had the opportunity in my adult life to date since I've always been married or in a serious relationship and did not recognize when I was being seduced in a subtle way. Yes, I take responsibility but by understanding helps. And I think by your wife opening up shows she’s bearing her soul, love and vulnerability to you. My re-commitment to our marriage vows and to my H is stronger than ever. We’re working together everyday to mend the wounds, and everyday we grow closer. I love my husband, I’ve never stopped loving my husband. One of the major questions I had in regards to the A was “Why did this happen… I love my husband??” So I know how you wife feels HLRomantic. This is a good thing so enjoy…

Undo

Average sincere, more or less. A great many WW feel this kind of sorry. For a while.

My FWW cried real tears and told me how sorry she was and promised in front of witnesses it would never happen again, several times after D-Day 1.

All while she was still in her LTA. And the A continued for another 5 years.

It may sound odd, but I think she meant it when she said it. Was the addiction that strong? Maybe, I don’t know. I think she just wanted what she wanted. And she wanted everything, no matter how contradictory.

I have extreme difficulty believing her when she says how sorry she is now, tears flowing or not.

I recommend counceling and a lot of accountability for a long, long time.

Edit: FWW also says, both then and now, she never stopped being "in" love with me, and still is. (Same difficulty as above.)

Undo,

Being someone that has you experience is very important to me in my understanding, so I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

My WS told me the A was over about 3 months before I found out. When I found out our marriage was at its highest point in more than a year, so the whole thing was very devastating. I still wakeup in the middle of the night dreaming of what happened. We have both comforted each other over the last month…Funniest thing is she seem closer to me today than before D-day.

My questions to you Undo are:

How are you doing?

So far you agree with my wife’s comments and that’s very important to me. I believe are marriage is not only on the mend but strangely becoming stronger than it has ever been.

What would you like your H to do?

Hi HLR,

I agree with Bryan.Your WW has to look at why she made the CHOICE to cheat to solve her problems not the excuse that "it just happened".That not only isn't taking responsibility for what she did but is avoiding the real issues(s).

You do have to take what your WS says with a grain of salt so to speak because as much as they may sound sincere,it may not always be true and it's a very hard pill to swallow.You WANT to believe them,you NEED to believe them.And as much as WS's can try to blame other's it will ALWAYS come down to CHOICE.If you have some shark or barracuda swimming around you that wants to get you for whatever reason then it is YOU that allows it.No one can force you to do anything that you don't want sans holding a gun to your head.Boundaries are crossed every day because you allow them to be,vows are broken because you allow them to be.It's a failure to protect that which you supposedly hold dear.In your case,your WW didn't hold dear her wedding vows,your marriage,your family,your love.

I'm not saying you cannot recover from the A and that your WW may not be able to be the kind of W she could be for you and should have been for you prior to the A but your trust has been obliterated and it will take a LONG time to regain it back,if you can.In my case,my WH promised me so many things too and I can't tell you how many false recoveries we went through.Two major false recoveries that I will never forget the pain of and several other "mini" ones where he kept attempting to convince me of his honesty only to be found out again about what a liar and cheat he was.

It takes an extraordinary person to come back from being a WS and being the kind of person that a marriage deserves and a faithful spouse deserves,some of which are the wonderful FWS's we have here on this board today.

The only way,IMO,to prevent another A from happening again is to know the why's of the previous A and put strict boundaries in place.But,I am not a WS so I am only able to give my opinion on how I think a WS should go about being faithful from this point on.

O

HLRomantic, you must know by now... no one here can answer your question. I am a FWW, I am very sincere when I tell my H that I love him and i am sorry, i am not giving him a line. whether or not your W is, no one here can determine.

people do make terrible mistakes and people can change, but changing does takes effort.

one of the best things my H did shortly after d-day 1 was insist i go into IC, he didn't have to insist hard, i was very open to it.

without IC, i'm not sure i would of made it to d-day 2 (maybe i would of with the help of those here).

without IC, i certainly would not have finally addressed the underlying issues.

in my case, without IC, i would of had no chance at truely recovering and therefore, no chance of being a healthy partner for my H.

i believe your wife can be very sincere and yet she still needs to dig deep down to understand what, in her, allowed her to break her vow to you.

Absolutely. You have to know "why" it happened. First, this helps reduce the change of a second A.

But also, it addresses some fundamentals problems in the M. (This isn't to blame you for the A...)

Why were you and she so out of touch with each other? What was she *not* telling you about the way she feels? What can you and she do to improve the connectivity?

HL

my OM was a great friend too. Its a VERY common issue when you allow yourself to become too close to a member of the opposite sex.

Firstly the affair did not 'just happen' and 'one thing did not just lead to another'.

It didn't years ago when I was dating and I bet it didn't years ago when your WS was single & dating either.

NO. I chose to act the way I did, and your WS chose to act the way she did.

No excuses. NO soft soap. Guilty as charged.

Remorse and regret????? ..you BET. BIG TIME.
Would I cut out my own heart to give to my beloved H to end his pain? YES a 1000 times yes!!
BUT I CANNOT.
Though I caused his pain I cannot do much to ease it besides show love and understanding and give him support when he needs and wants it - and ans truthfully all his questions over and over and over.
He has to heal himself and its so unfair to him! Sadly so do you. But your wife can help.

I really didn't have to tell my H at all about the affair. It was over before he got home. BUT I suspect my own actons would have given it away eventually and as it was...I exposed myself - deliberately as I now acknowledge - because of guilt and shame and probably a bit of a dark nasty need to hurt him.

Much of what your WS says about it 'just happening' is likely a mistaken belief that you will be hurt less if she softens the truth a bit. Its hard to hear YOUR wife, YOUR woman chose another man over you, gave HER body to another.

It strikes deeply into the male psyche and is why its so hard to rebuld again.

I suggest you need to have a deep long think about WHAT you need to know, why, and how you will deal with it. Imagine the worst and think about how it would affect you. In your own case you make not WANT to know exact details of what went on, other men need that.
But it hurts, its hard and the pain to both of you is immense.

Counselling is almost a must I think. But you need to choose one whose primary goal is to keep you married to each other. Too many think its ok to divorce, or you should just get over it. Someone with a lot of experience in infidelity is the best.
Thought of using the Harleys here??????

Your WS MUST be in No Contact, must maintain NC with OM for EVER.

NO healing will begin until that one thing is done.

Your WS DOES SOUND REMORSEFUL from your post but unless you get the truth and she takes ownership of HER choices then the M cannot heal or be rebuilt.

Do you think she may want to come her and discuss this with us other ex WS??? It took a lot for me to understand I had to be truthful. I thought if I protected my H from the truth it wouldn't hurt him as much ..big mistake. All he thought was that I was a liar AGAIN!! and yes I was frightened to tell him to.

Please read this site and all you can ...it can be of great help

AW

HLR

If it 'just happened', what's to stop it 'just happening' again?

Contrary to popular opinion, lightning does indeed strike the same place more than once.

With great frequency, in fact

HLR,

Undo is my wife and I can tell you that I truly believe what she says. No, I don't think it excuses her actions, but I believe her when she says that she won't do it again and the remorse and guilt she feels is genuine. At least we can start down the path of healing.

I have hopes for you and feel that if you see the same thing in her eyes that I see in Undo's then your heart will tell you if it's true.

Thank you HLRomantic…I’m so happy I can help. Possibly we can help each other… D-day has just passed the 1 month mark. So things are still very fresh. I am doing better, thanks to my husband. He is the most understanding, insightful, loving man I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet, and so glad he’s giving me a second chance. I’ve been going through some incredible strong feelings or remorse, bewilderment, guilt, self doubt, helplessness, self-hate, disgust of myself, stupidity, feeling dirty, used… conned. I can go on and on… I have not yet have come to terms with myself, and am still in a state of shock.


But my husband has found us this website on D-day looking for answers, which was a godsend… He’s done tones of research, He looked and made the appt. for our MC. He’s bought the book. He supports me and tries to see things from my prospective, and tried to help me understand why this happened. This is also a healing process for him as well. He sits and talks to me in a non-accusing or quiet tone. He’s been working with me to open up more. (I’ve always had issues with communication, not that I don’t want to but don’t always know how) Most of all he tells me he loves me, and keeps reassuring me of his love, as I do him.

We have actually started going out… One of my EN’s that were not met was Recreational Companionship… And I can now see that and so can he. During my A. I can remember feeling… I wish this was my H…

I have done NC with the OM, got rid of all material triggers, devoted my life to my husband and to recovery. I’m trying to be the strong one, trying not to add to his pain by bringing up painful subjects… or triggers. I’m eagerly willing to do or try anything he thinks is important to us. He has told me that he “needs” to hear the “I Love You’s” since he is feeling insecure about my infidelity, and I gladly shower him with them… I know this is a long road for us… and I know I have a lot of work to do on my own…

My e-mail is mypooky@yahoo.com if you’d like to keep in touch privately as well.

Hang in there…
Undo

Undo,

Can I make a suggestion? You are a WS...and having contact privately with a man who is greiving is not the best way to show your H you are trying to make amends...this in fact may hurt him.

I stay in private contact with a few of the ladies on here, but would never have private contact with any of the men on here - not because anything would happen - but because out of respect for my H. there is even a couple on here both my H and I talk to often, and I NEVER add him to my MSN messenger - when we all play together, we we all be in a chat room together, but I never add him seperately out of respect.

I know it's great to help people and rely on them, but as a WS, the first thing you have to ALWAYS ask yourself is - will it make my H uncomfortable.

Sorry to but in...I just wanted to comment on it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

((HUGS))

Did she also tell you she couldn't believe she did it the first time? How long did this affair last? Did every communication between them 'just happen'? Di all the planning required for there rendezvous's 'just happen'?

Don't let her get away with this. I heard the same things from my WW and it is still 'just happening' six months later.

Undo,

""You are a WS...and having contact privately with a man who is greiving is not the best way to show your H you are trying to make amends...this in fact may hurt him.""

I totally agree. In fact I raised an eyebrow when HFR asked for your email!? Not a good idea.

k

EDITED TP READ: HLR..sorry!

Point well taken krusht and Dorry... DUH. Didn't think that way... I was only trying to help. I agree.. and now feel bad because I didn't think of that first... Sorry Honey (Hopeful4future).

Undo