My wife claims it’s possible to be in-love with two men at the same time. She also told me that her love was different for both of us, but the OM filled needs I didn’t. She said she can’t explain it and said the only way I would know is to have an A myself?

Which brings me to my main point, how can you make love to someone while married to someone else? I feel if I where to try I wouldn’t be able to perform and would get sick!

How?

First off I would put no value and no thought into a WS using the word love....

WS change the definitions of words to accomodate and rationalize actions that are in exact opposite to the real definition of love....

time spent trying to convince them (or power struggling as I LOVE to call it...is futile) is wasted time....

BUT
what we do know is that pretty much everyones brain is CAPABLE of changing reality in their head to survive things...

we know that people have endured horrific things through survival means.....

and I believe that people's brain change the reality of their own actions and choices to survive things like infidelity as well...

in other words they change their thinking process and turn 'wrongs' in to 'rights' so that they can continue their 'wrongs' and diminish the impact and reality....

compartalmentalizing

seperating their actions with their OP to be something totally seperate and non effecting their actions with their spouses...

creating division of two seperate worlds....

these are survival techniques....to accomodate an affair...and are pretty standard in the world of affairs...

i didn't want to hurt you
i didn't try to hurt you

it didn't have anything to do with you

blah blah blah.......

don't buy it
don't agree with it...
don't power sturggle it..
don't ACCEPT it...

point out it inconsistancie every chance you get without blame...
without argueing
without anger...

don't agree to disagree..
state your unwillingness to accept or believe

people in affairs change the definitions of lots of words...
just ask Mr. Clinton.....

BS fall in to their own fog when they start to believe WS fog...keep the fog detectors turn way up high..cause you are going to need them....

ARK<

I believe it is possible to be in love with two people at once. It may not be right or fair or ideal, but INVHO, it is possible. Just because she is a WS doesn't mean that EVERYTHING she says is a lie.

Just my two cents. Thanks for listening.

"Just because she is a WS doesn't mean that EVERYTHING she says is a lie."

Oh yes it does. Until proven otherwise.

But if you really believe that a WS cannot tell the truth then what is the point of trying to reconcile.

Please, I am not trying to pick a fight, I am just curious how you can justify reconciling if you cannot believe anything the other person says.

I was totally in love with a girl once who lied to me constantly and cheated on me numerous times. Looking back on the situation, I must now believe that not everything she said was a lie.

Actually, as I am typing this, I totally see your point.

That was weird. The lightbulb just went off in my head.

Sorry for rambling. I see your point.............I do.

I'm all messed up.......sorry.

Love is Patient, love is Kind. It does Not Envy, it does Not Boast, it is Not Proud. It is Not Rude, It is Not Self-Seeking, it is Not Easily Angered, it Keeps No Record of Wrongs. Love does Not Delight in Evil, but Rejoices in the Truth. It Always Protects, Always Trusts, Always Hopes, Always Perseveres.


- I Corinthians 13:4-7 -


ARK

THAT was funny. I am laughing out loud. I needed that.

Thanks, KJ.

(chuckling as I click)

Love also confuses and blinds all of us.........does it not?

not by definition
not by God's law

and nope, I would argue that love empowers us to want to strive to be even better than we are......

ARK

HLRomantic

"She also told me that her love was different for both of us, but the OM filled needs I didn’t.

I thought I was in love with 2 men at the same time. I say thought because on D-Day, my OM lay in a coma dying. I was worried about him but I was more concerned/scared over losing my husband. That's when it hit me, I don't "love" him like I would my husband. After he recovered, and he'd recieved a NC letter from me. I didn't even miss him a whole lot... Again I thought.. Mmmm I thought I'd miss him more. But that's because I love my husband and maybe it wasn't what I really thought.

But after taking a step back. I think it was a form of strong infatuation... addiction to the new attention. Yes I liked the attention. He was telling me "everything" I wanted to hear. But he also had an agenda... he knew what he wanted.

"She said she can’t explain it and said the only way I would know is to have an A myself?"

I can honestly say, While my A was going on I felt horrible the whole time... and there were times where I almost wished he's had an A just to make me feel better. I know now that was anxiety and irrational thinking during a horrible time. Your wife sounds confused as to how she can love 2 men... sure you're different. I said the same thing. But When I analized myself and the OM and his intentions it helpded me put things into perspective.


Hope this insight helps..

Undo

Somewhat Like Undo, my fwh said the "love" feeling was different for me, even during the affair.


My FWH loved hearing, oh you're right, your wifes mean to you. Problem is, in his heart, he knew he was just as mean and just as responsible. He wanted someone to take his side, even if it wasn't the whole truth.

He's also said he enjoyed being looked up to. Like wow, you're somehting. I make as much as him, she was much younger and was living barely paycheck to paycheck.

They only had a PA for less than a week, but we are blantantly honest with each other. He says that it did cross his mind, not to tell me what he'd done, and continue to have her on the side. He's said that he never considered To Himself that he would leave me.

Now he says, and I think most eventurally see, it's not love, at very most a type of puppy love commonly seen in junior high.

here is some info from another save your marraige site i'm on (it also referrs to dr. harley's theory's)


"There are three states of what we call romantic love in our society. They are all designed to keep the human race alive and genetically healthy on the planet. They can occur simultaneously, one can lead to another, or they can happen completely independently. With the exception of one (which I'll talk about in a sec) they can be felt for more than one person at a time.

These three states create emotional feelings that are driven by the chemicals that occur in the brain. Those chemicals make us feel something towards the person who triggered them - and those feelings are what we call love.

The first is lust - this is the drive that makes us make babies. This keeps the human race going. I think we all get what this one is.

The second is romantic love - the feeling that is characterized by the need to be with someone or talk to them all the time. It is an obsessive state - when we can't stop thinking about the other person. This is the state that can only be felt for one person at a time.

Romantic love lasts for about 3 years (without intervention).

The third stage is attachment. This is the deep contentment, warm, connected, feelings we have for each other. This stage lasts for 20+ years and is designed to keep parents together through the late childhood and teenage years -

What happens in an affair is that the romantic drive is triggered and the feelings are so intense that they overwhelm and outweigh the feelings of attachment. This is why people having affairs almost without fail say, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you..." They are comparing the intensity of the chemically driven obsession with the warm and loving attachment they have for their mate.

But attachment is the reason they can't simply walk away from the marriage. Attachment - as its name implies - goes very deep. Lust we can destroy - we all know that ! Romantic passion - ditto . But attachment - that's another thing entirely. Attachment is forever.

That's why old lovers pose the greatest danger to a marriage and why it is so crucial that affair partners permanently end all contact. Attachment will keep open a pathway to lust and romantic love and be a threat to the marriage.

How to get over a lover? End all contact. Let the chemicals clear out of the brain. And then replace them with chemistry triggered by someone else - hopefully a spouse.

The other thing to consider is that an affair is new and exciting. We can't fully recreate that novelty with our mate. But we can do things to trigger the same types of brain chemistry and therefore those feelings - if we're willing to do the work."

Great post eav1967, your post explains the different types of love and how it relates to betrayal very thoroughly! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

HLRomantic, you can also read this post I’ve sent a while ago to give you more insight. (My betrayal was not physical, but the post will still be helpfull).