My H and I were talking and I told him that I wasn't sure he understood how exactly devastaing his A is on me. He said that he thinks that I don't understand his devistation. He is right, I have been a bit self involved with my emotions I am curious what the BS is feeling. (the A is over and there is NC withdrawal is over too) Any insite from those who have betrayed?

Sorry, but I'm confused. The title of your post is different than the post. Are you asking how the WS feels or how the BS feels?

sorry about that...I the BS would like to know how WS is affected by the A.
~LT

A truly remorseful WS is devestated that they hurt the one they love, that they disappointed themselves and let themselves down, that they lost all integrity and broke all morals that meant anything to them. THey feel like the biggest pieces of crap in the world.

Every time we look at our BS's we feel horrible hurt and pain and remorse for putting them through what they are going through, only want to somehow help take that pain away, but knowing we caused it and probably can't take it away.

Every time the BS gets upset, we feel that horrible pang of devestation knowing that they are upset because of US - that we CAUSED that pain, that we DESTROYED that person we love so much - that it wasn't a crazy event or someone else..it was US that did it.

We can't believe that we EVER let ourselves cross the line, we degrade ourselves, tell ourselves how STUPID we are, that we are unworthy of any forgiveness, as we are the lowest of low people...no one would hurt the ones they love if they really loved them..but we do really love them, so HOW could we hurt them - nothing makes sense...the only thing that makes sense is that we are BAD people (which we arent)

We look back and see that yes - there was some good times in the A, but luckily those times are tainted because when we look back we see a time that was the CAUSE of where we are today, and looking back disgusts us, as we have to look at WHO WE WERE during that time...and we feel so ashamed, so embarrassed. We wonder how we became those people, if we are doomed to be a person like that forever...knowing we aren't like that - not knowing who we are...

Then we think of the should ofs and the could ofs and the what ifs...all the things we should have done before we got to that point - we obsess them...knowing that what's done is done...how we wish we could go back and do things the RIGHT way...but we can't - we are doomed.

We are scared too - as we know now we can REALLY loose the one we love, and the one we KNOW we want to be with...all because of what WE did...we wonder if they will ever know how we really feel, what the remorse is like...if they will ever understand how TRULY sorry we are...we want to show them SO badly...but they can't see it as they are so hurt and angered by what we did to them...We feel horrible, missundertood, guilty, and just want so much to be understood and comforted too, but we know it's NOT about us anymore...so we focus on what we can keep doing for our BS's...and try to deal with what we did and heal ourselves.

A TRULY remorseful WS may not go through the pain of a BS, but they go through ALOT of pain none the less, and the A is very devestating to them as well...the fall out of the A...

Dorry

You said that beautifully. I think in retrospect my H has been saying just that in bits and pieces. It really hasn't gotten thorough to me until I just read it completely from you. Another question though...If the WS feels like that why is it so common when reading these posts that they most likely will have an A again. I think that is why I chose not to believe in his pain, I don't want to get hurt again down the line.

~LT

Well it's a weakness that will always be there. As much as I have changed and vowed it will never happen, the truth is I vowed it wouldn't happen the first time. When ALL the right conditions arise...and things dont really change, it CAN happen again...just needs the right combo of events.

SO that's why I couldn't just blame my H's neglect, as that happens in marriages..I figured out it was my coping skills and have since been learning NEW coping skills, new ways to deal with my issues, new tricks...that way if I ever find myself in just the right mix of conditions that I am feeling like a WS - I have the right tools this time to get myself out before I get in.

I also look at the scar I left behind - it will be a reminder of what happened, and trust me - I will never forget and probaby never let it happen again...but there are no garuntees, and so I STILL need to protect myself by making the changes nessessary just in case.

I think there are alot of WS, who aren't truly remorseful, but really want to make a go at it, but things don't change in the marriage and they end up back where they started.

The BEST thing you can do it recognize what YOU contributed to the state of the marriage and make those changes. THERE are no garuntees, but your H is there and wants to try...this is a GREAT place to start. He will make his changes too - but in time. You have to make your changes too - to affair proof the marriage.

Yes, we do go through alot of pain, shame, guilt, regret, remorse. My feelings are still so raw, still scared to really tap into them fearful of what I might find about myself. Will I hate myself anymore than I do now?? How will I react? Will I be strong enough for my BS when he is having a hard time? How will I react to triggers? Will I deal with them in a rational manner... probably. But sometimes my irrational reactions come out in different avenues... like displacement, non-comunnicating, not deal with it and it'll go away. That's how I've always dealt with things... I know it's not healthy and I want to change, I know I need help. That's why I'm trying to stay open to my H, open to heal, open to change. I start my first IC on Friday and am really excited. Because I know I need to heal before we can heal.

I hope I've helped shedding some light on some of this. I thimnk I'm a little scatter brained but that's how I'm feeling right now.

Undo.