I’m not divorced yet although we are in the process. I usually read this forum because it is usually positive. I like to read that people are taking what they have learned from their failed marriages and getting back out there again and starting a new life. I’m wondering just how you are different in approaching men/women compared to before.

When we were together, my WW was one of the few women that I truly believed in and trusted in everything she said. Unfortunately after her affairs I am afraid that I will become very untrustworthy towards women and too insecure in a relationship. This really scares me. I’m also afraid I will be too picky. Noone is perfect, but I feel like I will be looking for too many red flags in a person’s past. I’m just wondering if these fears are prevalent among those who have started dating again.

I admit that in general, it takes me a while to really trust a person (comes from oodles of past experience). And sometimes I feel a little picky in what I'm looking for, too.

But I am actually surprisingly unafraid to get back out in the dating scene again (except for fears of what people will think of me, and I'm working on putting those behind me). In my case, maybe it's that I look back on what I had, and I realize that it was a terribly screwed up marriage for 19 years, and yet I loved him through all of it and would have stayed probably forever. So I'm saying to myself that first, I know I am capable of dealing with a lot--I'm not expecting perfection, and second, my chances of ending up in that again (because I'm not going to be actively dating anyone with alcohol or drug issues) are small. Sure, I could end up with someone who was abusive, or a cheater, or any number of things. Granted, I'm keeping my eyes open for red flags (like the guy who I saw a few times who was married 2x and neither lasted more than 5 years), but overall I'm excited about new opportunities with someone.

LL

Fears are normal..it's all part of the process...I believe it will get easier as time passes to put aside those issues from previous relationships/marriages. Main thing is be true to yourself and be happy.

Alluring

Post deleted by californiapoppy

What is strange is that I was more distrustful of myself than I was of women in general. There were so many huge red flags that I chose to ignore prior to marrying my XWW [first W] because I did not have the emotional fortitude to accept the truth. After my divorce, I wondered if I had learned my lesson and was emotionally strong enough to end a serious relationship with a woman, if I saw similar red flags. I truly beleive that just like there are women who are attracted to abusive men and have a series of relationship with them, there are also men who are attracted to disfunctional women. I had no desire to belong to that group of men.

TMCM

Amen TMCM!!!!

"I’m wondering just how you are different in approaching men/women compared to before."

Much more warily. I'm not dating, though as I've written before, I tried it for awhile last year. I know I'm not ready and perhaps that colors my perceptions, as does having been betrayed by a woman I adored. When I was dating, if a woman showed too much interest in me too quickly, red flags went up. My mind started asking "what does she really want?" At one time she could have turned my head with this, but not anymore.

Talking about such things in a forum like this is a bit like comparing apples and oranges. Not only are there gender-specific differences in needs, but age-related differences as well. I'm in my late 40s now and I have different needs and desires than those of you in your early to mid-30s. For example, some of you cannot imagine facing the possibility that you may spend the rest of your life alone. If you are 30-something, the very thought of this is quite frightening. Yet the probablility for this happening is almost nonexistent. It's different for me. Even if I were to wake up tomorrow free of my trust issues and ready to start seeking a mate, there are very few candidates in my age range and my requirements so strict, that there is a rather high probability that I will spend the rest of my life alone. Moreover, a rather high percentage of women in my age range have already made the choice that they no longer want a man in their lives. I have to face this reality and make peace with it. Also, if and when the time comes to seek another mate, I must be very, very careful. I do not have the luxury of time any longer. I can't make wrong choices. I can't be playing the games that so many people want to play. I've grown very comfortable with myself and used to being alone, so I have very little motivation to get out there and take risks with my heart. The up side is that women in my age range, who are seeking a mate, will pretty much have the same sensibilities, so in many respects, it's a tad easier for me than it is for a 34 year old man.

I am recently divorced, and unexpectedly began dating a man. He is pretty wonderful and we completely enjoy each other's company.

I am one of those who had a great marriage for many years, and my H went through mid life and had an A right at the end. So, I am unable to look back and see the bad stuff, because there wasn;t much until the very end, and of course I did not see the "signs" and "red flags" until after the fact.

Back to current BF. He's a great guy, and also recently divorced. Do I trust him? Well, I'd like to. Does that answer the question? I am not sure how people ever completely trust again, but I know that they do. I"m not there yet, but then we have not been dating all that long yet. He does seem to trust me, but we do not have that intimate of conversations yet. I'm not sure how long this process takes. At this point, I'm aware of the rebound factor, and am taking things slowly, so maybe just the time factor will help with trust.

I don't think I helped any, as I'm as unsure about it as anybody.

cm

Looking back I always have been attracted to strong willed independent women. My mom is that way so I guess that's why. It's too bad because these types of women are usually the one's that burn me in the end. My WW is an extremely intelligent business women that has progressed a lot in her career considering her background.

One of the things that I will really have to watch out for are women with the same attributes as my WW. Maybe I should look for someone more laid back and not the object of attention as some of the other's in my past. I know I'm attracted to a certain type, and it scares me that I may fall for someone like that again.

[color:"brown"] tim,

I chose different men of different personalities, and still got the same core passive aggressive sort of behavior from them because underneath the personality they were the same.

Hard to explain, but I think that I was comfortable with a certain communication style and took it as playful, when in reality it was cutting negative not funny sort of one-upmanship style.

Hidden aggression? Maybe.

If in the past you were in abusive relationships, then you might want to study their dynamics in order to get a feel for what you were attracted to and how to recognize any negative interactions.

There is a thread going in the emotional needs forum on Patricia Evan's book on the verbally abusive relationship. Check it out - and don't think it all is verbal - she covers a lot of emotional abuse issues as well.

V. [/color]

Post deleted by californiapoppy

[color:"brown"] When you learn to appreciate and acknowledge your own self-worth, you will be able to assess a compliment as sincere or self-serving false flattery.

V. [/color]

You know what I worry about? I worry I'll be too trusting.
Probably this is a totally unfounded, almost delusional, worry. I'm pretty trusting, but then, I have no intention of introducing a man into my home because... you never know. I'll just wait until the youngest is 18.

I guess I really don't have to worry about being too trusting. LOL.

If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl, a book about how to spot red flags in dating. . .

its a must read for the inexperienced, and the newly dating. .

wiftty