So I thought I knew what I was doing. I’ve accepted what has happened to me. I’ve reflected upon the red flags that I should have seen before we got married and realized that it was mistake in a lot of ways. I realized that my WW dominant personality suppressed a lot of who I am as a person. I am a totally different individual since she has left. I’m not needy towards her as I was in the first few weeks while she was with the OM. In fact I don’t initiate contact with her anymore. I also have taken stock in the fact that I didn’t provide enough EN’s and affection towards my WW that drove her to an affair.

Instead of concentrating on the “could have’s and would have’s” I’ve spent the time working on myself. I am somewhat content, have been making friends, and doing a lot of reading. Every once in awhile my WW does something that causes depression to occur. For example, she bought me a measuring cup a couple of weeks ago after I mentioned about getting one. I couldn’t even use it because it made me depressed.

I have been making plans for my future and possibly changing careers. My WW moved more items out this weekend and I felt nothing really. She looked really sad.

All this time I have believed that she is fairly happy with her decision to leave me and move on since that is what she wanted. She asked me the other day why I never asked her about her ongoing affair. I said it wouldn’t really matter since we’re not trying to recovery our marriage. She went ahead and told me anyway…

It was during this time she mentioned the resentment she felt towards me with all the changes I’ve made. I told her that my love for her was dwindling. She became upset. She also became upset with the fact that I took down a couple of pictures of us in the house because they upset me to look at. This is odd considering she doesn’t have any pictures of us in her apartment.

Today I came across a support group where she had left some postings. I didn’t know what to think. She asked help on how to deal with panic attacks she has started to encounter due to the boxes that she retrieved from the house this weekend. She noted the pictures I took down, the fact I wasn’t there when she came by one time, etc. She wrote that it freaked her out because she thought I was moving on and she was not.

She posted on the group that she feels paralyzed and wants to throw her wedding dress in the dumpster because of the memories. It really hurt me to read this “ I miss my cats more than I miss my stbx right now to be honest. Mostly because they will cuddle with me and are nice to be around without screwing up the whole process of separation/divorce. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I get so hot and light headed and shaky. It passes after a bit, but comes back periodically. The only other time I've felt this was last week when I stopped by the house at night and didn't find my husband there, I basically freaked out and drove off. Everything I touch today makes me sad or angry.”

I didn’t know I was screwing up the process as I’m letting her do everything. I know she is doing a lot of self loathing and just now discovering the value of friendship which I have depended on the last few weeks.

I don’t know, reading her post makes me feel like the bad guy in all this. I guess in her eyes I am. I wasn’t the loving husband I needed to be and didn’t offer the affection she deserved. At the same time maybe she blames the affair on me and the fact that it has led to breaking up OM’s family.

I’m so confused right now. Part of me wants to send her a sweet email saying that I still love her and that I will be here for her if she needs me or wants to talk. And explain how hard it must have been to move her things out of our house.

I just don’t know how to read a WS. Is she coming out of the fog? It seems this is just now hitting her, even though I have started dealing with the emotions involved with this 2 months ago. I have come so far in my recovery that I’m afraid to get caught up in her life spinning out of control. What is my WS trying to tell me? From reading her post why do I feel so horrible, like this is all my fault? The feelings I have now from reading her posts makes me feel the same way I did when she first left me.

It sounds like something has happend. She's starting to come out of the fog, maybe.

Did the relationship end with the OM, that's what I thought at first.

I'm not sure if you would be willing to work on your marriage, but you're setting yourself up perfectly, for a reconciliation. Keep doing what your doing!

And don't feel too bad. For a long time yet, everything will always be your fault. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My WW moved out some time ago for some "space". The OM lives in another country but was in town for 3 weeks during which they lived together. Its been a month since his visit ended. I imagine she's feeling lonely since there is nothing to look forward to as the OM won't be coming back for a while. She wrote me a long letter expressing her disatisfaction with our relationship and her desire to end things with me. She hasn't been happy about us for almost a year and it has led to an affair and probable divorce.

Yeah, it's just wierd to read her thoughts and how she really feels. I've always felt bad for not knowing enough about EN's and affection in the marriage, but it makes me feel worse to read that she has such ill feelings towards me.

She still desires me to be her friend, listen to her problems, which I just can't do anymore. My changes are almost counterproductive in her eyes, she hates me for becoming something that she has always wanted. I know I need to move on but there is still part of me that wishes things between us would be better.

Tim,
She doesn't know how she really feels. She's doing all she can just to survive - to live with herself. She's in more turmoil than you think she is. MUCH more.

More than anything, she hates herself for blowing everything up.

Try to remember, as hard as it is... that this is about HER, not you.

I would continue doing what you are doing. Make a nice life for yourself, and she will either decide to join you or not. Either way, you are ahead.

Your right, I forget that it is about her sometimes as I live my life without her around. It just hurts me to see how she really feels. When we're together she seems sincere in saying that she still loves me and that I deserve better. That she is broken, however, in her posts I can feel the hate and anger she really feels towards me. It hurts me to see her go through this, it also scares me in that she may come after me financially or otherwise.

Tim,

Did you ever do Plan B?

In His arms.

Hi tim,

I don't know your whole story so I am just going to address the posts on this thread because I see you feeling badly for something that was not your fault.It happens to many here but I would like to remind you of some things.

Making the CHOICE to cheat is NEVER the fault of the BS.No matter what you did or didn't do,cheating is never the answer.No one is perfect and no one comes to a marriage knowing all the answers to everything.It's a process of growing together,becoming closer,learning more about one another and many other facets that join with the time you spent before marriage.

Make no mistake: your WW made the choice to cheat to solve her problems,her voids in life,her self esteem issues,her depression,her feelings of loneliness,what ever she was feeling.She can try to blame you for things being this way or that in the marriage which "lead" her to cheat but that is a lie.She had not only an obligation,but a duty to make her feelings known to you about any issues she felt were there or what she felt was missing in the marriage.Even if things were so bad that she just felt she could not stay in the marriage any longer then she had other options that don't inlcude adultery.If your WW wasn't happy for a year prior to the A then she could have done something about it.

She will find that the grass is greener approach to life isn't going to work out.The OM is only a user and will also fail her in the ways in which she is seeking resolution.She has INNER work to do to find out why she finds it acceptable to cheat as a way of problem solving and what is missing in HER life that she isn't happy.It has nothing to do with you.If she isn't happy within,NO ONE will be able to solve her problems.

Does this make sense? Of course your WW blames you for failing her.She was looking to you to be her problem solver.And when you couldn't be all that to her(rightly so) she felt lost.So,she looks to other's for what she needs to find within.

A marriage is what you make of it tim.But it's also a partnership of *individuals in love,care,respect,fulfillment.

My WH also wanted me on the side in addition to his homewrecker to listen to,be his friend,be co-parenters.He never dreamed I would pull out of his life once he cheated on me and refused to work on our marriage.It was a huge wake up call that no,he couldn't have us both in his life.It was way too painful for me to have him around,hear his voice,read his e-mails,see his love letters.It all was tainted with horrible pain and suffering now and I wanted no more part of it.

Don't feel badly you can't be there for your WW either one day.For a long time I too wished for things to be better.But reality was always there staring me in the face telling me it wasn't meant to be.

O

Thanks Octobergirl for the response. You couldn’t have said it better about what is going on.

I did talk with my WW this morning. She sent me the proposal for a settlement yesterday. It was tough to read just because it was so final. It was a hard day.

She is going ahead with the filing process next week. Based on our past she doesn't see us getting a second chance. Of course, I have to be honest and ask myself if I really want one. She has conveyed that she has feelings for the OM, who is currently separating from his wife and kids. When she said this it brought me back down to reality. It just seems that she is living in a fantasy, since he's not even in the same country. I've realized in the last couple of days that her controlling behavior in our relationship caused me subconsciously to do things to undermine our marriage i.e. be a hermit. I realize that I resented the way she treated me and did a lot of the things in our marriage to spite her.

I’ve been feeling better about myself and who I am up until the last week or so. As the divorce settlement approaches I’m having to deal with finances and protecting myself. The effect of this has caused me to feel more depressed about the situation and I feel myself slipping backwards. The uncertainty of what I want to do now in my life is kind of scary. One thing my WW mentioned was the resentment she felt about my changes. She thinks that I haven’t properly gone through grieving or gotten angry at her and that she is actually ahead of me in moving on. I just have to explain she’s not around to hear that.

Tim,

I can certainly sympathize with how hard all this is for you,for us all.It's an ending to what we thought would last.Of course your WW doesn't see a second chance happening.She is involved with another man.As much as she can try to pretend that it's not him or that two marriages and families and children aren't being affected by this ABHORRENT behavior,it IS an issue.She cannot develop any feelings for you again as long as the OM is hanging around.And if she thinks things will work out with this guy who is also leaving his family behind and he will all of a sudden regain his morality and values when they are "free" then she is in for a rude awakening.Your WW is living on Fantasy Island,just like the rest of them.

Also,your WW trying to dictate when and how you will "grieve" and "move on" is amusing.A lot of what my WH tried to tell me.He has no clue and absolutely no business telling me how I should proceed on that issue.Of course all WS's are ready for you to move on at their pace and "get over" things to suit their needs.

You do not have to decide what to do with your life right now except how to keep coping with what you are dealing with until it all ends.It can be a scary prospect but also an enlightening one.One of the biggest fears I always had was the idea of not being with my WH anymore.That was SO hard for me but I faced that fear head on and dealt with it and I am actually much happier now than being with my WH as he was,who he had become.SO free.I see it as an opportunity to grow and get to know myself again.Do the things I have put off being a wife and mother and enjoy my freedom from the adulterer.I am still going through a messy D but one day,it will be over and I am looking forward to that.

Despite all that though,you have to decide what it is you want to do now.Fight more for your marriage or settle for a D.It hasn't happened very often around here but there have been couples on the brink of a D and have come back from the edge to try again.But do protect yourself during either process.Pull yourself up by those boot straps Tim.No matter what happens,YOU will be OK.Keep telling yourself that.You weren't married forever.Once upon a time you were an individual with dreams,plans and worth.That man is still there.Embrace him.

O

That was well said- Im going through the same satge your in tim- I finally was able to look at the light after the past few days. Now he's calling and Im more confused- because Im not hearing exactly what I need to hear. What I do hear I think is BS.
I wouldnt wish this on anyone....ever.
I joined a health club esterday and Im going to take out some of my anxiety snd frustration on the machines.

Thanks Octobergirl again for your inspiring words. You are really able to convey what I’m going through right now in such a positive an meaningful way. It’s people like you that really help make this a great forum to come to.

Winterkisses – Joining a health club was one of the first things I did once my and my WW separated. You’ll definitely feel better about yourself and look better as well. The impact of a exercise program shouldn’t be underestimated. I’ve read some of your posts and it sounds like you have just started on your own journey. The best piece of advice that I’ve been told is that I should work on myself during this time. As much as this situation hurts, working on yourself will make a difference on how you feel whether your WH comes back or not.

It’s funny how we are such unique people yet the problems and emotions we face dealing with our WS’s are the same. The WS’s behavior is specific and can almost be mapped out. What my WW did, say, etc, is the same as most situations that I’ve read about on this forum. I hope to never hear, “I need my space” “I love you but I’m not in love with you” ever again in my lifetime.

I have pretty much settled on a divorce. My WW even told me that she thought it would be impossible since she has such strong feelings for the OM. Coupled with everything that I have been through, no kids, and my friends/families’ bias towards my WW, I really don’t know how I would take her back.

I think the fact the OM lives overseas make things worse. They talk on chat and on the phone, so it’s always easy to project a certain image. The problem is that they haven’t spent a lot of time together physically. I'm sure the small number of times the OM and WW have been together were exciting and passionate.

Hopefully once the divorce goes through the depression and anxiousness will subside somewhat. I guess I’m looking for some kind of finality to all this.