Hello fellow MB'ers,
I have changed my name from HumbleOne to Notadoormatanymo. First I'd like to thanks GG for all her support and lending ear when I embarked on this journey.. So thanks GG, thanks ever so much!
I have and am coming to terms that the marriage I was trying to save was dying a slow death for many years and failed to believe that I could not repair it.
My home is now silent except for the occasional rock music my son plays. I no longer hear the laughter of the twins, nor my daughter and STBX. It is wierd being there on so many different levels.
I am slowly packing her belongings and the things that I know she will want, and moving them into another room so eventually most of the reminders of what was, can be closed behind a door and I can heal myself.
At times I feel as if I failed, but as each day goes on I get just a bit stronger and am able to understand that the Plan A I thought I was doing for so many years, created a man that was no more than a doormat and safety net for her.
My immediate family is relieved that divorce is immenent, as I have endured so much mental pain and heartbreak over and over again that by me internalizing it, I had a transischemic attack (TIA) at age 38!
I am just venting a bit, and have been trying to rediscover who I am again. I am slowly getting out and doing things that I want to do, but still feel lost inside.. I am at that phase in the divorce that all I can do is sit back and let my attorney do his job. The uncertainty of the end result is difficult at best.
I am also going to be getting help from a trusted physcologist that a few of my friends have used when they were at the stage I am at now. They are healthy and seem happy now, so I feel as if I will be too at some point. I am finally getting some sleep, and my anxiety level seems to get better each day , unless she calls to ask for me to do her something. I cannot do anything more for her as I am now finally all used up! I have asked her not to call me unless it is an emergency relating to my daughter. I have had to force myself not to talk to the twins for my interference in htier lives due to the choices my STBX has made will only cause them and me pain in the future as they get older.. A long story and too much to write now. ..I miss them so very much and am sad as well as angry my STBX took them 2700 miles away under false pretenses. I had no idea when I said goodbye that it would be the the last one.
I am confused allot of time as I go through pictures and letters and read how that she loved me so and would choose me over and over again, but at the same time find letters she wrote more than one OM during the same time frame. The lying and how easily she was able to do it, carry on multiple relationships, some with convicts serving time while she was at her job, or the sperm donor to the twins I grew to love for the last 7 years. It is so wrong..
I am a good person, maybe to nice and niave for my own good, I want to believe there are good people, but she has shatterred my trust, and now I have erected a Great Wall around my heart that I wonder if I will able to ever remove.
So I ask this question for those that there is no turning back, nor ever taking back their STBX, how do you regain that trust you once had in human nature once it seems to have been decimated by one that you were closer to that any other? Here lies my confusion.
And I thank all of you that have the fortitutde, strength, and willpower to help others while enduring thier own personal struggles.
HumbleOne No more..
