My husband and our 7 year old daughter, have me at my wits end. He is very impatient with her. He also has a very sharp tongue which makes matters worse. For example, if we go somewhere, and she gets a little bored and cranky in the car, instead of helping me with her, he will get impatient and tell her if she doesn't stop whining he will get out and walk. Stuff like that. I dont know what to do. This is happening constantly. I went to the doctor today, and my blood pressure is sky high. I hate being around them. I just don't know what to do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Trying to understand-

So he doesn't parent her like you want him to is that what you are saying?

No, he doesn't. He took this afternoon off, for I could go to the doctor. I explained to him, that all of her neighborhoood friends were gone, either to grandparents/camp/ and that she had been bored and lonely. That he would need to help keep herself entertained. When I got home, she was saying that she was bored and he flew off the handle and smarted off to her that she has $10,000 worth of toys that she shouldn't be bored, and that if she didn't stop whining he was going to leave. And another example, this weekend we went fishing. She kept taking her pole out of the water and was practising casting, and he kept getting on to her, and smarting off. I told him that she was enjoing casting and to just leave her be. He is just so impatient with her, and has such a smart mouth

I think I'd let him make good on that threat. If he can't treat her right, then it's up to you to establish boundaries for the protection of your daughter.

WHat quality lesson is she learning here from her Dad? That he can treat her like crap and that's OK? Or that being ajerk is alright?

I have 2 daughters myself, 9 and 7, I know how occasionally frustrating it can be.

And if there's one thing I've learned, kids bring out the worst in parents. Your H is getting areal good dose of his own lack of character.

perhaps some IC or MC would be good for all of you.

He also needs to learn perhaps some realistic expectations.

Is the daughter both of yours? Or a stepdaughter?

She belongs to both of us. My husband is lacking in patience and I am just the opposite. I am trying my best for both me and my daughter to be gone in the evening when my husband is home. Riding bikes, library etc. I did tell him that I was doing to speak to a counciler Saturday. MAybe even a travel agent.

Man, you have my sympathies. It cannot be easy to have to protect your daughter from your H. Talk about conflicting loyalties.

Was the child wanted? How is communication between you and your H outside of this specific issue? Everything is peachy except this one little problem? Or is it similar to other issues in your lives together where patience is a real problem?

Your husband is wrong to jump on everything without looking at your daughter's motivations. However, you need to talk to him to see what the real problem is. I have been accused of being overly strict with my 2 stepsons and birth daughter. For years, I have resented how my H has catered to the children trying to be their friend instead of their father. This has led to problems with the kids and to problems in our marriage. The oldest stepson (19)and my daughter (16)live with us and are basically good kids. However, I see that they sometimes lack responsibility and respect for authority. It has frustrated me and erroded my respect in my H. My youngest stepson, 15yr 6'4" 210lb, lives with his mother and is waited on hand and foot. Short story: he is a mess and everyone is paying the price. I've been critized for being too harsh, but I know I've done what's right when my oldest stepson is happy to be home from visiting his mother and gives me a big bear hug.

I'm sure you are the most wonderful person in the world to your daughter right now. I worry that she will lose respect for you as she gets older. I'm also concerned that your husband is loosing respect for you because he sees your daughter taking advantage of you. He could also feel like he has no say-so in parenting or that you rank your daughter above him.

PS: This is one hot topic that we still need to work on that our counselor has suggested that we not try to deal with alone.

To Mok:

It's become such a pervasive family and social dynamic that today's kids have a word for it: 'dissing --what it really amounts to is disrespect.

Your daughter's whining and outbursts are disrespectful to both you and your husband. Your response is to tolerate it because you feel it is age-appropriate. Your husband's response is to disrespect her back with angry retorts and threats of abandonment.

I had the same problem at my house with my nine year old daughter and 16 year old son. This idea worked for us--maybe you can try it: Get some index cards and write "Respect Me" on each one. My daughter decorated ours with pretty flowers and stickers. If someone in our family feels that another family member is being disrespectful toward them, they hand the person a card. The person receiving the card must hug the card giver and say "I'M SORRY" and NOT ONE OTHER WORD. The idea is that being disrespected is a perception--if you feel hurt by someone's language or action, then it is real.

There were a few times when more than one card needed to be "awarded" before the disrespectful behavior totally subsided. Also sometimes we are in the car with no cards handy. In that case the person feeling abused says, for example, "respect card, dad!" Dad says "I'm sorry" and reaches his hand to the back seat and "hand hugging" is practiced.

Even things like eye-rolling and missing the waste basket are now disrespectful at our house. My kids added another little dimension to our "family game" recently. My husband and I were arguing and the kids started handing us cards left and right on our behalf. My husband and I had to stop and hug each other several times during an argument that only lost its steam as we progressed. We actually ended up laughing about it.

I learned alot about my own behavior from this and it is teaching me to keep a more civil tone. Sometimes when children are misbehaving terribly, we feel justified to yell and verbally abuse them. This hurts them and causes more misbehavior. I also realized that I tolerated behavior from kids and husband because I didn't want to start another famiy feud. There is a lot more peace around my house these days. Suprisingly the kids love it -- I think they somehow feel empowered.

I've noticed lately the when my daughter starts to get "whiney" and approaching a "melt down" she manages to skip the "being handed a card part" by just asking for a hug.

I have a good friend--an old college roomate--who has taught high school English for thirty years. She has started using the respect cards in her classroom.

Was not able to see mc due to a fire at his building. HAve another appointment for next week.

Yes our daughter was wanted. This is really about the only problem that we have, him being impatient with our daughter. His father was/is the same way. We were over at his parents house last weekend and his brother and his kids came over. They are 7,8, and 9. All they do is fuss, fight, and bicker. My husband did mention that our daughter is better behaved than they are, and maybe she isnt so difficult compared to them.

Monday I had my wisdom teeth removed. Oh joy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />He did take me there and back, and had to go back to work due to an emergency. So I laid down on the couch and I told our daughter she could play in the living room with her Barbies, that I did not care. When my husband came home he was upset. We just built our home and she has a playroom, and he thinks she should have been playing in there instead of having Barbies everywhere.I really didn't care as along as she didnt burn the house down. She was very good. She even helped me some <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />By bringng me ice packs etc and not disturbing me ( the alarm was on while I was napping, so she couldn't leave the house in case anybody is worried ) He has been gone the last few days, so things have been calmer.