My husband and I have reached what I believe to be an impasse in our marriage. We have been married for only a year and a half and we have had problems too numerous to mention from almost the beginning. He has an explosive temper and is very controlling, which I did not see until after we were married. He admits to an anger management problem, but does not want to seek counseling for it because he says it is my actions that are causing his anger and I'm the one who needs to change my behavior. I am frequently fearful of him when he becomes explosive, although he has never physically abused me. Most of the issues that cause him to lose his temper seem unreasonable to me. One of the issues involves my grown children. He has no children, and I have found out that he never wanted any. He does not understand family bonds. His only living immediate family member is a brother, and they are not close. My pregnant daughter who lives in another state recently called me hysterically from the emergency room faced with losing her unborn baby at 18 weeks (her first), and she pleaded with me to come to be with her. I was there the next day and stayed through a grueling two weeks of her being confined to bed in order to save the baby. After two weeks, it was determined that the baby was not developing (the amniotic sac had burst) and the pregnancy needed to be terminated. I then stayed through the memorial service a week later. This was a traumatic situation for me as well as my daughter, and my husband put me through a living h... every time we spoke on the phone. He kept insisting that I come home and that my daughter was more important to me than he was. He kept asking me what I expected him to do while I was gone and that I should be there for him rather than my daughter. Every time we spoke he was angry and tried to make me feel guilty for leaving him alone. So many other things have happened, including not allowing my 5-year old granddaughter to come for an extended visit, and refusing to spend Christmas with my other daughter and my granddaughter. He has also refused to allow guests in our house to use the shower in our master bathroom even though the only other bathroom in the house only has a bathtub. He became enraged at me when I challenged him on that. I could not refuse a guest in our house the use of a shower! But this last experience with my daughter and unborn grandchild I feel was the straw that broke the camel's back. I am seeking counseling for myself, but I don't know if this relationship is salvagable. I have lost the love and respect I had for him when we were married, and most times I don't even want to be around him. Our love bank is bankrupt. I would appreciate input from forum members.

Greeneyes28,

You are a mature lady. You know what you have to do.

The "explosive temper" is the deciding factor, in my opinion.

I think probably, the anger problem alone should be enough to pull the plug on this one. His anger is his problem. Nothing you do can "make him" angry. And anger can be expressed appropriately or inapproriately. It sounds like he doesn't know how to express it appropriately.

I think you have to leave - or he has to leave. To what extent are your finances combined? Are you in a bind?

As for some of the other things that you mentioned, they sound like normal disagreements. Whether you can have visitors or not is something to negotiate. Whether a guest can use a private part of your home is something to negotiate. I think it is a something about which reasonable and honorable people can disagree. But, I don't think "becoming enraged" is an appropriate way to disagree with you.

Meanwhile...

Have you read about the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA)?

Click on the <concepts> link at the top of any page and search from there.

-AD (mid-40s-guy)

AD is correct in every way. My only change would be that I would not spend another moment walking on eggshells in my own home living in fear of abuse.

No adult should live in physical or emotional fear of another.

You are not responsible for his anger. No person is responsble for the reaction of another.

He should get help, or you should find a safe place.

All blessings

{{{Greeneyes}}}

I'm glad you're asking questions and seeking help. I'm just curious why you're posting on an Infidelity forum? Do you think that's an issue with your H/M as well? (Note: Even if you're not experiencing infidelity issues, you can still get a lot of great advice here. I was just curious.)

I'm not sure if your H even wants to work on your M. If so, and if he's not comfortable in going to MC/IC, then I would suggest that he reads Sense Ability written by Doris Wild-Helmering.

While it's not to the extent of your H's outbursts, my H didn't realize he had an anger management problem and was perceiving things differently than most people. I remember when he first read the book. He would say things like "boy, I didn't realize I was such an angry person" or "I guess I'm a real impatient jerk." It's pretty easy-reading and very self-explanatory. Perhaps it's a start.

I do agree with everyone here. Nobody deserves to live in fear and anguish.

Good luck,