...because I can't even trust my own judgement.

Current Honesty

It was a boundary and a "deal breaker".

I found at a detail of the A on Friday from the OW's other OM.

I asked Patriot about it and he said it wasn't true.

I asked him if there was a possibility he just didn't remember, or if he was absolutely sure it didn't happen.

He said he was absolutely positive. It didn't happen.

Last night we took our first real step in a long time by skirting some details.

Suddenly, towards the end of the conversation, he "suddenly" remembers that it did happen. He told me it did happen, but minimized it by saying he didn't do it with any malicious intent. I don't believe him.

I had already left the possibility of not remembering wide open the first time I asked him. He said he was sure. He said not remembering wasn't the case. He said it didn't happen.

I'm terrified.

What the heck do I do????

On top of all that, I am supposed to meet with OW today to discuss the pregnancy. She says the child is not Patriot's and is willing to meet with me to discuss that and any other questions I might have. Boy, do I have questions! Questions that really should have been answered by Patriot.

I am terrified of what I may find out, but I am so tired of not knowing the truth and of having my reality shattered yet again.

I really don't know what to do.

I think you should take him at this word on this one. If he had intended to deceive you, he wouldn't have "suddenly" remembered at all, he would have continued to lie. If he has been honest on other things and makes an effort to tell you the truth, I wouldn't ascribe something sinister to this.

He would have known that I would ask OW about it today.

But didn't he know that when he first denied it?

I don't think he knew yet that we were meeting today, or that I intended to ask her about that.

frozen, was this all in the SAME conversation or in 2 conversations? Because I am not getting this.

Two conversations.

I asked him about it on Friday when I first learned of the detail. He denied it.

We discussed it again last night...he changed his story.

in other words, he changed his story AFTER he found out you were meeting to exchange facts with the OW? That's a pretty important detail, isn't it? It looks to me like he was holding out on ya in that case.

I don't know. I didn't tell him specifically that I was going to ask her about that detail. I'm sure he knew it was a possibility.

I am sure he is reading this, and if he is...I really have no intention of trying to make him look bad, so I hope anyone reading this will keep an open mind.

I'm just scared. I don't know if I can trust my own judgement, and whether he is telling the truth about forgetting or not...I'm really tired of feeling so unprotected, either by his neglecting to give details after such a long period of time or by his faulty memory.

I'm tired of being blindsided.

I don't want to be ignorant and I don't want to make the mistake of believing him because I want to, thus being blind to the truth.

I'm tired of being in the dark.

How can I ever know when to believe him when he can (and does) always fall back on the faulty memory thing?

I knew of the meeting with OW on Friday morning. Both conversations happened after I knew of a tuesday meeting with OW.

I hope that clears something up. I did not hold out.

wow... I am a wreck today. what a fine soldier I am.

That answers my question. I stand by my original statement and quietly exit this thread...

Thanks.

Apparently he checked my e-mail without my knowledge (which is fine), so I didn't know he knew prior to our conversation when the meeting was.

froz, I totally understand what you are going through and Pat I would like you to listen real careful. My H has yet to give me the details of his last A. We discussed this last week as part of our attempts into recovery after he finally realized he was losing me. He is willing finally to give me the details but in his time so I will wait a bit longer. HOWEVER (Pat this is for you), the longer it goes on the worse my paranoia about his intents and his actions. For example, today he has an appt. at 3:30 in our area. During his last A, that was code speak for meeting OW. Now I freak when he tells me he has an appt at that time because I know nothing about the last OW nor the true extent of the A so I can't relax. I know the A is over and I know my H is trying but until I have those missing details I can't even really begin to trust again. It is like looking at a painting but someone painted black over it so I don't really know what I am looking at. I hope this makes sense.

Froz, don't take everything OW says at face value. I know first hand how much they lie.

ugh.frozen,

To me there is a difference between "I don't remember"(hopefully being 100% honest about that) versus "...Absolutely positive.It did not happen".You cannot claim both.

And,I would not be talking to the homewrecking OW at ALL.They are liars and users and I don't know why you think you could trust what she said.IMO she would very likely have a grand time leading you down the primrose path playing with your emotions and heart.She got involved with *your* H.Why waste one nanosecond on this type of person?

O

Frozen,

I am the BS. My reality like many here was not what I thought it was. I know how you feel regarding this. We as humans have a basic right to know if the life we are living is reality or an illusion. No one has the right to take that from us, unfortunately life is not always as it should be. I am fighting with the same issue but I feel I am further along with it than you. You should realize the your spouse did come clean on this one, even if it was inevidable that the truth would come out without him being honest. Think back to the days when there was nothing but denial of the truth, even when the facts were screaming the truth. I look at the trend. If you are getting more honesty over time, well things are moving in the right direction. It takes time to heal, even for the WS.

Your fear is still strong and it is causing the exact reaction the creator made automatic in all of us. You will react to this fear with the fight or flight reaction. It is a protection mechanism and I believe you said you felt unprotected. Slow your mind down if you can, and let calm rational thought guide you. I know it is hard, but things got so much better for me when I realized that this process was not going to follow a schedule that I thougth was appropriate. The trend of your relationship is the key. As long as things are getting better, no matter how slowly, you are moving in the right direction. These type changes can come in leaps and bounds and then again in dribs and drabs.
That is the rollercoaster we are all riding.

What's the point of talking to the OW? How do you know she will even tell you the truth? I would stay far far away from her.

Well, just to explain something...

I am well aware that OW is a liar. I know better than to trust anything she says.

(I find it odd that I am being advised to accept what my husband says when he has lied directly to me - OW has not. I've never even met her.)

However, the reason I am meeting with the OW today is because she is pregnant. There is a possibility that the child is my H's.

I wish to protect myself from this potential problem by facing it, rather than ignoring it and hoping it doesn't come back to haunt me months or years later. I am not glad to do this, but since my H has no contact and I am the one who wishes to know and to face it, I will do what I feel needs to be done...face the issue.

I realize that she could lie about it. I don't intend to take her word for it. I will ask her for a phone call when the child is born. The timeframe will answer some questions, hopefully. If that doesn't, one look at the child should give me the answers I need to know.

My H did not tell the truth until "I" found evidence of it. I had a gut feeling months before and called him on it many times and he denied it and acted upset that I would think such a thing.

I think meeting with the OW could only cause more pain for you. Why would she tell you the truth, she will only tell her side of things and make herself out to look like a victim. She was part of that affair, so she was a part in causing you hurt and causing harm to your marriage, she is just as guilty as your H.

To me the OW is enemy #1. She has no part in our live. I do not want to talk to her and hear her version of events. I am sure it would be different than what my H told me. Could cause more confusion and there is enough of that already.

froz,

You still do not have to see this OW at all,even if the OC is your WH's(see Preg board) and we do not know and cannot know for some time.You could save yourself a lot of grief by stearing clear of this woman until you get all the *facts.That is not avoiding anything.Until you know this child is patriots'(and OW claims it is not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />) then I would not meet or talk with the OW.It's not an issue until it actually becomes one,ya know?

And you contradict yourself: you claim that she is a liar("I am well aware that OW is a liar") but then also state she has not(lied to you).Which is it? Please. Stay away from that woman.

O

Froz ... you are sooooo NOT on the path of recovery with this planned OW meeting.

Don't do it.

Has this been POJA'd with your husband?