Hi there you might remember some of my posts as lastinglovei lost my password and had to change names.
I look forward to reading your posts when you help people from the FWS i think i have that right point of view
My H to is trying to figure out why he crossed that line.How he let him self selfdestruct.He workrd full time with overtime he also went to school full time with lots of homework.He was always stressed.On top of that he was helping a co worker with problems she was having in her M.At the same time she kept saying nice things to him always telling him she wanted to have sex with him.Always saying she would'nt tell.It would be fun.Well he gave in.
He never had feelings of love,and says buy the time school was ending he started to come around,but i found out a week later on x-mas.He ended righjt there.
I know part of it was we did'nt know how to communicate,we both thought the other did;nt want to be in the M.Come to find out we were so wrong.During the months he was so busy i tryed showing him in so many ways,he says he was to blind to see it.
I think he is more in pain because i actully did love him and he went out and did something horrible to our M.It was the biggest mistake ever he says.He did get a new job.Come to find out this other women lied about her M.IT was fine she claimed to be beat and cheated on.NEVER HAPPENED
I do ask him why,he will not blame me.He says he was evil and twisted at the time.He don't know how he lost control.
He says he knows now how not to get to that point again.It does help he is done with school and has a job with no overtime.He spends all his time with me and the kids.He does stuff i never thought he would.we are in love.I never knew what that meant before.
I'm sorry to carry on,its just when i read your posts you sound like my H.He never knew you could hurt someone that much.He too is in so much pain.some people out here will say it is out of guilt or he is just saying those things to make you feel better.I know it is because he loves me we found this love that was just waiting to come out.If people knew what this guy gave up for me they would'nt say things like that.
How do you handle those questions,like my H i feel how very sorry you are.
I don't understand i really think with some people they really learn from this.Affairs were something my H was agaist.I hope i don't sound stupid but i believe him when he says i'd rather die than hurt you like that again.I don't think he would even think about doing this again.
WE both have changed so much.i'm only a little over seven months in,i know i have a while.But my future looks great.
I just have to get over the questions i keep asking.Any advice,i know he hates talking about it because it causes him to have triggers,but he does it for me.
sorry for rambleing on #1mom

Hi!

I wish I had a magical answer for you. My H was alot like YOU - wanted to move on, knew I was sorry etc - but wanted answers I couldn't give and it kept him SO focused on the A, and not on recovery, he too fell into a negative thought pattern, met someone, started an EA, and left me and the kids for 4 weeks to pursue this relationship. He has been back now for almost 6 weeks...and recover this time around is going great. Maybe it's because after 8 months here at MB and watching the mistakes my H made in recovery, I wont make the same mistakes dealing with his A.

Like MANY of the FWS's on here, the A's were completely out of character. I honestly believed that I would NEVER be one of those people. All it took was the right combination of events.

I had had a life changing surgery that i didn't deal well with and H had so much going on - he couldn't give me the support I needed. I took this as he didn't love me...and started a negative cycle that got SO bad that by the time I started talking with OM, I was CONVINCED my H never loved me, and that he was married to me out of convience. I was convinced I was the only one with love in the marriage.

My R with OM started out with me talking about me, then progressed to MY marriage and how I wanted to save it, but I didn't think my H loved me, then moved on to talking about OM's marriage...and progressed from there.

Your H is right for not blaming you - but he needs to stop looking at himself as evil and twisted. he is a GOOD man who did a BAD thing - he himself is not BAD. My H may have been neglectful during the time leading up to my A, and that may have added to my justifications for having one, but my A and how I got into it is NOT his fault in any way shape or form. I couldn't cope and clammed up - and doing something like I was doing was the one way I felt better... a drug of sorts...it was MY coping skills that got me in this mess.

Does that make me an EVIL person - NOPE. I made a HUGE mistake, one that has had MANY concequences and may yet still. But I am not defined by my mistakes, but more how I correct them, learn from them and grow. I have learned new ways to cope with stressors and learned that I have no control over ANYONE but myself.


Why do you keep asking more questions 7 months later? Are there things he never answered? or are you trying to grasp and understand WHY he did it, and do the questions revolve around that? Because those questions are hard ones, and you may never understand...

My H had an affair, and I don't understand his reasons or the details he gives me, even though I had one too, his story and justifications he had at the time of his fog are SOOO different than mine...and even though he had one, he doesn't REALLY understand mine.

But the one thing we have figured out - is that now 8 months into this - we no longer bring it up. becuase we are DIFFERENT people and we can't sit there and try to understand eachother - we would get no where. We think different things, and feel different things...so what we figure out and how we recover will be different too.

So now when we get hit with a trigger or bad moment, both of us refocus on NOW. We both remember to be loving everyday and say nice things and do nice things, so we can focus on those things when we are tempted to delve into the past. When one of us is hurting, we just say - having a bad moment...and the other one hugs or holds. We don't bring up the details of why we are hurting, but we let ourselves feel the hurt in a healthy loving way.

If you have answers you need answered, it may hurt him, but he will have to keep answering, but you need to figure out if you are just obsessing or if you REALLy need those questions.

Your H sounds very remorseful and very willing to do alot for you - esp if he still answers questions, etc. Give him time to forgive himself - it may take years, and he probably wont start his healing journey until he knows you are going to be okay.

blessings to you guys!

Dorry,
Thanks so much for the advice.The reason i keep up with the questions is because it took five months foe me to find out he had sex with her.He told me they tryed it did'nt work and that was it.It took her calling for me to find out the had sex five times.He could'nt tell me,he said it hurt to much.It probally did'nt help because i flipped out when he said it almost happened. He kept saying a PA is not as bad a a EA.But i kept saying no and would bug out.I think this kept him from telling me.After reading here i know its vice vera.I know he did'nt love her.He to thought i did'nt love him.I also think he got himself caught up with the wrong people.I think someone always throwing themsleves at him led to it to.
I think i keep up with the questions because he did lie in the begining.I know i need to stop and look towards the future.
Thanks again for you advice and good luck with your recovery
its looks very promising.

Im starting to think since i know there were no feelings involved and i think it was mostly about sex i know they had it,maybe i don't need to know much more.He loves me and has never stopped and wants to make me happy.Is this stupid?
thanks again#1mom

It was the same problem my H had in the beginning - I lied for a month about the details and the amounts it was PA...he just felt that ruined trust - if I had been honest from the beginning he could trust me more...I know since his - he has been bluntly honest - and I don't agree with alot of his thought patterns and reasons...but they are his, and not mine...and so I accept them


It's not stupid - but it's a point I can't tell you to be at - you have to be at that point on your own - the point where you can stop looking at the A, as you are satisified with the amount of information you have, and focus on the changes and re-laying foundations in your marriage that had been shattered.

Focus on his actions NOW, do they match is words? His is trying to make changes? Focus on today and the future. Let yourself heal...don't obsess too much. If you find there is one question that wont go away then ask it...but determine when you obesessing and dwelling, or when you really do need an answer.

Dorry
Thanks again, my H too now realizes that it would of been better to tell me the truth from the begining.Now so things he says happened or did'nt happened during these two and a half months i question.Thats my problem.I try to tell myself it don't matter now,but i still ask over and over.

His actions i think out way his words,and he is not out buying things for me.He is doing everything for us.He is the person i always wanted.We do talk about eveything and he tells me about a hundred times a day he loves me.Some people here have told me it is guilt but its not.

From where we were before to where we are now it is love.
He treats me probally better than i deserve,I do treat him the same way back.We look forward to doing things for eachother and with eachother now.WE don't feel like we have to do it we want to.

Like you said i don't think its a question i need answered proballing something i just can't stop dwelling on.

Thanks#1mom