I have been very supportive of my WS, but to fulfill some of my needs as to how & why? I have resorted to asking some of theses questions to this group based the information my WS gives. Yes, I know I need to let go, but discussing it with all of you has been very therapeutic!

My wife has told me it’s the past and I should move on? So easy to say…She’ll ask why are you looking at me a certain way…I think she must know that something from the A is running through my head. I have been telling her exactly what I have been feeling, but now she says, I do it to much and it hurts her. I told her the only way I can move past is by having her open up and tell me every thing, to which she says is very hard but has started giving me more info.

See my last post on:
Looking for Opinion on my WS Answer to A?

Should I step away from talking to this group for a while? It’s been 40 day’s and I’m still hurting and don’t know how to stop the pain! I LOVE HER VERY MUCH and it is tearing me apart. Please let me know, if you have any suggestions?

HLR,

Your D-day is just a few days before mine so I understand the pain you feel. If she is not ready to open up to you right now then don’t force her because if you are not careful you could push her away.

Has she considered looking at this site at all? I showed Undo and it became almost a safe-haven for her because she didn’t feel alone. She didn’t go to it immediately, but as she has talked to more and more people on this site she has been opening up. It didn’t happen over night.

Remember that your wife also said that she loves you and some of the details probably pains her to think about it. She may feel that she is protecting you and doesn’t want to hurt you more than she already has.

The easiest thing to say and the toughest to accept is to be patient. If you force her before she is ready then things could get worse.

Also, I can’t remember if you answered this. Are taking any AD’s or anti-anxiety pills? This will help you process information better and assist you during the painful time you will be going through.

Wow...your wife has NO clue what she has really done...she has not taken responsibility for what she has done. Those words alone speak VOLUMES.

It is the past yes...but what has your wife DONE to help you leave it in the past? From what I have read, not a whole lot, except stay.

These things take years for almost EVERYONE to get past. And I doubt anyone ever FULLY gets over it, but they let it go at some point. But those people have alot of help from their remorseful spouses.

One week after d-day my H downloaded me this little pdf book - it cost him $10 and it was what made me realize even more what I had done. I mean - I was already going OH NO, but I wanted to get past it fast, get things back to normal. It was called "Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair" - it was written by a BS for all WS's to read...and it was great to read. Soon after that we started reading Surviving the Affair and his needs her needs, and then Torn Asunder...and then a BOAT load of books since then <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Maybe you can download that book for her and see how she responds to having to read it. It really shows from a BS - what the BS needs, how the BS feels and what the WS needs to do early on. Then move on to Surviving the affair if she is ready. Make sure you are reading the MB books even without her. They help alot!

HLR...

Patience means alot. Encourage your wife to first look at the forum. Don't encourage her to jump in, she will when she is ready. I didn't right away. I was afraid to "spill my guts" because of how I'd feel afterwards. Your support will mean alot to her. If she decides to join in she can give us a buzz.. I'd be more than happy to chat with her. It sounds like we have a lot in common. We can cry on each other's shoulders or bounce thoughts back n forth. We'll be here if you need us.

Undo

HLR
I seem to be going thru what you are going thru. Even at this moment feeling a bit down about everything.

Dorry:
who is the author of the INFIDELITY CRISIS...book that you recommended, I would be interested in it too.

LT

I compiled many of the articles from Dr. Harley and asked her to read them. While reading she started crying saying it was too hard and she can’t be that bad of person. I told her that good people in good marriages have affairs but it’s helpful to discuss the affair, how it happened and what we can do. She said no one but her knows her life and finds it highly unlikely that anyone who wrote about an affair would know how she feels. She read them for me but when I tried again she stated it was to hard last time and would rather not. I wanted to get to the point of creating a marriage plan and discussing our EN, which we haven’t done yet.

MY END GOAL IS TO REMARRY HER…. Kind of silly but I figure if we are going to stay married I wanted new VOWS. She is unsure or doing it or not? I told her it could be a private ceremony, while vacationing. She stated we never planed on renewing our Vows before but now you want to? Lets give it some time before you ask me again…Make sure this is what we both want.

So in the mean time, I give her as much love and support as I can and write to all of you. But I’m wondering how long…what should my next steps be?

HLR, your W's affair was in the past(if she is nailing NC), but the consequences of her affair are absolutely NOW and contemporary. Does she expect you to ignore those CURRENT problems too ?

You're still early in this - you'll be able to cope better soon.

I'm just over a year in and it still hurts. but I ma functional and mostly quite happy now.

I had to forgive Squid - i.e. lay down any right to satisfaction for her transgresion. The insult was too great to ever be paid, and I was suffering carrying all those rocks around in myheart. I forgave her after five months of grieving and it released me from much of the pain.

Losttiger

Here is the Link

But I really only think it's helpful for Ws's right after D-day...it should always be followed up with better material like the Harley's books or councelling - I just know it helped me face the ramifications and got me ready for the long haul of what recovery would feel like for me, from my spouses point of view.

HL,

Have you read Bob pure's story - this is a man who took the reigns of his marriage's recovery - while his wife didn't put a lot of effort into it for a long time. He is the PLAN A MAN! If your wife is resisting it right now, read up on Bob, get Bob's advice - he is a great success story so far <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

HLR

Is it just me or are these guys full of good advice. I just wonder though...in reading these posts, it doesn't seem like anyone ever moves completely on. Their marriage and lives together are better, sometimes stronger but they will never be the same. I think in this time we are both mourning the loss of what used to be. Even though we know that it can get better the betrayal is still very fresh. I am just confused because i see that some people have been in recovery for years and still feel the pain....will it ever get better? Does time heal all wounds really?

sorry to move in on your thread here just babbling i suppose.

~LT

Dorry thanks for the link

LT, no - noone involved in fidelity is ever the same but FULL recovery is possible !

Besides if we were "the same" afterwards, we'd risk the same problems in our M in future.

Note that MOST peopel who recover greatly leave these boards. Thank God there are a few who stay around for us but folks properly recovered say the A becomes just another rsignificant painful event from our past. Like a death or a bankruptcy.

I'm a year in, and life is better than I could possibly imagined a few months ago. And in truth our M is better now than in YEARS. I tolerated SUCH a crap, boring and unsatisfying M it was untrue. And it only gets better with time and work. Remember that LT

bob pure

When I am reliving some painful feelings about the past (and i know that I shouldn't) and that I am feeling bad...i want badly to talk to my FWH about it but I know that in doing that it will only hurt him and then we are both sad. Do I still express my pain to him or should I not bother. He is my best friend and apparently I lost that status without knowing it which is what caused the affair. How can I talk to my best friend about my feelings when it is about him.

LT

LT
I say " Squid I feel really sad, and i want for you to hold me and talk me through this please because I love you".

It is very healthy for you to articulate your pain to your WH, if you do so in a non lovebusting manner.

Yes he'll hate it, yes he'll be hurt BUT he will learn that his comfort is worth something to you. That can be very validating.

I never held back a thing from Squid, but very rarely lovebusted either.

Regarding 'friend' talk, who better to dry your eyes than the one who made you cy ?

All blessings

thanks

I think I avoid talking to him because i have a tendency to LB. So i keep it in and it just builds up.

Yep, me too, so that why you need to speak often to defuse. also say " I'm getting angry and hurt baby, I need to go walk about for while is that OK?".

Is it wrong for me to want some sympathy, understanding and compassion?

The only way for me to convey my feelings is to write my conversation with my WS from last night.

Last night I was feeling low and when we went to bed I asked my W if I could hold her. She said “No, I just want to stretch out and go to sleep.” Gave me a peck kiss good night. I said “WOW, that makes me feel good.” My WS said “Do we have to go through anther session tonight!” I said “Thanks, I’m feeling rather low about myself and just thought you could help comfort me.” She started said “you get this way when you get turned down for a job you want.” I told her “believe that if it helps you! But there are many things that are bothering me!” I told her that “some times I have anxieties about everything that has happened and I know you are trying but I want some comforting.” Her comment was “Do you know how you make me feel?” I told her “Sorry but the only way you can help me or me you is for us to express what we need openly, how can we expect the other person to fulfill that need or help if you haven’t told them what you need.”

We left it at that and agreed we need to express our needs with out reprisal and we should each try to help one another fulfill them.

Feeling low and hoping she would show some sympathy, understanding and compassion?

Is there a better way to express my feelings?

Its been 41 days HLR. Squid was still a harpie by then.

You have to lock up your taker while your FWW withdraws. Harley say sthe worst withdrawal symptoms are over in 3 weeks, but IME this is hoplessly optimistic.

After six weeks I held her while she cried over missing OM.... compassion came a long time afterwards.

Hard? FREAK yes hard ! But it works.

Find sand. Dont be pathetic ( in the real sense, not the perjorative one).

It took Squid a fll six months of NC before she truly started to realise what she did.

This is a heroes gig HLR. Be a hero.

Thanks Bob,

It’s nice to hear someone tell me to get back on the path you where riding…Being her friend and helping her as much as I can…You right about my taker, we all wan to be pleased and everything that has happened sure pushes you the other way. But I LOVE HER and I’ll concentrate on her and try to bury my feelings.

Stand erect HLR. Its time to be an OLD STYLE man, not any new man clap trap.

Invest in your W until she has a safe place where she can fall apart.

Lock up or divert your taker. BE proud. be noble.

That nobility stays with you too.

HLR,

Don't bury your feelings, just be more aware of them and how they could effect the outcome of you trying to reach your goals.