so i'm wondering...if they are so sure they are done...separation agreement or talking about divorce...is there still hope?

eav - H asked me for a legal seperation, and left for 4 weeks, during the whole time, egging me on for the agreement. At the same time as his A ended, was about the same time I finally gave him my agreement...and it was the same time he came back too. there are LOTS of people here who have a similar story.

i'm worried

it's possible the affair has ended but my husband is too detatched to consider coming home. He plans to have an agreement and then divorce in 9 months-he says he will notchange his mind.

You need to read everything on this site about 10x like I did.

Of course he will say he wants a Divorce and his mind is made up, he is in the FOG. He is scared, confused, and doesn't know what the Heck he wants.

Don't believe one word GOOD or BAD that a WS says, it all means nothing.

He needs time to suffer the consequences of his actions.

Last Sept my wife confessed that she was "In Love" with OM and wanted me out of our house Immediately, as fast as I could pack.

2 nights ago she was Begging me to stay together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Eav, I know where you're coming from. I haven't read this whole thread, but if anyone hasn't suggested it yet ... you want the statistics before you give it all you got. You want to know the odds.

It's a natural inclination, but each story is different. Maybe you'll be the record-breaker. Maybe in a year you'll be darn happy to see the back of him. The uncertainty is unnerving, I know.

Has anyone mentioned hopeful_person yet? She was the WS, got a D, realized she made a mistake shortly after, and tried to get back together with her BH, who wouldn't even talk to her. Even members of the MB board tried to talk her into giving up, when she was trying to call the guy two years after the D.

They remarried a few months ago.

that is such a wonderful story-thank u

actually-i'm going to give this my all no matter what the possible outcome-i have to-i don't want to live with regrets and what if's

i love him-the choice is easy for me

i just need support right now as he is pushing this agreement to hold myself together and not resort to the begging and crying-i'm feeling desperate right now!!

i'm trying to be strong but i'm falling apart as this gets closer to happening

it seems so final to me...like he'd NEVER come back after that much has occurred.

i'm sorry i'm so much in need of support. everyone has told me to give up and move on.everyone except the people here. this is my only support-it's my "lifeline"

thanks again for the great story

i'm feeling a sense ofpanic as the signing of this agreement gets closer. i could really use support in helping me to realize and accept that my husband is/is not acting like many others who still have made a decision to reconcile using the strategies that i am trying.

thanks to all of you for understanding that i am scared!

Yes, I have reconciled with my FWXH....see the last posts on my thread for the update...sorry, but I don't know how to copy the link here....you would think that after all this time I would have learned that!

Search under my username...July 11 I believe!

Good luck to you...it is scary but hang in there!

eav -

Try not to be scared. Just do what you need to do. I have seen tons of people here save their marriage. Some started posting on the Divorce board, and never got off it, but ended up reconciling.

One thing you will learn here is that these principles work. Even the most desperate and hopeless situation can turn around. Be brave.

My H had an A with a co-worker.

My H and I seperated 3 times. The first 2 times were for only 1 week at a time.

The second time we were seperated for 3 months.

I ended up going to the Social Services office and filing against my husband for abandonment of his children. He then had to start paying child support....though no legal seperation had been filed. About a month after that I ended up filing for divorce.

We are now 3 years and 10 months into Recovery.

i was given some advice today-stop being nice to him-lethim know how much you are hurting and that this is tearing you apart.

that is the only way he will star to to care. The person thought that my husband thinks I'm okay without him and that i am dealing with this.

she also saidthat as longas he thinks i'm always going to be waiting around for him-he's not going to be in any rush to consider cominghome-he can do it anytime.

any thoughts on this?

this seems to go against plan A-i'm trying to be unconditionally kind and meet any emotional needs that i can. i am avoiding lovebusters-letting him know i'm hurting wouldbe a BIG love buster right?

i told her...he knows i'm hurting and he knows i love him-that's not makinghim care enough to come back- he cares about HIMSELF more and he has detached from me so much-my feelings don't matter.

I've let him knowhow i feel, how i've changed and how things could be in a new relationship together that would meet his emotional needs nowthat i understand what they are.

by doing things that may increase his attachment to me-he may start to care more. That might make a difference.

Does this sound right?

Post deleted by Improving

Oh my God!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just read the story linked above. It gave me goose bump! Does anyone know about who her "coach" was??

that is a great story!!

i wonder though, if part of the success was because her husband was still emotionally attached to her-they had sex occasionally and he spent the night, going to concerts, having fun, discussing his problems. Also, he was areound and involved enough in her life to be there to see her getting calls from "other guys" and leaving to go on "dates"

in fact she actually said

all of this attachment and interaction could be why losing her was such a threat-he still wanted and needed her in his life and he realized this.


also-he was not involved in a physical affair with someone else.

Now i compare her expreience with mine (and milkshakes) where our husband are very emotionally detached, we hardly see them, have minimal phone contact and they have decided they are "done with us and moving on".

i wonder if the results would be different because of the detachment?

But i am open to ideas that may help as i am now at 15 months separated and no end in sight except the divorce he wants.

Now this information-also on that thread-combines Plan A with this kind of thinking (let them think that you may move on without them-they may lose you)




also




but-i have wondered if letting him think that i am moveing on without him and that he may loseme might be a 180 that would really shock him as i have NOT done this in anyway!

But...if he's this detached would he care?

i'm not sure how to use plan A and this kind of 180 together.

any thoughts about the things i have said??

okay...i did some thinking about plan A and 180 together.

I tried something this morning and i'd like some opinions if I'm on the right track.

is this the idea?

this morning he called to ask ifhe could keep the dog until later this week.

i said, "I was actually going to ask if you could keep him through next weekend. A friend has a place at the beach and has been asking me to go for the weekend. If you could keep the little guy, I was going to go down this weekend."

he said "what about the other dog?"

I said "I've mentioned to the neighbors that i had been invited to the beach. they had offerred to watch both dogs but I haven't taken them up on the offer because i think that would be alot to ask. But i would feel okay askingthem to watch one dog."

He said, "Well my Dad's surgery is Monday. When he gets out of the hospital, I'm going to spend a few days with him. That will most likely be at the end of this week through the weekend."

I told him of course that is more important and we talked about his dad's surgery. Then i told him that I may ask him to watch the little guy again another weekend or two before the end of summer so i can go but if he can't I will go ahead and take the neighbors up on thier offer.

He said "fine"

then...

I asked him if he knew they had built a new adventure park near our house. (about 15 miinutes away) he didn't know. i told him that i took my family there as a surprize last night and talked about what we did.

i told him that my neice (she's 12) and i are going back tonight. she wanted me to climb the rock wall and play a game of paint ball with her last night but we were both wearing flip-flops. Tonight we'l go back in tennies and try it!

okay...so it may not seem like much if you don't know me...but I am one of the least adventerous people he knows. Even my family told my neice-no way would i ever do those things with her-but if my other sister were there, she would.

I thought...hey! What do you all think I am??? Boring??? and i realized yes....they do think that and yes...i guess they're right!

so darn it...I AM GOING TO DO IT-even the awful paintball if the lines aren't too long on a saterday night-kind of immature i think but so what...

anyway...my husband said "have fun."

not the greatest response but i hope he's thinking "You've got to be kidding me. There's no way."

so I WILL do it and then, the next time HE calls, I WILL tell him how much fun i had no matter how AWFUL it might be!!

so...any thoughts?

ps.
not sure if i should have posted this here or on my other thread asking for help for plan A. i don't know how to link the threads but both are about ideasand support to save my marraige so i guess it doesn't matter.

Good job! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by Improving

thanks for responding! I'm on the right tracK then?

also still looking for some thought sbout my comments regarding the post from CarolKH from divorce busting
(a few up on this page dated 8/6/05 12:11am)

How are you holding up Eav. Since your folks are visiting you, hopefully things are a bit easier emotionally.

hey milk,

thanks for checking in.

it's funny-i haven't seen my family since christmas. i enjoyed the company because i'm alone most of the time now that my husband has left. I was busy most of the time.

but...

so many times this weekend, i found myself sitting and staring 1nto space-thinking about my husband and missing him-tears in my eyes. My family noticed.

i even went into the bedroom a few times-just to be alone and cry.

now that they've gone I realize that it was no different having people that i love around to keep me company.

without my husband...my heart still feels empty.