The waiting continues...

Still no call for our son's transplant. Although he has received the highest possible value on the organ ranking system, his disease does not cause an immenent threat. So the doctors are being patient on their choice for his organ. I wouldn't have it any other way, he comes first, but the fact still remains that the stress is killing me.

WW has stated that she cannot make an effort to work on our marriage until after the transplant. I agree she is emotionally fragile right now, and there is a whole ton of anger inside of her. Angry at where we ended up, angry at what she did (even though she still says being with the OM is a possibility), and angry that our son is going to go through so much.

I on the other hand am angry that the time I am spending with them before this major event cannot be appreciated the way I'd like to. Instead this whole waiting period has been tarnished by her A, and instead of enjoying my son, I sometimes find myself wondering if his family is going to split up.

WW seems to be very much affected by her depression/moods. She is on AD's for three weeks now. When she is up, we are good, and she sees us working things out. When she is down, we never should have been married and we will never work things out. I've gotten used to these rapid changes, and I have gotten better at dismissing the ridiculous comments, but they still affect me a lot.

She has supposedly had NC with OM for three weeks now. As of two days ago, she began rubbing my neck and hair. She shows some physical affection again, and sex has become more loving/affectionate and not so much kinky/wild (which is how it was for months). I am happy with the changes, I just hope it's not another up before the fall. This depression/stress can make it seem like she is two different people sometimes. I have no idea if withdrawals are playing a part. She is wonderful when she is feeling good.

I suppose I don't really have a point or topic for this post... perhaps I just need some support and a recharge from you guys.

{{{Sundog}}}

Prayers to you… May God give you strength, wisdom & comfort during this very difficult time.

This thread contains inspirational poems, prayers and stories which will help to encourage you…

NS: I’ve just sent a post on your other thread as well.

Take care,
Suzet

Hi sundog,

I went back and read all your posts.

AI am sorry about your son but I will also keep him imy prayers too.I usually make a general prayer for all those here on MB but in a case like yours,I feel it necessary for more indepth discussion with Him.I truly believe in the power of prayer.

Well,I hope that NC will stay put for you and your WW.Your son has such a great chance at a new life with a transplant and it would be awful for him to endure all that and then suffer a D by no fault of his own,his family destroyed by some homewrecking OM.I just cannot imagine that your WW is not taking that into account.If she isn't then she is coldhearted.Just reading your story I cannot imagine not just *living for her son.I know I would,so that for however long he was with me on this earth,it would be the happiest he's ever known.That is how I look at this life with my daughters.I feel so strongly that their time with me, not only as children but as being here with me in this life, is limited that I MUST make every moment the best I can.And for living that way with them,I feel so blessed that if I died tomorrow,they know how deeply their mom loved them and will always be there for them.

All we have is this moment.Stay Strong~

O

Ugh. It's inevitable that after a couple of good days with WW that we have a bad moment.

We went out for Mexican food last night. We were both feeling good, conversation was good and we were both enjoying it.

So eventually she asks a bit about the His Needs Her Needs book that I read recently (I should have seen where this was heading). She didn't read it, but she knew that I had found it very helpful for myself. So eventually we are talking about meeting needs and building love and so on.

At first she disagrees with the premise that love can be worked on or built. She thinks of it as this magical event that just happens. Then she says maybe I am right, she remembered a friend her parents forced her to date at one time whom she eventually fell in love with.

So she eventually is somewhat agreeing with the concepts of meeting emotional needs. But she says, "there is still one reason I have a problem with this."

I ask, "What is that?"

She says, "He and I always had a very strong connection from the beginning." They were coworkers for 5 years, the A started this March.

I tell her that if she and I worked on meeting each others needs and improving our relationship, that we too could have that type of connection. I do, however, point out that having NC with him is essential to this.

At this point is where she begins to get angry. She says she is so angry at the fact that if things are to work out for her marriage she would have to completely lose her 'best friend'. She feels it is always she that is the one who ends up suffering and having to make sacrifices. I want to mention what this could do to myself and our family, but she is such a taker when she is like this that it's not a good idea.

We decided to pay for the meal and go. It was obvious that we both needed to take a breath.

Later on, when she had calmed down a bit, she described to me how lost she feels in life. With our son soon being cured of his disease, she will no longer have to be the full time caregiver for him. She has no career and she is scared of us having more children, because they could possibly be born with the same genetic disease as our son. She can't see her future and she is terrified by this.

I saw her anger level rising again as we talked about this. Eventually she would storm around the house and lock herself in a room if I didn't stop the conversation. So I left it at that.

I can't believe I'm going to have to not only go through my son's transplant worrying about him, but also with all these other worries on my mind.

Thanks for the support Suzet and October.

Reading your posts and those of many here sometimes gives me a bit of sadness when I see the religious references. This is because my wife does not believe in God. I do, but I do not practice in any form other than praying by myself.

In my mind there is always He that is above me in the order of important things in life (indulge me here a second). But in her mind I see that she believes she is the highest authority, Godless. She had wonderful values, that was one of the reasons I love her. But under this situation I see her rearranging those values to fit with what she has done. I often wonder if this would be such a mess if she had some religious guidance to rely upon.

Got a prescription for Lexapro yesterday. I hope it can help me, I've been almost unable to concentrate at work lately.

Sundog,

Go back to plan A and try and fight as hard as you can. If she is love of your life, show her romance her. I understand what your going through my WS says she hasn’t been in a PA for 4 months, but refuses to a complete no contact with him. What are you going to do follow them monitor them? Not good for you or them. I suggested that I be informed of all inadvertent contact and told her I’m taking a day at a time, because if they are still in a EA or PA, I’ll no longer be committed to our marriage. She understands and respects that and I’m working on a complete no contact. One step at a time, remember we all crawl before we walk, which we do before we run, so don’t start sprinting…Take some small steps first, show her how special she is! The best thing I can say is turn off the TV and find time to just talk!

HLR,

Good stuff, and that's what I have been doing. Plan A all the way. The ONLY time things break down is when we talk of our relationship or the A. I need to see those conversations coming and cut them off. Half the time it is herself starting the topic, but it still eventually spirals her down into a depression that lasts about 1 day.

Instead of talking about romance or love, when she talks about what she wants from her relationship, she says she wants 'peace and friendship'. So I am trying to provide her with that. I understand where she is coming from. Being on this transplant list and after some close calls with our son's life over the past 4 years, she just wants to feel 'normal' for once. Up until now our life has never been normal or peaceful.

The hard part is not knowing what mood she'll be in when I come home from work/lunch. It seems to be getting better lately though, from the AD's or the withdrawals lessening I suppose.

The night before last she was very close to me. Eventually we had sex and she got extremely excited in seeing my fullfillment. She took over and I felt like I'd been run over by a car when it was all over (in a good way). She cried right after her orgasm. I just held her.

Talked that night until 3:30am. Then we had the Mexican dinner incident the next day.

Sundog,

You know what they say, this isn’t a fast process as much as you and I want to run through it and get rid of our pain, it doesn’t work that way. I had a similar experience as you by bringing up the subject of a MC…BAD IDEA, she told me how much I hurt her by suggesting it, telling me that the MC is just going to make relive everything and tell her what a bad person she is…So I just told her I see her point and was just trying to make sure we do everything we can and wasn’t trying to introduce more pain. My point is you and I are going to hit on things that triggers these mood swings, we just need to divert them as quickly as possible and not let them become a consuming problem.

Good Luck,

HLR,

Yes, some days the walking on eggshells around my WW just fills me with anxiety. I finally got a prescription for Xanax (sp) in case I have a real bad attack. Only took it once so far, but definately works.

When she is in these down moments she can really be a stone cold **tch. It's like she gets possessed and her eyes kind of pop out a bit, her teeth clench, and she'll just rip into me like a lion bringing down a helpless wildebeest.

Then, at other times, when she is feeling normal and opens herself up, she'll reveal a bit of her true feelings on some issues. I've learned never to pull anything out of her, just to let her reveal what she wishes.

Something changed in her over the last year, even before the A. I think the disease that our son has and his upcoming transplant have really had an effect on her. She says she suddenly stopped looking at pictures of us as a family and feeling good about it. She almost saw it as silly.

She sees everything in a bad light right now. She sees parents with newborn children, and she says to herself, 'why would you bother having kids?'. She sees formal engagements like anniversaries and weddings and thinks its all so stupid.

She used to be the exact opposite. She loved children and events and little cute things in life. She is extremely bitter and angry right now.

She and her therapist think a lot of these negative feelings will go away after our son's recovery. I really hope so.

Bleh... a really uncomfortable day yesterday. I was hoping some of you could provide some insight on the developments.

WW went to see her therapist yesterday while I watched our son. After getting out of the appointment, she and I talked in the car a bit before I returned to work. She said that she plans to work on our marriage with me after our son's transplant is done.

She seems more calm in the evening after I come home from work. Relaxed. Later that night I discover that she had called the OM. It had been four weeks since they communicated.

I ask her if she contacted him and she immediately felt terrible. However, this time she acts much differently than previous times they had contact. Instead of being defensive, rude and foggy, she was caring and very willing to explain why (supposedly) she called him.

She said she had talked to her therapist about how horrible she feels at ending things like this in a bad way. When she was younger her parents forced her to break up with boyfriends without explanation. They would simply lock her up in the house, essentially. So she feels horrible thinking that the OM would get this same.

She said the therapist told her that things like this are sometimes easier for people to let go of if they feel closure. So she says her therapist said she should consider giving the OM a call and explaining the situation so she would feel better about how things end.

I remained calm and understanding. No LB's at all. She told me she is trying to clean up the mess she made, and that she is dedicated to working on our family. She also said that talking to him this time was 'different' than before. That it didn't give her the same feeling as when the A was going on.

She ended the conversation by telling me that she had told her therapist about how kind and caring I have been through all of this. She said her therapist asked her some examples of how I showed care for her in the last week, and after hearing the examples, she agreed that it was impressive.

She said that she had planned on leaving to be with OM after our son's transplant in the past, but that was no longer something that she wanted.

Part of me wants to believe that this was a good thing, the other part of me is scared to death that she isn't telling me the complete truth. I saw her differently this time. She was more sincere and caring, but it's so hard to trust anything from her at this point.

Any thoughts from those of you who can look at this from a outsider's perspective would be very helpful. Thanks.

It would be nice if they told you before they call! But that’s very unlikely, so I would be comforted in the fact she shared the information with you instead of hiding it!

Good Luck