Confused---when doing plan A (avoiding angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, etc) do you just ignore the issues that brought you to this point? We're building up positive experiences but I feel it ignores getting to the source of why WH felt A was only option for how was feeling. Do you avoid the "unpleasant" conversations? Do you go to counseling to deal with issues? Am afraid not talking (always a problem) decreases tension but doesn't get us changing behaviors. My WH is not a talker so am having trouble with him opening up. He has had NC with OW for 3 1/2 wks and is making little changes I've requested. Advice?

You are so new in this, that I would just continue Plan A for awhile. Counseling would be great. But you aren't going to uncover all of the "issues" this soon. He is probably still in withdrawal, and little changes are very hopeful.

Recovery takes alot of time. Talking comes with time. How about calling Steve Harley?

InPain, no, you don’t ignore these issues and you certainly don’t avoid talking about it. During plan A you must also directly communicate the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused, but you must inform your H about this in a calm way without using Love Busters. Please read the following excellent post created by Pepperband on plan A:

[color:"blue"]The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.

The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Plan A which is ~only~ a carrot or ~only~ a stick, is not a true Plan A[/color]

I also want you to read the following thread on Plan A (created by ark^^):

Plan A tips and musings

The above thread is specifically about plan A in general.

This thread: Plan A versus Policy of Radical Honesty was posted by a BS to seek help and advice about specific circumstances, but you will get great information & understanding about plan A on that thread as well.

I think it will be a good thing if you and your H can go for counseling – Individual as well as Marriage Counseling.

Your H is currently is withdrawal from the OW and this might be part of the reason he find it difficult to open up towards you – he is afraid talking about it will be hurtful to you and cause you more pain. He certainly feels guilty and don’t want to cause you any more pain. Talking with a professional outside person who are not emotionally involved (like a pastor or counselor) will help your H to get his feelings out and work through his withdrawal. That’s why I have suggested MC and IC for both of you – for personal AND marital recovery.

Further you must understand that while your H is still in withdrawal, there will not be much effort and changes on his part. Please read the following from Dr Harley to give you a better understanding of this:

[color:"blue"]As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.

But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.

Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better.

It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care. And that will be the subject of next week's column: Learning to meet each other's needs after an affair.[/i][/color]

You will also find this thread on withdrawal (created for both WS’s and BS’s) helpful. There is also some suggestions you can follow to help your H through the withdrawal period.

Blessings,
Suzet

Suzet--thanks for re-posting all this info for me. I do feel I have been working on things longer than him; will need to be more patient as he works through his feelings over OW. I'm such a "fix it" person that it is hard for me to not try to work on things 100% of the time and wait for him to be in the same place. I guess it's just hard not knowing how I can meet his needs if he doesn't tell me and not knowing what was going on in his life that an A was his only option. Will try to hang in there and make our home a place he wants to come home to and to be less intense................

"Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended. Another common cause is a wayward spouse's failure to take the betrayed spouse's feelings into account. The betrayed spouse's inconsiderate behavior sometimes leads the wayward spouse to believe that he or she has the right to return thoughtlessness with thoughtlessness by having an affair. Willingness of the betrayed spouse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward resolving the issue of thoughtlessness.

A third possible cause of an affair is a lifestyle where spouses spend much of their leisure time apart from each other, and form leisure-time friendships with those of the opposite sex. A plan to avoid being away from each other overnight and making each other favorite leisure-time companions goes a long way toward creating a passionate marriage that is essentially affair-proof.

In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan.

But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again."