Just wanted to post my pitiful story and see what others think. It started 2 years ago our daughter was born and my wife went into depression - diagnosed was put on antidepressents but stopped taking them about a year ago. Things went down hill from there. My wife didn't want to take care of our child, became very lazy around the house - sleeping in, lost a lot of weight, and it seemed like she was always mad at me no matter what I did. The more work I did to help her out - the more I did. I cook, clean, and work 48hrs a week and my wife doesn't even have a job.

Then she changed, started wearing makeup, got new clothes, became totally obsessed with her physical appearance and all the signs where there.

I didn't know how long it went on, but I caught her talking to some guy one day outside of our apartment and when I approached he ran off and then I got suspicious.

I started questioning her and then the lies began one after another - she told so many lies they she didn't even remember what she would tell me. I grilled her for six long weeks, checked phone records, caught her in lie after lie and finally about 2 weeks ago she broke down and told me she was having an affair with the guy upstairs - who was supposedly "just friends".

My wife then turned the tables and blamed me for her affair and that "it's all your (my) fault". I guess she chose the tactic that a best defense if a good offense.

Supposedly, the affair is over but it's making it hard for me to get over the resentment and pain. My wife is very remorseful and wants to work things out and we have an appointment with a very good MC next week but I just can't seem to get over the pain and resentment right now.

This website has been a savior for me the last 2 months. I really hope we can save our marriage but we have a lot of problems.

I'll admit my wife is a beautiful women, very attractive and I let myself go over the years which I think contributed to this. Recently I lost over 40lbs (in 2 months) and am in the best shape of my life now working out at the gym again and running everynight on my days off to keep in shape. But really our problems are much more than just physical attractiveness.

I'm trying very hard to be there emotionally from my wife, I mean I can honestly say she is remorseful and very sorry-it's hard to believe with all the lies the past 2 months though.

I'm very concerned about the future though, we have a beautiful daughter and I just hope my wife will never do this again to me. I have the nastiest divorce lawyer in town and an appointment in a month if things go bad. But I am hoping for the best.

I've read that some marriages can become even stronger after an affair but it must be difficult to overcome. I have trouble sleeping at night because I think about her being with this OM. I worry about her doing this to me again and I worry about what this is doing to our daughter who has seen us fighting for the last 2 months.

My wife's best friend has been confiding secretly with me and telling me what my wife is saying only because she is trying to keep us together and she told me for sure the affair is over and she has scolded my wife harshly for what she has done to our family. I think their is hope but only time will tell and a lot of thearpy too.

I'll post more later.

cheers

Your situation sounds very promising to me. I think your wife may have been depressed after having the baby, and then when she quit taking anti-D's, got more depressed.

I wonder if she would consider taking anti-D's again? It is not normal to not want to take care of a child, sleep all of the time, and be lazy.

The affair probably made her feel better.

I hope that you will keep reading and posting here. It is true that you can have a much better marriage than before.

Wow, that was me two years ago! But my H had the A, not me...

Welcome to MB, FS845.

Good to hear you are in Mc.
Is your wife being treated for her depression again?
That would be numero uno on the R list, IMHO.
Once you are treated, then go off the meds, you typically sink deeper. That's what happened to me. Mom died, went on meds, took myself off meds (DUMB) and sank deeper and deeper.

Have you both read the article & books? Surviving an Affair? His needs/Her needs? Done the questionnaires?
Are you in Plan A?

Keep posting. Lots of great people here with tons more wisdom than me....

Thanks for the replies. Yes, we have done the questionnaires. My wife has been reading the articles like a mad women. We haven't gone to MC yet, our first appointment is in a week.

My wife is very remorseful but I think she is going through some withdrawl and it is difficult because the OM lives upstairs so we both have to see him everyday.

The funny thing is he is married but lives here for his job and his wife lives far away. My wife wants to get revenge on him for "screwing her life up" so she says. She even hired a private investigator herself to get some infomation on this guy. She did this even before I found out about the affair. There is something this man did to my wife that she is very angry about that she will not tell me. I suspect it was something sexual like doing something to her that she did not want - but it could be something else. She will not talk about it PERIOD. I have a bad temper sometimes and I think my wife knows I will probably go kick the crap out of this OM and then I will get put in jail and she doesn't want to see that happen. (I have a govt. job and would probably get fired if I got arrested and convicted) I'm not really a violent person, but I think whatever it is that he did to my wife she knows I will lose it.

My wife even says she wants me to help her get revenge on this guy. Infact this evening I hit jackpot - we got the phone number for his wife and I think my wife is going to call his wife when the time is right.

I don't know though if revenge is a good idea, certainly I would like to see this OM get what he deserves but I don't want to open old wounds that are still healing. But my WS persists.

I really think we can work things out as long as we can solve the problems that we had before the affair. I'll keep posting. I know it's going to be a long hard road. thanks for the replies.

No, no, no....!!!!!
OM cannot be any part of recovery; no revenge, no contact or anything!!!
He is STILL a part of your W's life...she is still 'involved' even if it's "revenge!"
Although the one thing I must say is his wife should be informed. And thats all.
First off, I would say MOVE!
The SOW lived in our community and after a year plus, neither of us could stand the sightings...not revenge work, not contact, just sightings...too painful, too triggering.
We moved 150 miles away. H got a new (and better! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) job and things are moving forward.
I do not think recovery can really begin living in the same bldg. as OM.

Fraggles,

We are building a new house 100+ miles away from here and it should be done in 2 months. The OM is leaving the country in a few weeks for work and won't be back. I think my WS is waiting for him to leave country for job and then she is going to inform his wife.

It is very difficult for any of the healing to take place with OM still here in building. I'm just trying to hold out until we move or he leaves the country. Actually, I'm just trying to keep from kicking his a$$ which is hard enough.

It sounds to me like maybe the OM broke up with your wife. That may be why she is so angry, and won't tell you. Just a guess, mind you, but we have seen that before.

I thought that too. I also thought that maybe my wife went to see him one day and he had another girl over there and pissed her off as well.

But, when I looked at phone records for both of them - my wife NEVER called this guy a single time on either cell phone or home phone. This guy was calling my wife like a mad man 2-3 times a day whenever I was at work.

It's very possible though that he had a good time with my wife and then blew her off and that is why she is pissed off. I've thought this myself - but I think there is more to it than just that. She says she will tell me one day.

FS, your wife screwed her own life up. She did it allllllll herself.

GC

Yes, I know that. But I do share the responsibilites of letting things get to the point that an affair could happen. Although, ultimately it was her bad choice that screwed her life up - your right.

My wife has literally been telling me for years, begging me for more attention, to spend more time with her, etc, etc. I didn't, so she found someone else that would pay attention to her. I mean, at least I have the courage to admit that. Yet, she screwed things up by having an affair and she will have to deal with the consequences of that if it comes to divorce.

When I caught her in her first lie, she broke down completely and came very close to confessing. I think she was afraid I would leave her so she backed off her confession and it took six weeks of grilling her, spying and catching in her in lie after lie after lie and then she finally broke down. For those 6 weeks my wife was in tears, massive depression and guilt. I could see it in her face. She truely is remorseful. But I know it is no excuse for betraying me.

When she finally confessed I immediatley wanted a divorce. She begged me on her hands and knees to stay - cried and whined like I never seen her before in all our years together (9). She even setup the marriage counseling, read the pages on this site and started doing the questionnaires and demanded me to do the same. Really, it looks optimistic in some ways.

But, she still acts like this is my fault, like I'm some kind of bad person. If you read my original post, I do everything at home and still manage to work a full time job. I do all the cooking, cleaning, and take care of the baby full time on my days off while my wife lays around the pool getting a tan and sitting on her butt on the couch with the remote control in her hand. I work 24 hr shifts as a firefighter which means I am gone 2 days a week and those are the only 2 days I can get my wife to do anything around the house.

The fact is that if I got a divorce it would be a win for me hands down. I could easily give her the money for child support and my life would be much better. It's tempting. The problem is it would be a big loss for our daughter and I'm trying to stick it out for her. I also do love my wife, even if she is a lying, cheating, lazy good for nothing.

This was definitley a wake up call for me. If there is any positive thing that happened I really let myself go the last few years and I lost 40+lbs in the last 2 months and am in the best shape of my life now. I go to the gym regularly and exercise daily. I went to my doctor on Monday and he took me off my blood pressure medication and all my bloodwork came back excellent. A total change in my life for the better. I even feel much better about myself now.

I think things look positive, but who knows if they will take a turn for the worse at any moment. I'm keeping my appointment with divorce lawyer and will go for legal advice only. It's not until the beginning of Sept. though because she is the best lawyer in town and there is a long waiting list. I really don't want a divorce, but it seems that the only thing my wife is to me is a babysitter while I go to work. Otherwise I get nothing from her but grief. I hope the marriage counseling can help us to get back on track. I'm really a good guy and do a lot for my family and my wife. Sometimes I think I do TOO much for her and that might have contributed more to the problem of her depression. thanks for the replies.

cheers

fs

"In fact, this evening I stole his garbage and hit jackpot - cell phone bill with every phone number he dialed (any yes-his phone calls to my wife stopped exactly when she said the affair ended). We got the number for his wife because it had her account on there as well and I think my wife is going to call his wife when the time is right."

Whoa there, soldier. You have broken the law. Federal anti ID theft laws and maybe several state laws. Stop it. You are already ripe for serious consequences.

Please stop this. Do not get sucked into the drama of revenge. Nothing good will come of it. Your wife is just drawing you into this as a way to deflect attention, yours and hers, from her infidelity.

The only action you should take that might ever so faintly smell of revenge to some people is telling OM’s wife. She has the right to know. Other than that, move away as quickly as possible.

PS: IMO, there is something fishy here besides what is indicated by the acrid smell of revenge. You need to get to the bottom of whatever it is your W is not telling you. Revenge for something he did to her during consensual adultery is not the driving force for her current actions. There is more to get to the bottom of here.

Perhaps best to do this in MC though. It is probably not severely bad, just details, but you need to provide a safe haven for her to tell the whole truth. No LBs, no DJs, no retaliation, no revenge. Just let her come clean. You will both benefit in the long run from the re-established intimacy.

In particular, you will not have doubts and wonders about whatever it is come up again, like a bad burrito, years from now.

With prayers,

I agree there is definitley something fishy going on with the revenge thing. I've thought it might be just a distraction to take the heat off of herself. Funny thing is she hired the PI to investigate this guy even before I knew about the affair. I found out she was calling the PI by looking at our own phone records but kept it to myself until after she confessed. Originally, I thought she hired the PI to see if I was cheating on her - which I am not. But then when I confronted her about it she told me she wanted revenge on this guy. I've seen all the documents and spied on phone conversations to know this is true. She is really motivated to seek revenge - it could be something more sinister happened but it could also be just as simple as him dumping her. Needless to say it's not going to get much further than it already has as far as the questionable activity on our part because she has his wife's phone number and address now and that's all she wanted.

I just hope we get in MC soon so we can get to work on our problems. Personally, I could care less about revenge I just want to work things out. I hope he leaves soon or they finish our house soon so we can move out and move on.