All of this hurts so bad that I can not sleep at all. It makes me sick beyond belief. I am getting a divorce I did not want. He is happy with other women that he choose over me & our 3 beautiful kids and it is killing me emotionally. They say you reap what you so, but the exact opposite is true in my case. I am so miserable every second that I wish I was dead. I hate walking around feeling this way every second. It is too much too handle. I feel like I am living H*** on Earth.

See your doctor, tell him/her you're depressed and can't sleep. Make a stink about not being able to sleep. Ask for some Ambien. It's an amazing sleep aid. It's been a big help to me.

If you don't like the idea, look into melatonin. It's a natural sleep aid, and it works well. Though it gives me incredibly vivid dreams.

Are you taking ADs?

I hate to sound all, drugs drugs drugs, but you're in an extremely unusual circumstance.

GC

{{{{{{stormy}}}}}}}}} I am so sorry you are in such pain. Please, please know it won't always be like this, my dear friend.

Stormy -

You do reap what you sow. Sometimes it just takes some time. I know how you feel, and I remember the long, long sleepless nights. I don't think I slept a full night for over a year. What a waste!

I promise you that things will get better. It doesn't seem like it, but they do. I hope that you are taking care of yourself. You need to do that so you can take care of your kids.

If you feel too low, check with your doctor for some anti-depressants.

I am very , very depressed. I can not sleep at all. I have taken about 6 Tylenol PM's they are the only sleep medicine I have . I am not on antidepressants, but I shouild be. I keep wiahing God would just take my life. The pain is unbearable. I made a fool of myself today begging him to come home and not divorce me. He said he really really likes the OW and that he could never be faithful to me not even for the kids. I drobve off crying while he went back into the place were he is staying with the OW. I just want to curl up into a ball and die. I can not even get it together for my 3 beautiful amazing children. All of my dreams and hopes are shattered. I feel pathetic and spineless. I feel rejected beyond belief. I just want to die.

Stormy - Please see your doctor tomorrow, and get some help. I went through the same thing. Over 2 years ago, I begged my husband to stay with me. He could hardly wait to run out the door, while I was laying sobbing on the floor.

But I promise you, this misery won't last. You can get stronger, and go on to have a good life. But please get some help to get through this hard time.

I'll call my Doctor tommorow. I just feel like I can not handle or cope with this pain at all. It is so strong and so deep and intense. It makes me hate living. I hate every second that I have to feel this way.

Call your doctor in the morning. The pain is horrible, and no one who has not been through it can understand. But it does not last. It is a healty response to what you are going through.

Your doctor can help you by prescribing something to help. When I started anti-D's, I came out of my zombie like state. I could do what I needed to do to help myself.

I am dying inside. My soul and my spirit are being ripped to shreds. It hurts so bad. I don ot understand any of this for the life of me.

It feels like this pain is never ever going to leave. I am sooooooooo exhausted, but I can not sleep at all.

That is what happens. Your body is exhausted, but your mind is going on and on. You can learn to sooth yourself. Think about what a good person and mom you have been. Realize that this has nothing to do with you, but is your WH's failing.

SD, I am so sorry you're in pain.

I know exactly what you feel like.

{{{SD}}}

Wanna stay up and post some more?

GC

I am so scared and lonely. I have never lived alone. I keep having ugly stupid selfish thoughts go through my mind. If I turned the car on in the garage and feel a sleep them all of this pain would end. My Brother would do an excellent job taking care of my children. He would not break down and cry in front of them all of the time. I would not be desperate and pathetic for my HUsband who is divorcing me and does not want me. I am so ashamed of how selfish I am. I do not want to feel this pain anymore.

SD,

Something you said spoke to me... "You reap what you sow."

I have learned in my own situation that it is actually true, but felt much the same as you at one point.

I sowed years of fidelity into my marriage and had my heart stomped twice. So how did I reap what I sowed? I found that the plant that grows from what you plant you sometimes don't know until it matures.

The analogy is a little simple. You plant a corn seed, and grow corn. In real life, the seed you plant may not be what you think. Wasn't for me.

What I reaped was knowledge of the affair. My fidelity was rewarded in many ways - I found out, I did not get an STD, I have the respect of my children and the admiration of my oldest for what I walked. THOUGHT I was going to reap fidelity. But I was wrong. That did NOT mean I didn't reap anything.

I take a lot of faith in the fact that God gives me what I need. So I trust that my situation will work out for the best.

Yours will too, if you keep sowing the best. Especially to yourself right now. You deserve it. Do what is right for you.

Doesn't help with the pain, I know. Or the sleepless nights. But if you can take some small comfort, be comforted by the fact that you can survive it AND be happy again. If for no other reason than I did it.

We like to say on this site quite a lot that EVERYONE has the potential to cheat. If we let our "guard" down, it is going to happen. Is it such a stretch to then also say EVERYONE has the potential to be happy after being cheated on? Perhaps if we keep our "guard" (or boundaries) intact.

Don't stop being good. A friend told me that tonight and I really needed to hear it. Now I'm saying it to you.

NCWalker

GC, yes please.

NC Walker thanks for responding. I do not know what is wrong with me. I just can not stop crying. It even hurts to breathe. Are you the same person who traveled through Texas a while ago?

SD... there is nothing wrong with you.

GC

Yes. That's me.

Been where you are. Not able to make sense of it. Not able to stop crying.

Fact is, the tendrils of this evil STILL reach out. Affects me in ways I don't like. In ways that hurts other people I care about sometimes. Like I can't help it.

But that is just an excuse I use. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> That is what happens when I am weak and let her influence me too much.

What gives me hope? The fact that I see that. More and more clearly each day. The fact that they don't reach so often as well. It WILL get better, Stormy, I promise.

I have always been passionate. But was raised in a logical home. So I learned to stifle it. The feelings. Couldn't stifle the feelings caused by the As. (Yes, dealt with more than one. Also dealt with the same "issue" you alluded to long ago.)

Personal growth? Yeah. You could call it that. I tend to think of it more like "grow or else." Couldn't stomach the "or else" so I had to grow.

You will too.

Your tears are simply water for the garden of your heart. There is no shame in that.

NCW

nc Walker & GC,

Thanks for staying on with me. I can not be completely by myself right now. I just want to get through the night. The nights are the hardest for me. I am so exhausted, but I keep replaying it all in my mind over and over again. I know GGod is real and I know he is here, but I can not feel him, I can not cry on his shoulder. So, I feel abandoned and all alone. I wish I was never created or born. Life hurts too much. I have always tried so hard to be good and to be a Godly Wife, Mother, frien, and person, but now I am just dying inside.

Be strong. Just make it through today. Let tomorrow take care of its self. I know you have kids in the house but have you tried taking a walk or exercising to tire your body out? Maybe you've just kept everything under control and inside too long and it needs to escape. A good cry? A lamentation?

Sometimes, I feel like taking every old, tatty mug out of my cupboard and smashing it. If you're like me, you've got a zillion old coffee mugs with stupid saying, faded patterns or bad associations up on your shelf. Useful, perhaps but still clutter. I think about taking them to a big, empty dumpster. Then, one by one, from a safe distance with great energy, power and fabulous aim, throw them in and smash them to bits. What a release! Of course, I could just donate them to charity but it just sounds appealing. I guess I was suppose to be a juvenile delinquent.

I'll think of you tonight.