Need Guidance – Finally have NC with OM – Now What!?

Its 1 month+ and the OM has contacted me once a week to “see how I’m doing” since D-Day. A week after D-ay I wrote him a “soft” letter telling him I love my husband (which he already knew) and that I am saying good-bye because I am going to make my marriage work. He was sad, I was too but I told him I have to do it. I have to be true to myself and to my husband. I guess he didn’t get the message when he called me at work; he wanted to let me know how he was. We kept it very friendly but not loving. Come the following Monday, he called me again. He was concerned how I was… I gave him about every answer he did NOT want to hear… “Things are great, we’re seeing a marriage counselor… we’re talking, going out…” And then the ultimate… he asked me “Do you not want me to call anymore, I said No... do not call me anymore” He said he only wanted me to be happy and that he would do that. I felt relieved, sad, glad, but I knew it had to be done. Come the following Monday… you guessed it he called again but I did not answer the phone. I let it go to voicemail, and then later listened to the VM.

Little did I know until recently that I NC really hasn’t happened until today. I made myself believe, that if I didn’t “see him” then it was considered NC… knowing darn well, what NC meant. Thus, the addiction. Secretly, I looked forward to those “how are you?” calls… saying “please don’t call” but in my subconscious I’m saying I hope he calls again. I told my H4F each time he’d call, he wanted to send a NC letter, and we typed one up... looked good. But I still felt uneasy. After the last time the OM called, I called his friend. I asked him to tell him to not call me anymore… he said he would. I felt, relieved again. I told H4F, he was not a happy camper and suggested we change my phone numbers… including my work #. Last night I was uncomfortable about it, not about the inconvenience, but losing those weekly calls. (hence the addiction). I slept on it, agreed that yes this is the best thing to do. But was sad. Changed my cell phone #. Changed my phone ext at work… Now (as far as I know) there is not way for him to contact me…

So I’m going to own up to some of my feelings…

I realize I enjoyed receiving those calls sometimes 2-3 times a day. It fed my addiction by creating a higher anticipation for the next meeting or the next call. And now today I realized that is going to stop. And now I’m scared. Scared because I now officially enter the “WD zone”… And I need help dealing with that. I hate the fact that I’m considered an addict.

Now I’ll share in my Personal Victories…

1. When H4F has his anxiety attack that sent him to the doctor, my first impulse was to call the OM for support. I resisted that urge and did not. (yeah)
2. When he called yesterday I did not answer it because I knew it was him and let it go to voicemail and did not call him back. I did falter by listening to his VM just so I could hear his voice. ( I know, I caved).
3. Today, I understood the need to change my phone numbers, H4F called and had my cell changed, I made the decision to have my work phone changed, I made that happen. And also went as far as calling the Operator to screen my calls. That was incredibly hard. But I did it.

Seeking Advice for me and H4F…

I made a follow up call with the OM’s friend to confirm his talk he said he did not get a chance but will tonight. I remember thinking mmm I wonder if he’ll try again to contact me. Then it dawned on me… he can’t, I’ve changed my number and be came extremely sad. I can’t talk to him anymore. The WD shocker has already set in.

1. How do I handle the urges to call him when the WD’s?
2. Do I still do the NC letter or do I wait until he tries to make contact again?
3. I’m looking for a Support System… H4F gives me all of his support. He holds me when I need it he has big shoulders to cry on, which I thank him dearly for…. But I need the reinforcement of someone that has been there. Someone in my shoes. Dorry & Whisper, is it possible I can ask for your direct e-mail addresses so that we can converse daily on my progress privately for next couple of weeks. Or anyone else? Sometimes just venting or shooting the breeze helps too.

Thanks… sorry this is so long but I needed to get this out.

Undo

undo,

You've made a big, giant step by admitting to yourself that the A is an addiction. You've now taken the necessary steps to ensure NC. Wow! That is a big accomplishment.

Your husband is there for you and is understanding. Let him be the one to help you through withdrawal. Let him be the one that gets to fulfill your emotional needs. Talk to your H about this. Try to make an agreement that whenever you find yourself thinking of the OM, that you call your husband. Maybe your husband can call you a few times a day at work to see how you are doing.

WD doesn't last forever. You will get through it. Just remember that with each contact, you're back to square 1 again and all the effort you have put into coming clean goes down the drain. Not just for you, for your H as well. His wound gets opened again.

Hang in there. Take it one day at a time. Be strong, be disciplined --- it will be worth it.

Undo,

Here is a link to a thread about withdrawal I've created for both FWS’s and BS’s. Also take a look at this thread. The advice on the last link is on the first link as well, but there’s some other posts on the second link I want you to read.

Hope this will help,

Blessings,
Suzet

>> BUMP << to bring to top for new eyes...

Undo

Thank you Suzet, I printed the links out so I can read them on my lunch hour at work. They will be very helpful.

Undo

Hi Undo -- how are you now? Don't know if you'll see this as your last post was 8 days ago... anyway if so, am more of less 2.5 weeks since d-day, maybe 10 days into NC... nice to read someone else's painfully honest appraisal of the WD/addiction issue... I am doing ok but certainly noticing all my urges to make contact as they come up...

Undo,

I could've written your post, word for word, - over and over and over again. In fact, since my H and I are still separated (under our MC's recommendation), I remember that 2-3 weeks after NC, I would look out the window every time a car pulled up thinking that it was the OM coming over to convince me to come back as he always had for 1.5 yrs. While I knew I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with him, I just missed how he made me feel - the attention he gave. I missed the calls, the way he hung on my every word, etc. Believe me, I know how you feel. I've been there all too many times. Also, I've been meaning to tell you that I KNEW based on the OM's repeated, continuous attempts to contact you, your initial NC letter must've been weak. Why? Because I've done the SAME thing - over and over. Do you know how many times I've written NC letters, leaving all kinds of open doors, loop holes that I knew he'd find? Why? Because as much as I hated the guilt, the shame, the limbo-****** that I was living, a part of me WANTED him to come back, beg for my love and show me the excitement and passion that I was so addicted to. That's why I was urging you to send that 2nd NC letter, signed by both you & your H.

So, as to your questions ...

1. How do I handle the urges to call him when the WD’s?

>You focus and think of something else, anything else. You do fun things with your girlfriends or your H to keep you occupied (constantly). If possible, you don't spend any of your waking time alone for the 1st 2-3 weeks. You post here if you're alone. The day after NC (when things were still rosy for my H and me), I sat down and wrote 2 notes to myself. 1 lists all the wonderful things about my H and the other lists all the OM's downfalls. I filled both lists front & back. I keep these lists in my purse so I'd have them with me anywhere I go. They're still there! When I'm really deep in my withdrawal, I'd pull them out and read them line by line, over and over again. At times, I did that 2 or 3 times a day. And guess what? I've not pulled them out for over 3 weeks now! So, it does get better with time, I promise you.

2. Do I still do the NC letter or do I wait until he tries to make contact again?

>I would send the NC letter. While I didn't send that last NC letter personally, the message I delivered in person made it quite plain and simple that this was the end. In fact, I told him I never want to hear from him again. I don't even want to know that he exists. When he came over to hug me goodbye, I jumped in my car, shut the door, and drove off leaving him standing in his own driveway. It may sound harsh, but it was probably the kindest thing I could possibly have done for my H, for me, and for the OM. Now, I don't recommend you do this in person, as I don't think you are in the same place as I was when I delivered this message, so sending that letter certified mail is a better choice, IMHO.

3. I’m looking for a Support System… H4F gives me all of his support. He holds me when I need it he has big shoulders to cry on, which I thank him dearly for…. But I need the reinforcement of someone that has been there. Someone in my shoes. Dorry & Whisper, is it possible I can ask for your direct e-mail addresses so that we can converse daily on my progress privately for next couple of weeks. Or anyone else? Sometimes just venting or shooting the breeze helps too.

>Of course! Feel free to email me any time at [email]whisper28@excite.com.[/email] Something to keep in mind is that while Dorry and I have gone through similar experiences, there are quite a few other "experts" out here who can help as well - not to mention all the other folks who are going through your same sitch who would benefit from hearing your words and the responses to your posts. But, with that said, I (too) have an amazing friend from MB who was my support and confidant that helped me through my withdrawal, so do feel free to write and ask any questions you like.

I agree with you, the biggest help in getting over my WD has been my H. If you've not done so already, I strongly encourage both of you to read His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley ASAP. Talk about some eye-openers! For example, the OM used to call me every day during lunchtime. For some reason, after NC, I would get the hardest WD's when I didn't get that call. Instead of telling my H why, I just asked him to call me during lunch. Well, his schedule got busy and he missed a day or 2. WD's hit me like a ton of bricks. So, I finally broke down and told my H why. Now that he knows the importance of calling, he hasn't missed a day since. God, I love that man! (I'm getting misty-eyed just thinking about it.) It's things like that that really helped me through my WD's. Give it a try. Hopeful sounds like like a terrific H who'll do anything to help you through. Lean on him b/c there will be a time in the not too distant future where he'll need to lean on you to get over this too.

Oh, and, BTW - that was the #1 thing on my H's "wonderful" list ... "His Unconditional Love."

Keep posting, Undo. You'll get through this just fine.

Hi Whisper, nice to hear your story too. Up until now I've mostly been reading from BS which has been helpful, but was kind of wondering where the other ww who are in recovery were... (or who were not way into it). You learn a lot in the NC process about your "needs" (wants?)... if you can "listen" to yourself...

Hmm.. a couple of things to help you maybe. Everytime that phone rings, your husbands heart breaks, because he thinks it's the OM also. Every car that drives by, your house or on the street, OM is a driver or passenger in it, sneaking some way to look at you. Everytime your husband drives up to his own house, he is thankful that OM isn't there visiting you, and he is fearful that maybe he stopped by. Every thought you might have of pining for OM, your hsuband has 1,000 x that thought, in the other direction, and probably many more times a day than you do. (i say probably because I am the BS, not the WS.)

As for the addiction. My wife and I both have tried to quit smoking. We tried together each time. Patches and such...but we kept failing. This time we are doing pretty well. I think we are about 4 months in now. But at around 2.5 months, I realized we were both committed to it individually, and that the other person could break our own individual resolve a bit by failing themselves. I approached her on it and informed her that I would 'kick her a__' if she smoked. It was done jokingly, and in love, but, in some weird non-abusive fashion, I am serious. I've worked too hard at this point to have it introduced into my life by my wife, who is supposed to be working with me on this. Try to apply that to your husband also right now. He may not seem very noble to you at this point, but, believe me, he is in the aspect that he is saying I forgive you. The words may not be there yet, I don't know your specifics, but, if he didn't just walk out the door on you, he is telling you he forgives you. But, he is gonna need your support on it...and if you keep failing him, sooner or later, the door is gonna swing closed.

You have to choose your marriage over this OM. It is a constant unwavering decision...much like your husband has to choose to forgive you right now, probably at the rate of about 1 times per second. I think you would be surprised if you could actually see inside his head and how much pain is there.

Undo,

What you are doing takes great courage, but also requires the support of your H. You have proven that you are willing to do what is necessary but you will need the assistance from the one that loves you the most and knows you the best - your H.

Remember not to shut him out for any reason. If you feel urges to contact the OM then go to your H and hug him. If he is not around then call him. You don't always need to say why because that could create conflicts and misunderstandings. Just tell him you love him and enjoy being with him.

Strength is needed so that you can be where you want to be - in your H arms. If you feel weak and he is not around and you cannot call him then keep this in mind - there was a reason you married your H. Think back on the days that make you smile. Maybe a vacation, a place you went too, the way he makes you laugh, or just sitting around under a tree. Something kept you together this long and those memories are what will keep you going. Also, the more you remember those memories the more you will want to create new ones with him and that should be a motivation factor for you.

Don't forget the help that friends/family can provide. The "Support System" you are looking for is a great idea, but sometimes emails don't get responded to soon enough. You can never have too much support. Your friends/family will look after you when they understand what you have done and what your goal is. They will help you feel protected and continue to watch over you to provide reassurance that you are making the right choice. Addicts of any kind always need as much help as possible. Otherwise, that's like saying, "No, I have enough money. You keep it."

Create plans by doing things you both enjoy. These things will help bring the togetherness that you need. The more active time you spend together the more it will take the OM off your mind. Soon, you won't even think about the OM because of how much fun you are having with your H. Eventually you will discover that it wasn't the OM that you loved, but the EN he provided. Let's face it, would you have been happier if your H would have provided that EN and would have been with you during your times of betrayal? The OM was nothing more than a fill in... a substitute for your H. The withdrawals you feel are not for him, but for the EN that you recieved.

Since this is my first post and I'm sort of new I'm assuming H4F is Hopeful4Future by looking at your other posts. He seems to be very supportive of you and I envy the two of you. You have come a long way in a short time based on the posts I have read. My wife had an A and she stumbled a few times during her withdrawals. Unfortunately, this only created problems and it got to the point that I couldn't keep riding the roller-coaster of emotions so I left her. DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU. You H will support you but his trust in you is very fragile and the slightest relapse could finally push him over the edge. So, if you do feel the urge to contact the OM consider this - is the OM worth losing your H forever? You already made the mistake by having the A in the first place, but he has shown his love for you by wanting to stay with you. Don't take him for granted as my wife did. She has since then been begging for me back but I'm hesitant because she kept calling the OM back.

Godbless you and the road you two will travel.

LittleBob, RookKev, Whisper, and everyone else,

Does anyone have a tissue? <sniff>

Thanks for the encouragement you are offering. Also, welcome LittleBob to a place many of us call home. This place has helped us so much that I don't think we would be even close to the progress we have made had it not been for the people here.

Undo and I are going to be quite busy for the next couple of weeks. I really believe that the affair wasn't about the OM, but about the EN of recreational companionship. Thankfully, God and my love for Undo gives me the strength everyday because I feel so tired, but she is SOOOOO worth it.

That's definately a big part of it, but don't settle into that being the only reason.

Undo I encourage you over the next few months, to keep looking at yourself, no matter how much it hurts. There are ALWAYS times in a marriage where your needs may not get met...so what in you allowed you to do what you did when you didn't get what you needed. Was it how you coped? Was it a tremendous overwhelming need, what were ALL the conditions in your life at that time.

Needs are a BIG part of it, but not the only thing. You need to keep digging deep inside yourself to figure out those problems, so that you can learn new coping skills, learn how to be somewhat self reliant for your needs when H can't meet those needs, due to travel, due to stress, due to sickness as those times will come up and you want to PROTECT yourself from a weakness in yourself that you now know you have.

It took me a good 6-7 months of many different reasons and brainstorming to finally figure it out, and now I am learning new things everyday about communicating different, gaining self confidence from myself and God, and not my H, and many other things.

This will be a long journey for you personally...but an amazing journey.

You guys are on the right path, and remember you are on a bit of high, there will be bad days, sometimes many bad days in a row...remember your goal, remember your changes, remember your new found commitment and just get through it!

Blessings to you both.

workingformore, actually I've been around… just in other posts. And thanks for asking how I am… As far as being open and honest about the addiction, I hate it. I hate to admit I’m weak. But I do recognize it, and no this is the first step to healing. Thank you so much sharing your experience as well. Hang in there. And remember, there’s always someone here to listen.

Today I’m doing ok. Things are busy at work so that’s a good thing. My H Hopeful4Future (H4F) has been calling me and IMing me, telling me he loves me over and over again… <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> that really fills the void. I love him so much and will do everything in my power to reinforce that to H4F, my commitment and my love to him by not giving in to temptation. I guess the old phrase “One Day At a Time” really does help.

I haven’t seen the OM in 1 month but have talked to him 2x’s when he called me. I have gone through a little bit of WD but I feel the whole impact will hit soon. Friday I’m going to the dr. for anti-depressants. So I can start on them right away and hopefully they’ll kick in when I really need them.

losttranslation, RookKev, LittleBob, thank you for your insight…for H4F aspect. It helps a lot. I CAN do this for him and for us. I told him last night, I known I’m strong enough to do this. I can feel it. I can be very stubborn at times and this is where it’ll come in handy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And Whisper, THANK YOU… Your encouragement, your experience has helped me so much.. and you’re right about the letter… It WAS too soft, I did give it to him in person but I though with his state of health (maybe turning over a new leaf) … he’d leave me alone. Obviously not. I’m still a little apprehensive on sending the letter but do feel it is the best thing to do. If anything I’ll give H4F piece of mind. And thank you again for your personal e-mail address… I considered talking to a neighbor about “everything” she a good person and trust her very much. I just worry about how she’ll see me differently now. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the list idea… I’m going to do that today.

Thanks everybody and especially Thank You Honey…I love you.

Undo

Thank you Dorry, I know this is not all peaches and cream. I know this is a long hard road. I thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I know I have a lot of soul-searching to do. Frankly, that's kinda scarey. Looking at my real self... not the one that trys to make sure everyone is happy. But the one has hurt the ones I love in my life.

Thank you... Undo

You think confessng the truth to your H was scary - it's nothing compared to some of the realities you will face when you look deep inside yourself, but as hard as it will be, you will NEVER regret doing it.

You will feel whole for the first time in a long time, figure out why things have happened your whole life, things that were part of you that you could hav changed.

It's a journey that has been amazing for me, and i am such a different person, yet the same...the same, yet enhanced, better. I communicated better, I don't get defensive like I used to, I truly take other people's POV into account now, unlike before where I couldn't wait to get MY POV out - neverminding someone elses.

And I am still a work in progress...I discover new things everyday about myself and my makeup as I constantly look inside myself. I do this all with God's guidance and help though...in my heart these changes have only come about due to Him...but that's just the journey I took spiritually.

You sound like you are on the right path Undo.

And I too gave my OM a "soft" goodbye and ran into problems like you did. A harsh NC letter that H read and I signed and sent, stopped it completely. If he finds ways around your changed number, etc. Send a very harsh blunt letter - he will get the point if there is no softness whatsover.

Oh, one other thing - The weekend after NC, my H went to the Indy 500 while I visited some friends in Minnesota. These trips were already planned b/c we were on the verge of a D. During that weekend, I wrote my H a long letter that explained exactly how I feel ... that I'm sorry for what I've done, why I came back; and how committed I am to our M and recovery. Not sure about you, but when I have to share my feelings verbally, I usually get tongue-tied and forget the important details. With writing, I have several chances to review & edit and convey exactly what I intend to say. The funny thing was I text-message the whole thing (all 3 pages worth) to him while he was in Indiapolis ... on our 12th anniversary.

Well, I've kept a copy of that letter right here on top of my desk. When I find myself fantasizing about the OM/A, I would pull that letter out and remind myself the difference between fantasy and reality. You may want to give that a try - I'm certain H4F will appreciate it too!

"when I have to share my feelings verbally, I usually get tongue-tied and forget the important details. With writing, I have several chances to review & edit and convey exactly what I intend to say"

You say you said I had to chuckle.. I GET THE SAME WAY!. That's why this board is such a great tool for me and H4F. Thanks for the advice. I do have a letter I sent him too...

Thanks again
Undo

Undo,

About the NC letter. You write it, then give it to your H for his approval and suggestions Then BOTH of you sign it, and have your H send it in the mail. THAT IS HOW A NC LETTER SHOULD BE HANDLED...by both of you.

You see NC is not just about you, it is about your H as well. You BOTH need NC to heal. Further, you two are a team and this thing should be addressed in a team manner. It will seem strange to you, but trust me OM will get the concept of NC IF your H is involved with the letter and the sending of it. Work together on this.

Oh, if you are having trouble telling your H things and they are things you don't want to post here, write him a letter. I would suggest this letter might contain any insights you are gaining, triggers you have with WD, how your H could help (I liked the noon phone calls mentioned to supplant OM's calls). Further you might want to solicit a letter of the same time from your H detailing where he is, what triggers him, what he FEARS (yes us guys do have fears, but we rarely admit to them), and how he would like to be helped by you.

THEN, take the two letters and POJA away for each of you to help the other based on what you two have written down.

Just some thoughts... OH, and if you start doing this, I suspect <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> you might find OM is on your mind less and less, but he will pop in uninvited for months to come, you BOTH need to understand this. After all he represented your escape from reality.

God Bless,

JL

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> << Bump >> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Undo

How are you doing, Undo?