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Kandi, Wow your posts sure do bring out the posters. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> As we chatted before I told you that I would respect your decision and I still mean it. As a friend it hurts me to see you suffering so and want you t/b happy. As an MBer, I want you to make a good plan for your future and work through your issues 1st and your future 2nd. In that order. Now here is where the paths cross. Sometimes your futre comes before your issues are completed. This can make your life complicated. My suggestion: Simplify your life. Make a plan. If this new guy is that great, he will work with your plan and it will be a good test of your future R. It will also give you the time you need to step back and see where Kandi really wants to go. As varied as these posts are, the one common thread I see is that all want you t/b happy. Most realize we can't help Ed be happy because Ed still wants t/b a WS. Until Ed heals himself, he w/b as he is. You though have a choice to move forward. All your previous MB experience and all the other good things you have learned in life can now be used in real life. Make the changes to keep you moving forward. You want the right man for you and you want t/b the right woman for him. Regardless of when you meet him it will not only be right but the R will have the time and the patience to do the right thing. I think you said that but maybe some of us are not hearing it, right? I certainly understand how you can be feeling but also know the dangers it can bring. Remember in the A a WS often does not have control of their feelings but as a BS we know how important it is to have control of our feelings in order to keep a level head and do what we need to do. The D will require a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Ed it appears will continue to test you so you will need the same for him. Your R will look like an oasis, a haven from all the turbulence from Ed, the D, the OC and the A. That's just 1 aspect of your life. Chaos will still happen in other parts and yes, you have to be ready to handle that also. So when you feel like you are unwanted or no one cares, it is nice to have 'firends' to help you through. It is nice to have people that care. Right now it probably w/b good if that 'special guy' c/b one of those caring friends. In a safe place, put your R with him in a general category. It w/b a good test for your R and give it the time to be strengthened. Then as you emerge from all the drama with the D and continue to deal with the chaos from Ed, OC, OW, etc., you will have a strong R to help balance your load and you w/b giving a good R in return to all your friends. At that time, some of your friends will step back since your emergency will have subsided but that special friend will begin to shine since then it w/b his time to step up and into your life in a more permanent place. This stuff takes time Kandi. I know you know this. Hugz, L.
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I see OM as her ONLY way to be free of him for good.
... A few of us have stepped up and had the stones to voice our opinions. But I suspect (looking at the number of views) that what speaks bigger is the people who HAVEN'T replied for fear of not being PC/MB correct. It doesn't take balls to voice ones opinion on this matter one way or the other. And what the heck does the number of views got to to with anything? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I'll claim a couple dozen of those. I am far more interested in the responses to such a situation than I am to M2's continuing saga. M2 seemed to think this was some amazing statistic also. ...it still really baffles me the amount of people who are interested in this...have you seen the # of views! WOW! That is insane! What's insane is that a person could actually thrive on this kind of attention. What's insane is the double standard that many MBers hold regarding infidelity. The bottom line is that M2 is no longer faithful to her husband. Period. Her excuses are no more valid than his.
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Holy Majoly! I haven't even read all the replies...Just got in from the Dr office...
You know I have thought this thru long and hard...I did not go out and FIND this man...good grief people! My feelings for Ed have been over for a very long time...there is NOTHING there anymore..I love him, but only as the father of my children...I will always have feelings for him...we were married for 13 years...
As far as not being married anymore...Well, I haven't felt married for a very long time...as if it weren't for the darn courts, we WOULD be divorced by now...this marriage was OVER a long time ago...I put it on hold ONCE...then we had to wait and wait and are still waiting...This is in no way shape or form the same as what Ed did or any other WS...I never hid this from him..I told him from the Get go...This is NOT A SECRET to ANYONE..I am not sneaking around with this man...
As far as doing this to get Ed jealous...absolutely NOT...I have been on several "dates"...or whatever you want to call them...One guy basically wanted to marry me after the first date...yea, put that one off real fast...I did not feel at all cmofortable with any of those men, I felt guilty going out with them....but this one..I feel no shame at all....
This is so different...call it what you like! however, I only feel love and compassion for this man...He makes me feel good...Ed cant do that to me...never has done that to me...
anyway, enough of that...I will go back and read the replies now as I am sure there is something that needs to be read and listened to!
The more I think about it, the more I dont want to stop seeing him...why should I? I am sure he would wait for me til my divorce is final, but there's no need to wait...I did all I could to get Ed to wake up...it is funny how he has woken up only after I have found someone...I'm sorry... Same old WS justifications we hear from EVERY WS. Ed could have said the same things she did. Kandi, you may be done with the marriage, but the marriage isnt done with you. Just as it wasnt done with Ed. Thus, you sunk to Ed's level and have no moral high ground anymore. Just as Ed will, you will stand before the Lord and account for YOUR adultery. You cant get around that...especially since you are not sorry for it. You didnt just sin against Ed (because really, he is a jerk and who cares, right?). You are sinning against God. And you seem to not care. Good luck though. I do mean that. In His arms.
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I think this thread is a prime example of the "shift in values" that a person takes when becoming an adulterer.
It doesn't happen over night. It's a slow change of a from a value system based on integrity, to one based on entitlement.
This is how the aliens take over folks. The change is slow, and no one notices, until one morning you wake up and the WS is babbling in a language system you no longer understand. BR, absolutely correct!! In His arms.
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I'm sorry - it seems like you are putting Kandi on the same level as Ed - Ed who cheated and broke up their marriage - Ed who had another child while still married??? There is no way that what she is doing should be remotely compared to what Ed did.
Kandi - it might not be the "right" thing to do but if it is a good thing for you then I hope you are happy. I know after my divorce I found someone who treats me so wonderful and makes me feel so good about myself and it has helped me tremendously - yes I waited until I was divorced but let me tell you if he had shown up before I was I would have jumped at the chance to date him. Adultery is adultery, no matter what FLAVOR it is!! Cant get around that. In His arms.
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Another thought: does your mom know about your new man? If not, I think you really have to think about your objectivity that what you are doing is really ok in your mind. LOL...yes snow, my mom knows about this new man..I hold no secrets from her...She supports me in whatever makes me happy...she was at the house on Saturday night wwhne I had invited Ed for dinner...he was a nervous wreck trying to eat and get out of there to get to OW house before she got mad...He had the steaks cooked before we even got home...funnily he broke up with her an hour later and came BACK to the house to tell me...Now he has hurt her once again, but I think she took him back...and has made a whole big mess... I cant tell you what Ed is willing to do to sae this marriage...He has to tell me...if he wants to come here for the help, that's fine...however, it would take a LOT of work, not only because of the OM, but because I do not trust that man as far as I could throw him...can HE resist OW forever? I doubt it...I dont think things will ever be the same...he had plenty of time to make the wrong right...I will not take blame for him splitting u pthe family! Nope. You dont have to take blame for splitting up the family. You do have to take blame for committing adultery Kandi. I am so disappointed in you. You could have got out of this with the moral high ground and gotten everything you deserve. Unfortunately, God wont be mocked. He set the rules...you broke them. And you arent sorry for it. That is a recipe, as Pep would put it, for a major butt whooping from the Lord! no way to avoid it Kandi...except thru repentence. And repentence means asking forgiveness and then turning from your sin. You are neither sorry and have said that you wont turn from your sin. I feel so bad for you, for the OM and your family. I know this is not over with. You only see the fantasy. And it is fantasy because you didnt do it right. And you KNEW better. Unfortunately, the time will come where I will be able to say "I told you so." And I wont be happy about it because I do really care for you and your family. In His arms.
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Good grief. How can this be infidelity??!! I guess under the strickest defintions but really, good lord. We are living in a new century and it doesn't sound like you were sneaking around or hiding it. And besides hasn't your husband gone back and forth many times only to let you down again repeatedly??!! Lighten up folks.
I have only read the first posts on this thread but got to say--take care of you and those kids and if you are dating a nice man--good for you. Doesn't mean he will be everything and rebound relationships and---blah blah blah---I am sure you have heard it all. Might not be the wisest relationship but if it keeps you from going back to someone who continually hurts you, go for it. Maybe this is your declaration of freedom from being hurt over and over again.
Just had to throw my support behind you Kandee.
Tiggy You are either divorce or you are married. There is NO middle ground. If there was, then no BS could ever be upset with the WS because all they did was draw the line at a different spot. Married or divorced. If you are married, and have a relationship with another...it is adultery. EVERYTIME!! Enforce the boundaries, folks. Or marriage...and this site...mean nothing. In His arms.
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Really people! How much does she have to take from Ed before you give her "permission" to give up and move on? How can you have ANY hope that Ed will change his ways?
Are we all so lost that we don't think this man knows what he's getting himself into? Your all acting as if she hiding something from him, good grief. My guess is he's an adult and likes Kandi inspite of some baggage she may bring with her. You know there are mature adult men who are capable of handling that kinda thing.
And as for Kandi "finding herself", what a bag of garbage, really. Kandi's had plenty of alone time to "find herself"
and I think she's had enough of it.
Kandi, you go for it, take it slow though. If this man is what you need to move on from that waste of skin H of yours - head on! You gave your all, You have earned it!
DISCLAIMER: This is NOT advice I would give to anybody but someone who has endured what you have and been S**T on so many times. She can give up. She can move on. She can get divorced. She cant move on until she is divorced. That is adultery and makes her no different than Ed. No different than any other WS. Sorry, but the truth is the truth. In His arms.
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JUDGE NOT LEAST YOU BE JUDGED. This is the most misquoted and misunderstood passage in the Bible. God does not say that we shouldnt judge. He actually says the opposite...that Christians should judge...but not judge hypocritically. I hate when Scripture is taken out of context. In His arms.
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Kandi,
This is NOT about Ed. It is about your and YOUR morals. It is about you and what marriage means and you expect it to mean to the next man in your life. You are way to damaged right now to be getting serious about another man, or even Ed.
Get the divorce, heal for some months and THEN see where you are. You are going to hurt this man you claim is so good, and you are going to hurt yourself. When you are afraid of the future, you should not face it by jumping into another relationship. It will hurt your kids, you, and yes your future.
Please think about this, a lot of the reasons one should not date while married and you are married, based not just in religion, but in the reality of how human's function. You are hurt, your vulnerable, and you are blind to many things right now. That is why marriage vows and waiting until the marriage is fully and legally done with is a good thing for you and your kids.
God Bless,
JL As usual...JL speaks the truth. In His arms.
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I have to say I agree with betrayedNJersey.....
Live your life Kandi and do what you feel is right for YOU!! Oh my God...that is exactly what WSs do. this society is falling apart with ideas like this. Do what feels right?!?! Sheesh! How about just doing right! In His arms.
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BIJ! HOW the HECK are you girl! I've missed you! Yea, our paths each went differently! But I'm great now! For those of you who think this post was "for Ed"...it is NOT for Ed! It was so I can get different view points and so I can be HONEST with what I am going thru...however, I see most of you STILL think I am making things up as I go along! That's OK! WHATEVER...It doesn't matter WHAT the heck I do...MOST of you will not be satisfied wtih it! But, hey, it's not your life, it's my life! I guess now you want me to reconcile with Ed, cuz he seems to have come out of the fog! OH OK! But then I'll get slammed for reconciling with him and not going thru with the divorce! OH OK! No matter what I do, you people will never be happy...but I AM happy...so be happy FOR me, ok! Now, about manipulating Ed...naw, I'm not trying to do that...he asked me to be honest on MB and so I am being honest...He has said he will wait for me...so be it...I dont know what goes thru that man's head half the time...I do think that me meeting this "new man" has made his eyes open pretty wide...He told me to "give him a break" when I spoke to the OW again..I have not called her back....but he wants me to give him a break and not tell her about this new man cuz he wants to leave the door open on both ends! Now as far as the kids are concerned...dont feel sorry for them! They are happy as a clam...Hey, they just got home from going to dinner with their daddy for a whole hour 1/2! Hows that for spending time with them! Oh and he also took them to the toy store....again...I guess I shouldn't complain though, at least it wasnt' the PAWN SHOP as he had taken them the previous three times! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> But, like I said, dont worry about them...I still spend time with them...and take them to their DRS appts, and to their school funcitions and extracurricular activities.. Hey, did you know that their daddy has never been to a single PSYCH visit with them...Oh yea, and DS6 was told by his daddy that HE would come out and watch him play ball during summer camp! I asked DS6 if daddy ever showed up and he said NO! I guess I could have him move back in here so they can be even happier...but then we woul dfight, and there woul dbe no love, he would just do his thing, me mine! Is that healthy? and finally as far as this guy goes! Yes, he is very real! sorry, but he is! I'm a big girl people! Lets get some facts straight now, shall we! Ed has been physically living OUT OF THE HOUSE since March 2, 2004...that is approx 17 months...yes, he did come back and waffle a few weeks here and there...but nonethesless that long! Have you ever heard of common law marriage...it is when you live with someone without going before GOD or a JUDGE to get married, but yet you are considered "married" by common law...So, just think of this as a common law divorce... As far as me healing myself...I've done that...I am happy and was happy before meeting "mr. wonderful"...I start school in a few weeks and I may even have a JOB! Anyway, Thanks to you all who have responded to me...it still really baffles me the amount of people who are interested in this...have you seen the # of views! WOW! That is insane! Really, I just wanted to be honest here...but see what honesty gets you at MB...a dear MB friend of mine whom shall remain nameless at this time said this was a cult! I'm beginning to think that myself! so, you guys have fun now! and dont you worry one bit about MY children...they are happy campers! A cult?? Now I KNOW she is in the fog. In His arms.
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I think there is no doubt at this point that Kandi is legally married. Whether she's emotionally married, that's up for her to decided. In order to move to another relationship, she needs to be a) legally out of her marriage and b) mentally able to move on. It's not just earning your way out of a marriage but working through all of the stages. Then you can be ready for the next relationship.
For another thing, I feel sad that Kandi is not taking advantage of the growth situation offered her. One can live without a man, a big house and a fancy car. One can have great friends and group activities. Learn to date again. Try to be independent. Try all the different things you always wanted to do. The right material possessions don't make for happiness. Believe me, this is something I've been thinking a lot about. I'm going to come out of this a very different person than I was before. I want a little time, alone and relationship-free, to figure the new me out.
It's not fair to dis Kandi about what she wants and gets from this forum. We're all here for support. We all want to hear what we want to hear. Most of us get alot out of this board. Sometimes, we're like little [censored] teenagers and have our moments. I appreciate the people who've been through the long, dark tunnel and still come back here to help us deal with our individual messes. Is this topic a powerplay for Ed's attentions? Joyfulness? Bragging? Or just moving on a bit too soon? I suppose I'd have to read each post more carefully to discern that.
Good luck MF4M, don't let all this scare you away. GG, yes...we are here to support Kandi. And I am. But we are not here to support adultery, nor wrong behavior. We should never do that. It does not help Kandi. In His arms.
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RM, I am in no way "cheering this on"
I would hope Kandi could move on without Ed and spend some time alone for clarity. What your missing here is how impossible that is for some people. There are people in our world who hate being alone. I am one of them. Personally, I don't think thats such a bad thing. The pull of love from another person is so strong that it's impossible to avoid.
You see, this fear of being alone allows Ed to manipulate Kandi. When he blabbers and spews all the words of manipulation she buys it because what she needs more than anything is to be a part of that union.
SOOOO, IMO what we have here is a choice. Kandi can continue being manipulated Ed (I think we could both agree this won't end when the D is final) OR someone else can pull her to the other side.
I'm of the opinion that Ed is WAY beyond hope. What Ed has put her through is abuse beyond any I have ever seen. I see OM as her ONLY way to be free of him for good.
Kandi, you do have support no matter how these posts read. A few of us have stepped up and had the stones to voice our opinions. But I suspect (looking at the number of views) that what speaks bigger is the people who HAVEN'T replied for fear of not being PC/MB correct.
Good for you who have HAD the stones and speak up for her! I have huge stones!! And I am speaking up for Kandi. Just wish she would see the truth. In His arms.
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I see OM as her ONLY way to be free of him for good.
... A few of us have stepped up and had the stones to voice our opinions. But I suspect (looking at the number of views) that what speaks bigger is the people who HAVEN'T replied for fear of not being PC/MB correct. It doesn't take balls to voice ones opinion on this matter one way or the other. And what the heck does the number of views got to to with anything? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I'll claim a couple dozen of those. I am far more interested in the responses to such a situation than I am to M2's continuing saga. M2 seemed to think this was some amazing statistic also. ...it still really baffles me the amount of people who are interested in this...have you seen the # of views! WOW! That is insane! What's insane is that a person could actually thrive on this kind of attention. What's insane is the double standard that many MBers hold regarding infidelity. The bottom line is that M2 is no longer faithful to her husband. Period. Her excuses are no more valid than his. Very true!! In His arms.
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I want to thank everyone for your support and let you know I appreciate it from every view point...I have been "on my own" now since March 2, 2004...approx 17 months...I shoul dhave filed for divorce long ago, but because of my big heart I wanted to make sure I tried everything to give this marriage the chance I felt it deserved...Looking back now, I realize Ed had no intentions of ever making it work...he would come home only to leave again...I received an email from him last week..here is an excerpt from it:
I am not waiting for you, we are done. Try not to put all your eggs in one
emotional basket. You may get burned. there are lots of players out there
remember Robert? He swept a woman off her feet while she was getting
divorced, she ate it up. Now he is with someone else.
When I get my place I will be happy to keep the kids as much as they want
and you will allow above the court requirements. Those boys love me and I
love them.
OW and I are fine I love her. We never broke up I just had some
control issues. Yes it was not about love, I would have left again. You can
thank me later for getting us out of this bad marriage before it was too
late for us.
keep me informed through email about kids activities. Be a good mother.
We need to work to coparent thes boys remember that. I am always going to be
their daddy and they know that. They are too grown up not too regardless of
who you bring home. As you are thier mom.
You moving on has helped me break the cycle of
feeling guilty and finally freed me to enjoy my life fully. I am happy and
have been. I have always loved OW just guilt over our failing marriage
and all the wasted energy and resources would draw me back to try and force
it to work but I could not.
The court has given him a visitation schedule of every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend of the month...last weeked was the 5th...this was the 1st...the boys waited for him until 2:00 on Saturday for him to pick them up...I finally called him and asked if he had planned to pick his kids up...he said no, I had them LAST weekend...I reminded him of the schedule and he said that "I have plans" he then said he would see what he could work out...he called back and told me he would get them in an hour and bring them home 5 hours later and that I "better be home on time" He took them to eat, to a pawn shop and to the toy store to buy more toys to bring home to my house...he told DS9 that if the game he bought at the pawn shop did not work, that mommy was to take it back..it didn't work...I had HIM take it back...
I have asked him to please not take the kids into pawn shops, but he insists he can do what he likes...I have also asked him not to buy the kids toys each time he sees them..again he can do as he wishes...which is fine by me...however, the toys be buys for them will be going into a box from now on for him to keep at his new place...
I am putting this new relationship on hold until my divorce is final...If it is meant it will be...he does not want to complicate things for me...I have no intentions of reconciling with Ed...if I did at this point, it would only be for financial reasons...
i look back on my 14 year relationship with him and now realize I was an emotionally abused wife...I think of all the times he was sooo impatient with me for just going to the bathroom in public and taking a bit too long cuz the line was long...I would hear ****** when I got out of the bathroom..."what the he!! took you so long" his hands would go up in the air and I would cower as to not get yelled at...
The kids and I are doing really well...we have a routine down and school starts next week..my dad's 68th birthday was yesterfday...it was a hard day...that is the last "first" we have to get thru...
Right now, I am going to focus on myself and my children...
we go back to mediation in Sept...and hopefully be able to finalize it then...He is not following court orders as far as paying CS goes or even visitation...he is always late..
anyway, thanks for your support and all the advice...I doubt I will be back posting anymore, but will read and lurk...thanks to all!
Last edited by MovingForward4Me; 08/08/05 05:00 PM.
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Kandi, I am glad that the nightmare is ending for you! I know this has been a rough and chaotic 17 months. You now will have your whole life ahead of you. I wish you only the best. In looking at the post from Ed, it did validate much of what I was saying. You moving on has helped me break the cycle of
feeling guilty and finally freed me to enjoy my life fully. I am happy and have been. I have always loved OW just guilt over our failing marriage and all the wasted energy and resources would draw me back to try and force it to work but I could not. By you having a relationship with the OM, he now no longer feels guilty because you really have done as he did. I know you didnt intend that. I know you gave this all of your effort. You never deserved the crap he dished out to you. I just wish you could have left this intact, and that the guilt would stay where it belongs...with Ed. But now to the future. I am glad you have put things on hold with the OM. And are concentrating on finishing out this marriage. You will be glad you have done this. I hope you do stick around and let us know how things go with you, as we all have enjoyed having you around. So, if not...I will just say good luck and trust the Lord for everything. In His arms.
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MF4M, thank you for sharing your story. You have done everything you could and that really matters. Your kids will know that and appreciate it. You are and will always be their super mommy.
Good luck and wish you all the happiness you deserve.
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Joined: Mar 2004
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thank you for giving me your full support! I have had a very emotional evening...I have cried non stop since about 5:00...I dont know what my future holds, but I do know it does not include this man that I claimed to be my husband for so many years of my life...the man I travelled the world with...the man I brought three children into this world with... I dont know if my future holds a place with this "new man" in it... I receieved two emails from Ed today...he has been reading here and has identified my new username...hence the deleted posts by me...I will not go into details about what the emails said..however I will also not allow this man to control my life any longer...I am a grown woman...I will not do anything "stupid"... School starts next week for the kids, and two weeks later for me...I am looking forward to finishing my degree..although I would stil love to finish it in Criminal Justice as that is where my passion is, however I must think of my kids and being a single parent...the CJ field is very intense and long hours...so I will be starting over with an Education degree..I'll be the oldest "college" student on campus...but hey, I'll the most mature one as well! I have a very good friend that is here for me thru thick and thin...she has been here throughout the night for me to cry to... I am not sure why today has been so emotional for me...maybe everything is falling into place...I dont know...my feelings for this "new man" are rearing it's soul and that scares me...however, i believe in my heart if it is meant to be it WILL be... Maybe in two, three, four months from now, I can come back with an update that you can support...I made a decision tonight to go "back to" church...I was very heavil active in church before March 2, 2004 when my world as I knew it came crumbling down on me...I quit going immediately upon finding out about Ed's affair...I felt very guilty about it...now, I think it is time to return...I knew that I would go back when I felt the time was right...now it is the right time... anyway, I have been here a long time now...I have seeen many new names come and go...ya'll have watched me from my very first post as momto3boys and saw me on TV...many of you supported me and many of you hit me with 2 x 4's...I didn't take too kindly to those 2 x 4's at the time...but over the course of many months/year it finally sunk in... I never tried to manipulate any of you if that is what you think...I always took your advice to heart...sometimes it takes people a while to "get it"...I was one who wanted so badly to "save" a marriage that wasnt' even there...it never was... That all being said...it is not safe for me to post here any longer...I have a bitter divorce going on...I know i am an excellent mother...I know I was a good wife...Whatever I have posted here today, yeterday, last week, last month or last year was NEVER intended for him to read...I used this board as a support system which really helped me thru my most troubling of times.. You guys have helped me thru more than you can even imagine...the A, the OC, my fathers death, going on national TV <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> and now my divorce... I have made many unique friends here...I have got to get on with my life now and say goodbye to MB...i am not sure why I am such an emotional wreck righ tnow...but I am nonetheless...maybe after my divorce is finalized I can come back here and give an update...thanks for the support...even to those who have learned to hate me along the way! I still respect your opinions!
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,204
Member
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Member
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,204 |
Kandi, I am glad life is finally moving on to the next chapter for you and I wish you well in life and in your studies. You have been through alot. and I am glad you have decided to wait the few months for the divorce is final before getting into anything with this new man. It will be better for everyone involved, including your kids <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> as you will be teaching them what Ed won't be able to teach - the right thing. You are a strong woman and deserve happiness and I wish all that to you and your family, God bless
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