Post deleted by rsbw

Hang in there. Take a whole lotta deep breaths, a tall cup of tea or coffee (whatever you relax with) and just take it all slow. Its making your head spin now but trust me, there are plenty steps you can take to not only heal from this but you can use it as a giant wake up call. There are alot of principles you can get from this website and some wise folks here that will walk along side you.

Feel free to read my blog (go all the way to the beginning to get the synopsis). Rather than rewriting it all here, you can read it and find that there is hope and life after infidelity.

As for the OW, she may feel incredibly guilty and be unable to look you in the eye.

Thanks-its comforting to know that someone cares-

This is very difficult. Normally it is advised to contact the OW's husband and demand no contact. By not saying anything you in fact are enabling the affair to continue. No contact is essential. Marriage counseling is a must. In addition, contacting an attorney just to know what your legal options are makes sense. Your husband is in a fog. Make sure he knows what is financial obligations will be if he leaves. Again demand marriage counseling and demand that he take an STD test. I wish you luck.

Post deleted by rsbw

Did it feel as good to rant as it sounded? Its so much better than keeping it inside. There are so many folks here that care and have been there. Keep up the good work and try to understand that you are blessed to have a husband that is willing to try.

Thanks- but daily he changes his mind-its killing me I realize his withdrawal has only been 6 days- but I don't know if I can handle this for a long period of time-
Helpless and hopeless-

Hi,

First, I'm sorry that you have to be here, but there really isn’t a better place to get information on dealing with infidelity in marriage that I know. Second, calm down. You will live through this, you really will. Third, get ready for the ride of your life.

I am the one that had the affair in my marriage. It was back in 01. My wife and I are at the best place we have ever been in our marriage. I say this because I want you to know where I'm coming from and that people do recover from infidelity.

I'm glad to hear that you have started counseling. Make sure your counselor is pro-marriage and has experience dealing with infidelity. Most don't.

There are reasons that people have affairs. Note that I didn't say that there are excuses, because there aren't any. People usually seek out others because they have some unmet needs that they haven’t gotten filled in the marriage. You and your husband are responsible for the state of your marriage pre-affair. He is solely responsible for the decision to have an affair. Again, it isn't your fault that your husband cheated. Repeat that until you believe it. You need to find out what those unmet needs are and do your best to fill them. There is an emotional questionnaire on this site. I would start with that.

You should have your husband checked for STDs because if this OW's H is cheating on her too, god know what he gave her, and in turn, she gave to your husband. Do not have sex with him without protection until he gets tested. A nice case of the clap, that your H gives to you, would be a lovely reminder of his affair.

This is going to be a very long and painful process. There is a better place down the line.

Be kind to yourself now. Be patient. Don't believe much you WS says. He is going to a mess too. Watch for what he does.

I don't think that you can continue to live across the street from his affair partner. I think that you need to put the house up and move. No contact with the OW is what you both need.

Rsbw

Sorry you are here under the circumstances you are in!
It seems your Husband is deep in the fog and confused to say the least. IMHO I think this Affair started long before any physical part of it happened. Your husband is emotionally attached to this woman since she filled needs he thought he required or did actually require. Being in the fog you may hear much nonsense and flip-flopping as what he thinks he wants. This will pass if you hang in there and show him what he stands to loose, (You, your support, your love and dedication). This is hard for a BS (Betrayed Spouse). Many of us betrayed spouses had to and still are carrying the load for the WS (Wayward Spouses) terrible mistake. We are the ones horribly hurt to the core but yet we are the ones who must do what we can to pull things together again until our spouses recover from withdrawal. This does not mean you have to be a doormat but it does mean you need to reasonably do what it takes to help him through this mess he created.
It has been said in this thread that you are not responsible for his affair. It was his decision alone.
Prepare a list of absolute boundaries for your husband and give him a list of your expectations when he emerges from the fog. Your list is not negotiable but must be reasonable and attainable for him. Work with him showing him kindness, caring, and strength but do not yield too the nonsense.

I also agree with Comfortably Numb. You need to remove you, your husband, and family from her presence even if that means moving elsewhere. His continued visual contact with her may bring on emotion but for sure your visual contact with her will further your hatred and remind you of his terrible mistake forever.

SM

Post deleted by rsbw

rsbw,

How are you today? I want to respond to some of the things you said.

"but apparently he's been feeling like he settled for something good but not great- he loves me and our family- but isn't sure if he's ever really been in love with me- because he felt something so different with his new toy-yes-
"

This is such a bunch of crap. Almost all WS say these things, I did too. People here call it rewriting the marital history. Usually an affair is so far out of the normal character of the WS that they look for reasons why they did it, to somehow justify it in there mind. If the marriage was wonderful and they had an affair then surely they are just not very nice people. If, however, the marriage was bad, if I really didn't love my spouse (I love you but I'm not in love with you speech) then what I did can seem reasonable to ther foggy mind.

You know, after my affair I convinced myself that I never really loved my wife. I was very sure of that. One day I was cleaning and sorting old boxes in the basement. I found a bunch of cards and letters I had written my wife before we were married and after. She kept everyone that I ever sent her. Anyway, I sat down and started reading. Guess what . . . I sat there and read the words of a younger me that was deeply in-love with his wife. I was so sure that I never had those strong feelings for my wife, I was mistaken. I really did love her. It was then that I realized that I was changing history to justify my behavior.

"I also told him he's had his ONE mistake and won't get another"

That is reasonable. I wouldn't accept a second affair either. Especially now that he knows for certain the damage that one causes a family.

" . . .if there is any contact whatsoever on his part or him responding to contact from her- I will pack his bag and leave it on the front porch- "

Watch giving him ultimatums. Make sure that if you say something like this you will carry it out. Most WS do have contact with the OP for a while. They try to find closure. (Yuck) I just want you to be realistic and expect that he will probably call her to see if she is alright. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It is good that you told your parents. You need someone on your side, your husband doesn't have a side right now. If he keeps seeing the OW you really need to tell his family and the OP husband. It is called exposure and it usually works pretty fast. Somehow affairs aren’t so fun once everyone knows about it. I know you said that he is violent so I would hold that bomb. Make your husband aware that you aren't afraid to use it. Maybe make up a flyer that you are considering passing out to all the neighbors. I wouldn’t necessarily go through with it, but it would probably be a good cathartic experience with the added bonus of scaring your husband sh!tless.



Take care of your family. I sure hope you make it. Divorce hurts kids.

Post deleted by rsbw

"What wakes them up ?"

Time.

You would probably benefit from reading a bit about the dynamics of an affair. Your brain is fed a chemical cocktail of endorphins and a slew of other very hard to pronounce compounds. The end result is that you become very high. Long term relationships just can't compete with that, and that is a good thing. People in affairs rarely make good decisions.

I think it is good that you are moving. Having the other woman across the street must be maddening. How are you doing? Have you gone to talk with anyone yet?

Again I know you are mad and hurt, but right now (and this isn't fair at all) you need to be the one that holds this mess together. You need to show your husband that you are the better option. Find out what his needs are and do anything in your power to fill them. You don't do this forever, you just do this to help him with is withdraw form the OW. Your husband is expecting you to treat him like [email]cr@p[/email], when you show him kindness and love it will really freak him out. You don't do this to enable or reward bad behavior. You do this because he is sick and you need to be the nurse for a while.

I can't say if your husband will come to his senses. I can say that even if you two do eventually divorce that you will have the peace of mind knowing that you did everything that you possibly could to keep your kid's home from being broken.

You are not a fool. You are a woman that has recently had her life shattered. You can either cave and quit or you can fight like ******. I personally would fight for what I want. Don't blame yourself if you don't even know what you want yet. Try not to think too much about the future. Keep your thoughts in the here and now. Decide what you are going to do today and do it. Do the same tomorrow.

EDITED TO ADD
Click on this link and read what john39 has to say. He as been throgh this. This is really a detailed plan for what you need to do.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2780908

Thank you for your insight- I have started posting in General Questions-more responses-I'd love your input
Thanks-