Right now my WH is miserable because he broke it off with OW 20 days ago. He does work with her and may pass in the hallway, but considering how miserable and depressed he is, I doubt he has said a word to her. 4 days after he broke it off, OW sent him a letter saying she would be there when he needed her, and she is in the final stages of her D. WH has said that he would probably be more hurt is she had broken up with him, but would probably be able to move on easier. I am so tempted to try talking to OW to ask that she tell WH that she is moving on and she wishes him luck with his M, but I am also afraid that would backfire. Can anyone give some insight on if this is a good or bad idea?

Bad, bad idea. Stay away from OW and insist your WH get another job. Did he send her a NC letter?

Read Surviving an affair. No contact is absolutely essential.

Change jobs.

BTW don;t talk to OP. They don't have your best interests at heart.

He didn't send a letter but had met with her in person. He said he told her he is going to commit to his marriage. I know he must have said something to that sort because I read the letter she sent him after.

VERY BAD IDEA!

I can not stress enough how bad of an idea talking to the OW is.

It can backfire and actually start communication up between her and your H again. Thus sending him back to day 1 of withdrawl.

2dog, I would ask him to send a NC letter that you read and approve to reiterate what he supposedly told her in person. Can he change jobs?

I am reading Surviving an Affair right now. 1/2 way done. He is "looking" for another job, but not as hard as I would be looking if I really wanted out, kwim. He does have a lot of great things at his company so he wants to find something comparable and we do live a ways from the city so working in Chicago is out of the question (it would be a 2+ hr commute each way).

If they haven't made contact (aside from passing in the hall at work) would a NC letter still be necessary now? Also, even though he told her he wants to commit to his marriage, he is second and thrid guessing that decision. He doesn't know if that is indeed where he wants to be (I'm guessing that is the withdrawl talking).

2dog, even casual contact like seeing each other in the hall extends the withdrawl period and sets him back to day one. No wonder he is confused.

I know, there is nothing he can do to avoid it, aside from quitting his job. I do send him job postings I find online in hopes that one will strike his interest (he said he doesn't mind that I do that). Sometimes I just feel so hopeless and he has even said that a part of him wishes that I would just set him free to go. When he says that I tell him he is free to leave anytime but he says he needs to stick it out to see if there is anything between us. But through his misery, he won't let himself even try to open up to anything that we could have again. Did that make sense? He just wallows in his misery and he was bringing me down too, but I have at least decided to not let his misery affect me, and I think that threw him for a loop this morning.

Hi 2dogmom,

It all sounds very common what you are going through.It's reminiscent of what my WH went through too.Huge indecision at what he should be doing,conflicting emotions,depression.

He sees the OW and it just keeps him plugged into the cycle.Like your WH mentioned,if the OW broke up with him it might be easier but essentially,he would love for someone,anyone, to be the one making the decisions for him right now.

My WH was like that too.Unable to break it off with the homewrecker but also too confused to really try and make a committment back to me either.So I had to be the one,as many are here,to make a move.Plan B and now,unfortunately,Plan D.But he never made a committment in either direction.When he was home we talked about us and how he screwed up and what a terrible mistake he made.I am sure the homewrecker never heard any of that though.He didn't want to burn either bridge,just in case.

Your WH is right in the middle of withdrawal so it's expected that he will be quite miserable for some time.I would also mention that I do not think it is wise to talk with OW either.

IMO,if you want to tell her to leave you and your WH alone and that you are working on your marriage and make yourself heard,I am all for that.I personally believe that these OP need to HEAR and sometimes SEE that yes,there really is another human being that is married to the man/woman you are running around with and they are hurting.But you should never call upon an OP to get information,validation or to get their assistance in anything.They are liars and users and don't care about the BS or family.

In my case,I called the homewrecker 3 times total.I could have,in hindsight made only one call to tell her what I thought of her but that's the past and even though I am not recovered,I am very glad I told her what a homewrecking sl** I thought she was,etc,etc.I would not undo that.There was absolutely going to be at least one moment where she would either hear me or see me and what I was going through.She would not get away so easliy with her "evil" actions.

Hang in there.

O

i did.

my first callwas to nicely ask her to walk away and give us the opportunity to rebuild our marriage. i stated the changed that i was willing to make since i have discovererd that i was not meeting his needs and told her that my husband was not willing to try as long as she was meeting those needs for him.

she was actually kind and said that he had toldher i was not willing to accept that i hadsome partin our problems, wold not make changes or go to counseling. she said that
if she had been with someone as long as we have been together and she asked for a chance, she would want the other person to give it to her. so she would do the sam for me.

however she said "if he calls in 8 months or so and says he's not happy...i'll be there for him"

then she told my husband all about the call and made me sound crazy. yeah...she really gave me a chance by making him madder at me.

so i followed that up with a call telling her that if she countinued to see my husband i would contact her husband and tell him everything. i would also offer to testify in court if he filed for divorce or custody based upon adultry.

she and her husband live with her mother-i told her i would contact her mother also.

did it work?

i'm waiting to find out.

but...i will do whatever i have to. if i don't get him back-i will know i tried everything and if he gets mad...what's the worst he can do? divorce me? He'll so that anyway if i do nothing!

if it were me this is what i would do:

i would give my husband a bit more time to find another job but make it clear that even casual contact is not okay.

also i'd wait and see if she makes another attempt to get back with him. if she does, i'd consider telling the other woman that iam going to talk to their boss about her continued efforts to contact my husband when he has made it clear that he wants no contact with her. that is harrassment. I would also tell my husband that i did this so he knows that i will do what i feel is needed to help both of them.

if she doesn't stop contacting him-i'd tell their boss...maybe one of them will get transferred or lose thier job-maybe they both will

does it really matter if it keeps them apart and you two together?

this is only how i would do things and it's based upon what i should have done when i first discovered that my husband and this woman were talking agai after thier affair had ended the first time.

they got back together.

whatever you decide to do...good luck!

BAD IDEA. They should never ever see each other again. Y'all are playing Russian Roulette with your marriage. He should leave this job and find another.

Dr. Willard Harley:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

would you send a newly recovering alcoholic into the bar every day and make him sit there and stare at a drink? But tell him he can't touch it? Day after day? Instead of recovering, he remains obsessed with that drink and thinks of nothing else except how good it would taste. He thinks of nothing else because his nose is rubbed in it every day.

After a while, the inevitable weak moment hits and he grabs the drink. He has no defense because the drink is sitting right there for him take. And he is off again....

Right now your H is going into the bar every day, staring at the drink. He is not withdrawing, he is not recovering. He is only headed for that inevitable weak moment.

2dogmom,
In the throes of my ex's emotional affair I met with the ow and asked her to please step aside and tell my husband that she wasn't interested in him anymore. She readily agreed and said that he and I deserved a chance to work on our marriage without her in the picture. I trusted her and in the end all she did was tell him she still had feelings for him. So DON'T ASK HER FOR ANYTHING!!!!

I met with my MC last night and she agreed that it would be a bad idea.

Melody ~ What you said is so true. I need to encourage him to keep looking to change jobs.