I am a little steamed today (Pep, I am going to need some meds...can you find me something?).

What in the world are we about here people, if we are going to give advice that it is okay to move on to another relationship while a person is still married?

It does not matter if one party is "done" with the marriage. It is still adultery.

It does not matter if papers have been filed. It is still adultery.

It does not matter if the WS and BS are living in separate houses. It is still adultery.

Anyone that knows my story, knows that all three of those things happened for me. My wife got in an affair because she had decided the marriage was over...jsut as almost every WS does. My wife then moved out to be with OM. She then filed paperwork for divorce, and we had even had our custody hearing, where I got custody of the kids.

During that time, I had started talking to another Christian woman that was going thru her divorce because her husband cheated on her. As we talked, I of course began to feel things. My wife had left, divorce papers filed. And some people on this board right now, if they had been around then, would have encouraged me to go and have some fun for once. Afterall, I was entitled because I had worked so hard.

Malarchy!!

I am married today because I didnt follow my feelings. I am married today because JustLearning, and Asylyne and others didnt sugarcoat what was happening and where I was headed. Go back and look at my thread from January 2003. Exactly the same things going on as Kandi. But I had people tell me like it was. And I immediately emailed this woman, told her that I thought things were headed in a certain way, that my marriage wasnt over, and that I had to tend to first things first.

And I do not regret doing that. Even if my marriage had ended (or might end in the future...we never know), I am glad that I did not follwo the route my wife did.

All during the affair, I would tell her that her rationalizations on why she was with the OM were fog. They were wrong. It was an affair.

If I had started up with that woman, I would have been NO DIFFERENT than her. Thus, all of my pointing the finger at her behavior and teling her that the affair must end...all I would have ended up being was a hypocrite.

This board is for helping marriages. And specifically for helping people that have been caught up in adultery(both WSs abd BSs). And even though some of these marriages may end, it is up to us to give the facts and to help each other thru this mess.

What we dont want to do is let our friendships and "feelings" allow us to be hypocrites.

So, I would hope we would get back on mission here. I for one have seen so much good with this board. It has helped so many. That is why I still post here...to give back. And I sure as heck dont want this to go the route of rationalizations and hypocrisy that is rampant on "GloryB.com."

If people want to help people feel good about their adultery, then go there. if people want to help people out of their adultery and situation and help them heal...then this is the place.

I am swinging a HUGE 2x4. Someone please take it out of my hand before I hurt myself.

In His arms.

Yep.

Totally agree. My lawyer told me that seperated doesn't mean squat to the legal definition of adultry.

What is Steve Harley's quote? Seperated is still married. Or something like that...

Mortarman,

I agree with you. I had the same opportunities you described during the 6 months FWW moved out after D-day 2. I kept all these opportunities at arms length, even though they made me feel good.

I admit to filing opportunities away for future reference, but I did not pursue or encourage anyone in any sort of additional infidelity. There was, and is, already way too much vitamin A in my life.

I recommend you put the thread I believe you are referring to in context.

It is just more of the Never Ending Drama.

Neither of the protagonists seems to be able to live without it.

It will go on forever. Both are in a living ****** of their own making. You can point out the exit over and over, but they have to open the door and step out.

With prayers,


Edit: Interesting. I type living "Hades" and the site automatically censors it with ****. This is new.

Undo and I have benefited from many on this site. Your past experiences and current problems have helped us determine the path to take or how to get back onto the right path.

Thanks to all of you. Oh, Mortarman... I think your rantings on the soapbox are insightful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Aphelion,

I totally agree. My anger here is not at Kandi and Ed. They have chosen the route they have taken, and can chose to change it at any time. To end the drama and have a real marriage. or end the drama and divorce and move on.

My anger here is at advice being given that is hypocritical. We tell WSs that they were wrong, that adultery is wrong. And then we give BSs that end up with someone that it is okay, you tried hard.

WTH??? I am just amazed. How in the world is that kind of advice gonna help anyone? We must be consistent. What is adultery? What is divorce? What is marriage? If it is a sliding scale, then it is all meaningless.

In His arms.

I find I have to consider the source in each case.

I agree. It seems that there isn't such a thing as black and white any more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Do you pick and choose your values depending upon the situation? I'm with you Mort. When you justify adultery in one situation, you justify it for all.

It is not an appropriate way to get your needs met. If Kandi had really given up on her marriage, she wouldn't have been dramatic about why Ed wants her back now. She is using this OM, who probably wants to be used, to build her ego and a certain amount of revenge.

Happiness should not trump a person's values. Vows sometimes suck, but until you un-vow, they are still your responsibility.

Mortarman,

While I agree completely with you, I didnt respond on Kandi's thread, because I don't know how I feel about her. I feel enourmouse sympathy for what she is going through.

But like you are saying. Sprint had felt he was "out" of the marriage for months, it was a matter of when and how. He failed to let me know though, although I felt he was out - I still held on to the good days and just thought maybe he was having rough times.

He did meet the OW two weeks before he asked for a seperation and still doesn't say he left me for her, that he had been planning on leaving for awhile. He did start planning a relationship and a future with her before he finally told me he was leaving.

His relationship only continued for 4 weeks after that, and it became PA 2 weeks after he left, as it was as soon as he could go see her, but it would have been BEFORE he asked me for a seperation if she hadn't had some doubts, as I was giving him the freedom to go see his brother who lived in the same town as OW, trusting he didn't have a friendship with OW anymore.

He posted on here that he was leaving before he became a cheat, and many people on here patted him on the back, said he was doing what any BS had the right to do and leave...

He now realizes that what he had was an affair..plain and simple. He still feels that a seperation made it okay...but I said to him, we hadn't even legalized the seperation, and so it wasn't right and in a court of law it could be pushed...he didn't believe me based on his research, but I had consulted a lawyer.

The hyprocracy of the posts to him on my thread angered me so much - that it was STILL my fault that he wanted to leave...when in truth - he could leave, but he could also do it right...he didn't even tell me he was leaving because he couldn't get over my A, he told me he was leaving because he felt guilty over his behavior and didn't want to end up being the bad guy in all of this!!!

Anyways I realize I jsut vented more than anything lol - so this may not have been a useful post - but MM - I agree with what you are saying.

Good point, Loy. Why do we take vows? For the "health, riches, good times?" Who needs to have vows for that? We will want to be there for that!!!!

Or could it be that we take the vows for "sickness, poor, and bad times?" That we will stick by our word, even when things are their worse.

A man or woman of honor will stick by their vows, even unto death. A man or woman of honor who has broken vows, will make amends and turn from their dishonorable ways.

It isnt about happiness folks. No one promised you happiness. You dont DESERVE happiness. You do deserve joy...and there is a difference.

And joy is not possible without honor.

In His arms.

Thanks Dorry, I know that you know all about this.

I thank God that I never have had to feel what a WS feels after they come out of the fog. It seems to be much worse than any of the hurt that I felt as the BS.

In His arms.

sure friend

here 'tis

Bohemian Rhapsody

take with plenty of fluids

don't drive drunk on music!

It is recomended for those people that divorce when there is no infidelity involved that even AFTER the ink is dried on the divorce decree....

that these people DO NOT engage in any type of emotional relationships MINIMALLY for a year.

It is recomended via most twelve step programs...that participants DO NOT engage in any type of serious exclusive emotional relationship MINIMALLY for a year....too much to process

these standards if you can call them...would say that with the STRESS and EMOTIONAL gutting and chaos that infidelity adds to the mix of a marriage ending should apply even more strictly to cases here....

why you ask...

it takes atleast a year to really process and mourn the ending....and NOT just for the spouses...but for the children....

in a short period of time childrens lives can be rocked upside down...and all that they had once thought and known to be true...is ripped from them.

moms become replacable
dads become replacable...
and to children who see themselves with very little power in the world...are now faced with the fear that they also are replacable...
heck if mom can replace dad
and dad can replace mom....

why not them...
just displease a parent...and they will FALL out LOVE with them....

the old issues and baggage that divorcing parties or seperated parties can bring in to that person that catches their fancy can be devestating as well...

emotions run high...
unfinished business
the need to mourn what has just occured...
etc etc etc...

no true friend could in good faith encourage someone to invite such chaos in to their already chaotic world and true friends stand as great anchors in a WS/BS world...

you want friends that are divorcing to be HAPPY..
then help them ....finish the task if that is the only route available....

the carnage from pre-mature dating and relationships without finishing what is at hand...can be long reaching and dangerous...
especially to the childrens world...

ARK

MM

I got asked out by one of my (MALE) patients right after D-Day.

I lied, and told Mr. Pep (who was, himself, unbelievably wounded by his adultery at the time) that I had a date with some friends from work. A half-truth/half-lie if there ever was one.

Know why I did not go?

God stopped me! No kidding !!!!!

A BIG old storm developed. Sheeting rain, high winds ... dangerous driving conditions. I cancelled.

I was never so grateful for nasty weather in my life.

My foolishness was only overcome by some GodSmack weather.

Thanks Father!

No kidding Ark ---> carnage is the perfect word for it.

That is a really awesome story. I think God was trying to stop Sprint from going too - as he went on the weekend to a city that alot of it got evacuated for flooding...yet there he went yet. determination lol

God works in mysterious ways Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am thankful for his hand on my behind many times!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

In His arms.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

(There will always be someone out there that encourages things I do not believe in. I can't change that or them.)

Courage to change the things I can

(I will continue to stand up for what I believe.)

And the widsom to know the difference...

(I pray for guidance and offer my opinions. Anyone is free to take what they want and leave the rest.)

Susan

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Susan,

Excellent!!

In His arms.

Good thread, MM. Thanks for starting it. By the way, I agree with you.