Normally I would be very defensive toward you, for what you are saying, but you know what? You are absolutely right. When put like that, in black and white, I don't deserve someone like him. There are tons of women that would kill to be in my place; married to him. He brings everything home, everything he earns is for the home and kids. All his attention is for his family. He doesn't drink, hardly ever goes out with friends. His idea of fun is being with the kids and me outdoors, or just staying in watching a horrible action movie with our son.

You know, my brain is not functioning properly. But I need this, I need to know that I am not the only person on this earth going through this and that I am in time to save my marriage.

I started changing months ago. I read the posts of the betrayed spouses and see me in the way they describe the cheaters. The weight loss, the lack of interest in the home, not wanting to do anything with my spouse, always being out of the house (with my youngest) even if it was just to the mall, but to not face him. One night he asked me what was wrong and I couldn't hold back that I felt different toward him. Then everything just poured out, the resentment I felt, not knowing if I still loved him, not knowing if I wanted to stay together forever....I will never forget his reaction. He cried, he ran to the bathroom to vomit, he was physically sick and I felt soooo bad, I couldn't believe that I could do this. The very next day I told him that I wanted to try to work out the confusion I felt.

Then this guy comes along....after I said to my husband that I wanted to stay married to him...do you see how I do everything backwards???

Please say to me exactly what you think of me as a betrayed spouse. I need the words of the people I would hurt. It sounds morbid but I need a good [censored]-kicking and this is the only way its going to happen.

Instead of a good ole country [censored] whoopin' please take a moment and revisit the post I gave to you on the first page. After reading it, read through the advise other's offered below and make a plan to move forward rather the stay stuck....

Tell your husband about the kissing ... you will need to be brave. but you already knew that

My god woman wake up. Talk to your husband about this. Where is your pride in yourself.? Stay away from this other guy. Far away. You are asking for so much trouble.

YOU MUST STOP ALL CONTACT! And tell your H about it. Like you said, there seems to be much more to this rather than just running into this guy every once and a while.

Grab this thing by the horns now. Figure it out and be honest with your H.

O.K. I am just curious, folks.

Why should Mariposita tell her husband about the kissing?

I understand how important honesty is, etc.

But, in this situation, suppose she stops all contact with OM, and gets her situation together with her husband.

Does he really need to know? Wouldn't it just hurt him for no reason?

Again, just a question. I am looking forward to responses.

Thank you.

Killerjoe,

That is exactly what I think. What possible good could come out of me telling him about the kissing? It would destroy him, and I KNOW from the bottom of my heart that I want him as my husband and I am not, for a second, considering anything further with this guy. Let's just say that I wanted to see if someone other than my husband would be interested in me and now that I know, as horrible and shallow as this sounds, I am satisfied. I just wanted to understand how I could be so reckless in even considering something like this. I know I am not making much sense, sorry.

The things I think about the OW are beyond words. The way I felt when I found out are beyond words. One thing I have learned from this message board is each person's story here is different from the other. No two stories are the same YET the hurt caused by an affair is devastating! Just because people can forgive their spouse and try to work things out does not end that hurt.

Read surviving and affair (all of it) on this site. Keep reading the posts here, they scream out of what it is like to be a BS and what it is like to be a WS. I have learned tons from reading these posts.

Your husband vomited when you approached him about your feelings. That has to say something about how much he loves you. Even w/o reading anything here it is common knowledge of what an affair can do to a relationship and the pain it can cause to so many people.

Look at your children. Look them in the face and wonder how you would explain to THEM that mommy had a moment of weakness and that is why daddy left. Set an example to your children that when you have difficulties in your marriage you work them out, not run into the arms of another. Show them what being a honest wife and mother is. Then look in your husbands face and imagine that he just found out you had an affair. Imagine the hurt HE would feel...not what others would say to you or think of you. Imagine the hurt it would cause this mans wife.

This is all about you right now. One more step and it will be about your family and his. Is a few moments of flattery/feeling good/feeling attractive worth risking it all?

Thank you Maggie. You are so right, and you know what? I do look at my children. Their beautiful faces where I see my husband's eyes combined with my features and it breaks my heart. I look at my husband and his eagerness to make me happy and the joy he takes in fixing up our house and I feel happiness mixed with so much sadness and guilt. Right now I feel like crying.

There is no reason for me to restate what Dr. Harley has said so clearly, so take a minute to read Policy of Radical Honesty by clicking on the link. Read through that including the 4 levels. Then tell us if you think you should be honest or dishonest....

kj1,

Why should Mariposita tell her husband about the kissing?
[color:"blue"]because she kissed another man and that is behavior not appropriate in a marriage. What if, you saw your mother kissing someone other than your father? What would you think? [/color]

I understand how important honesty is, etc.
[color:"blue"]If you did then you wouldn't be condoning her actions and siding on the side of dishonesty. [/color]


But, in this situation, suppose she stops all contact with OM, and gets her situation together with her husband.
[color:"blue"] How will her husband know what to work on? If he doesn't know the real situation entails. [/color]


Does he really need to know? Wouldn't it just hurt him for no reason?

[color:"blue"] No reason??!?!?!?! His wife kidded another man...several times. This isn't an isolated incident...it is a pattern. [/color]

Again, just a question. I am looking forward to responses.

[color:"blue"] just a question....are you hiding something so as not to "hurt" someone? [/color]

Thank you.

[color:"blue"] God Bless,

Doug [/color]

mari

That is exactly what I think. What possible good could come out of me telling him about the kissing? It would destroy him, and I KNOW from the bottom of my heart that I want him as my husband

[color:"blue"] Easy position to take. You won't have to risk others finding out and thinking less of you. You won't have to answer all the "Whys" from you H. A textbook justification on not telling.[/color]
and I am not, for a second, considering anything further with this guy. Let's just say that I wanted to see if someone other than my husband would be interested in me and now that I know, as horrible and shallow as this sounds, I am satisfied. I just wanted to understand how I could be so reckless in even considering something like this. I know I am not making much sense, sorry.

[color:"blue"] You not only considered, it you went about it puposefully. Tell you H, give him some credit. It will be much better coming from you than from the person who saw it happen. [/color]

God Bless

Doug

[quote]kj1,

I understand how important honesty is, etc.
[color:"blue"]If you did then you wouldn't be condoning her actions and siding on the side of dishonesty. [/color]


I am not condoning anyone's actions. I am not on either side here. I see positives and negatives in telling him and in not telling him.

I just wanted to get the discussion rolling because I thought it might help Mariposita.



But, in this situation, suppose she stops all contact with OM, and gets her situation together with her husband.
[color:"blue"] How will her husband know what to work on? If he doesn't know the real situation entails. [/color]

I don't think this is her husbands issue.....this is her issue to work on.

Does he really need to know? Wouldn't it just hurt him for no reason?

My wife once told me that if I ever "slipped" and in a moment of weakness was with another woman, she did not want to know about it. I don't really agree with that, but those were her words not mine.



[color:"blue"] just a question....are you hiding something so as not to "hurt" someone? [/color]


Not concerning infidelity, no.

People who are happy, in a healthy marriage, who are having their emotional needs met within the confines of that marriage do not stray. If you believe that, which BTW is the basic principle of this whole site, then you'd see that this is his issue as well, more importantly it's a marriage issue that THEY need to work on.

Mariposita ... might you be depressed?

I go through periods in my life when I feel depressed, it comes and goes and usually putting all my energy into decorating my house or being with my kids makes me forget certain things in my life that I am not happy with. I think "well, this is my life, get used to it, some people have it really bad and I am being selfish and ungrateful".

I always thought that I could get through anything and couldn't understand when people needed medication to get through depression (my mom always suffers from it). I don't even like taking aspirin for a headache. Sometimes my husband would really piss me off, and his stupid comments when last year I gained weight and all of the sudden I wasn't the person he had married (many, many years ago!! and two kids later!!!). He thought his comments would make me snap out of it and make me loose weight, fix myself up and become the person he married. I just didn't feel like it.

At the end of last year we sold our house and moved into another house. I was so happy and enthused about making the house beautiful and he just didn't want to hear it. He would tell me to be quiet and not talk about the house cause he didn't care. He was anxious about the higher mortgage and couldn't think of anything besides the money.

So I stopped caring. I stopped watching all my favorite decorating shows and didn't even feel like cleaning the house anymore. That's around the time that something snapped in my head and I thought I cannot spend the rest of my life with this guy, he is making me very miserable. This is where the cliche sets in. I started loosing weight, fixing myself up and this guy (who I have seen in the past and never gave him a second thought)started looking attractive to me. He would always stare at me when he saw me and I could just tell he was attracted to me. So the flirting started and well, if you read my first post it goes from there.

I have said my husband is a considerate, caring man and I mean it. I truly believe that he thought by teasing me about my weight he would make me see that I wasn't looking my best. I mean, there is more to it than just the weight issue, but it's just too long and complicated and as it is I know I have bored many people out there with this!

Anyways, just thanks for listening and now that I have written this down I can be my own therapist and realize that insecurities have made me go down the wrong path but I am in time to pull back and not destroy my marriage.

[color:"blue"]What are your plans for today? [/color]

Pepperband,

I have to be honest, yesterday when I wrote here I was pissed off at the responses I was getting. I guess I wanted to hear that I was a good person and that I haven't done anything really wrong so just keep on the right path from now on and everything will be just fine. I was thinking about this last night and I am glad I wrote here. I am glad I got some attitude from poster here (especially you!) because it made me really aware of the situation.

I guess it's almost like being an alcoholic and I'm taking it one day at a time. My eyes are wide open and realize that having an affair with this guy would absolutely ruin my life, my husband's, kids, family, parents, sisters, brothers....etc, etc. And that's not even considering his family, kid, etc, etc. God, it goes on forever....and for what??? What could I possibly get from this?? NOTHING!!

I keep rambling on....sorry.

Don't worry about anyone here.

Just take this day by day ... like you said "Like an alcoholic"

Remember ... any "sip" from the drink of OM ruins your sobriety.

you cannot control yourself around him.

Do not trust yourself to quit without some help.

Where are you going for some help?

A counselor?

Your church?

Not a girlfriend ... they are likely to pad anything so as not to hurt your feelings ... and you need to be shaken a little with reality.

keep up the good work!

Stay OM-SOBER

I am a super private person and I don't talk to anyone about this stuff, not even my sister who I could trust with absolutely everything. This I feel I need to work out on my own, and of course with the help of everyone here.

A couple of weeks ago I was watching TV and I came across this religious program from North Carolina, I think. It was a young Pastor, I don't remember his name. I am Catholic, but a horrible, horrible Catholic. Non-practising (as you can well see!). It was like he was talking to me, he was talking about the choices we make, bad and good, and why we make them. About God and the devil and everything made such sense. I think about going to the bookstore and getting books on this. I am not crazy about self-help books.

You are likely to fail working this out by yourself. Even with the help of this board.

Are you putting your preference for privacy~above~ your desire to come clean in your marriage?

In other words ... your comfort level is more important to you than is the health of your marriage ...

Is this a true reflection of your values and priorities?

Mari~~~

I just thought of something...

Maybe ....

God is calling you back home to your church?

If you ignore this call ... He may call LOUDER ... in ways that get your attention ....

When God calls us ~home~ it is usually through our pain that we hear Him.

Think about that.