My wife has been having an affair for the past few weeks. It's been short but obviously intense because of the feelings she has for him and the time they spent together. She admitted that she was seeing someone else about a week ago and today informed me that she broke it off. I didn't force her to break it off but had been pressuring her to give us a chance and ending it was the only way we could have a chance. She also admitted that she broke it off once before and ended up back with him the same day. She is definitely depressed right now and hurting. She is definitely unsure if she is doing the right thing. I've read the columns and articles here and understand what's being said but I really need some quick advice that I'm not sure was covered. I think the next few days are critical to our getting past this. Any advice? Help!

You can't guarentee this will work, you can only do your best and hope.

Don't get angry. Don't react to things she says or does and return anger if she gets angry. Be calm, be the lighthouse in the storm.

Try to sense her moods. Be close if she needs support. Be there but quiet if she wants to be alone. It's hard to know sometimes, but watch her, listen, and see if you can get a feel for it.

Don't say things like "I love you" for a while. Do say things like "I care how you feel, I want to help you."
"I am glad you are here with me."
"It is good to see your pretty face this morning."

Find things to thank her for, but don't be insincere. Little things, things that are important to you.

Encourage her but don't tell her "things will be OK." It often sets them off.

"Tomorrow is a new day, get some rest, lets see how it goes."

One statement says you know the future, the other is calming, and positive, but doesn't intrude on her feelings.

I hope this works for you.

SS

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair". By Dr. Willard Harley. This book will give you great insight into the dynamics of an affair, why marriages become vulnerable, and how to work towards recovery. It is a must read. Most of the advice on this forum spawns from this philosophy. This book is a must read for you NOW. Otherwise, you may say and do things that are totally counterproductive in your efforts.

Continue posting here for support, or to vent, if need be, but, please, do yourself a favor and get the book and READ it before you do much else!!!

Best wishes,
SD

I would make sure that the both of you get tested for STD's before you engage in any intimate activity.

Hello and welcome. I am very glad for you that you found this site so early in the process, although its sad that you had to be here. It is no doubt an extremely stressful time for you right now, so please look after yourself. If you need to, you might think of going to the doctor if you feel very depressed. Many on here have.

I agree with the other poster that the most important thing right now is to get educated as soon as you can. That means, read everything on this site, read Surviving an Affair, read WATs guidelines for Betrayed Spouses. Also to prepare yourself for what is to come.

It is likely that your W will suffer some withdrawal from the OM, and there is a useful thread on withdrawal by Suzet that you can search for. She has been addicted to her feelings for the OM, so its probably useful to think of her as an addict right now. THat means that you may not be able to trust her right now, because she may do and say things that would be normally totally out of character for her. So, if she says she has ended it with OM, be prepared that the temptation for her to get in contact again may be very strong.

Have you written a no contact letter to OM? If not, the details are in SAA.

GOOD LUck!! and keep posting.

Here is the withdrawal link.

Thanks for the advice...keep it coming. I think I have been doing mostly right things but in times like these we all slip up. I've been in contact with some of her friends through all of this and they have been a great source of help and support. I believe that she ended it but I don't believe that contact has stopped entirely. I know the OM isn't going to let it go and she may even be keeping it going. The challenge is that I'm sure he's making promises of a wonderful future with him and a horrible future with me. I need to start putting some big bucks in the love bank as soon as possible. I'm not sure I'll get the time and undivided attention I deserve. We just planned a trip to get away for a week just us and the kids. I hope I can keep it together enough to drop some serious coin in the love bank, separate her from him and open up her eyes to what the future is. I'm hanging tough...this is the fight of my life.

She cannot go through withdrawal so long as there is any contact. You need to contact the OM's W and let her know. If he is single, then try to find out who his parents are, and expose to them. Somehow there needs to be pressure from both sides to end all contact. This is critical to recovery.

If you haven't read Surviving an Affair, you are flying by the seat of your pants, which is usually not to successful. If you read the book, most of the advice you receive here will make sense, as most of the vets here have managed to begin to heal their marriage by using Dr. Harley's philosophy.

How are you doing???

SD

Everyone's posts have been helpful. I'm handling everything pretty good I believe...no blow-ups, haven't had any severe depression or bad thoughts. I've been doing everything I can to keep my chin-up and not pull any "love busters" at this point. I still doubt that my wife has ended all contact with the OM and I can't figure out if we are on a road to recovery or not. She broke it off with him a week ago Wednesday and we planned a week long vacation within a few days of that. I wanted to get her away to guarantee at least physical separation and to have time with myself and the kids. I do plan on getting the "Surviving an Affair" book immediately on our return. Sometimes everything between her and I seems so normal but it's not. She's never been much of a serious talker and we really haven't talked a lot yet. I know this is supposed to be a period of withdrawal for her so I have tried to be respectful of not digging into it too much. Right now, it just seems like me trying to make every effort to show her that it can be good with me and very little effort on her part. That's truly frustrating for me. She has hurt me to the very core, I can't even explain the pain sometimes but I feel as if I'm forced to make up for it now. It's just a weird place but I'm definitely thankful for this group in being there to support me. Our marriage was never bad but it fell victim to a liesure time thief that is now my worst enemy. I know if given a chance it can be good again but I need to do the right things to get that chance.

Keep reading about the concepts on this site, and get the book ASAP. It can make the difference between survival and failure. It sounds as though things are progressing "normally" for where she's "at" right now. Beware further contact, as the addiction of affairs are POWERFUL. Strong as any drug. The book will give you more insight into understanding how all this came about, and how to work through it.

The General Questions Forum is busier than the Just Found Out Forum, and you should feel free to post on either with questions, or to vent, or for any kind of help.

You sound pretty "in control", but I know your mind can become a tornado of various thoughts as a result of these insidious affairs. Hang in there "brother"......

Best wishes,
SD

I suppose I should have put ended in quotation marks. She did end it but was back talking to him and seeing him within a day or two. I know through different sources that she supposedly broke it off again a few days ago but she won't admit that to me. She still maintains to me that she hasn't communicated with him since she broke it off a couple of weeks ago. I know that she doesn't want to admit to it because she believes I would flip out. I'm flipping out more because I know she's not being honest about the past so I have no clue if she's being honest now or will be in the future. I feel a little better about it this time because she hasn't gone out since the day she last broke it off. However, she did have to take one of my kids friends home last night and was gone longer than I thought seemed reasonable. The problem I'm having right now is avoiding the love busters. The biggest buster that I'm struggling with is trust. She expects to be trusted and doesn't understand why I'm having such a hard time with it. The roller coaster ride is getting old and I was ready to get off just a few days ago. Now, she seems like she wants to try but I'm battling with how I feel about it all and how to go about it. The book "Surviving an Affair" just arrived so I'm hopeful that will get me motivated and us moving in the right direction. I would be more excited if I found out she actually dug into the book and started reading (UNLIKELY).

Slash,

You will never trust someone you allow to lie to you. As you know the truth she needs to know that you know the truth. It is evident why don't trust her and that is because she is not being trustworthy. Stop dancing around this, and tell her you know she has continued contact, and that she needs to stop contact now.

THEN and only then can the issue of how she will earn your trust back be discussed. Stop the A first, then worry about trust.

God Bless,

JL

Sound advice, JL. As far as I know she has not been in contact with him since the last time she ended it. I know that she has ended it twice before and both times she has been back in contact with him within 24 hours. I don't have proof that she has returned to him this time. Of course I'm skeptical. There are a couple of differences this time. First, she has never told me who it is but I recently informed her that I do know who it is so that she knows that she is no longer fooling me. Second, she has not been going out so she does not have the time to see or talk to him like she used to. Also, I have informed her that this is it. If she does end up back in contact with him then I'm done. I will know pretty quickly if she's being honest because while she's been dishonest so have I (I know...bad me). I have gained access to her cell phone account and will know if she's calling him. I know that's kind of ugly but a guy needs to know these things and yes I'm prepared to find out the truth.

Slash,

Gathering information is NOT dishonesty. It is a way to protect yourself. Further, contact means phone, email, smoke signals, mirror flashing, personal, whatever. She will need to end contact. When she does she will go through withdrawal and that will be almost worse than when she was in the affair. But, that does end if you have the patience, and then recovery can begin.

Make sure she knows that you suspect further contact, and are keeping your eyes open. No threats, just a hint that things have changed and you are are very sensitive to her issues.

God Bless,

JL

JL just gave you some very sound advice.

Don't expect her to read SAA. Don't expect her to meet any of your needs right now. She's incapable of it until she passes through withdrawal. YOU read the book, and employ what you learn. Don't try to "teach" her either, as she' not interested in learning. While she "longs" for a fix of her addiction, she'll be distant, perhaps angry or mean, and not in a mood to make small talk about your future together.

Wait this out, check the phone records, read Surviving an Affair, and understand this process. It makess it easier to do what's necessary, when you understand why you are doing it.

JL's right, no ultimatums that you won't, or aren't willing to go through with. It weakens your position in all this. Make sure sure she understands how disrespectful any contact would be to you.

stick around... you'll get through this..

SD

Thanks, all valuable advice but I'm not sure if I finished typing my response before she was back in contact with him. This is one BIG roller coaster and I've never been a big fan of coasters. She ran out last night to run a few quick errands and OMG...her van was spotted in his driveway. I lost it and had to confront her. She was supposed to have ended it and to be telling nothing but the truth now. Her explanation was that she was there talking to him about our situation. She was telling him that she needed to give us a chance because of all the years we have together and our kids. It's 14 years together, 10 years of marriage and 2 kids versus 2 months in bars. I'm not sure I believe it because even I can do that math. I know she's not innocent in all of this but he's not going away either. I'm sure that he's still calling and working her. The force seems to be strong between these two. Today, she suggested a trial separation. That just doesn't work for me. You don't experiment with your kids emotions like that. The trial separation needs to be between her and him. I told her that I wanted her in our house and working on us and step 1 is getting rid of the other man. Nothing is going to occur until he's eliminated. For now, I guess I will start reading the book. I think I'm going to have plenty of time over the next few days.

The most effective way to stop the affair is to fully EXPOSE the A, first of all to the OM's wife, secondly to your parents and your wife's parents, and include her brothers and sisters, as well. If you are regular church going people, expose to your pastor, as well. If this is a workplace affair, expose to his and her immediate supervisors.

Do all this in one fell swoop, without any advance warning or threats to anyone. If you warn her you are going to do it, she'll tell everyone her husband is nuts, and is making up lies about her, which will take away a huge amount of effectiveness of the exposure. Also consider exposing to her closest friends, in hopes they will help her see that it is the right thing to do.

Read all about Exposure in SAA, and you'll understand more about how it should be done, as an act of love, not of vengence. Explain that you are going to do your best to save your marriage and that you love your wife and you are exposing the affair so you can have the chance to reconcile. Please read the book before you take action, and post here for advice and guidance.

She'll be mad as ****** when you do this! You need to know how she's going to react, so you know how to deal with her "insanity" when she finds you have exposed the Affair.

Think this over, and read SAA, and prepare yourself for this next, critical step in ending the affair.

Remember, no threats about it, no negotiating about it, keep this plan absolutely to yourself until it is time to expose.

In the mean time, stay in Plan A, stopping all Love Busters, making all the deposits you can in her Love Bank, and remaining calm and steady.

Best wishes,
SD

It seems that all she wants to do is make more deposits in their Love Bank. I think they have a joint account or something. She made 2 macaroni and cheese dishes tonight and took one and a movie we had just watched with her. It must be dinner and a movie for them tonight. WONDERFUL. I'm not sure how to get through the nights that she is obviously with him. She says she's confused but she doesn't appear to be that way to me. How long do you stay with Plan A? How do you deal with the pain when you know they are together? Seems almost like it would be easier to just let her go than continue this. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get through to her. I've been reading the book but haven't hit the exposure section yet.

When you've read about the exposure process, let us know... we'll guide you through the process. I know it's counterintuitive to do the exposure, but it IS your most powerful weapon in stopping the affair.

You need to be clear to your WW that it hurts you deeply when she makes contact with the OM...for two big reasons.... It makes her promise of breaking off the affair a huge lie, and, it is horribly disrespectful of your feelings when she sees him.

Don't be rude or condescending, just deliver those thoughts as facts, without emotion. No LoveBusters!

Stay with the book, and let us know when you are ready to drop the NUKE.... exposure!

Best wishes,
SD

Once I enjoyed the weekends but now I dread them. This weekend was no different. It started about Thursday and ran straight into Sunday. I know that most of the time she spends away is with him at bars. I think one of the attractions is that she is able to abandon her responsiblities and the challenges of family life. On Sunday we took a day trip with the kids and she said she thinks she wants to work on it. She definitely is not giving me much to go on or maybe it's just the guilt talking. Of course I want to believe her. She agreed to try counseling but seems to be putting more effort into making excuses about when is good. Also, she has expressed interest in individual counseling as an alternative. I think it's important that we go to counseling together but I suppose any counseling is good. Anyone have any thoughts on this? I do believe that this week is a critical week for us because she has the least chance of seeing him. She has a lot of other plans that are going to keep her fairly busy. I think if we could just get through a couple of weekends together the affair will weaken. One of the most troubling things for me is that she is reluctant to talk to me about it at all and I'm doing my best to be respectful of her wishes. I do believe this may be her way of working on it and trying to not think about him. Hopeful, yes...but in days like these I just try and find the slimmest rays of hope to cling to.