If you look back to my origional post..it was not just porn. And let me tell you I have put aside my issues for 7 years...my bad all the way...except i told him on a regular basis that he was hurting us and he made promises to change and never did..i put everything I had into our marriage...at the expense of myself and my kids. Again My bad. One thing I will never do again is put aside how I feel. Everyone here can beat me up over this issue if they want...call me selfish...i can take it...Heck I beat myself up every day for allowing things to come this far...but since nobody but me and my family know the full history of the relationship so be it.
Your points are very valid and i don't dipute them. But I still stand firm in the bounderies that I have just as he has to stand firm in his. I will not put them aside any longer. I will support him and do whatever I can to help us overcome the A. But I have to help myself too. It's way over due.
Am I angry and bitter and hurt. You bet your tater I am. I need to work on these issues myself. I also know that I prob. need to head over to the EN board for that.

He is not responcible for my having an A. I MADE the choice. A choice I made because something within myself was wrong. These things I will look to myself for the answers.

AS for the pain that the relationship...his actions...my actions...have caused...well..we can NEVER judge another person's pain against our own. I don't discredit how much pain this is causing him. If I could take it away I would.

Just a question..at what point in the recovery do I get a chance to start healing from our past?

Michdadwife what you want to do is talk about the pre affair relationship problems firstand or solve those and than talk about the affair. Pretty much is this, you want to put the talk of your affair on the backbunner and start talking about issues pre affair. The problem with this is that in order to get to the pre affair problems you have to get through the affair first and with you putting the affair topic on the back burner your not going to make progress.

You get to heal as this goes on, he has changes to make too, but because you threw an affair into the mix - its no longer just about you. An affair changes everything.

And you are right, you shouldn't have to put aside how you feel - communication is everything.

You both have alot of healing to do, and his will be on the A, so I know you are saying you aren't brushing it aside - but all you guys are doing is looking at the problems in the marriage and fixing them. Now this is a MUST - yes it is, and things DO need to change for both your sakes, but the A needs to be talked about as much as he needs it to be. I know your councellor may be saying this too.

You are asking him to stop and put aside the thing that has hurt him the most to focus on the things that have hurt you the most - the marriage had major flaws yes, but for most BS's they can't even work on changing those in themselves until the can process the hurt of what their spouse just did.

Your H realizes the harm he did to you, and probably feels like a piece of crap because he failed you - he failed you so badly that you went outside the marriage. His self esteem is cracked, his trust is cracked (and I know you feel alot of the same things due to the pre-A conditions of the marriage). now you are asking him to don't worry about his pain and focus on what he did wrong.

The marriage MUST be looked at yes, but you have to now give him time to handle and process the pain - WHY? How did you go and handle your 7 years of pain...(which was the whole 7 years that BAD? Why did you stay...during my A and just after, I figured my 6 years were a waste and there was nothing good, as I came outta the fog I realzied there was more good than I gave credit...could it be that way in your case?) as I was saying, how did you go and handle your 7 years of pain - you went and had an affair to feel better. Now you are asking him to put his handling of his pain over the affair on hold so you can go back to you again.

I TRULY hope you guys are in Marriage councelling and I hope you are seeing a good one, as I see MD has alot of problems to fix and change, but I still hear alot of ENTITLEMENT and alot of SELFISHNESS in your posts MDW.

I know you are hurting from your marriage and let me tell you, I can relate - I truly can...but you threw an affair into the mix...and now he isn't the only one who has some making up to do, but yet it still sounds like it's all about what he has to do for you.

I could be way off base, but that is just my 2cents

I realized MDW that I am coming accross a little harsh - I bumped your original thread though as many of the people on there said exactly what I am saying, but in a different kinder way regarding addressing the affair.

Maybe re-read it?

I can tell you are a good person who wants her marriage to work. But there is alot of work on your end. i don't doubt that you know that. But the order you are going in right now may hinder any growth in the relationship.

Just so Dorry and everyone understands.....

I'm not that innocent as most that have eyes can see. I had many issues thru our 7 year marriage. I was insecure about her fidelity w/ out reason ...and her desire for me.

I was controlling. I was disrespectful when I didn’t get my way. We fought; we argued and never resolved issues. I put her down for not doing things the way i expected. Darn , I even got mad when she wasn’t happy- and I didn’t even realize that it was me that had caused it. I lost my temper and all sorts of things that make me not only look bad, but were bad.

After or during 7 years she disconnected and then i had an epiphany that i wanted my wife and family. Sound familiar anyone?

So please…understand that she cannot offer me what I need because of all the hurt.

So now I’m doing what i am able.

The problem is she doesn’t love me like that because she says it got burned out of her and she doesn’t know if she has it in her to want to even try again. A Sad tale for sure. She doesn’t think right now that love is a choice. It has to be there or not. And it’s not. Love of me as father and out of 7years of history …but not romantic love or lasting special tingly love…get it? How do you explain – love you not in love with you? that is used all the time. That is were she is at.

So that’s why all is happening. How can she go on and not have feelings left that she is willing to try? That’s her issue and it is a struggle for her.

Regardless of what I say or do or want-- I am now in a class that is so prevalent around here:

One spouse doesn’t place enough value (or love -call it what you need)on the other thru the marriage and then the spouse who felt neglected and abused moves on leaving the offending party in the dust and shaking their heads and then trying everthing they can think of save it.

I wish my tale was unique. But, sadly, it's typical of the condition we call human.

Mich - I gathered all that actually - cause oddly enough it sounds like my marriage was...but not for 7 years, only for the 1-2 years leading up to my A. H was disrespectful in front of people to me, he never did anything I wanted to do - he excluded me, he was angry with me all the time. he was goingt hrough alot and took it all out on me.

I think its GREAT you have accepted your responsibility. And those are things you need to change.

But I think both you and MDW are missing my point. I don't care who did what and what the marriage was about pre- I don't hear alot of ownership from MDW. I hear alot of - well if you hadn't done this, I wouldn't be here - that is still BLAME.

What you did MD - is contribute to a factor that helped MDW make her decision. But to blame your actions for being the cause of her affair will hinder any chance at recovery you guys have.

MDW's story isn't much different then ANY one of us FWW's. Maybe of course in details and length...but you are alot like all of the husbands that we betrayed. And you have good points too - you aren't all bad...I read that she remembers the good points but barely got through them. If that is the truth and not fog talk - you guys do have your work cut out for you.

All I was trying to say is it sounds like you MDW are trying to say your situation is so unique that you really need to work on the marriage pre-A instead of the A, and I bumped your post so you could read what everyone was saying to you - that your situation isn't all that unique...and that doing it in that order - you wont save your marriage - you will feel better, as you will see his changes, but you wont make any changes yourself, and your marriage wont make it.

If though you truly ARE adressing your A...albeit not with H, then fine - approach the issues, but I get the idea MD isn't quite ready for that yet. He needs to heal.