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I have been around here for awhile (mostly lurking) and learned a lot- enough to help save my marriage. My W and I were married 18 years when she had an affair in late 2003 with a former friend of hers from high school. In high school they messed around, but did not have int*****rse. I had no idea that they messed around in high school. This time they did have int*****rse and the affair lasted about 4 months before I stepped in.
My W still lied about the PA for a year, including in MC, but was forced to come clean seven months ago.
She has not been good at articulating a reason for the affair other than it was "unfinished business" from high school. Has anyone had this experience, either as a WS or BS. I have had a hard time accepting this explanation and my reluctance to accept this has been impeding our recovery.
Any thoughts?
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Maduro,
Unfinished business is not a reason for BETRAYING YOU!!!
If she was single and met him after X# of years and was curious, then "unfinished business" would apply.
This is a cheap cop out which doesn't help you. Maybe there are some things in the marriage that she doesn't wish to discuss with you thinking they will hurt you.
Communication is the key.
k
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I would say that is a cop out too! Work on your marriage, but find out the "real" reason she betrayed you. When you find out the truth then you can she can start rebuilding.
Zorro94
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Without a understanding of what caused the affair, how can there really be a true recovery? There is no excuse for an affair but she should at least explain what was not right about your relationship that allowed her to jeopardise(spelling?) the marriage. To do this just fo unfinished business doesn't bode well for your long term marriage! Just a thought.
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KT, Lost and ILF:
Thanks for your responses. As you might suspect her explanation has felt like less than needed to move forward. Getting to the hard reasons is like pulling teeth though. Your responses will help me keep up my resolve.
This relationship in high school was kept secret from everyone and never mentioned to me before or after marriage. Not even her family knew, yet we were all friends. With this secret, there was a time bomb out there waiting to go off.
Thanks again for your frank and correct advice.
Maduro
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This is exactly what happened with me. (I'm the FWW). Unfinished business was the reason. As Just Learning pointed out to me when I was on the road to recovery, unfinished business finishes when you marry your spouse.
My H and I are fully recovered.
Jen
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BTW, I had been married 28 years when the A happened.
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KiwiJ
I'm curious. What is unfinished business. Can you help?
Maduro
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Sorry, another post. The old boyfriend and I had gone out for 5 years in HS and never had sex. I broke up with him soon after school for various reasons. The assumption had always been (from both of us and our parents)we would marry after school.
I am convinced to this day that the A would never have happened if we had slept together when we were teenagers.
Jen
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KiwiJ
In my W's case, after graduation from HS, he left for college and forgot to tell her. Good guy, heh. Anyway, when he came back on the scene 18 years into our marriage, he mentioned the good old times and it happened "so fast". She has said I did nothing to deserve this.
Thank you for chiming in.
Maduro
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I imagine the "unfinished business" is the fact that their dating was never consumated back then...so for all this time, she maybe fantasized about the business that was never fully finished....until the A finished it...and much more!!
k
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That's true Krusht, the A does finish it. But it should never start up again in the first place. I have a great deal of "if onlys" and one of my biggest "if only" is that "if only I'd found MB before setting off on the path I followed" all the misery and hurt (to my H and to me) of the past 3 years could have been avoided.
It's very heady remembering the "good old days" before any sort of adult responsibility and it's a sure fire recipe for A's.
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KiwiJ,
""But it should never start up again in the first place.""
I totally agree...as you said "the unfinished business is finished when you marry."
I was explaining to Maduro what the "unfinished business" meant.
k
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Yikes! I'd have to wonder how many others she forgot to sleep with and will be future 'unfinished' business. Does she claim that's a valid excuse?
I hope she comes up with better than that. That would leave me very unsettled.
Hang in there...- Dru
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