i have posted several times regarding my
marriage.

after my husband and i were living under the
same roof over 5 years ago, he became verbally
and emotionally abusive. long story short, i
became resentful and things got worse, where
we fought all the time.

then things became physical. after several
times that happened, i finally called the
police just over a year ago. he was arrested
for a few hours. we separated for a week.

then we went to counseling. he was defensive
so after a few months we stopped going.

then i found out he gambled away $14000 of
our money. after that, he promised he'd stop.

then i found out a few months later that he
started again, and when i confronted him
about it, he denied it a few times to my
face, making ME look like the idiot even
though i knew i had proof.

finally he admitted it when i told him
of the proof i had.

he promised again never to do it...

after the abuse and lies and gambling,
that left me empty, just as i had been
the whole 5 years.

a couple weeks ago i finally told him i
was not in love and havent been in years.

after talking for a while, he came back
to me and told me he realizes all he has
done and doesnt want to lose me.

the thing is that i cannot get myself
to be madly in love with him.

there is something about his personality,
and all the past with us that i just cant
seem to do it with even half of my heart.

a few years ago i noticed a man. he noticed
me. we've still never talked but always
have major eye contact.

i never felt an attraction like this and
know too that i dont feel that way at all
towards my husband because of all he's done
to me.

i want to leave him but am afraid because
he is the "bread winner" right now.

the physical abuse stopped just over a year
ago, but i am just living day to day. he is
very jealous and sometimes possessive.

if i go on the computer to just read things,
he asks where i'm going. i feel like i cannot
be myself and just relax. he wants me under
his thumb it seems.

any advice?

DD,

Hmmm... abusive, and now he's not. Now he's jealous and controlling which could lead back to abuse? You say you don't don't love him for reasons that many can understand.

Advice - I think you should seek IC for yourself to help you understand where you are and where you want to be. Some of the answers are obvious as to what you should do, but you don't seem ready to face that.

Dear DD,

Welcome to MB! I'm very happy that you're here and asking questions. You will find the answers and support you need, so keep posting!

At this point, the question you should be asking yourself right now is: "Do I want to stay married or not?" and NOT: "Should I start an affair with this man?"

If your H is abusive and refuse to (or cannot be) rehabilitated, then file for a divorce (D) and have a clean break. Then, you can do whatever you wish with a clear conscience. Whichever direction you go, don't use the affair (A)/the other man (OM) as an excuse or a crutch. Nothing good can come of it. Now, if you can't bring yourself to file for a divorce (D), then you must ask yourself why? Is it truly because of financial dependency or is there something else? I've searched 1.5 years for this answer, and when it finally hit me, I almost lost everything I had. Don't allow yourself to sit in fantasy land (i.e. an affair) and hope that the answer will just come to you. You WILL regret it. Search deep within yourself for this answer and then make a decision one way or the other.

Believe me, I know (to some extent) what you're going through. While I didn't need the financial support, I was deathly afraid of being single and on my own, so we both had our share of insecurities or dependecies. With the other man (OM), I was looking for "a way out." Instead, I found myself in the worst situation possible - torn between the man I married and the addiction to the fantasy of the affair. I don't even have words that could possibly describe just how painful the past 1.5 years have been. Please, I beg you, do NOT follow my footsteps. It will only bring you pain, sorrow, guilt and shame. Knowing what I know now, I would file for a D than to go through the limbo-h*ll that I went through for such a long time.

Note: As humans, we have the luxury and the burden of a choice. You don't always have to do what is right, but you do need to determine what decision you can live with. There is a difference. For me, I'm just glad what is right and what is right for me are one and the same. Side note: I've also discovered that if you truly searched your soul and heart, they usually are.

Good luck and keep posting!

hi-

i know that my husband is trying to get me
to love him again, but that just happened
as we were almost ready to get divorced.

like all the love i had lost for him for
5 years is supposed to suddenly appear,
and esp. after what he did to me for so long.

so that is why i am struggling.

i am still in my 30's but not in love
with my husband. and this same man i am married
to hurt me more than i ever thought a person
would ever think of hurting me!

i will not have an affair. i have only
looked at this other man for about 3 years.
that is not what i want to do.

i know that would bring more problems and
guilt.

if i ever did divorce my husband one day,
then i would be free to date this other
man if i chose to. i just know that i
have never had such a great attraction to
someone and it seems to be the same for
him too....so it seems. not that brings
all rainbows and clouds into one's life,
but it is a start....

i am struggling because i have a nice
home and financial support. the kids have
a dad and are almost clueless to the
"bad" things their dad did to me. i keep
things to myself so there will be peace
in our home, but there isnt in my heart.

i feel guilty if i dont try to love him,
but i know my whole heart isnt in it.

i feel like his chance for that is blown
because the whole time we were married,
he should have loved and cherished me,
not abused, lied and gambled. you know?

and for three years i have had this
atrraction to another man and havent
done anything because i know cheating
is wrong.

but deep down, i imagine being alone
with my kids and being able to "date"
this other man one day....be it years
from now or whatever....

i am mostly staying for the security
of family, etc.

my husband wonders why i cant love him.
part of it is because of what he has done
to my trust in him, and part is because
i do have feelings for someone else and
have for a long time.

if my husband had treated me the way he
should have, i know for sure i would not
be having feeling for someone else. but
he left me "alone" for years and i just
existed and feel i still am.

So, let me share with you my story ...

My H stopped having sex with me for the last 7 years b/c he was addicted to pornography. He spent 10's of thousands of dollars on his addiction to online computer games with which he played for 12-16 hours non-stop each day. He refused to ever go out with me unless it's for an occasional dinner. He lost his job and wouldn't look for another for over 2 yrs - all the while he NEVER even lifted a finger to help with chores, bills, pets, etc. (not even to take out the trash). Over the years, he gained tremendous amount of weight and became grossly obese. Even though I tried to reach out, he rejected me in every way. In fact, I recall his telling me to stop calling during lunch b/c it distracted him from his computer games. I was devastated. After years of fighting, I simply gave up. We co-existed as mere roommates.

So, when a nice, handsome guy with a good sense of humor from tennis (my favorite hobby) started paying attention to me, I began to fantasize. I (too) felt an attraction so strong that I thought I'd burst at the seams if I didn't follow through. So, there began our emotional affair. After several weeks of "platonic" conversations, lunches, happy hours, I was addicted. (Does this sound familiar yet?) Our "innocent" friendship turned into 1.5 years of physical affair that left me emotionally crippled, mentally exhausted and physically spent ... not to mention that it destroyed my H.

So, back to the question "marriage or no marriage?" Unfortunately, so long as this OM is in the picture, you'll never be able to objectively answer this question. Because what you're really asking then is "Should I choose fantasy or reality?" You even said it yourself: "if i ever did divorce my husband one day, then i would be free to date this other man if i chose to." Meaning, your judgement is clouded by the fantasy of being with this exciting, attractive OM who currently has no known flaws, bad habits, annoying in-laws versus the reality of all the goods and bads that you've experienced with your H. You're not comparing apples here.

The other thing to ask yourself is if you DON't try to work thing out now that your H is finally willing, will you regret this point for the rest of your life? In order to do so objectively, the OM and the fantastic (unreal) thoughts about the OM must not exist. You must physically and emotionally remove yourself completely from him, go beyond the withdrawals of missing him, then and only then can you make your objective decision. Give it 3 months. If you can physically and emotionally remove yourself from any contact w/ the OM for 3 months, that's usually when the withdrawals/thoughts truly subside and clarity sets in. What's 3 months compared to a lifetime of potential regrets, right?

In the meantime, you must tell your H exactly what you're thinking. Let him know that the things he's done in the past have made you lose your love for him. That there is an OM lingering in the picture. Let him know that there is competition so that he is given a chance to win your love back. Depending on his response (actions), you'll have the true picture and your answer.

DD, none of this is easy, I know. I went to h*ll and back to get my answer. How will you do it? The one hope I want to share with you is that my M is better now (and we're only 2 months into recovery) than it's been in well over 7 years! My H has turned his life around. He found a great, executive job and makes great money. He learned how to do laundry, pay bills and schedule his own appointments. He stopped playing computer games and has taken up golf and tennis. He's lost 40 pounds. He's taking me to concerts, clubs, wineries (without my asking). And, we're actually enjoying SF (something I thought was lost forever betwen us)! Sure, there are still bumps 'n bruises and a few mountains to climb, but it's so much better ... and so worth it! While this may sound cold, but I didn't go back to him for him. I did it FOR ME! And, THAT made all the difference!

I wish you the best in getting your answers. Please keep posting. You'll find many of them here.

Whisper,

thank you for posting so much info for me. i really
appreciate it. it is great advice.

now that my husband is willing to be all he can
be, after almost 6 years of being with each other,
i cant seem to fully love him.

it isnt even this other person i'm thinking of.

for 5 1/2 years, my husband put me through
so much pain. i fell out of love and dont feel
i can truly 100% trust him with my heart. i gave
my all and now that we were about to divorce,
he wants me and wants me all over him.

i rather be on my own, with my 2 kids. but
i am finding it difficult to think of that,
even though i know things work out in the long
run.

i know that he tries to make me happy but
he can be possessive and defensive and negative
and judgemental and jealous and wants me next
to me all the time. i cannot breathe. i dont
sleep too good either.

i have been unhappy for just about all of the time
i have been with him.

i know the OM has flaws probably too, like we
all do, but i have only looked at him for about
3 years. we havent even spoken.

i gave my husband years and years and chances
after chances. and now that my heart and soul
have emotionally checked out, he has this new
found bright light around him and i'm just
not feeling it.

i have stayed for the kids. and for the security.

but i dont feel half for him what i should. i
am just existing.

i am just scared to say, "you know, we SHOULD
separte" and then all our lives will be
so different.

but i am worrying about everyone except myself.
that is the hard part. i walk around every day
for years with this man, so unhappy.

"i know that he tries to make me happy but
he can be possessive and defensive and negative
and judgemental and jealous and wants me next
to me all the time."

Have you told him this? One of my greatest mistakes is not telling my H what I want him to do. For example, I (like most women) like roses to be delivered in public. As you know, it's the attention, not the flowers that count. My H simply thought I just like getting roses, so he'd go to the store and get some and bring them home. Instead of playing the you-should-read-my-mind game, I now just tell him. He now sends me flowers at work. Another example is when I asked him to call me during lunch time. You see, the OM used to always call me at lunchtime. Well, when things got busy for my H, he forgot to call. I finally explained WHY I needed him to call (to fill that void of hte OM), he now always call at lunch, no fail.

Again, I strongly urge you to tell your H how exactly you feel and what you would like to see changed. Most men (and women) aren't psychics. We want to please, we just need to know what pleases the one we love.

"i know the OM has flaws probably too, like we all do, but i have only looked at him for about 3 years. we havent even spoken."

Again, the fantasy of this "attractive OM" is very, very dangerous. If you're like me, you're probably saying to yourself ... if he's this good looking and he's checking me out, he must be very interested, I'll be he'd be fun to talk to, maybe he'll be fun to go out with ... and maybe he'll be good in bed. You see, our mind can be a very dangerous thing. The reality is ... he could be D: none of the above. Or worse, some psycho-path, serial cheater who checks out married women. I know, I may be exaggerating here ... or am I??

Search for your answers and keep posting!!

whisper, thanks for posting again.

i have told him the way he is and treats me.
now he just wants all my attention.

but the fact is that i have fallen out of
love because of the things that happened for 5 1/2
years, all of our marriage.

i have no love or trust to build on. when i married
him it was cuz i was pregnant. if i wasnt pregnant
i would have left, so i guess i'm living a lie.

if he would have been good to me emotionally, etc,
i would have been in love. but the whole time he
took me for granted.

i really dont want anything from him.

but i feel i should stay in misery, but i
am not happy or acting it either. i lost myself
years ago because of how he treated me.

i can always predict what he'll say or do.

i am paying for what his parents and ex
did to him i guess. he admitted that.

he is so insecure too. but i guess i just
need to see what i should do for myself,
because i know i am not happy.

he was horrible to me and i cant fall in
love with him.

i either live like this the rest of my life
or we go our separate ways.

Sorry I've been away for a bit.

DD, you don't have to live like this. You and your H CAN change. My H and I are living proof! Some times we just need some hope. Have you read His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley? While his primary intent is to show couples how to change and live in a happy marriage, the best thing it did for me and my H was to give us hope. I strongly urge you to read it. Another book I read that was quite helpful was The Road Less Travelled. Talk about some eye-openers regarding the meaning of love and how to get it back and/or preserve it. Come on. What've you got to lose? You said it yourself "i either live like this the rest of my life or we go our separate ways." If your choice is to stay, then invest your time in reading a couple of books. Who knows, maybe you can get that "romantic love" back ... we certainly have! (And it's even better the 2nd time around ... b/c we now know what it means to not have it!)

Whisper is giving you good support. Here's a few more suggestions:

Call Jennifer C @ MB. They have plans to help couples fall back in love with each other.

Your unmet needs s/b addressed. Your Giver is pooped and needs to be renergized but shared equal time with your taker.

Being selfish will not fix things. It just creates more chaos. Your dwelling on any other person will hinder any recovery. Don't sabatoge your personal or marital recovery with a negative attitude.

Read His needs/Her needs by Dr W. Harley. Learn how to communicate.

JMHO,
L.