Today makes one year since the gavel came down on my marriage. Back then I was beside myself in despair; now I’m merely sad. On that day I was employed knowing that ‘at least my job wasn’t in jeopardy’. They fired me 5 months ago. The world was so bright for my xW that day she literally ran from the courthouse singing “I’m free, I’m free”. Today she’s engaged to the OM, but claims she is unhappy. The business she started during the Dv is struggling and she has no friends except OM.

The one year outcome from this affair driven divorce: Two sad lonely and financially strapped parents. Two physically healthy, but emotionally confused children. In short, a family in flux. One year later, I’m still not convinced that Dv is a solution for most marital difficulties. Nor am do believe that ‘getting over it’ is as easy as folks want to think. Oh yeah, one other thing: Affairs are not only doomed from the start they destroy what’s left.

xW and I can communicate now. I do so for our kids’ sake, I limit it for mine. She says she doesn’t tell OM/fiancé how bad things are b/c she doesn’t want him to worry. Why tell me then? I think of the thousands of dollars they spend shuttling bxn their cities every other weekend; the hours on the phone, etc and wonder how much happier my boys would be if that effort were directed at them.

Though I’m committed to a positive relationship with the mother of our children, I’m not in love with the person she’s become. I sometimes wonder if I will ever have the capacity or inclination to ever be in love again. What a year indeed.

But you know? Last year on this day my little son was in a hospital with meningitis. Today, he is hale and whole. That my friends, is progress, and for that I’ll be eternally grateful.

Amen.

Hi DLC!

"The world was so bright for my xW that day she literally ran from the courthouse singing “I’m free, I’m free”. Today she’s engaged to the OM, but claims she is unhappy. The business she started during the Dv is struggling and she has no friends except OM."

If I were a betting man, I'd take all your money on predicted dates when the OM will no longer be her friend...

...I'd clean up, I'm betting. It doesn't take a rocket scientist 2 see the train wreck on the horizon, and I *am* a rocket scientist!

-ol' 2long

DLC,

"She says she doesn’t tell OM/fiancé how bad things are b/c she doesn’t want him to worry."

Ah, lies and secrets between the affair partners already. The cracks are showing.

Does anyone here think OM is going to be happy and oh so understanding when he finds out xW is lying to him, of all people? What happened to their mutual trust and the innate goodness in their adultery?

The cracks are widening.

2long,

Let's start a pool. Put me down for less than another year.

BTW DLC, do not hope in her or wait around for her. She has not learned a thing. No matter what she says when it all implodes, you should move on to new adventures.

DL,

Whatever happened to the nice woman who was wanting a closer relationship with you?

True, True. Things in Affairland don't last. True too, that xW hasn't truly learned anything. I'm not waiting for her, nor am I pushing to get into anything right now. Those couple ladies I've met want to hit the altar ASAP and I'm still healing. In fact one DID get married four months after she said 'I was moving too slowly.' I'm in my 9th month of a job search and struggling to maintain a stable envirnment for my boys. That doesn't leave a lot of time for dating...

Steve Harley told me a year ago that the cracks in xW 'fog-bubble' would start showing about now. He also said that I should wait at least 2 years b4 I got into a relationship. Sounded crazy then. Looks absolutlely sage right now.

dlc:

How do you feel about that? I ask because lately I've been feeling like the thought of having another relationship anytime soon just doesn't interest me - and I always THOUGHT I'd want another one right away if this one looked like it would end. but I was mistaken.

-ol' 2long

It's been said that the 1st relationship after a breakup is by definition a rebound one and unlikely to last. The sooner a rebound reltaionship starts, the more painful the end. I'm really trying not to use someone else to wipe my emotional palatte. I deserve more. They desrve more.

As time goes on, I think I'll be more open and confident about new relationships. But one year after the Dv, I find I'm in no hurry...

Good for you DLC. You will heal nicely.

And good luck with the job search.

With prayers,

Thanks. They say that time flies, bit it crawls when you're recovering from this kind of pain. It feels like a hundred years since I was living and loving fully. But healing I am. I must have faith that these days are not forever and that they actually are preparing me for the next, better life in store...

DL,

Good to hear from you. Looking back, makes one wonder how you ever survived, eh? But you did. Despite all the setbacks you are the one with a clear mind and calm heart. Still focued on the right things. Worn for the wear a bit but still kicking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Quite proud of you sir. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Know that soon others will acknowledge your ability to survive and be proud to have you on their staff. Just know it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Got something cooking in the works for me also. Working for a WS or a guy with a bad case of MLC just rubs me the wrong way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Nothing worse than working for a WS. Seems my BS side keeps showing up and I keep plan Bing him. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Gotta go get some shut eye so I can be prepared for tomorrows battle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Take care, reflection is also part of the healing.

If you get a chance, would you mind e-mailing me? I have an OT question. Something my H is working on. mborchid2@yahoo.com

Aloha,
L.

blessings to you dleightonc

She says she doesn’t tell OM/fiancé how bad things are b/c she doesn’t want him to worry. Why tell me then?

why do you listen is my question....

and i'm just thinking this one out loud....
it's yours to answer....

are you fullfilling an EN of hers...
are you getting a fix....
are you staying in touch with her drama
are you meeting needs the OM can't/won't
are you planting plan a seeds

what is your reason...
and my examples are me just thinking out loud...as in would ARK in your situation listen to the woes of my spouse and their affair partner...

not sure I have an answer for me...let alone you....

but why do you think you leave yourself open to this exposure...
and how do you feel about this after a conversation in which she spills out things aren't so hunky dory....

what's the pros
what's the cons...

ARK

Good questions, all. To be clear, I should state that she tries to tell me her woes. I cut her off when the subject moves from the kids. She wants to be friends but she is incapable of true friendship right now. My commitment is to love her unconditionally (i.e., to respect her and honor her person regardless of circumstances). That pledge doesn’t cover self-destructive interaction. Her sister and my children tell me of her rants. I try to keep my sons (esp. the older) focused on being kids; I tell her sis it's not my problem. She has her own path to walk.

I don't get anything out of hearing that the mother of my children is so caught up in her own drama, that my 3 and 6 year olds are affected. We speak about once every 10 days regarding kids’ issues. In bxn, I leave her messages if needed. She wants to communicate more, but she's confused. Just because I don't freak out at the sight of the OM at my son's games or go around bad mouthing my sons' mom doesn't mean I'm OK with the catastrophic decisions they made. I WILL heal. I WILL forgive. I will, NEVER, though, pretend that their actions were 'good'.

I'm Plan A'ing ME, Ark. Treating myself the best I can. I bless my xW--don't get me wrong--but I had to release the fog addict she's become. It's the only way to stay sane...

dlc:

"I bless my xW--don't get me wrong--but I had to release the fog addict she's become. It's the only way to stay sane... "

And I think that her rants and her confusion right now are, in part, due 2 her noticing even just a little, that you truly are detaching in this manner.

good stuff.

-ol' 2long

Agreed. I have a friend who remarried within 6 mos of his 1st wife leaving him for OM. By then, the OM had dumped her. She is a maniac, trying at once to destroy his marriage and get him back. She's punishing him b/c she won't face herself.

If I let it, I could be living the same drama in few few months. No thanks.

I just watched a "Dr. Phil" I'd recorded from yesterday about two marriges (neighbors) being destroyed by an affair. OC are involved (H got both W and OW pregnant at the same time; kids born within weeks of each other).

What got me was how so much of what came out of the affair partners' mouths sounded like what my xW and most of our (WS's) sound like. I wish we BS's could project through to these people and show them the havoc they wreak on their families and eventually, themselves.

My son asked me last night why I and his mother are apart. He said that 'we're not a family anymore'. I assured him that it's love, not proximity, that makes a family. I let him know that I and his mother are together in our love for him and his brother and that our commitment to them will never change. I believed every word I uttered. He was encourged by my sentiments. My heart, however was heavy. So much loss, for a temporary high. So much pain for a selfish thrill. Our children folks, are the real losers in all of this.